


Four Years Later

by everythingsshiny



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, Modern AU, Slow Burn, and also lots of home-cooked meals, but probably more angst overall, dumb losers who don't understand their own feelings, former foster child levi, kind of a mixture of fluff and angst, porn begins at chapter 11, who is dealing with the psychological effects of a rough childhood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-05
Updated: 2015-06-13
Packaged: 2018-02-03 11:40:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 92,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1743395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/everythingsshiny/pseuds/everythingsshiny
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Running into your former ex is always awkward.</p>
<p>Especially when you're still madly in love with him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Beer Showers and Therapeutic Ice Cream

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first eruri fic eep I hope you like it.

_It had started off at a bar. An innocuous, friendly introduction. “You’re Hanji Zoe’s friend, right? I’ve seen you around . . .”_

_Casual conversation, the lightheadedness of alcohol taking effect as their conversation lasted late into the night. The blond began paying for both drinks . . ._          

_Then there had been secret nightly visits. The smell of him on the pillow, the warmth of him in the bed. The feel of skin against skin, lips on every inch of his body, moving as one in the dark . . ._

_And then there had been little bits of romance, too. The sight of him waking up in the morning. Watching TV curled up together, casual kisses to punctuate sentences._

_But then, without warning, there had been nothing._

Four years later

It started off at a bar.

Levi wasn’t the biggest fan of bars. They were crowded and dark and Levi didn’t trust them to be clean enough. But The Scout, the bar closest to his apartment, was where Hanji preferred to meet up. It had become pretty familiar over time, which helped with Levi’s fear of dirtiness. He had found a roach or a suspicious stain yet.

Still, after an hour of drinking and chatting with Hanji, Levi was had his fill. The business (and drunkenness) around him was starting to make him uneasy. “I should probably get going soon,” he said to Hanji. “I need to work tomorrow.”

“It’s eight o’clock,” Hanji said in protest.

“Right. And I need to work tomorrow.”

Levi started to stand up off the bar stool—it was more of a clambering down because of his height, but he generally managed to make it graceful—but Hanji placed their hand on his wrist to keep him from moving.

“Just a little while longer. Because I haven’t seen you in weeks, because you work too hard, and because I think you’ve forgotten how to have fun.”

Levi sighed. “I haven’t forgotten how to have fun,” he grumbled.

“Yes, you have. And let’s face it, you were never especially good at that anyway.” Levi scowled, but his threatening facial expressions had lost their effect on Hanji years ago. “Levi,” they said, much too serious for Levi’s liking, “you’ve been avoiding people. You stopped talking to most of our friends months ago. Hell, you only see me because I practically force you to.”

“I haven’t been avoided people,” Levi protested. “I’ve just been busy and tired.”

“You’ve been pushing people away,” Hanji said, their voice toneless as if they were stating an irrefutable fact.

Levi glared up at his friend under scowling brows.  “I am not pushing anyone away. You think I’d agree to go to shitholes like this with you if I didn’t like you?”

“Oh, I know you like me,” Hanji said. “You only push away people you really like.”

And they just let the truth rest there, without explaining it away or apologizing for the accusation. Because Hanji knew Levi more than anyone else did, and a little more than he was comfortable with.

Levi yanked his hand away and hopped the rest of the way off the bar stool. “I’ll text you tomorrow,” he said. “We’ll hang out again sometime soon.” He spun away before Hanji could start protesting or dropping any more truth bombs.

And spun right into some unnecessarily big guy’s chest. The guy started and his beer sloshed over the rim of his glass. Right onto Levi’s head.

“Fuck!” Levi wiped the stinking liquid out of his eyes and tried to get it off his face as much as he could. “Couldn’t you fucking huge shithead look where you’re going, I swear to god—“ Eyes clear of the beer, he looked up to stare down this clumsy giant.

And froze as he looked into blue eyes that he remembered much too clearly.

The other man had also frozen, and a tense moment passed while both of them seemed unable to move or speak.

“Erwin!” Hanji said loudly and just a little too cheerfully. They had witnessed the accident and had come up to stand behind Levi while he was still frozen in shock. “Wow, what a surprise to see you here. It’s been so long.”

Erwin blinked in a startled way, apparently broken out of his shock by Hanji’s words. “I . . . Levi,” he said.

“Fancy seeing you here,” Levi said coldly.

“I . . . yes, what a . . . oh, Hanji,” he said, seeming to register Hanji for the first time. “Good to see you.”

“Yeah, um . . . how’s life been since college?” Hanji attempted to create small talk like the hero they were.

“Oh, good,” he said awkwardly. Erwin shifted his glance down to Levi, who had not yet altered his stoic scowl. Beer trickled in rivulets down the side of his face, which probably detracted from his intimidating expression. Levi didn’t brush it away out of fear that any movement would somehow reveal how nervous, anxious, overwhelmed (and definitely not excited) he was. “How have you been?” Erwin asked, gently, hesitantly.

“I’ve been great,” Levi said.

“Oh.” Erwin definitely did not look a little disappointed. Levi was just making that up.

After another moment of awkward silence that seemed to drag on for five years—as Levi tried to avoid looking away from his eyes but also tried to not really see his eyes, or notice his proximity, or acknowledge the feelings that he had been telling himself for four years that he gotten over—Erwin said, “Well, I, uh . . . I need to get back . . .” He gestured awkwardly to a tall, dark-haired man sitting in a booth.

“Is that you’re date?” The question was out of Levi’s mouth before he thought. Fuck. Why did he say that? Why did he care if Erwin was on a date?

“Um, yeah . . . yes. It is.”

Levi glanced over his shoulder at the guy. He was tall. Of course he was tall. “Well, good for you,” he said. And then he pushed passed Erwin and stalked out of the bar. He vaguely heard Hanji behind him, telling Erwin she would see him around while also frantically rushing after Levi.

When Levi walked into the autumn night, the chill on his head reminded him that he still had hair full of beer. He scowled even deeper and kept walking.

Hanji appeared next to him and wrapped her arm around his shoulder. “We’re getting ice cream,” they declared as though it was a royal proclamation.

“I have a head covered in beer,” Levi grumbled.

Hanji glanced down at Levi as though analyzing the situation. “Fine. I’ll drop you at your apartment to shower. And while you are showering, I will buy us ice cream.”

“I’m fine, Hanji,” Levi protested.

“Like fuck you are.”

Levi dropped his shoulders in defeat. “I don’t want to talk about it,” he nearly whispered.

“And I won’t force you to talk about it. But we are still getting ice cream. You don’t get to run into your college ex and then spend the rest of the night brooding alone.”

“He . . . I never had anything with him,” Levi said weakly.

Hanji just squeezed his shoulders in a half-hug.

*****

Hanji allowed him to shower, as they promised, and when Levi emerged from the shower they were at his kitchen table and had already broken into a tub labeled “chocolate therapy.” They held out a spoon to him and he joined the eating wordlessly. The ice cream did cheer him up. A little.

Which was strange, because he didn’t need to be cheered up, because the last time he had seen fucking Erwin Smith was four years ago and that was more than enough time to get rid of all the feelings he had for him. He hadn’t even thought about him in almost as long. And every time he did, he shoved those thoughts to the back of his mind because like fuck was he going to be pining after someone as dumb as Erwin Fucking Smith.

Hanji watched with interest the anger with which Levi attacked the ice cream, reading his thoughts in his scowl and spoon movements. He wished they would leave him alone, but they never would and a small part of Levi was glad of that.

“It’s been four years,” Levi said after a few minutes of silent, angry eating.

“I know,” Hanji said.

“And I haven’t really thought of him since then,” Levi continued. “It’s just seeing him once, it was weird, you know? It brought back bad memories. The whole affair was just a dumb college thing that I’m still embarrassed by.” He jammed a big spoonful in his mouth and let it dissolve slowly, trying to focus on just the ice cream’s taste. When he swallowed he asked, “Did you see the guy he was with?”

“I didn’t get a good look,” Hanji said.

“He was tall. Glad he’s got someone who can look him in the fucking eye.” Levi speared the ice cream that was left in the carton.

Hanji laid comforting fingers over the hand that was not attacking the ice cream carton. “It’s ok to have feelings for an ex, even if it was several years ago. It was a tough break-up for you. Just because you’re upset now doesn’t mean you’re going to go running to him. It doesn’t mean you’re unstable, it doesn’t mean you’re regretting your choice. There’s always going to be some residual feeling, and you just let yourself feel those feelings and then let them pass.”

Levi grimaced. “Fuck off,” he whispered. Which Hanji knew translated to, “You’ve said exactly what I needed to hear, but I don’t want to admit to how emotional I’m feeling.”

Hanji gave him a quick hug, and together they finished off the carton. Eventually Hanji left after extracting a hug and a promise to text her the next day. As they walked out the door, Levi thought for the hundredth time that he really didn’t deserve Hanji.

Once alone, Levi mechanically got ready for bed, keeping his head as clear as possible as he brushed his teeth and undressed. When he got into bed and turned off the lights, though, he had a much harder time keeping his head clear. Images from four years ago resurfaced against his will. Every time he started drifting off to sleep he would see Erwin in his mind’s eye, and he would be shocked awake with the memory.

Erwin smiling at him across the cafeteria table, stealing glances that none of his other friends saw. Erwin hovering over him in the dark, eyes bright and hair shining in the dim streetlights that shone in through the window, panting and moaning his name. Erwin smiling as Levi opened his eyes in the morning, hair tousled face pressed into the pillow, muttering something about “sleepyhead” as he kissed Levi on the forehead.

Erwin’s voice cracking, usually composed expression breaking under the threat of tears in his eyes, as Levi told him to leave and never return.

Levi tossed and turned for hours, eventually falling into a fitful sleep where Erwin, with that wavering voice and broken expression, kept asking him, “why?”

*****

Levi threw himself into work the next day. It was busy but dull, methodic and devoid of emotion. Since graduating from college three years ago, Levi had been flitting between part-time jobs and internships that paid in pennies. Now, finally, he had landed a job at a good marketing firm. While it was boring as hell, and so busy he ended each day a little brain-dead, it paid well and could eventually put him on the track to an even more comfortable managerial position. Which he wanted. Kind of.

When he got home from work, he changed and cleaned. This was his usual routine. Cleaning calmed him. It felt as though he was cleaning out all the problems, thoughts and stresses of the day.

If he cleaned for a little longer than usual today, he didn’t let himself think too deeply about it.

When he finished this routine, put something for dinner in the microwave, and sat down at his table, Levi remembered that he was supposed to text Hanji. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and scowled at it for a bit before caving and texting Hanji.

“Hey,” he typed.

Hanji responded quickly. “Hey,” they said. Then when Levi didn’t say anything further, “How are you feeling?”

“Fine.”

“Yeah?”

Levi sighed and quickly tapped out the truth. “I was thinking about him a little last night, but when I woke up this morning I was back to normal.” Ok, that was a half-truth. Levi was thinking about him a lot last night and wasn’t back to normal until he arrived at work. But it was close.

“Good. But um, don’t freak out, but . . . guess where I am now?”

“Where?”

“I may be at the bar with Petra, and I ran into Erwin annnnd now we’re talking.”

Levi stared at the phone as though it had betrayed him. The microwave beeped, signaling that his food was ready. Levi stayed where he was.

Hanji sent a slew of texts as Levi stared. “It’s just casual. How’s work, what have you been doing since school, etc.”

“It was a little awkward to start, but Petra’s presence is kind of making it not awkward.”

“You have nothing to worry about. He’s not asking about you. We’re not talking about you.”

“There’s really not even anything you need to know, I just thought I should let you know. And if you want I can never bring it up again.”

Levi finally responded. “Please never bring it up again.”

“Done,” Hanji said. And then his phone fell silent.

He watched it for a few seconds before being satisfied that Hanji truly was done. After giving himself time to remember what he had been doing, he got up to get his dinner out of the microwave. It’s not a big deal, he thought to himself as he returned to the table and started eating, staring off into space as he shoveled the food into his face. It’s not a big deal. It doesn’t mean anything that his best friend and his old college friend were talking to old college ex-boyf—Not even. Erwin was never his boyfriend. Erwin was his fuck buddy who had wanted something more. And Levi had ended it because he didn’t want something more. And he still didn’t.

The sound of Levi’s silverware scraping against the plastic container of his microwave meal seemed amplified in the silent kitchen. The only other sounds in the room was the clock ticking and the traffic outside his window. It was usually when he sat to eat his dinner that Levi realized just how silent his apartment was. 

*****

Erwin had imagined the potential encounter a hundred times.

He never expected to actually have the encounter, and indeed he never actually _wanted_ the encounter. Not really. It would be re-opening old wounds. It would be returning to someone who had treated him like shit. It would be awkward and painful, and as he moved on to other people and better things, it became completely unnecessary. But frequently, especially right after Levi dumped his ass, he had imagined the encounter a hundred times.

And each time he imagined it, Erwin thought of a hundred different things he could have said. “I can’t believe you would just dump me out of the blue.” “I think you owe me an explanation.” “I think you owe me an apology.” “Why didn’t you just tell me what you wanted instead of shoving me out?” “What did I do to you? What can I do for you to make up for it?” “Do you realize what you did to me?” “I still hate you.” “I forgive you.” “I can’t forgive you.”

“I still love you.”

He had a hundred different scripts to choose from, but at the real encounter each script went out the window.

Levi had moved too quickly, and he was under his line of vision, so there was nothing Erwin could have done to avoid pouring half his beer over his former lover’s head. He started back and had his mouth open to begin a heartfelt apology when the short man spoke.

“Fuck! Can’t you huge shithead look where you’re going, I swear to god.”

Erwin knew that voice, even four years later.

When Levi looked up to meet his eyes, Erwin wasn’t ready. He hadn’t changed, not really. He had the same steely glint in his eyes when he glared at someone, the same delicate face fixed in a hard expression, the same soft black hair. He was a little older looking, a little broader in the shoulders and a little more angled in his face, but he was the same Levi.

It felt like a dream. It felt like a nightmare. All the times he had imagined this encounter, and all he could think of was the look in Levi’s eyes.

A cheery voice brought him back to earth a little. He glanced over Levi’s shoulder and recognized Hanji Zoe. He had liked Hanji, but he hadn’t talked to them since he stopped seeing Levi.

Hanji’s words didn’t really register, but Erwin did recognize that he needed to say something. This was pathetic. Erwin Smith was known for being composed, and here he was gaping like an idiot at some punk who had broken his heart four years ago.

“I . . . Levi,” he said, trying to figure out the right thing to say.

“Fancy seeing you here,” Levi said in a tone that stopped his thought process. The tone clearly communicated that Levi was not pleased with seeing him. That Levi still hated him and wanted him out of his life.

Erwin struggled with a pleasant and simple response. “I . . . yes . . . what a . . .” He noticed Hanji over Levi’s shoulder and decided they were a much safer person to talk to. “Oh, Hanji. Good to see you.”

“Yeah um . . . how’s life been since college?” they asked.

Life since college? Right. He had a full life, a successful job. Plenty of small talk material there, if he could only get his head on straight enough to use it. “Oh, good,” he said.

He looked back at Levi to see if his expression had changed during this exchange. It didn’t. He still wore a scowl strong enough to kill a man. The little drops of beer that ran down his face, though, definitely did not enhance his intimidating expression. Erwin was filled with a desire to wipe them away. “How have you been?” Erwin asked him, nervous for what the answer would be.

“I’ve been great,” Levi said, and the message was clear. He had been great without him. He hadn’t even been thinking of him. Erwin hadn’t expected anything different, especially with the way Levi was looking at him. Why did that simple sentence make him feel so disappointed? Shouldn’t he be happy at that?

“Oh,” Erwin said simply. How did he follow that up? What did he say now? What could he say? Was there anything he could read in those lovely, steely gray eyes? Was it worth it to say anything at all?

Erwin decided it wasn’t. “Well, I, uh . . . I need to get back . . .” Erwin waved his hand in a half-hearted manner towards a booth across the room, where the man he had come with was waiting for him.

Levi glanced over his shoulder at the booth. “Is that your date?”

Erwin felt struck by that question. Of course it was, but for some reason it felt dirty to reunite with his old boyfriend—or friend with benefits, or fuck buddy, or whatever Levi had been—and have his new date looking on. “Um, yeah . . . yes. It is.”

“Well, good for you,” Levi said shortly before pushing past him.

Hanji followed, calling over their shoulder, “Good to see you, hope you’re doing well, see you around!” before frantically running out the door after their friend.

And then Erwin was left frozen in the middle of the bar room, holding half a beer and running over the conversation in his head. How awkward had he been? What was Levi thinking?

With a sinking feeling, Erwin realized that he hadn’t even apologized for giving Levi a beer shower.

Erwin trudged back to his table and sat down across from Nile, trying not to think too much about it. Levi already hated him. Spilling half his drink on him and failing to apologize probably did not change much.

“What was that all about?” Nile asked.

Erwin glanced up at him. This was his date. They had met in law school. He was ok with doing a little more than sex. His name was Nile, and Erwin was excited about getting to know him.

“I ran into a college ex-boyfriend. Literally.”

“Ouch.”

Erwin grimaced.

“I’m sorry. That must have been awkward.” Nile didn’t look sorry, though. He looked pretty amused.

“Really fucking awkward. I’d rather not talk about it.”

Nile shrugged. “Deal. Is that my drink?”

“Oh.” Erwin stood up again. “I spilled a little when I bumped into that guy. I’ll go get some more.”

“Don’t worry about it.” Nile gestured for him to sit back down and took the half-filled glass. “You just ran into an ex. I’m not going to make you do anything. Besides, I’ve been waiting for that beer for too long.”

“Thanks,” Erwin said, sitting back down. “Anyway, let’s move on from that. Where were we?”

They fell back into the conversation they had been having—later that night Erwin wouldn’t even be able to remember what it was about. It was a little stilted and awkward, but that’s what first dates were supposed to be like, right? It didn’t mean that it was necessarily a failure. And Nile was attractive enough. They left agreeing to try a second date some time, this time a real date in a restaurant or something similar. Erwin said goodbye to Nile and started the walk back to his apartment.

When Erwin entered his apartment, Mike was sitting sprawled out on their couch, eating popcorn and watching some trashy game show. Mike chucked a piece of popcorn at Erwin, which hit him squarely in the nose and bounced off. “How’d it go?”

“Well, I think.” He shrugged. “It wasn’t one of those instant click things, but I like him well enough. We’re going to try a second date.”

“That’s it? No juicy details?” Mike continued to each popcorn and watch him as Erwin slipped off his shoes and hung up his coat.

“Nothing juicy happened,” Erwin said. “Sorry to disappoint.”

“Boring.”

Erwin sat down on the couch next to Mike and helped himself to some popcorn. He contemplated whether or not to bother sharing his encounter with Levi. It didn’t really matter, did it? So if it didn’t matter, why did Mike need to know? But if it didn’t really matter, why did Erwin want to avoid bringing it up?

Erwin eventually decided to, in the most off-hand way possible, state, “I ran into Levi at the bar.” He took another handful of popcorn and dearly hoped Mike wouldn’t go off the deep end.

His hope was in vain. Mike froze and sat up on the couch. He leaned forward uncomfortably close, as was a habit for him. “Levi?” he hissed. “ _The_ Levi?”

“I only know one Levi,” Erwin said, still trying to sound off-hand.

“You ran into that hellspawn?”

“I . . . yeah.” He was going to protest Mike’s choice of words, but Mike’s hatred of Levi was deep and strong, and it wasn’t really worth it to try to talk him out of it.

“Did you beat him up?”

“Mike, it was four years ago and we’re adults.”

“So, what, you exchanged friendly words over a shared pint?”

“I just . . . said hi.” Erwin sighed. “I actually bumped into him and accidentally spilt some of my drink on him.”

Mike laughed at this.

“Stop laughing. It was horribly awkward. I even forgot to apologize.”

“Good.”

“ _Mike_.”

“ _He_ should be apologizing to _you_. If anything he deserves to have beer spilled all over him. At the very least.”

“It was four years ago. Let it go, Mike.”

“No.” Mike angrily munched a handful of popcorn. “If a short, moody punk breaks my friend’s heart for no reason, I am allowed to hold a grudge against him for the rest of my life.”

Erwin sighed and leaned back into the couch. “It was just weird,” he said. “We barely talked, and we’re never going to see each other again, so it just felt really out of place to see him tonight.”

“I’m sure it was.” Mike watched his friend carefully to try to get a gage on what he was feeling.

“It brought back bad memories, you know?”

“But you’re past that. And you have a new guy you’re trying out, and you’re happy and successful and so Levi can go fuck himself.”

Erwin smiled. “Yes. You’re right.” He ate some more popcorn and tried to banish unwanted memories of Levi. How he had looked four years ago, right after being kissed or as he fell asleep at night . . . and how he had looked a few hours ago, so angry and cold, as though nothing had changed since Levi had sent him away all those years ago. . .

“So what trashy show is this?” Erwin asked casually. “Please tell me you haven’t been watching this all night.”

He was fine, and he was over it. Or so he thought.

Which is why, when Erwin entered the same bar the next day after work, it was just because it was a good bar to get a drink on his way home. And not at all because Levi might, possibly, be there.

*****

Erwin didn’t let himself scan the bar until he had sat down at the counter and ordered a drink. When he did, his heart started pounding when he saw Hanji’s brown ponytail—and slowed down when he saw that the person they were with had red hair instead of black. He felt relieved and disappointed at the same time, though the relief was definitely stronger. As interested as he was in seeing Levi, another awkward encounter probably wouldn’t be a positive experience.

Erwin was contemplating whether or not it was tactful for him to greet Hanji when the red-head they were with hurried his way. He looked up and recognized her instantly.

“Petra?”

“Erwin Smith. Where the fuck have you been these past few years?”

Erwin grinned. “I’ve been in law school, actually. It’s good to see you.”

“And it’s great to see you.” They shook hands energetically. “Hanji,” Petra called over her shoulder, “Look who I’ve found.”

Hanji lifted their head over the back of the booth they were sitting in. “Erwin,” they said eagerly. “Nice to see you again.”

Erwin slid off his bar stool and brought his drink over to their table. Petra bought refills for her and Hanji and joined him shortly after.

“So,” Petra said, “Tell us everything. Are you a lawyer now?”

“Not with my own practice, but I’m working in a good firm. It’s a really good first job.” He glanced over the table at Hanji. He had always liked and respected them—he had never met someone so comfortable in their own skin, and their intelligence was remarkable—but after the incident with Levi, he hadn’t seen much of them. He had figured Hanji had taken their best friend’s side, which he couldn’t totally blame them for. Then again, Erwin wasn’t sure Levi had much of a side worth taking, and a small part of him questioned what kind of person they really were.

Thankfully, Petra’s friendly conversation made the awkwardness dispel quickly. He was surprised how quickly they fell into talking as though they had never parted. These people were among his closest friends at college, and he was glad he had run into them (even if it did mean dragging up bad memories of someone they were associated with).

In the midst of their conversation, Hanji started to frantically text someone. Erwin didn’t think much of it at first—Hanji had every right to text whoever they wanted—but when the texting became more harried, he started to become curious as to what they were texting about. And, given that Levi was their best friend, he couldn’t help but wonder . . .

“Who are you texting?” he asked them. He tried very hard to sound casual and prayed that it worked.

“Levi,” Hanji said quickly. Then they froze and looked up at Erwin with the realization of the implications of what they had just said. “Uh . . . He--he’s angry at me because I’m not over there helping him clean. He’s doing his monthly spring cleaning today.”

Erwin laughed in spite of himself. He remembered Levi’s cleanliness habits very clearly. “I suppose you’ll have to get over there, then.”

Hanji sent one last text and set the phone down. “Mr. Grumpy doesn’t scare me. I can stay a while longer.”

The conversation picked up where it had left off, and it was easy and comfortable and Erwin wasn’t thinking about Levi at all . . .

But, when they all got up to go, Erwin surprised himself by acting against all better judgment. He put a hand on Hanji’s arm and quietly asked, “Can I talk to you alone for a little bit? That is, if you’re not going to be killed for failing to show up to cleaning duty.”

Hanji looked up at him with wide eyes. “We can talk,” they replied. If Petra noticed their whispered exchange, she didn’t say anything.

They walked outside together and waved goodbye to Petra as she got into her car. Erwin turned to the right to start walking home. “My apartment’s in this direction. Where are you headed?” he asked Hanji.

“Uh . . . Levi’s apartment’s in this direction, too,” Hanji said.

“Really?”

They nodded once.

The two of them walked a short distance in silence, hunched into themselves to shield against the cold night air.

When the silence stretched out to an awkward point, Erwin finally cleared his throat and began to speak. “So,” he said. “I just wanted to know how Levi’s doing.” He shrugged weakly before continuing, resigning himself to the knowledge that this conversation would be awkward no matter what he said. “I know I have no right to ask, and I have barely any connection to him. I just . . . wanted to ask.” There were a hundred other things he wanted to ask Hanji, but he restrained himself and left it at that.

“He’s doing fine,” Hanji answered simply. If they thought it was strange that Erwin was asking, they didn’t say anything. “He’s got a new job that finally pays enough to start paying back student loans. Has his own place. He’s doing well.”

“Is he . . .” Erwin trailed off, trying to figure out how to phrase what he wanted to ask. He remembered being worried about Levi when they were at college. He had been able to tell that something wasn’t quite right—something about the turn down of his mouth when he thought Erwin wasn’t looking, or the way Levi fell silent when anything slightly emotional came up—but Erwin had never been able to figure out what it was. What Erwin wanted to ask was whether or not Levi was happy, but that wouldn’t be tactful.

“Is he still cleaning when he’s anxious?” Erwin settled for.

“He’s still cleaning all the time, every day,” Hanji said. “Just a little more when anxious.”

Erwin smiled at their response. “Of course.”

“He’s still grouchy as fuck. He still downs black tea by the gallon.”

The more Hanji went on the more Erwin smiled at his memories of the man. “And . . . is he seeing anyone?” Erwin asked hesitantly.

Hanji shook their head. “He’s not interested in dating.”

“I see.”

Hanji stopped walking and looked up at Erwin awkwardly. “This is actually his building.”

Erwin looked up at the multi-family house in front of him. It was neat enough, but not the most luxurious apartment, and not in the best area. He realized that Levi was separated from him by just a wall and a few stairs, and that realization caused a nervous flutter in his heart. “Oh,” he said.

“Yeah, so. I should probably get inside.”

“Of course. I’m sorry if I was being nosy. It’s really not my business how Levi’s doing.”

Hanji shrugged. “It’s normal to be curious about an ex,” they said. “Don’t worry about it.”

“Well, it was good to see you.”

“Good to see you too, Erwin. Now that we know we frequent the same bar, hopefully we’ll be seeing a lot of each other.”

“Yes, I hope so too.”

Hanji disappeared into Levi’s building. Erwin took one last glance up before going.

A curtain fluttered on a second-story window, but that didn’t mean anything. There were several different apartments and dozens of people living in this building. There was no way that curtain flutter was Levi.

But that didn’t stop Erwin from imagining it was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Ps. I know most of you are aware of this, but in case anyone is confused: Hanji's pronoun is "'they" because Isayama has confirmed that they're nonbinary, and I'm respecting that.)


	2. Pillow Fights and Letter Fights

Levi hat sat on an armchair that directly faced the door for when Hanji walked in. He wanted to give the clear message that he was expecting them. He also wanted to communicate as much disapproval as possible.

Hanji read the message instantly when they walked in. “What?” they asked.

“Nice talk with Erwin?”

“Yup.”

“What’d he say about me?”

“Nothing at all, oh paranoid one.”

Levi couldn’t tell if he felt relieved or upset at that information. “Is that why you showed him where I lived?”

“Oh, you saw us.” Hanji sat down on his couch, sliding off their shoes so they could lie across the length of it.

A few minutes earlier, Levi had thought he had heard Hanji’s voice outside and had glanced around the curtain to see if he was correct. He couldn’t see Hanji over the porch roof, but he did see the tall, graceful form of Erwin walking away from his building. Erwin had looked up to at his window, and the panic with which Levi flinched away and dropped the curtain would have been downright embarrassing if anyone saw.

“I was not showing him where you lived,” Hanji explained. “We just walked together, and he said his apartment is in this direction.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. It’s probably a few blocks down.”

Levi frowned. Just what he needed.

“He did ask a couple questions while we were walking,” Hanji said. “Just really simple stuff.”

“Like what?”

Hanji shrugged. “How you’re doing. If you still clean all the time.” Levi scoffed and scowled. Hanji ignored him. “If you’re dating anyone.”

Levi’s heart stopped. “He asked if I’m dating anyone?”

“It’s a normal question for an ex to ask, Levi.”

“He’s not my ex,” Levi said quickly. “What did you say?”

“That you’re not interested in dating,” Hanji said simply. It wasn’t a very difficult answer—after all, Levi had established that much on several occasions. He would have brief, sexual relationships that never went anywhere, and he had no interest in doing anything else. Still, their words gave him a weird feeling. It was the unsettling combination of relief and disappointment that he had been feeling way too often recently.

“Oh. Good,” Levi said.

“What else would I have said?” Hanji asked, watching Levi carefully.

“I don’t know. I just wanted to make sure.”

Hanji squinted at him for an uncomfortable moment. Then, in a blur of movement, they sat up, grabbed a pillow from Levi’s couch, and chucked it across the room at his face.

“What the—“ Levi wasn’t fast enough to keep the pillow from bashing into his nose. “The fuck was that for?” he snapped.

“Admit it,” Hanji said.

“Admit what?” Levi asked.

“That you still have feelings for Erwin. Admit it or I’m throwing another pillow at you.”

“What the fuck?” Levi chucked the pillow back at Hanji. They caught it easily before it could hit them. “How is throwing a pillow at me at all helpful?” Levi asked.

In response, Hanji threw the pillow back at Levi twice as hard. He barely managed to duck, and the pillow lodged itself between the back of his chair and the wall. “The pillow’s because you’re a goober,” Hanji said. “Admit it.”

Levi threw the pillow again and smiled as it whacked against Hanji’s shoulder. “There’s nothing to admit because it’s not true.”

“Wrong answer.” Hanji hurled the pillow across the room.

Levi caught it in midair and stood up to chuck it at Hanji’s head. “No, it’s not.”

Hanji stood up too and stepped forward to whack at Levi with the pillow. “Yes. It. Is.” Hanji punctuated each word with a blow as Levi desperately threw his hands up to protect himself. The blows were getting harder each time, and Levi resigned himself to the realization that if he wanted to win this, he had to give up on being an adult.

“Jesus, you’re a fucking maniac.” Levi grabbed the seat cushion from his armchair to block Hanji’s pillow. Two seconds later, they were engaged in an actual pillow fight. Like fucking eleven-year-olds at a sleepover. Levi shoved the cushion at Hanji with all his strength, but it was too big and slow and couldn’t stop them from darting around it. Within a few minutes Levi had tripped, fallen to the floor, and been pounced on by Hanji, who was now pushing a pillow into Levi’s head.

Levi groaned into the floor. “Why do I keep you around?” he asked.

“Because you would be incredibly boring without me.” Hanji gave his head a final tap with her pillow before sliding off him to sit on the floor. They leaned back on their hands and watched Levi with a satisfied smile.

“At least I wouldn’t get beaten to the floor with my own fucking pillows,” Levi grumbled as he sat up.

“Well?” Hanji said.

“Well, what?”

“Are you ready to admit it? Or do you need another beating?”

Levi sighed. This was not somewhere he wanted to go. If he to admitted to anything, even the smallest bit of feeling for Erwin, it could cause a giant problem considering Erwin’s apparent proximity to him. No matter what he might feel, Levi didn’t want to ever see Erwin again. That wasn’t going to change.

Then again, he was not in the mood for another pillow fight.

“I mean, he’s still hot,” Levi said reluctantly. “I haven’t . . . well, I haven’t had a good fuck in a while. So there’s that.”

Hanji nodded, but didn’t say anything. They kept watching him as though expecting him to continue.

“But that’s it,” Levi said. “I mean, it’s weird and confusing to see someone that I had such a . . . weird and confusing . . . thing with. But I don’t want to be with him or anything.”

Hanji curled their legs in to a cross-legged position and hugged their couch pillow. “You know, you never told me why you broke up with him,” they said. “At the time, you just said it wasn’t working out, and I respected that because you seemed so upset. But you never did tell me what was going on between you two.”

Levi looked down, and his eyes followed the grain of the floorboards. Nothing had been going on between them, actually. Levi had never had a smoother relationship. And that, by itself, had been the problem. But there was no way he could explain that to Hanji. He barely understood it himself.

“It wasn’t anything specific,” Levi said in a deadpan. “I just didn’t feel like anything was really working. No chemistry. And he wanted more from the relationship, and I didn’t.”

Hanji waited a beat to see if Levi would add anything more. “Okay,” they said. “I know you’re not telling me everything. I’m not going to press you, but I know you’re not being truthful.”

Levi didn’t look up in response, but out of the corner of his eye he saw Hanji getting up to go. “I’ll leave, I know you have work and everything,” they said. “But . . . you need more people in your life, Levi. Running into Erwin again might be a good thing.”

Levi’s head snapped up to protest, but Hanji walked out before he could organize his thoughts. The door clicked shut, and Levi was left sitting in the middle of his living room, surrounded by silence.

*****

Erwin passed Levi’s building every day on the way to work.

He had been doing so for the past several months, ever since he moved to his new apartment, but now, knowing that Levi lived there, the walk was a little different.

He thought about how Levi might be inside as he approached the building. Pointedly did not think about Levi as he walked by. And then wondered if Levi had seen him once he had passed. Every morning and afternoon the same process would repeat.

One afternoon, when Erwin could not help himself, he looked up at the house.

It was still and silent. Erwin didn’t know what else he expected.

After that point, Erwin would look up at the house every time he passed. He wondered which window Levi looked out of every day. He wondered if Levi was in there, and what he was doing.

After a few weeks, the thoughts of Levi clouded his mind to the point where he could no longer stand it. He was thinking about this guy from his past way too often, and Erwin decided he needed to create some kind of closure to put an end to it. After one particularly thought-filled walk home, Erwin went straight to his kitchen table and pulled out a piece of blank paper from his briefcase. Hastily, he wrote across the top, “Dear Levi.”

Mike sauntered into the kitchen, already changed into a t-shirt and sweatpants. “What are you doing?” he asked.

“I . . .” Erwin stared down at his paper. How did he explain this?

Luckily he didn’t have to. Mike leaned over his shoulder and read the paper. “Just fill it with a lot of mean things, ok?”  And he left Erwin alone to complete his task.

Erwin grimaced. He wasn’t necessarily intending to write mean things, but there wasn’t any way he could write a truthful letter without expressing some of the bitterness and betrayal he had felt four years ago. He set his pen to the paper, and the words seemed to flow out of their own accord.

 

“Dear Levi.

“I know it would be a terrible idea to talk to each other, and that it’s better for the both of us to let each other be. However, I cannot live this close to you and not think of the past. In thinking of the past, I cannot help but remember all the questions I had—and still have.

The primary question I have is, why did you tell me to go away that day? Why did you break up with me so suddenly and harshly? I can only think that I did something to upset you. However, I cannot think of what that might have been. The uncertainty that I felt in all following relationships due to that unanswered question has prevented some very promising relationships from developing to their full potential. I don’t know what made you think it was acceptable to send me away without so much as an attempt at an explanation. I don’t know how you justify that cruelty to yourself.

Other questions I have include: What did you want from a relationship, if not what I was giving you? How did you actually feel about me? How much of those months together were a lie? Is this what you do to everyone you sleep with?

Again, I don’t want to see you again, neither do I necessarily look for a respond. I suppose in light of those facts that writing this letter is useless. However, I merely needed to express my feelings in order to properly leave you behind. I have felt quite bitter towards you for the past few years. I don’t expect that feeling to stop. I don’t know how you’ve been able to justify your actions, but I hope this letter encourages you to at least reconsider your past actions.

The truth is, despite everything, I still have feelings for you. And I hate you for that.

                                                                                                            -Erwin”

 

Erwin read over the last line a couple times, wondering if he should cross it out. It was admitting a little more than was safe.  If they did end up running into each other again, it would make their interactions ten times more awkward.

Then again, their last interaction was already as awkward as it could have been. Erwin decided to keep it and folded it up before he could change his mind again.

The next morning, Erwin found the mailbox labeled “Ackerman” outside Levi’s building and dropped the envelope in.

*****

_It was a Thursday afternoon in March. The sky was cloudy and the wind was cool, but there was the faintest hint of spring on the air that made Erwin feel as though the world was promising him something great. He had just finished his last class of the day, and he was making his way across campus to Levi’s dorm room._

_He had decided that today was the day he would move his relationship with Levi to the next level. For the past several months, they had been casual fuck buddies, then frequent fuck buddies, and then they had been practically living together because they couldn’t get enough of each other. Today, Erwin was going to ask Levi out on a date._

_Granted, they were doing everything rather backwards. Most people dated first and fucked later. But Levi did things differently from most people, and Erwin was more than willing to be patient with that. Besides, he could tell that Levi wasn’t one for romance. He would have to do that part slowly and gradually so as to not make Levi uncomfortable, but if he did it right, maybe their relationship would become public. Maybe they could finally start using the word “boyfriend” . . ._

_Grinning at the thought, Erwin knocked on the door to Levi’s dorm room. Levi opened the door, but he stood in the doorway so Erwin couldn’t get in._

_“Erwin,” he said flatly, “I was just getting together all the stuff you’ve left in my room.” He held up Erwin’s spare backpack, which was stuffed to bursting. “I’d appreciate it if you got it out of here.”_

_“Well, I’m here almost every night,” Erwin said, but he took the bag from Levi’s hands. “I thought it only made sense to have some stuff over here. If it’s getting in your way, though, I can take it.”_

_“That’s the other thing I wanted to talk about,” Levi said. “You’re here too often.”_

_“Do you want more space?” Erwin asked._

_Levi’s eyes flickered away for a second, but when they met Erwin’s they were steely and cold. “I want you to leave me alone,” he said._

_The words echoed in Erwin’s mind, but he couldn’t figure out what they meant. “What?”_

_“I want you to leave me alone,” Levi said. “There’s been too much of . . .” Levi gestured into his room, as if hinting at all they had been doing together. “Too much of us together,” Levi finished._

_“I . . . I’m sorry,” Erwin said. “I hadn’t realized there had been a problem. I can see you less frequently, if that would make you more comfortable.”_

_“I don’t want to see you at all.”_

_Erwin felt as though he had been shot. “What?” he asked again._

_“I don’t want to see you at all.”_

_“But . . . why? I thought everything was fine. If I’ve done something wrong, please let me know so I can apologize.”_

_Levi shook his head. “I don’t want you to apologize. I just want you to go. Leave, never see me again.”_

_“Never? Levi . . . why?” Erwin felt his chest constrict with anger at the same time that his stomach felt hollow, empty . . . abandoned. It was an overwhelming and crippling feeling, and Erwin felt himself drowning in it. He didn’t know how things could change so quickly and so unexpectedly. He didn’t know how he’d be able to do what Levi was asking, to just start living his life without him. And, most infuriating of all, he didn’t know why any of this was happening._

_In response to his question, Levi merely shook his head. “I just want you to go.”_

_“And that’s it? Never see you again? Levi, why?”_

_“Go, Erwin.”_

_“No.” Erwin felt his voice rising, and he struggled to keep it under control to avoid causing a scene in the hallway. “No. I can’t just go without an explanation.” He felt his voice cracking and hated himself for it. “Things were so good this morning,” he said weakly._

_“Erwin, go away.”_

_“But why, Levi? Just tell me that. Just answer me. Why?” Erwin tried to keep his expression hard as tears threatened to spill over his eyelids. “Why, Levi? No, you can’t do this. You can’t just--”_

_Levi closed the door, slamming it in his face._

_Erwin stood, unable to move, in the middle of the hallway with a stuffed backpack hanging from his hands. He barely registered the feeling of a handful of tears dropping down the sides of his cheeks._

_The door didn’t open. After what felt like an eternity of waiting for something—anything—to change, of waiting for himself to wake up or for Levi to come out saying it was all a joke, he took it back . . . after waiting until he couldn’t stay there any more, Erwin turned and followed Levi’s request. He left._

_*****_

One day, Levi noticed Erwin walking by his house at 7:20 in the morning. He wondered how often Erwin had walked by before he noticed. He convinced himself that his stomach didn’t do a little flip when Erwin walked by.

Erwin didn’t walk by that afternoon, though. Levi wondered if he got home from his work earlier than Levi got home from his. Not that he was watching for him.

Erwin walked by at 7:20 again the next day. Not that he was watching for him.

A couple more days confirmed that Erwin walked by his home around 7:20 every morning.

When he first saw Erwin looking up at his window, Levi nearly had a heart attack. Thankfully, Erwin walked on without showing any sign of seeing Levi. Levi quickly figured out that if he kept his curtains open a crack and looked through that space without touching them, Erwin wouldn’t be able to see him.

Not that Levi was watching for him.

This continued for a few weeks, to the point where glancing out his window around 7:20 every morning became a part of his morning routine. As he finished the last sips of his tea, he sat down on the arm of his couch and peered out through the crack in the curtains. Every time Erwin passed, Levi tried to guess what he was thinking. He read Erwin’s body language to figure out if he was in a good mood, or perhaps tired, or worried. He stared at his golden hair and the broadness of his shoulders and wondered, what if . . .

Not that Levi cared. (Though he did have to finally admit to himself that he was, in fact, watching for him).

One morning, after a few weeks of this casual stalking (Levi tried to tell himself that it wasn’t creepy, because after all Erwin was walking in front of his building for anyone to see), Erwin deviated from his routine.

Unexpectedly, he stopped in front of Levi’s building and looked up. Levi’s heart stopped, and he had to remind himself that Erwin couldn’t see him from where he was standing.

Erwin went up the building’s front steps and disappeared under the roof of the porch. What the fuck was he doing? Levi wondered. His heart started to pound, and he gripped his mug of tea with both hands. What would he do if Erwin rang up to him? What the fuck did Erwin want, anyway? Maybe he could pretend that he wasn’t home. Yes, that was probably the best course of action.

Levi let out a sigh of relief when he saw Erwin walk off of the porch without trying to ring up to him. Relief and disappointment, again that frustratingly confusing feeling.

What was that all about?

*****

It wasn’t until Levi got home from work that afternoon and grabbed his mail that he figured out what Erwin had been doing. Amidst all the junk mail and bills that he expected (no one ever sent him personal mail), there was one blank, unstamped envelope that simply had the words “Levi Ackerman” scrawled on the front in handwriting that Levi thought he recognized. He dumped the other mail on his kitchen counter and tore open the envelope. Reading the letter was something he was not prepared for at the moment, but he unfolded the bottom to check the name and confirm his suspicions. Sure enough, it was from Erwin.

Quickly, he shoved the letter back in its envelope and threw it on the table with the rest of his mail. He needed to clean. He needed to clean a lot before he would be even remotely ready to read that letter.

*****

A few hours later, as he ate his microwaved dinner alone in his kitchen, Levi read the letter. He read through it once, took a deep breath, and then braced himself to read it again.

The letter stabbed him in the heart with each word. Levi read it again and again, allowing himself to feel this guilt over and over. “I don’t know how you justify that cruelty to yourself.” “How did you actually feel about me?” “Is this what you do to everyone you sleep with?” “Again, I don’t want to see you again.” Levi let each word hurt. It felt good in a twisted way. For the past four years, Levi had told himself that he had done what was best for Erwin. He _still_ believed that. But the guilt that he had nevertheless harbored finally had justification and an outlet, and he dwelled on the emotional punishment for as long as possible. He read that letter over and over and over.

All except the last line.

Levi read the last line the first time through, then chose to ignore it. It wasn’t until he had read the bulk of the letter at least five times (he lost track) and the power of the words was starting to fade away that Levi let his eyes glance over the last line again.

“The truth is, despite everything, I still have feelings for you. And I hate you for that.”

That line stuck in his mind, and the words swam around in there, jumbling up together and repeating their mantra until Levi was no longer certain what they meant.

_The truth is, despite everything, I still have feelings for you. And I hate you for that._

_The truth is, despite everything, I still have feelings for you._

_Despite everything._

_And I hate you._

_I hate you._

_I still have feelings for you._

_I have feelings for you._

_I hate feelings for you._

_-Erwin._

Levi crumpled up the letter in his hands. He looked down at the crumped mess and slowly straightened it again, smoothing it out and re-folding it along the creases that it had initially held. He slid it back into its envelope and walked over to the recycling bin, hesitating as he held it over the bucket.

In the end, Levi ended up throwing the envelope into his sock drawer. He covered it up with clothes and tried to spend the rest of his night not thinking about it.

Still, when you live alone, it’s hard to not let thoughts repeat themselves.

_Despite everything, I still have feelings for you._

_*****_

Erwin felt a weight lifted from him after giving Levi the letter. But it didn’t keep him from looking up at Levi’s apartment building when he passed every day on his way to work.

A week passed. Erwin was starting to forget about the whole incident. Sure, he would remember when he walked by Levi’s building. But by the time he got to work every day, it was out of his head. He had his job to focus on, his relationship with Nile to distract himself with, and Mike to bother him and distract him from any negative place his head might go to.

He broke off his relationship with Nile after a third date without feeling much of a spark. The break-up was civil, and it barely left him upset. He still had a social life, at least, by regularly meeting up with Petra, Hanji, and the other college friends who had all settled down in roughly the same area.

He had been distracted enough that, one morning, he hadn’t even felt the need to look up at Levi’s building and wonder what he was doing. At least, not very strongly.

That’s why Erwin was so startled when he heard a harsh but familiar voice shout, “Hey.”

Erwin stopped and looked around for the source of that voice.

“Up here,” the voice called again.

Erwin looked up to see a slight, dark-haired man leaning out of a second-floor window. Levi. Suddenly, Erwin’s mouth was very dry, and his heart was fluttering.

There was an agonizingly long pause while neither of them seemed able to find their words. Finally, Levi said, “Well, here’s your response,” and threw an envelope out of the window. It landed on the porch roof and slid down to the ground. Levi slammed the window shut before Erwin could say anything to him.

Erwin picked it up and looked at the envelope. It was blank, revealing nothing about what would be inside it. Heart pounding a lot faster than he would admit to anyone, Erwin slid the envelope into his coat pocket and practically ran the rest of the way to work.

Once at his desk, Erwin frantically looked around before pulling the envelope out of his pocket and tearing it open.

The note inside was short and simple.

           

“I’m sorry.

I’m also sorry that you have some residual feelings. Please focus your attention on someone else.

                                                                                                            -Levi”

 

Erwin stared at the letter and read it over two more times.

He was tempted to tear it up and throw it across the room. That didn’t answer _anything_. It didn’t change anything about how he felt, and if anything he felt more confusion and less closure than ever.

Quickly, Erwin grabbed a piece of paper from a notepad on his desk and scrawled on it, “If you’re going to take the time to write a response, can you at least answer my questions?” He pulled an envelope out of his desk and shoved it in before he was able to clear his mind and focus on his job.

*****

The note was dropped in Levi’s mailbox on Erwin’s way home. The next morning, he found an envelope labeled “Erwin Smith” taped to Levi’s front porch.

He ripped it off and looked up to the same second-story window Levi had been leaning out of the day before. Sure enough, there was his ex’s face in the window. He nodded once before walking on.

Just like the day before, Erwin ripped open the letter as soon as he got to the office. This letter was a little more substantial.

                       

“No, I don’t do this to everyone I sleep with. Though I have never slept with anyone as regularly as I slept with you, so maybe I would.

“None of those months together were a lie. I did actually like you.” A few crossed-out words were next to that sentence.

“I didn’t want a relationship at all. That was problem. I wanted something casual, and I could see it was becoming less casual. That’s all.”

 

Frustrated, Erwin wrote back.           

“If you just wanted something less casual, why didn’t you say that to me at the time? I would have been willing to try to give you more space. Even if that didn’t work out, it would have been a better break up.

I think I at least deserved an explanation.”

 

As expected, Levi’s response was taped to the porch the next day.

“It wouldn’t have worked. You wanted more from me than I could give. It was easier to just have a clean break.”

 

“There’s a different between a clean break-up and having a door slammed in your face.” Erwin slipped Levi that note later in the afternoon, and he knew by now to expect a reply the next morning.

 

“What do you want from me?” it said. “I already apologized.”

 

That letter made Erwin pause. What _did_ he want from Levi? What was the point of continuing this conversation at all?

After considering that question, Erwin wrote simply, “I want a better explanation.”

 

Levi’s response was just as simple. “I don’t need to give that.”

 

In a fit of frustration Erwin wrote down, “Yes, you do.”

           

He should have known better than to deliver that message. Levi responded to his terseness in kind, and for the next several days their letters devolved into one of the most ridiculous arguments Erwin had ever been a part of.

 

“No, I don’t,” Levi wrote.

 

“Now this is getting childish,” Erwin replied.

 

“Hey, you started it.”

           

“I can’t tell whether or not to take that seriously.”

           

“Well you did.”

 

“I’m still waiting for that explanation.”

 

“I’m still waiting for you to give it up. Don’t you have a boyfriend you should be paying attention to?”

 

“Are you referring to the man I was at the bar with? We broke it off. There was no chemistry.

And it’s pretty rude ask me to give up a question that I have _every right_ to know the answer to, and a question that has been bothering me for four years.”

 

“Sorry about that. Better luck next time.

I am rude. I’m surprised you forgot.”

 

“You’re rude, but I didn’t think you were cruel.”

           

“Then I’m sorry you got the wrong impression.”

           

“You’re impossible.” And then, on an impulse Erwin decided to take a risk and added, “Get a drink with me some time?”

 

“Are you hoping to get me drunk and get your answer out of me?”

           

“At this point I’m pretty certain that you’ve forgotten why you broke up with me and you’re covering by pretending you don’t want to tell me.

I’m mostly hoping to stop wasting paper.”

 

“ _One_ drink. Tonight. For the purpose of ending this stupid conversation.

Don’t spill anything on me this time.”

 

                       

The letter conversation had lasted over two weeks. During that time, Erwin had only occasionally seen Levi’s face at the window. He almost forgot that this was a real man. The arguing had begun to feel almost like a game. He was bantering with a ghost from the past.

When Erwin invited Levi for a drink, he thought that perhaps he would be able to get more out of him if they were face-to-face. He also considered it to be a safe invitation because he did not at all expect Levi to accept. When he did, however, Erwin immediately regretted the idea.

One more day of letter exchanges, and they had arranged the time and place. Erwin forced himself to not think too hard about it. It was just going to be a casual (awkward) conversation (probably more of an argument), and so he told himself that it didn’t really matter what he was wearing, or what the exact right thing to say was, or _why_ Levi had actually agreed to this . . .

It was the same bar where he had initially run into Levi and where he had been meeting up with Hanji and Petra. The place was close by, and it was familiar. Erwin had hoped that choosing a familiar place would calm his nerves. It didn’t.

Still, when he entered the bar that evening, Erwin was determined to not give Levi any hints as to what he was feeling. He had already admitted too much personal information to Levi. That was probably a giant mistake, but it was irrevocable now. However, there was no way Levi was getting any more power over him than he already had. Erwin was going to be his trademark calm and collected.

He pushed the door open, and his eyes lighted on Levi right away.

Levi sat in a shadowy booth in the corner, and he hadn’t noticed Erwin yet. Instead, he stared down at the glass he already had in front of him, finger trailing distractedly around the edge. His other hand propped his head up, elbow resting on the table. The position was excessively casual, yet Levi had a way of hiding an element of grace and sophistication in even the most casual movements. It was as though he was at the same time bored and attentive, relaxed and on edge. It was part of the indescribable charm that had drawn Erwin to him in the first place.

Erwin’s heart fluttered. He gave himself time to calm down by purchasing a drink for himself before going to the table. He was going to need it.

Levi looked up when Erwin approached. “Hello,” Erwin said. He slid smoothly into his seat. “I’m surprised but pleased you agreed to meet me. How have you been?” Erwin mentally congratulated himself for holding it together so well. This was going to go alright.

Levi took a long drink before granting Erwin a response. When he put the glass down, Levi got a direct look at his face for the first time since that surprise a few weeks ago. Now, not caught off his guard, Erwin found himself noticing little details he hadn’t paid any attention to the last time he saw Levi. Like the indescribable gray of his eyes, cooler than a storm cloud but warmer than steel, pale and evenly colored but brighter than—

Erwin flicked his gaze away. This was not going to help his composure.

“Well, since you couldn’t end the conversation,” Levi said as an explanation for why he agreed to meet him. “And I’ve been fine. You?”

“Fine as well.”

“A big-shot lawyer now?”

“How . . . did Hanji tell you?” A look of concern flitted across Levi’s face, but it was gone so quickly that Erwin almost managed to convince himself that he imagined it. “I am working in a law firm, but I would hardly call myself a big shot. I’ve yet to set foot in court. I hear you’re working in a marketing firm now?” The message was clear enough for Levi to interpret, but also subtle enough to ignore if he wished: Erwin had asked about him.

Levi shrugged and took another swill of his drink. “It pays.” He set the glass down with a clack. Erwin realized that he had barely touched his drink and hastily took a sip.  “So,” Levi said. “You’re the one who suggested this awkward get-together. What do you want?”

The question completely caught Erwin off-guard. Trust Levi to ask the blunt, awkward questions. “To be honest,” Erwin said, “I never expected you to accept.”

“Then why’d you suggest it?” Levi asked.

Erwin ignored his question. “However, now that we’re here . . . whatever mess we parted in, it’s essential that people in our stage of life, when things are so uncertain, hold on to whatever relationships we have. By luck we’ve ended up living near each other. I would like to forget about everything that has passed between us and return to how things were when we first met.” Erwin made that up on the spot. He thought it sounded pretty good, considering.

Levi watched him evenly while he spoke. When he finished, Levi said, “Are you saying you want to be friends again, or you want to fuck again?”

Erwin had been taking a sip of his beer, and he nearly choked on it at that comment. He managed to compose himself decently enough by the time he was done taking his sip, and he dearly hoped Levi would attribute that sputter to just a normal cough. “Friends,” he said. “I want to be friends again.” Of course, what other kind of comment had he been expecting? The period of time in which they were friends without sex had been very brief. He should have thought that one through.

“And you don’t think that’d be . . . awkward, all things considered? And more to the point, you haven’t yet been convinced that I’m a complete jerk?”

“Well, I agree with both to a point, yes. But, to be fair, it was four years ago. To be convinced you are a, as you say, complete jerk with so many years separating us from the incident would be a little unfair.”

Levi watched him for an uncomfortably long moment, carefully keeping his expression unreadable. Finally, he said, almost inaudibly, “It wouldn’t be that unfair.” Then, in a normal tone of voice he added, “I have no intention of becoming best friends. I also have no intention of sleeping with you again. Ever, under any circumstances. However, if we are living nearby and apparently have some of the same friends, I can agree to not be a complete jerk.” Levi took a deep sip that drained his glass. “At least,” he added, “Not all the time.” Then he stood up abruptly. “I’ve finished my one drink. That’s all I agreed to. I’ll see you around, Erwin.”

It struck Erwin that this was the first time that evening that Levi had used his name.

“Goodbye . . . Levi,” he added weakly as Levi walked away. His words became drowned out in the noise of the bar and never reached Levi’s ears.


	3. Christmas Parties and Cookies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks to all the sweeties who left comments/kudos!
> 
> Here's something to get you into the Christmas spirit . . . in June . . .
> 
> cw brief mentions of foster care
> 
> (side note--I'm choosing to not reply to comments left here about Hanji's gender because I just don't feel that the comments on a fic are an appropriate place for that sort of conversation. Sorry. If it really bothers you, go read another fic).

Levi stayed true to his agreement to not be a complete jerk. He and Erwin were “friends” in that if Hanji wanted to hang out with a group that included both of them, Erwin and Levi could be there without causing a scene.

Hanji (unfortunately) ended up pushing the hanging out a lot harder than Levi had expected them to. He partly blamed Petra, whose influence somehow made Hanji much more social. The two of them seemed to feed off each other’s energy—Petra’s friendliness and Hanji’s mania produced a socializing force to be reckoned with. Levi hadn’t seen Hanji play off someone so well since college, and it was a little unnerving. It was also a little upsetting. The last thing Levi wanted was to hang out in some loud bar or pricey restaurant every fucking weekend. He went out often enough to keep Hanji happy, and otherwise stayed home while his friend had their fun.

Of course, a part of his avoidance was to avoid seeing Erwin, who was almost always invited by Petra. While they had left their meeting on what were probably the best terms they could be on, it was still awkward as hell. Especially since Levi couldn’t really tell what Erwin actually wanted.

For about a week after their, Levi had spent every spare minute thinking over and re-playing every word out of Erwin’s mouth. He couldn’t figure what Erwin’s game was, and it drove him insane.

But it didn’t matter, he told himself. It didn’t matter, because he did not want a relationship with Erwin.

_It’s essential . . . hold on to whatever relationships we still have . . . By luck we’ve ended up living near each other . . ._

Erwin had sounded so fucking smooth. The calmness in his voice was practically comforting. The fucker had probably made it up on the spot, but he made it sound so classy and rehearsed. And no matter how often he relived the conversation, Levi still couldn’t figure out what Erwin really wanted.

He was definitely a fucking lawyer.

_I want to be friends again._

_I still have feelings . . ._

It faded into the background, though. Life continued. He had other things to focus on, and the letters had stopped coming. Erwin gradually stopped looking up at his window every morning. Levi sometimes forgot to look out his curtains to see Erwin. Every few weekends, when Hanji and Petra managed to get the two of them out at the same time, the confusion would re-awaken for a few days. But it always faded again (kind of). He had a life, and that life was going fine, and it did not need to include Erwin Smith.

(He told himself).

*****

A few months later, Hanji was studying in his apartment while he tried to clean around them. It was two weeks until Christmas, one week until Hanji’s final exams and papers were due (they were finishing up graduate courses in chemistry) and three and a half months since Erwin had spilled his drink on Levi. Hanji often escaped to his apartment to study, and Levi was used to moving around the spread of papers and books they left on the floor.

Out of the blue, Hanji looked up at Levi from where they were lying on the floor and proclaimed, “Weeeee need to have a Christmas party,” holding on to the “we” as if to emphasize it.

“Hell no,” Levi said without looking up from his dusting.

Hanji propped their head up from where they were resting on the floor. “Why not?”

“I don’t do parties.”

“Ok Scrooge, I’m not talking a wild college party. Just a small get-together among friends.”

“Alright, who’s coming?” Levi sat down on the couch and leaned back, crossing his arms and trying to put on his most intimidating scowl.

Hanji started ticking people off on their fingers. “Petra, Auro, Erd, Gunter, Mike . . .”

“Mike wants to murder me.”

“He’ll be mollified by the Christmas spirit. Moblit, Nanaba . . . how do you feel about Nile?”

“Ew.”

“Okay, probably not Nile. And my roommates and some people from my classes . . . hey, what about Farlan and Isabel? You mentioned a while ago that you wanted to get them out here.”

Levi shook his head at the names of his former foster siblings. “There’s no way they’ll be able to travel for Christmas. Farlan doesn’t have the money, Isabel has to stay with her family.” When he had gotten old enough to do so, Levi had moved thousands of miles away from where he had grown up and never looked back. The only downside was that his old friends had been left behind as well. He hadn’t talked to them for months

“Oh, that’s too bad,” Hanji said before returning to counting the number of guests on their fingers. “Maybe I could some of the undergrads I work with  . . . but they would probably feel uncomfortable in a room full of adults. Oh, and Erwin, of course.”

Levi froze up. “Of course?”

“Yeah. I’ve been seeing him almost every weekend.” Hanji raised their eyebrow at him. “I think I see him more than I see you.”

“Bullshit. You’re over here all the time.”

“In the past few weeks I have been so I could study somewhere clean and quiet. But overall, in the past month or so, I’ve spent more time in Erwin’s--”

“Okay, okay. I’m busy.”

Hanji regarded him with eyebrows raised and a calculating look in their eye, as though they were trying to figure something out. Whatever they were thinking about, they chose not to say it, and Levi was grateful of that. “So it’d make sense to invite him, and I know Petra would want him to be there, and I know it’s really uncomfortable for you, but you can always avoid him.”

“Who said I’m even coming to your Christmas party?”

“Oh, you are.”

“No, I’m not.”

“Yup, you are. Also.” In one swift movement, Hanji rolled back onto their stomach and then pushed themselves up onto their knees. “You’re coming over here to quiz me on this stuff.”

“Quiz you? I can’t even pronounce any of this shit.”

“That’ll just make a better challenge,” Hanji said with a grin.

Levi shook his head and sat down on the floor opposite Hanji’s giant textbook. Hanji grinned and handed him the book.

“Alright,” Levi said. “What is . . . the fuck? . . . hydroflugel . . .flouric . . .”

“Also, at some point you will have to tell me why you broke up with Erwin.”

Levi glared over the top of the textbook. “Really?” he said. “You’re asking me this now? No lead in, no talking about feelings, no getting me drunk?”

“Sometimes directness is the best method,” Hanji said, leaning forward on their knees.

“Define the fucking chemical.”

Hanji sighed and leaned back again. “It was worth a try,” they said before spouting off some scientific nonsense that Levi could barely keep up with.

*****

Considering the proximity of Hanji’s exams, the Christmas party was definitely not what they should have been paying attention to. However, they and Petra nevertheless put together the party with ten times more enthusiasm than Levi would have ever wanted. Just hearing about the details was enough to exhaust him. There would be so many people there. He wondered how he could get out of it.

Yet on the day of the party (thankfully Hanji had completed all their exams by then) Levi arrived early to help set up. He didn’t know where they had gotten this power, but Hanji was the one person in the world who could get Levi to give in to them.

Levi was fiddling with Hanji’s fake tree (the way they had initially set it up was much too messy and disorganized) when they blurted out, “Hey, also, I bought a birthday cake for you.”

Levi paused his work and slowly swiveled around to glare at Hanji. His attention was quickly distracted from the offense of the birthday cake, however, when he saw Hanji standing on a chair and working to secure something over the doorframe.

“Wh . . . Is that _mistletoe?_ ”

Hanji grinned. “It’s cute and classic and will be funny when people are drunk.”

“I’ve never actually seen anyone hang up mistletoe.”

“Really? My aunt and uncle used to do it all the time when they had their Christmas parties. Made it pretty weird when I walked under it with, like, my cousin or my dad.” Hanji shrugged. “Anyway. I thought it’d be fun.”

“Yeah? Are you looking to kiss anyone?”

“Wh-whaaat?” Hanji drew out the word as though it was the most preposterous idea they had ever heard. “Why would you ever think that? Who would I want to kiss? What could have given you that idea?”

Levi crossed his arms and tilted his head as he considered at Hanji. The enthusiasm of their denial obviously meant they were interested in someone. Levi felt slightly embarrassed that he hadn’t noticed this before. “So who is it?” he asked.

“No one. I just said no one, didn’t I?” Hanji jumped off the chair and busied themselves with bringing it back into the kitchen. Levi smiled to himself and turned back to the tree, thinking of everyone who was attending the party and who among them Hanji could be interested in.

A half hour later, Petra arrived with cookies and Levi watched them carefully as the two of them set up the food spread in the kitchen. Hanji was definitely smiling a little too widely, laughing a little too loudly. They were definitely happy, but also more on-edge than necessary for someone who was just a friend. Levi shook his head. He couldn’t believe he had missed it. They would definitely make a cute couple.

He felt a little pang of regret that was quickly pushed away by focusing on the ornaments in front of him. He should have been aware that this was happening instead of avoiding both of them.

How lonely he would be if Hanji did get a girlfriend, and therefore saw him even less frequently than they already did, was something he would definitely not allow himself to consider.

Shortly after that the guests started arriving, and all pointless, annoying feelings were pushed aside by the need to socialize, or avoid socializing as the case sometimes was.

It was a fairly small party, but still large enough to Levi to not know half of the attendees. A bunch of people from Hanji’s grad school and a couple their old college friends showed up. Hanji had ended up inviting a couple of their undergrads, a trio who secluded themselves in a corner while one of the boys busied himself with the free beer and the other two watched him nervously. Levi fell into a casual conversation with Auro and Gunter, made more casual by the booze that was flowing freely. This, at least, wasn’t too bad.

Erwin and Mike arrived together. Levi watched out of the corner of his eye as they entered Hanji’s apartment. Mike squinted and glared at him as he entered before turning around to smile at Hanji. Erwin didn’t even look at him. Levi felt his stomach drop and took a deep drink of his beer to calm it down.

After about an hour, Levi could feel his mood steadily dropping. Auro and Gunter had been greeted by other people and pulled away to other conversations, so Levi wandered over to the food table and picked at the Christmas cookies Hanji had made. People milled around him, talking and laughing and moving easily from conversation to conversation. A Christmas movie had been put on in the living room, and from where he stood he could see Hanji’s undergrad students sitting on the couch and giggling at it, leaning in and talking to each other in an easy, patterned way. Levi got the crazy thought that they were just three parts of the same whole. He turned away in disgust.

“I’d like everyone’s attention!” Hanji shouted over the din. They jumped onto a kitchen chair and shouted a couple more times until the entire apartment was silent. “Thank you,” they said in the same loud voice. “I’d just like to announce that next Wednesday is an important day, not only because it’s Christmas, but also because it’s my good friend Levi’s birthday. So I have a cake. Aaaand he hates his birthday, so I’ll stop there, but everyone is invited to eat some cake and celebrate Levi’s birth. Thanks!”

There were a few shouts of “Happy birthday Levi!” and some scattered cheers, and Levi tried to smile instead of grimace. It was really nice of Hanji to get a cake, and to an extent he did appreciate it. But he also hated his birthday and would rather not think about it.

Hanji brought him a corner piece on a paper plate before flitting away to continue hosting. Levi was grabbed by a couple people and asked what it was like to have his birthday on Christmas, and that kept him occupied for a little while. The cake was followed by some wine, and then a champagne toast to . . . Christmas? Friends? He wasn’t really paying attention by that point . . . and he somehow found himself alone again. Levi wandered out to the living room, where the undergrads were still sitting on the couch while pockets of people caught up with each other in scattered corners. Levi found a corner that was unoccupied and leaned against the wall, another drink in his hand.

A chorus of “oh!”s brought his attention to the doorway between the kitchen and living room, where Hanji and Petra stood under the mistletoe. Petra stood up on her tip-toes and rested her hands on Hanji’s shoulders as she placed a chaste kiss on their lips. When she pulled away, Hanji was smiling from ear to ear and the rest of the guests cheered. Levi cheered too, just as loudly as the rest of them.

Then, he went into the bathroom, still holding his drink, and locked the door.

Levi sat on the toilet and took a sip of white wine while the image of his smiling friend seemed to swim in his vision. The party was just as loud as before outside the bathroom door. It was crowded and noisy and filled with the easy socializing that he never had and never would get a hang of. In here, though, it was nice and quiet. Quiet, peaceful, and wine tasted good.

Levi was snapped out of his daze by a loud bang on the bathroom door. “Is someone in there?” someone called.

“Yeah, hold on,” Levi muttered. He stood up quickly, the motion making him dizzy. Maybe he was drunker than he thought.

Levi flushed the toilet and let the sink water run so it would sound like he had actually used the bathroom. When he opened the door, Mike was staring down at him. They had an awkward, tense stare off as Mike shuffled around him into the bathroom. Always fun.

Levi stumbled and wove through the crowds, which seemed a lot bigger than they had at the beginning of the party. He pushed his way into the kitchen and bumped into someone.

“Hey!” Levi exclaimed at the same time that a familiar voice said, “Excuse me.”

Levi glared up at him. Erwin was also holding an empty wine glass. His eyes seemed brighter than usual. They made Levi angry.

“Good thing this is empty,” Erwin said with a small smile. He gestured toward his glass. Levi did not smile at the joke.

“Um, oh . . .” Erwin glanced upwards, as if noticing something for the first time. Levi followed his gaze to the mistletoe. “Well, uh . . .” Erwin let the idea hang in the air and looked down at Levi expectantly.

The sights and sound of the party grew hazy and seemed to drop away. Levi couldn’t break his gaze away from those bright eyes, and his heart started to beat more heavily. The image of Hanji’s smile floated through his mind again, and then other images—as they stood looking at each other, with the tension thick in the air, Levi’s mind conjured up a story. They would kiss here. Go off and make out for the rest of the party. See each other more—perhaps date, perhaps go back to his place and spend their nights together like they used to. And then . . .

And then Levi couldn’t image what would happen next.

Levi glanced up at the mistletoe again. “Well,” he said. “That’s awkward.” And he shoved past Erwin into the kitchen and began to stuff his face.

He waited until he was sure there was a clear path through the door, and then he hurried into the living room, down the hallway, and into Hanji’s bedroom. He stayed there for the rest of the party, letting the sounds of conversation and the regret of leaving Erwin fade into the background as he drifted off to sleep.

*****

Levi woke up to the feeling of something jabbing him in the side. He grunted and shifted away, but the jabbing followed him across the bed.

“Okay, okay, _stop_ ,” he muttered. He opened his eyes as he groggily took in the world. For a confused moment, he had no idea where he was or what time it was. Levi sat up and scratched his head, looking out the window to get some idea of his bearings. Outside was blackness, which didn’t help him with his location but did at least tell him it was night. He turned around to come face to face with Hanji, perching on their bed and leaning forward uncomfortably close. With that iamge, all the memories of the party and where he was came flowing back.

“Rough night?” Hanji asked.

Levi sighed. His head ached a little, but other than that he felt okay. “Sure. I guess I was just tired. Sorry to bail on your party. If it helps, I was drunk.” He ran his hand through his hair in an attempt to smooth out the tangles his impromptu sleep had caused. “I think I’m still drunk.”

“I know parties aren’t your thing, but I’m grateful you came,” Hanji said, surprisingly serious.

“Uh, yeah. You’re welcome.” Then, working through the fog in his head to do the supportive best friend thing, Levi said, “The party went really well. I had a good time.”

Hanji laughed. “No you didn’t,” they said. “But thank you. I think it did go well for the most part.”

“I know you had fun,” Levi said with emphasis.

“Huh? Oh you mean, uh . . .” Hanji giggled. Hanji almost never giggled. “Well, yeah, I guess in that way it was really good . . .”

“You think you’re going to start dating Petra?”

Hanji smiled and bit their bottom lip. They fidgeted with their glasses as they stared at something over Levi’s shoulder. “Yeah. I think I am.”

“Good.”

“She’s so cute, Levi.” Hanji lurched forward and grabbed Levi by his shoulders. “She’s _so_ cute. And she’s so sweet. And she just brings sunshine and butterflies wherever she goes.”

More to watch Hanji’s reaction than out of actual curiosity, Levi asked, “Good kisser?”

“Eek!” Hanji curled up into the fetal position and collapsed onto their bed. They then spread out their limbs in an exultant jerk and lay on their back with a spaced-out, ecstatic expression on their face.

Levi laughed and lifted himself off the bed. “I’m happy for you,” he said. He affectionately squeezed their shoulder, something very uncharacteristic for him but something that he Hanji would appreciate. Seeing his friend happy made him happy in a way he rarely felt. “Want me to help with clean-up?”

Hanji shook their head, smile still on their face. “Petra volunteered to help with clean-up. She’s coming tomorrow.”

“You’re just going to let everything sit until tomorrow?”

“Yes. I want there to be a lot to do.”

“But—“

“Let it be, Levi.” They jerked upright so that their face was inches from Levi’s. “Let it be.”

Levi laughed again. “Ok. I will. I’ll see you later.”

“Goodnight.” The idiotic smile hadn’t left Hanji’s face.

“Night.” Levi picked his way through the disgusting apartment (it took all his willpower to not at least put _something_ away) and down the stairs of Hanji’s building. He had a slight smile on his face all the way down

Halfway through his walk back to his building, the smile wore off. His feelings dropped. Concerns from earlier that night rose up to consume him. Levi stumbled into his apartment and went back to sleep.

To his frustration, he dreamt of Erwin.  

*****

Erwin woke up the next morning with a headache. Considering how much he had drank the night before, it wasn’t that bad, but it was still bad enough to make him not want to leave his bed.

Erwin closed his eyes against the bright light that poked through from behind his blinds. He could dimly hear quiet sounds of hear Mike moving around in the bathroom and the intermittent traffic of a weekend morning. The noises lulled him into a half-asleep state, and he let his mind wander back over the memories from the night before.

It had been a good time, overall. He had seen a lot of friends he had forgotten from college and a lot of acquaintances he had met recently. Erwin tried not to think about the incident with Levi—after all, he spent much too much time dwelling on the guy already—but he couldn’t help but spare a thought for him. The single thought turned into a train as Erwin recalled how Levi had figured in every moment of the evening.

Erwin had promised himself—and Mike—that he wouldn’t look at Levi. So, when he entered the party, he didn’t look. He forced himself to keep his eyes pointed anywhere else. It had been a strain up until the moment Hanji came by to distract him. Throughout the rest of the night, Erwin had glanced over at Levi only when he was sure Levi wasn’t looking. At one point, he had seen Levi standing alone against the wall and couldn’t help but want to approach him. He knew it was futile, and that Levi would reject him, so he didn’t. But he had wanted to.

After several drinks, and seeing Hanji and Petra’s kiss, Erwin had developed an idea. It was a cracked up idea, and he would have never attempted it if he was even a little more sober. But as it became later in the evening, and Erwin became more desperate for Levi to at least _notice_ him, he started watching for the right chance.

The chance came towards the end of the evening. Levi was making his way towards the kitchen. More importantly, he clearly wasn’t looking where he was going. Erwin sidled away from his conversation and stepped into the doorframe, not hesitating to bump into Levi.

Levi snapped at him around the same time that Erwin attempted to excuse himself. Then Levi was glaring up at him, and Erwin had flashed back to several months ago when they had been first reunited.

Levi looked no less beautiful and no less angry. Erwin’s heart stuttered and his stomach churned. He was suddenly very afraid—afraid that this would turn out like all other attempts had—but he tried not to let it show.

He had made some sort of dumb crack about it being a good thing that he didn’t spill on Levi again. It wasn’t funny. He hadn’t been surprised when Levi didn’t laugh.

He then tried very hard to act surprised at the mistletoe. He looked up at it suggestively and let the glance speak for itself. When he looked back down, he found that Levi’s glare had just barely softened. His eyes were wider and his expression blank, as though he was looking somewhere else. Erwin had stepped just an inch closer. The space between them seemed charged and warm, pushing them to close the distance. Levi looked so beautiful. The warm lights from the kitchen gave his pale skin a light glow, and he was slightly flushed from the alcohol. Erwin wanted to touch it, and he leaned forward, almost positive he would get to do so.

And then Levi had shattered the feeling by saying, “Well, that’s awkward,” in a harsh tone. He pushed past Erwin, and the space in that doorframe felt cold.

While Erwin had returned to his conversation, and the other people in the party cheered him up a little, he had yet to be able to shake the disappointment, the pain and the frustration that Levi had put him through again.

And he still hadn’t fucking learned.

Erwin squeezed his eyes shut and buried his face in his pillow. There was absolutely no reason for him to still be interested in Levi. Levi had not done a single good or considerate thing to him for the past four years. Levi was unpleasant and short-tempered and rude and he wasn’t _that_ attractive, right?

This was entirely unlike Erwin. Erwin knew what he was worth, and he did not give the time of day to anyone who didn’t. He reminded himself of that now— _you’re not being yourself_ , he told himself over and over again. _So pull yourself together_. Because Erwin Smith was not someone who pined over a man who had blatantly rejected him time and time again. In fact, Erwin Smith did not pine at all. And he certainly did not lie in bed feeling overwhelmed by a rejection, and he _certainly_ did not let a tear or two slip out over it.

And when Erwin did get out of bed, he had himself under control again, and he could continue to tell himself those things and almost believe them.

*****

The next few days passed quickly. Mike flew off to his home state to spend the holidays with his parents. Erwin was busy with his own Christmas preparations, finishing things up at the office and making sure that presents were all set for his own family. On Christmas morning, he stepped out of his apartment and hurried down the street, toting a large shopping bag filled with gifts for his niece. The day was cold, of course, and a biting wind encouraged him to keep his face down as he went. He almost missed the figure standing on the edge of the sidewalk, looking across the street as though the most interesting sight in the world was over there. However, Levi’s slight form was hard for him to ignore.

Erwin slowed his walk and shifted to the inside of the sidewalk. He wasn’t sure if this was an interaction he wanted to have right now. Besides, Levi looked off in his own world. Erwin was hesitant to interrupt him.

Levi heard him approach, though. He looked up at him and stared expressionlessly, hands stuffed in his pockets and toes still hanging off the edge of the curb. For a second he looked surprised; quickly, Levi got his expression under control. He nodded once as a way of greeting.

Erwin nodded back. Then he added, awkwardly, “Merry Christmas.” Another beat passed, and Erwin added another awkward, “and happy birthday.”

“Thanks,” Levi said in a monotone. He turned away from his curb and started walking past Erwin, back in the direction of his apartment. He made an odd little half-nod toward Erwin’s shopping bag as he passed. “Seeing people?” he asked.

“Ah, yes. Um, these are mostly for my niece.” Levi passed him, barely looking up. “What are you doing today?” Erwin asked him.

“Nothing,” Levi said without turning around.

“Nothing?” Erwin asked, incredulous.

Levi stopped walking and turned his head so that one eye was looking over his shoulder. “I don’t have anyone around here,” Levi said.

“Yes but . . .”

“Not enough Christmas spirit for you?”

Erwin didn’t know how to respond to that. What he wanted to say—that no one should be alone on Christmas—sounded much too sentimental, and he knew Levi didn’t respond well to sentimentality. But the idea of Levi spending the entire day alone hurt him. Especially given that it was his birthday, too.

“I’m sorry,” Erwin ended up saying lamely.

“Why? I’m a solitary person anyway.” Levi started walking away again. “Enjoy your niece,” he called.

There was nothing left for Erwin to do but turn around and continue his journey to his sister’s apartment. Levi wasn’t worth worrying about.

Hell, if he had to spend Christmas alone it was probably karma for the way he treated everyone.

Still, when Erwin left his sister’s later that night, he found himself stopping in one of the few grocery stores open that day and looking for any food item that could be considered a gift. He ended up picking up an assortment of cookies with ridiculous Christmas decorations on them because he couldn’t find anything better. Ten minutes later, Erwin was standing around the corner from Levi’s building and nervously picking the price sticker off of it. It didn’t come off cleanly, and strips of white paper streaked the top of the plastic container. As if the gift wasn’t already pathetic enough.

This would probably rival the mistletoe incident in awkwardness, but Erwin was determined to do it. No matter how weird it would be, no one should feel ignored on Christmas. Or on one’s birthday. And especially not when the fell on the same day.        

He approached Levi’s building, squared his shoulders and adopted his best “confident lawyer Erwin Smith” posture to hide how incredibly nervous he was.

Levi came down a couple minutes after Erwin rang the bell for him. He had been worried that Levi wouldn’t come and even more worried that he would. He heard the locks in the door turn and stood as tall as he could.

Levi opened the door a crack and leaned his head around its edge. His eyes widened in surprise as he took in Erwin. “What do you want?”

“I . . .” Erwin cleared his throat. “I know it’s not much, and it’s pretty cheesy too, but . . . No one should be ignored on Christmas. Or on their birthday. So I just wanted to give you these,” Erwin held out the cookies, “And wish you a Merry Christmas and a happy birthday. I hope you have a, um, enjoyable and relaxing night.”

Levi hesitantly took the cookies. “Uh . . . thank you,” he said.

Erwin nodded and backed away from the door. “Merry Christmas,” he said again.

“Merry Christmas,” Levi said flatly.

Erwin left Levi’s building to head back home, feeling awkward and confused but also, mostly, really good.

*****

Levi watched Erwin go until he disappeared into the windy night. Slowly, feeling as though he was in a dream, he closed and locked the front door to his building.

Levi looked down at the cookies in his hand. They were just dumb store-bought cookies shaped like Santa or reindeer or Christmas trees. He advanced up the stairs, thinking through the conversation and trying to figure out if there was an ulterior motive or anything he was missing. He let himself into his apartment, where _It’s a Wonderful Life_ was playing for the second time that day, and sat down at his kitchen table. Still moving slowly, he opened the container of cookies and took one out.

It had the bland, overly-sugary taste of most store-bought cookies. Levi bit into it and savored it, eating slowly as he reviewed that conversation again.

 _No one should be ignored on Christmas_.

Hanji usually spent Christmas with him, but they had to travel for a family reunion this year. They had stopped by the day before to give him their Christmas/birthday present, and it had been nice but also rushed, as Hanji had to leave that night. No one else had seen Levi. His family lived several states away, and it wasn’t worth it to travel. He had gotten a quick phone call from Farlan and a slightly longer phone call from Isabel. Both had to rush through their conversations, though, and Farlan had forgotten it was Levi’s birthday. Levi didn’t feel it was necessary to remind him.

Levi hadn’t been so much lonely as bored out of his mind. There were only so many Christmas movies he could watch, and early on his apartment started to feel like it was closing in on him. So he had gone for a walk. Despite the freezing weather and the wind that felt like a continuous slap on the face, it was something to do.

Okay, maybe he was a little lonely.

He had walked a little aimlessly for a while, and his thoughts started to go in directions he rarely allowed them to. Across the street, a little boy screeched with happiness and the noise jerked him back into reality. Levi stopped, stood on the curb, and watched as two parents took hold of the child’s hands and swung him as they walked.

When Levi had been that age, he had been living with his neglectful mother. Not that he remembered it. Apparently she had been bad enough that the state had to take him away from her.

From there, they had shuffled him from home to home, and when he proved utterly undesirable they would shuffle him off again. It had always seemed so pointless to him. It would be more efficient for the system, which obviously didn’t care what happened to him, to just place him somewhere and let him rot. He used to think that finally being adopted would be the answer to his problems. However, the Ackerman household that took him in left much to be desired. He had then pinned all his hopes on college, on getting away, on getting a job. College had been good enough, but it was over and now . . . Now everything just seemed pointless. Lifeless. Just as his life had always been.

Levi was too frustrated to want to keep on living, but not quite desperate enough to want to die, and that was what he had been thinking about when Erwin appeared.

Erwin, who had actually remembered his birthday.

Erwin, who, four years ago, had fallen asleep in his bed and kissed him awake.

Erwin, this ex he tried so hard to push away, who had been the only person to give him anything that day.

Levi took another bite of the cookie and closed his eyes. As he did so, a tear dropped onto a Christmas tree in the box. He screwed his eyes shut to prevent any more tears from coming out. Levi did not cry. His life had been a series of disappointments, and he could count on one hand the number of times he cried about them. He was not going to start now.

Still, he couldn’t help but think of what ifs. He couldn’t help but think, if Erwin had gone out of his way to do something this thoughtful for a rude ex, imagine what he would be like as a boyfriend . . . He couldn’t help but think that if Erwin was in his life, it might not be so pointless.


	4. Rejections and Insecurities

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all, as always thanks to those who leave lovely and supportive comments.
> 
> As a heads up, next week I'm starting a new job _and_ a night class so updates may slow down a little. But it shouldn't be too dramatic.
> 
> Tw this chapter for mentions of past abuse and vague references to depression.

The week between Christmas and New Year’s passed uneventfully, and New Year’s Eve found Erwin, along with most of the rest of the neighborhood, at the local bar. Levi had been (more or less) out of his mind since Christmas. It occurred to him that Levi might show up at the bar that night, but so many people packed that building that finding anyone would be nearly impossible. Revelers at all states of drunkenness middle about. The atmosphere was loud, rowdy and vibrant. People pushed by in a steady stream, laughter piercing through the rumble of uneven conversation. It was a little too much for Erwin’s normal environment, but as he let the alcohol give him a buzz, he felt swept along with the current and amused by the pack of humanity surrounding him.

The evening passed by in a blur until Erwin no longer had any idea what time it was or even who he had just been talking to. He chose that moment, when he couldn’t find any of his companions, to make a quick trip to the bathroom. It was on his way out of the bathroom that Erwin saw him, sitting in an empty corner booth in the only part of the bar that wasn’t swarming with people.

In a strange way, Erwin knew that this encounter was inevitable. A part of him had been waiting for the moment when he would find Levi that night. He couldn’t stay away from Levi, just as Levi couldn’t stop rejecting him. This endless dance, he felt, would continue for as long as they both lived close by, and Erwin felt as bound to it as an addict was bound to his drug. Without making the conscious decision to do so, Erwin approached Levi’s table.

Levi was staring at a bottle in front of him and not drinking from it. He looked up as Erwin approached. He didn’t seem surprised, either.

“What do you want?” he asked.

The question caught Erwin off-guard. There were quite a few things Erwin wanted from Levi, but he definitely couldn’t ask for any of them.

“I just wanted to say hello.”

Levi nodded once, as if to return the greeting. Then he added, “Thanks for the cookies.”

“What? Oh, those. Um, you’re welcome. It was just a little thing.”

“And so I’m giving you a little thank you. No need to brush it off.” Levi took a quick sip and glanced across the room. “It’s the new year in a minute,” he said.

Erwin looked across the bar. On the opposite wall, silent TVs showed the First Night celebration. A countdown had appeared in a little box in the corner of the screen, ticking off the seconds. “So it is,” he said.

“Better go join them,” Levi said, tilting his head toward the crowd in the center of the bar. “Be with people, find someone to kiss and all that.”

“You as well,” Erwin said.

Levi made a disapproving _tch_ noise. “I’m not wading through that disgusting, sweaty mass and finding some random guy to mack on.”

“Well.” Erwin glanced up at the countdown on the TV screen. Thirty seconds left. “I don’t have anyone to kiss either.”

“Still, you should go join the crowd. Have fun.”

“And you don’t want to have fun?”

“Have you ever known me to be a person who has fun at parties?”

“So why did you come tonight?”

Levi shrugged. “At least I’m not bored.”

The room began to count down. The noise had been great all night, but now the volume of every voice joined together seemed sudden and jarring.

“ _Ten. Nine. Eight.”_

They watched each other carefully, as if to see what the other would do.

“ _Seven. Six. Five. Four.”_

The counting, so loud at first, faded out of their attention. The world dropped away for a second, and nothing remained but each other, and the tension that filled the air between them.

_Three. Two. One._

The two of them met as if magnetically drawn to each other. Levi rose out of his seat and reached up on his toes at the same moment Erwin leaned down to meet him halfway.

He felt just like Erwin remembered. Soft, sweet, delicate and yet strong and demanding at the same time. Erwin raised a hand to cup Levi’s cheek, stroking the smooth skin with his thumb. Beneath his hand, Levi’s jaw moved in eagerness to explore Erwin’s lips. Erwin’s wrapped his other arm around Levi’s waist, supporting the small man as he reached up into the kiss. His lips brushed eagerly against Erwin’s, and Erwin replied with just as much fervor. He had been hungry for this kiss for years, and Erwin moved perhaps a little too fiercely, a little too messily, bit a little too suddenly and a little too tightly on Levi’s lower lip. He felt overwhelmed with a need for every part of Levi. He wanted to feel him, to cover him, to consume him in any way possible. Every suppressed desire of the past few months was being acted upon at that moment, and Erwin could not have stopped himself if he wanted to. Levi was beautiful, and Erwin wanted to mark him as his.

In response to Erwin’s ferocity, Levi growled in the back of his throat and wrapped both hands around the back of Erwin’s head. He dug his hands into Erwin’s hair, nails scraping against his scalp, darting his tongue through Erwin’s parted lips as their mouths continued to explore each other’s shape. Erwin backed him up to the table and, when Levi made contact with it, used the arm wrapped around his waist to lift him up. He sat Levi on the table and bent over him, resting his other hand on its surface to steady himself. The hand traveled a few inches across the table until it rested against Levi’s ass. Levi moaned in response to the touch, sending a breath of air into Erwin’s mouth. The moan pleased Erwin, and he parted their lips just for a moment to lean back and observe his work.

Levi’s eyes were wide, his hair slightly mussed. His lips were swollen and red, and there seemed to be a slight bruise where Erwin had bit him. These lips were still open, expecting, while short, heavy pants passed through them. Above flushed cheeks Erwin saw that Levi’s eyes were confused, shocked—and slightly scared.

“Levi,” Erwin breathed heavily. He wanted to ask what frightened him, but his mind was so frantic at the moment that all he could do was breathe out his name and try to load those two syllables with as much care as possible.

In response, Levi rested his left hand just behind Erwin’s head and pulled him closer. Levi kissed him this time. The kiss was tenderer and slower, but it was still just as deep and passionate. Erwin responded by pulling him closer and parted his lips for the kiss to go deeper. Levi complied, that quick tongue darting again into Erwin’s mouth.

Levi pulled away just moments later and moved his hand so it rested on Erwin’s jaw. The thumb reached up to brush across his cheek.

“Levi,” Erwin breathed again.

“Erwin,” Levi responded. “I’m sorry.”

Erwin felt his heart begin to sink. It was going to happen again. The lure, and the rejection. The endless dance.

“Sorry for what?” Erwin asked breathlessly.

Levi continued to gently stroke his cheek with his thumb. “You don’t deserve this,” he said. And he dropped his hand.

“No. No, no please. Please don’t do this.”

Levi gave a slight, sad smile. “I shouldn’t have done that. It was a mistake.” He slid off the table. The tenderness disappeared as though a switch had been flipped, and Levi’s usual bored expression returned to his face. “Happy New Year.”

He turned to go, but Erwin slammed his hand down on the table’s edge to block Levi’s path. Erwin felt a sickening heat growing in his stomach, rage from the past several months boiling over. “No,” he said to Levi, firm and demanding and accusing. “No, you are not going to do this. You are not leaving here without some sort of explanation.”

Levi looked up at him, his expression carefully controlled but surprise in his eyes. Erwin felt his all his control slip away and he couldn’t bring himself to care about that. “You say I deserve better, well you’re right. I deserve much better than not being told what you’re thinking, what you’re feeling, or why you act the way you do. I deserve better than someone who strings me along, sees me just enough to taunt me. I deserve so much better than an asshole who’ll kiss me one minute and look bored the next.”

“Ok,” Levi said. “So find someone better.”

“I don’t want . . .” Erwin swallowed. He struggled to think of some way to say what he was thinking without sounding weak. “I don’t want to find someone better. I want you to _be_ better. I’m not interested in looking for someone else. Jesus fucking Christ, Levi. You really think you can just drop me, and I’ll move on and easily find someone else who . . .” Erwin choked on his words. He took a breath and began again. This time, the words seemed to pour out of their own accord in a heated tirade. “You dumped me without any warning, without any explanation. Four years later, when we’re both supposedly adults, you still refuse to give me any explanation. Now you’re doing it again. I’m sick of it. You are either interested, or you’re not. You either have a reason, or you’re just fucking with me for fun. But you are not just walking away again without saying anything. I am not letting you.”

“Fuck off,” Levi hissed. “You don’t _let_ me do anything.”

Erwin simply left his arm on the table, blocking Levi’s path, and glared at him. It didn’t have much impact—Levi could out-glare anyone. Still, he wasn’t letting Levi go. Not this time.

When Levi finally broke the silence, it was the opposite of what Erwin hoped to hear. “What about _you_?” he spat. “You’re acting like some pathetic victim, but you’re the one who keeps pressing this. You’ve been leading me on for these past few months. Writing that letter, making me meet you, that fucking stunt with the mistletoe. _You_ have been messing with _me._ I thought I told you in no uncertain terms that I want nothing to do with you. So please. Leave. Me. Alone.”

Erwin felt as though he had been punched. The shock froze him and silenced him, and Levi took advantage of that to duck out from under Erwin’s arm.

“But I . . . can’t . . .” Erwin struggled to form his words, “stop thinking about you.”

“Well it’s not my fault you have shitty taste,” Levi snapped. “I don’t care. I don’t care what you’re thinking about. I don’t care what you want. Leave me alone.”

And then Levi turned his back on him.

“Levi!” Erwin shouted. Levi didn’t turn around, and Erwin words were swallowed up by the partiers near the bar. A few seconds later, Levi was also swallowed up by them.

Erwin sank down into the booth. He stared at the scratched faux-wood of the table in front of him without seeing anything. He had been stupid for approaching Levi in the first place. Stupid for going for that kiss. Stupid for seeing him at all, or sending him that letter those months ago. Stupid, stupid, stupid. And perhaps the most stupid thing he had ever done was go home with that boy at the bar four years ago . . .

*****

Levi went home, and he went to bed.

And as he did so, he also cried.

Levi didn’t cry for much. Perhaps a couple tears had dripped out at Christmas, but this was different. This was full-on, tears streaming down, suppressed sobs shaking his little body. He cried silently as he went through the motions of getting ready for bed, and he flooded his pillow as he tried to go to sleep.

Yet Levi didn’t cry for much. He had been rejected from countless foster homes, but after the first few rejections Levi hadn’t cried. He had been insulted and forgotten and sometimes even struck, and after the first few years of that, Levi hadn’t cried. He could count on one hand the number of times he had cried in recent years. One of those times was when he first sent Erwin away, four years ago.

As he got ready for bed, Levi caught sight of himself in the bathroom mirror. He looked at his tear-streaked face as though trying to make sense of it. Eventually he whispered, “I’m shit.” The face in the mirror repeated it, affirming his observation. Levi turned away in disgust.

Those were the only words he allowed himself that night. Plenty ran through his head, but they were all replays of the conversation of that night. He mostly heard the words he had said and the harshness in the way he had said them. Every way Erwin could have taken them and all the ways he had hurt Erwin played through his mind until he eventually fell into an uneasy sleep.

*****

When Levi woke up the next morning, he felt disgusting and groggy. His face was stiff from being covered with salt, and his eyes were stuck shut. Levi pulled himself out of bed. A heavy, depressed feeling settled in his stomach before he even remembered the night before.

While he began moving around his room, he heard his phone buzz with a text. Levi froze, terrified it would be from Erwin, until he remembered Erwin didn’t have his number. When he checked it, he saw that it was from Hanji. The text read: “I’m in your living room. I thought I’d tell you so I wouldn’t freak you out.”

Great. Levi needed to take the spare key away from them. He wondered how long it would be before Hanji could tell how upset he was. He was not looking forward to the conversation that would be had when they did.

Levi stumbled across the hall to the bathroom, nodding to Hanji when he glimpsed them sitting in his living room. When Levi emerged again, fully showered and dressed, Hanji was sitting at his kitchen table and helping themself to a sandwich. “Happy New Year,” Hanji said. “How are you today?”

“Fine.”

“Are you going to tell me why you rushed out of the bar alone and then wouldn’t respond to my calls?” Hanji asked.

“Naw,” Levi said, pouring himself some cereal.

“Levi I swear to god I’m going to kill you some day.”

Levi sighed. Without turning around, he reluctantly said, “Last night—it was New Year’s, and everyone was a little drunk . . . I ki—I mean, Erwin kissed me.”

He glanced over his shoulder to see Hanji’s reaction. Their face was even, and they merely nodded. Of all times to not freak out. Hanji’s calmness infuriated him.

Levi brought his food over to the table and leaned back in his seat. With one hand he held the bowl while he ate with the other. “And, well, I told him to leave me alone. He got a little upset at that—understandable I guess, I don’t know—and I said some more mean things and, well, that’s all.” Levi shrugged. “If that didn’t burn any bridges, I don’t know what would.”

Hanji nodded understandingly. Knowing Hanji, they did understand, and probably understood much more than he said. Levi needed a dumber best friend.

Levi tried one more time to brush it off. “So that was confusing and upsetting, but I feel fine now. Now that I’m sober. I mean, I finally got Erwin to . . .” He glanced up at Hanji. They had their eyebrows raised and they were frowning in a disapproving expression. Levi stopped in his tracks.

“Are you done bullshitting me?” Hanji asked. Levi didn’t respond. “Levi,” they said, “I think now’s the right time for you to tell me why you broke up with Erwin in the first place.”

Levi scowled down at his cereal. He also knew they were right, but he really, really didn’t want to talk about it. “Why do you think?” he asked.

“Because you’re terrified of loving anyone,” Hanji said. Levi looked up at them expectantly, and they took that as a signal to keep going. “I think you are convinced that anyone you love will leave. I think you are so convinced of this that you cannot let yourself love someone. And this is the case with friends, too, by the way. You avoid hanging out with us, and I know that’s not really because you’re tired from your job.”

Levi scowled again. He kept eating so he had something to do other than just listen. “And I think that you are so convinced that you are unlovable that if you really, genuinely love someone, you push them away as forcefully as possible. Because their rejection would hurt the most. Levi.” The seriousness in their voice made him stop eating and look up. “You really love Erwin, don’t you?”

Levi looked back down and slowly returned to eating. He wasn’t answering that question.

“Levi,” Hanji said gently.

Levi shrugged. “I can’t say. I can’t say I even know what love is. I don’t think I _can_ love. But . . . Erwin’s a good person. And someone who . . . I like him alright.”

“Do you really want to let him go again?”

Levi thought back to the night before, and he thought back to the first time he turned Erwin away. He remembered the ache he felt every time, throughout the past four years, that he thought of Erwin. The ache returned and overwhelmed him, just as strong as ever. “I don’t know.” He shook his head. “No. No, of course not. But . . . I can’t . . . I can’t get him back.”

“Why not?”

“Because the things I said last night. Any interest he had in me is probably gone.”

“Levi,” Hanji said, “I know you probably don’t want to hear this, but you need to apologize to Erwin. And you need to tell him why you dumped him. At least partially.”

Levi shook his head. “I can’t. Hell, I’ve never told anyone how fucked up I am. I never even told you, you just figured it out because you’re a brainy freak.”

Hanji grinned. “Thank you.”

“You’re fucking welcome. Anyway, I can’t tell him.”

“What if you put it in writing?”

Levi shook his head. “It’s probably better to just let things be.”

“No,” Hanji said, “It’s easier to let things be. It’s better, much better for you, to go after him.”

Levi sighed. “You know how fucked up I am, right?” Hanji didn’t respond, just listened, so Levi continued. “I clean obsessively to stave off anxiety. I push everyone away. I hate myself and I hate living and I’m too disinterested in everything to do anything about it. I can’t even . . .” Levi broke off mid-sentence and shook his head. “Anyway. That’s not boyfriend material. And you don’t just break down a lifetime of being fucked up by deciding to.”

“I know.”

“So it’s not happening.”

Hanji leaned forward and rested their elbows on the table. “Levi, look. I know you can’t just decide to feel better.” Levi looked down at the floor tiles. His feelings were not close to something he was comfortable with talking about, and they had been discussed quite enough for one day. As soon as Hanji took a breath he was shutting them down. “But no one’s asking you to change. All that stuff being said—and thank you for saying it, by the way—you still care a lot about Erwin. And Erwin cares a lot about you. And maybe it would work and maybe it wouldn’t, but you won’t know until you communicate with him.”  

Levi rolled his eyes. He really did need a dumber friend. “I can’t.”

“So I’ll help you.” Levi cocked an eyebrow at them. “I’ll help you write things down, so the pressure of actually saying the words is off you. Would that work?”

Levi glared at them. It would be so much easier to just let it be, to let his feelings fade and make Erwin leave and never have to think about it again.

Then again, he had tried that four years ago and it hadn’t worked out.

“… Just get the fucking paper and let’s get this over with.”

In the end, after a couple hours of arguing and several wasted sheets of paper from Hanji’s notebook, Levi had a letter written out. (Hanji insisted he write the final draft so it was in his handwriting. By that point, Levi wanted the ordeal to be over with badly enough that he just complied.) It was the coarsest, least eloquent letter Levi had ever seen, but he wouldn’t allow Hanji to persuade him to make it anything better. If it sounded nicer or sweeter, it had a better chance of working, and Levi wasn’t sure what he would do if it did.

 

“Erwin,

I should probably apologize for kissing you and dumping you within the same minute. I guess that was shitty.

I should also probably explain something. It has been five years, after all. So, here you go: I don’t like relationships because that means the other person can leave eventually (and they generally do, considering what a ray of sunshine I am) so if I think there’s a chance there could be a relationship, I dump someone. The more I like a person, the less I want to risk being in a relationship with them. So I guess you can take that as a compliment.

So, there’s the explanation you’ve been begging for. Hope you’re finally happy.

                                                                                                            Levi”

 

“You should rephrase the last sentence,” Hanji suggested.

“No.” Levi folded up the paper and put it in an envelope. He hastily wrote “Erwin Smith” across the front and sealed it up.

“Should we deliver it?” Hanji asked.

“Hell no. I’m taping it on the porch and he’ll see it when he goes to work.”

“What if he doesn’t see it?”

“He’ll see it,” Levi said with finality.

“It seems risky.”

“This is the way I’m doing it. I’m not arguing this.”

Hanji smiled. “Ok. Fine.” Then they added, “You did an impressive thing, Levi.”

“Yeah. Whatever.” Levi tossed the letter on the counter and turned around to face Hanji. “To make up for that shit we better do something enjoyable for the rest of the day.”

Hanji grinned. “Yes, sir,” they said with an over-exaggerated salute.

For the next couple hours, Hanji sat with Levi sat on his couch and talked about nothing as they flipped through crappy daytime television. They couldn’t stay for very long, though, because they had already arranged to see Petra that afternoon. Hanji had been spending most of their time with Petra, including almost all of New Year’s Eve, and Levi was really happy for them (and not at all jealous).

He tried to do enjoyable things for the rest of the night—read, watch TV, anything—but he always wound up cleaning instead. He needed the added comfort.

When there wasn’t anything left in his apartment to clean, Levi went to bed early. He fell asleep thinking about Erwin and woke up the next morning thinking about the letter. His remembrance of what the letter said twisted up Levi’s stomach and the anxiety squeezed at his heart. He approached the envelope, still sitting on the kitchen counter, and a myriad of possibilities passed through his mind—he could rip it up, he could write a new one, he could throw it away and never think about it again. He forced himself to turn away before any those options became too tempting. Erwin had to see it. If nothing else, Hanji would murder him if he didn’t. Still, every one of his self-preservation instincts told him to tear it up and hide it from anyone’s eyes, especially Erwin’s.

Levi knew that he had to put it out on his porch today. He would never be able to live with himself if he didn’t. (He didn’t really like living with himself anyway, but that was a different issue). But he did everything he could to procrastinate. He took his time in getting dressed and ready, waited for the water to become scalding before showering, waited for his tea to become as dark as possible before allowing himself to drink it. Erwin usually walked by at 7:20. Levi waited until 7:19 before grabbing the letter and a role of tape and rushing down the steps to hang it up.

The January air bit into him as he taped the letter to the bannister of the porch steps. A fresh coat of snow had fallen overnight, and he could hear the crunch of footsteps on the sidewalk as people passed. Levi didn’t pay much attention until, as he straightened up to leave the letter behind, he heard a pair of footsteps stop their crunching just a few feet behind him.

Levi didn’t turn around because he didn’t think he could handle seeing the person who was behind him. “Erwin,” he said simply.

There was no reply. Levi risked a glance over his shoulder to see Erwin standing motionless and gaping at him. “Are you just going to stare at me?” Levi asked.

“I . . . I’m sorry.” Erwin cleared his throat. “Um, is that for me?”

Levi looked down at the letter, as though there was a question as to what Erwin was referring to. He couldn’t think of a word to say in response.

“Can I . . . Can I have it?” Erwin asked in a pleading way, as though he was afraid of losing it. Or perhaps he was afraid of gaining it. Levi couldn’t tell.

Levi turned around to face Erwin. Poor decision. Erwin had his hand out questioningly, and his eyes were pleading and vulnerable. Levi’s stomach flipped at the sight of him.

“You can take it yourself,” Levi said, much more harshly than necessary, and he darted inside and ran up the stairs.

When Levi returned to his apartment, he told himself that his heart was pounding from the run.


	5. Confessions and Impulsive Actions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't ever work two jobs and take a grad class at the same time. Don't do it. It will kick you in the ass and you won't have time to update your fanfic.
> 
> The good news (for you) is that one of the jobs and the class end in two weeks. And from that point on I'll have plenty of time to work on this wheeeee.
> 
> Anyway, here's the fallout from the drama of last chapter. Enjoy.

As the next day was New Year’s Day, Erwin had it off from work. So there was nothing to distract him from the mental replay of the night before. The memory of how Levi had kissed him, followed by the harshness of Levi’s words. And then the feeling of being left empty and alone, rejected again and this time for good.

Erwin tried everything to get his mind off Levi, and off the guilt of realizing that he had been pursuing Levi too much. He hadn’t even realized that he was doing so, but now he couldn’t believe he had been so stupid. Levi had made a decision about their relationship, and he should have respected that. Stupid. Selfish.

He went alone to see a movie. He walked through the park in the freezing cold. He ran as many errands as he could think of. None of it distracted him enough. He still saw Levi’s face everywhere.

He should have known it wouldn’t work. He should have known that Levi would want something different. Their first night together had been a hasty one night stand, just a spontaneous bit of fun. One night stand partners do not become relationships. He should have known.

And he had been pursuing Levi, even if he hadn’t admitted it to himself. The first letter he sent was a desperate attempt to see if he could get Levi back. He hung out with Levi’s best friend partly to try to get closer to him. The Christmas cookies were primarily a way to give him something on his birthday, but of course they were also a way to ingratiate himself with Levi. This whole time, he had been much too pushy. He couldn’t believe he hadn’t stopped himself earlier.

When the work week started up again, it brought some. At least at the office he would have something else to think about. Erwin thought this as he glanced up at Levi’s building on his way to work. He just needed to get past this building, and the thought of Levi would be out of his mind for the rest of the day.

He nearly swore in frustration when he saw Levi bending over something on his porch.

Erwin stopped moving. He did not want Levi to notice him, but of course turning around and leaving would ultimately make things even more awkward. He wasn’t sure what to do, so he froze and prayed Levi would leave him alone.

Instead, Levi straightened up from what he had been doing and, without turning around, said, “Erwin.”

The simplicity, and the anger, of that statement sent Erwin into a panic. He remained frozen in the snow, watching Levi carefully to gain some sort of clue about what to do next. That was when he noticed what Levi had been bent over. A white envelope hung against the bannister, almost blending in with the snow around it. Black letters were scrawled over it in what appeared to be his name. Erwin’s heart lurched. It couldn’t be a letter to him. It couldn’t be. Not after Levi’s furious demands that he leave him alone.

Levi spoke again, making him start. “Are you just going to stare at me?” Levi looked over his shoulder, and Erwin saw that his nose and cheeks were red from the cold. Somehow, he had gotten snowflakes stuck in his hair. A ridiculous, irrational voice in the back of Erwin’s mind thought, _I could stare at you all day_.

“I . . . I’m sorry.” He cleared his throat to give himself time to decide what he wanted to say. “Um, is that for me?”

It probably wasn’t for him. He was probably being too presumptuous, and now he wished he could take those words back. When Levi didn’t respond, though, Erwin had his answer

“Can I . . . Can I have it?” Erwin stupidly held out his hand, like a child asking for a toy. As much as he was afraid of what it may say, he felt desperate to see it.

Levi turned around to face him. His expression was unreadable, but the intensity in his eyes made Erwin’s heart beat faster. “You can take it yourself,” Levi spat before storming away from him.

Erwin was left in the snow, his hand still held out as he tried to understand what had just happened. A few moments passed before Erwin recovered his wits enough to take the letter and slip it into his coat pocket.

*****

Erwin planned to open it as soon as he arrived at work, but one thing after another came up that needed his immediate attention. Erwin was not alone for long enough to read it until well into the afternoon, when he escaped into the break room with his lunch in one hand and the letter, sitting like a weight, in the other.

He opened it slowly and carefully, making an even rip across the top of the envelope. He irrationally felt as though any tear or hasty movement would ruin the letters contents. With equal care, he took the single sheet of paper out and unfolded it. Erwin ran his hand along the back of the paper’s creases before finally allowing himself to read.

“Erwin,

I should probably apologize for kissing you and dumping you within the same minute. I guess that was shitty.

I should also probably explain something. It has been four years, after all. So, here you go: I don’t like relationships because that means the other person can leave eventually (and they generally do, considering what a ray of sunshine I am) so if I think there’s a chance there could be a relationship, I dump someone. The more I like a person, the less I want to risk being in a relationship with them. So I guess you can take that as a compliment.

So, there’s the explanation you’ve been begging for. Hope you’re finally happy.

                                                                                                            Levi”

Erwin read the letter four times before putting it down and methodically taking out his lunch. He ran over the contents in his mind again and again as he ate. He didn’t know whether the message was good or bad, whether to take Levi’s words as a compliment or not, whether to allow himself any hope or just let it be.

But he had, at least, received his explanation. And that, he supposed, was something.       

*****

That evening, when Erwin stood outside Levi’s door, he still didn’t know what to feel. Nor did he have any idea what he was doing. In fact, he hadn’t even made the decision to come to Levi’s door that night. Yet here he was.

The rest of his work day passed in a dull routine punctuated by sudden bursts of emotion triggered by his remembrance of the letter. He was signing a document and stopped mid-name because he remembered that Levi actually, maybe, a little bit, liked him. Then he would remember that the letter had also made it pretty clear that Levi would never be open to being with him, and Erwin would sit frozen in his chair, pen hovering over the paper, wondering what to make of that letter before remembering, five minutes later, that he should probably get back to work before anyone noticed his strange behavior.

When Erwin returned home he didn’t mention the letter to Mike, but he was so distracted Mike knew something was wrong. He questioned and prodded at Erwin until Erwin eventually had to give in and hand over the letter. Mike’s reaction was a lot simpler than Erwin’s. In Mike’s eyes, Levi would always be shit for how he treated Erwin. Erwin wished he had that clarity.

Instead, Erwin found himself outside of Levi’s door that evening, long past the sun had gone down and also probably long past time when Levi would be willing to receive visitors. He hunched his shoulders against the cold and stared for a while at the doorbell labeled “Ackerman”. It was a terrible idea, and could only result in awkwardness, but for some reason Erwin pressed the button anyway.

At least, maybe, this way, the confrontation would be so bad that it would be well and truly over.

Erwin waited for what seemed like an eternity, and throughout that time the wind stung his face and pierced through his clothes so painfully that Erwin considered getting up and leaving. Levi didn’t want to see him, anyway.

Just before he left, though, the door opened. Levi held it slightly ajar and leaned around the crack. He was wearing a sweatshirt and pajama pants, and Erwin found the casualness extremely endearing. It was as though he was seeing something private and intimate, and it reminded him a little of the time he spent in Levi’s room during their last year of college.

“What?” Levi asked.

Erwin blinked a little, bringing himself back to the moment and away from his memories of Levi’s dorm room. “I, um, I got your letter.”

“I know,” Levi said.

“Right.”

The wind whistled between them and sneaked into the entryway of Levi’s building, unsettling his hair. When it died down, there was nothing but an awkward silence.

“Well,” Levi said, “I guess you should come inside. It’s cold as balls out here.”

He stepped away from the door, leaving it open so Erwin could follow through. The entryway of his building was cramped and nondescript. Wood floors and white walls led up to a narrow staircase that creaked a little as the two of them climbed in silence. The light was bright, but didn’t reach far, creating a strange breed of shadows that made everything look washed out and weak.

Levi kept his back to Erwin, remaining silent as they climbed the stairs. The silence filled the space between them until it felt like a tangible barrier. Erwin struggled to process the fact that he was inside Levi’s building, that he was on the way to Levi’s home, that Levi was right in front of him. His heart pounded against his chest, and he considered giving it up and bolting out of there.

They reached Levi’s apartment before he could do any such thing, however. Levi stopped on the second floor and unlocked his door, still not looking at Erwin. The lock turned with an audible _clunk,_ and Levi passed through, again leaving the door open so Erwin could follow.

The apartment was a small and simple affair. A cramped but clean living room consisted of a gray couch and a matching armchair facing a modestly-sized television. A bookshelf was set into the wall behind the television, filled with an eclectic assortment of books on the top few shelves and a row of CDs on the bottom. To the left the room opened into an equally clean and simple kitchen area, and Erwin saw a steaming microwave meal sitting on the table, half of it eaten.

“I’m sorry, I interrupted you from your dinner,” Erwin said, awkwardly breaking the silence.

“It’s not like it was a special event,” Levi said. He hadn’t yet looked at Erwin. Instead, he crossed into the kitchen and sat down in front of his food. Levi impatiently gestured with his fork to the seat across from him, as if Erwin should have known what to do in this strange situation. “Sit,” he said. “Say whatever you came here to say.”

Erwin unbuttoned his coat and hesitantly sat across from Levi. He shrugged it off and let it rest over the back of his chair, trying to figure out as he did so what he was going to say. Erwin’s normally sharp mind had gone completely blank except for the repeated realization that he was with Levi. When he looked up, he noticed Levi watching him expectantly. Heart pounding and stomach queasy, Erwin cleared his throat and began to speak.

“I . . . I read your letter,” Erwin began, knowing he sounded stupid, “and I wanted to talk to you about what it said.”

“I’d rather you didn’t,” Levi said.

“I . . . ok. I just . . . I wanted to say that . . .” Erwin faltered. This was completely unlike him, and in his whole life Levi had been the only person who could make him feel so confused. He cleared his throat again and tried to look as though he wasn’t about to burst into a panic. “First of all, thank you for finally giving me some sort of explanation. I understand that it must have been hard to do. And, second of all . . . you said you don’t like relationships because the other person can leave. I understand that, and I respect your feelings. But I want to say that . . . I suppose it would be wrong of me to say I would never leave you. I can’t imagine” Erwin took a shaky breath and had to begin again. “I can’t imagine wanting to. But I know there can be unforeseen circumstances. But I do . . . I can promise that I would do everything in my power not to hurt you.”

Levi watched him with a steely, expressionless gaze, and Erwin noticed that he had stopped eating. He couldn’t tell if that was a good or bad sign, but he had gone too far to back out. Erwin continued.

“The letter also seemed to suggest that there was some shared interest. That my feelings for you are, to some extent, reciprocated. I recognize that this is very forward of me, but I need to ask . . . are they? Reciprocated, I mean?”

Levi looked down at his microwaved food. Erwin tried to read his body language, but he was as stoic as ever. Eventually, after a long and tense pause, Levi simply said, “Yeah.” The word was almost whispered, easy to miss.

Erwin’s heart beat even faster now. “Then . . . I want to respect your feelings, but I also want to see if we can make something work. Because . . . Levi, you’re all I can think about. Day and night. And I . . . really want to be with you.”

Levi still wasn’t looking up. He made a soft _tch_ noise and asked, still speaking in a near whisper, “Why?”

“Why? Because . . . because you’re clever, and beautiful, and . . . and you may say you’re rude, and often you are, but you’re so much more than that. You have a good heart, you never aim to hurt anyone. You’re honest to the point where it’s refreshing. And . . . underneath all the roughness you have a strength and a goodness--”

“Ok,” Levi snapped, cutting him off. This time his voice was loud, the word jarring.“Enough.”

He got up and tossed the remainder of his meal in the trash. Erwin watched him with trepidation as Levi went to the sink and started vigorously scrubbing the fork he had been eating with. His shoulders were tensed and hunched over as he worked. Erwin sat and waited, knowing Levi was processing everything and fearing the response he would get when he was done.

Eventually, Levi threw the fork down in the sink and turned around. His brow was furrowed and his mouth was flat, and he appeared to be struggling. “You came all the way here to tell me that?” Levi asked.

“Of course,” Erwin said. “I care for you, Levi.”

“Yeah, shut up.” Levi started to approach him, and Erwin knew the rejection was coming. “I don’t want to hear any of that sappy bullshit,” Levi spat.

Erwin had his mouth open to apologize, but before he knew what was happening, Levi’s lips were on his. Their mouths pressed together as Levi grabbed him roughly by the collar to pull him closer.

Erwin tensed up for a second, gasping in surprise. Then, as Levi’s lips moved against his, all thought slipped from Erwin’s mind. He let himself relax and closed his eyes, accepting the moment. He couldn’t explain what was happening, but then again he didn’t need to. Erwin only knew that, finally, everything felt right.

Levi pull away the smallest amount to whisper, “Do you have any idea how much you’ve fucked with me?” His lips brushing against Erwin’s as he spoke. Then Levi kissed him again, a little more fiercely. One hand wrapped around the back of Erwin’s neck, and Erwin leaned back into the touch. “Do you have any idea how much time I’ve wasted thinking about you because you couldn’t fucking leave me alone?” Levi said.

He locked his lips against Erwin’s, sucking at Erwin’s top lip and gently scraping his bottom teeth across it. Levi had been kissing him standing up, and now he climbed onto Erwin’s lap, straddling it. Erwin instinctively wrapped both arms around Levi’s waist, pulling him in close until their chests pressed up against each other. Levi wasted little time in returning to kissing him. “I hate you. So, much,” Levi breathed between kisses. “You have.” Another kiss on the lips. “Annoyed me.” Another kiss, this time on the jawbone. “So.” A kiss further back on the jaw. “Fucking.” One just under the ear. “Much.” Levi mouthed at the sensitive skin on Erwin’s neck before returning to his lips.

Erwin moaned into Levi’s touch and breathed out his name like a prayer. This was too good to be true. Levi felt just as he remembered. His small but strong body rested in his lap as naturally, as beautifully, as it had four years ago, and he shamelessly pulled Levi closer for fear he would lose him again. Every touch of Levi’s lips seemed charged, electric, invigorating. Each movement across his skin seemed practiced, and Erwin had the impossible thought that, four years on, Levi still remembered exactly what he liked.

Eventually, Levi parted from him, resting his hands on Erwin’s shoulders. His lips were bright with color, and he was just barely panting.

“Levi,” Erwin breathed. He looked so beautiful, and Erwin could not resist resting his hands on either side of Levi’s face. He gently brushed a stray stand of hair away with his thumb. “Levi.” Erwin laid a soft, gentle kiss on Levi’s lips. “Levi, thank you.”

Levi glanced down and just barely smiled. “So, I guess that’s your answer about whether it’s reciprocated.”

Erwin smiled back, relieved and contented. “Levi, I . . . let me take you out,” he whispered, still praying every word he said to him. “Let me date you. I want to treat you how--”

Levi stopped him by resting one finger against his lips. “No,” he said. “I don’t date. I have never dated, and I don’t intend to start. We can stay in.” He tilted his head suggestively towards the hallway of his apartment. “In the bedroom, preferably.”

Erwin kissed the finger on his lips, which made Levi grimace and remove it. “Please. I want . . .” He didn’t know how to phrase what is was he wanted. He wanted to treat Levi and spoil him. He wanted to take him everywhere, to have everyone see that they were together.

He wanted Levi to be his boyfriend.  

“I’d rather you just fuck me,” Levi said. He leaned forward for another kiss, but Erwin held him back by the shoulders to stop him.

“I don’t want to sleep with you until we’ve been together for a while,” Erwin said.

Levi raised his eyebrows in surprise. “The fuck does it matter? We’ve already slept together several times.”

“I want this to be a real relationship this time. I want it to be meaningful.”

“I think you’ll find that I can be very . . . meaningful.” Levi reached toward Erwin’s pants—which were started to get a little tight—and Erwin grabbed his hand to stop him.

“Levi, please.” Erwin made sure he met Levi’s gaze before continuing. “You mean more to me than a one-night stand. I want to show you that.”

Levi’s face fell. His hand went slack in Erwin’s grip, and Erwin let him go. “I only know how to do one-night stands,” Levi said softly. Then, even more softly, “No danger in one-night stands.”

“I know,” Erwin said. He caressed Levi’s cheek with the hand still resting there. “I know.” Erwin tilted Levi’s head forward and kissed him on the forehead. “But I want this time to be different. Please let me take you on a date this weekend.”

Levi screwed his eyes shut. His fists were balled up and resting on his thighs. For a second, Erwin though Levi would start to cry. When he opened his eyes, though, Levi was perfectly calm. He shook his head and said evenly, “I can’t. I’m sorry Erwin. I can’t do that. Maybe someday, but not now.”

Erwin nodded. He saw that he was going to have to be patient with Levi, but it wasn’t even a question in his mind that it would be worth it. “Ok,” he said. “Ok. Can I come by again tomorrow?”

Levi nodded. “Sure.”

“Ok. Then that’s what I’ll do.” And then, unable to help himself, Erwin kissed Levi on the forehead again.

Levi furrowed his brow. “Are you really kissing me on the forehead like I’m a fucking kid?”

In response, Erwin gave him a third kiss on the forehead.

“You’re such a fuck,” Levi said roughly, grabbing Erwin on the back of his neck and forcing him to meet his lips. His grip was a little too rough and his nails scraped into the back of Erwin’s neck, but the roughness was not unpleasant, and Erwin gladly let Levi force Erwin’s face up to his.

Erwin left Levi’s apartment some time later with a stupid grin stuck on his reddened lips.


	6. Garlic Bread and a Delicious Dinner

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So my second job ended! Now I have nothing but retail work and no idea what to do with my future butttttt the important part is that I can spend my time writing fic. So.
> 
> Special thanks as always to everyone who comment has left sweet comments on this fic. You guys keep me go. Special thanks to people who have left in-depth comments and to those who comment almost every chapter. Extra special thanks to my dear friend Ame. 
> 
> This chapter is basically pure fluff. Enjoy.

The moment had felt infinite. That was the only word Levi could think of to describe it, and it sounded cheesy as fuck.

Yet the word fit. Erwin felt just as he remembered, broad and strong, with arms that held him gently but protectively and lips that yielded eagerly to him. When Erwin finally persuaded himself that he had to go home, and Levi finally clambered off his lap, and Erwin finally shrugged into his coat and smiled down at Levi, Levi could not for the life of him have said how long they had been tangled together like that. The moment when they had been kissing seemed to exist perfectly, outside of time; it had felt infinite.

Erwin promised to come back the following evening and then, after a moment of consideration, leaned down and gave Levi a kiss on the forehead. Levi scowled after him but, after seeing Erwin’s goofy smile, he couldn’t help but smile too.

Then the door closed, Erwin was gone, and the apartment suddenly felt very cold.

Levi’s stomach growled, too, and he remembered that he had only eaten half of his dinner. He wandered into his kitchen and stared blankly into his cabinet, forgetting what he was searching for before he finished.

Instead, his mind wandered back over the evening. To Erwin at the door, looking windswept and lost. Why had he invited him in? That had definitely been his first mistake. If Erwin had stayed outside, the cold probably would have forced him to say what was on his mind as quickly as possible and then leave. There almost definitely would have been no kiss.

Yet, as much as he tried to, Levi couldn’t bring himself to regret that kiss. Or any of the ones that followed it . . .

He hastily grabbed a can of spaghetti-o’s out of his cabinet and attacked it with a can opener as though it had committed some personal offense. He had never intended to let Erwin in—literally or figuratively. Now, the fact that he had caused too many emotions. There were more emotions than he generally cared to feel, and too many that conflicted. This was way too much to deal with and he didn’t have the energy or desire to sort through his feelings for a big dumb blond who had invaded his life.

Levi dumped the spaghetti-o’s into a bowl and threw it into the microwave. As it spun around in the glowing box, Levi’s replayed the night’s scene over in his head. He dwelled on the words Erwin had said as he awkwardly stumbled through his . . . how was Levi even supposed to interpret that? A confession of love? But it was impossible that Erwin was actually in _love_ with him. Interested, perhaps. So an awkward confession of interest and a . . . promise? Deal? . . . that he wouldn’t hurt Levi.

 _I can’t imagine wanting to,_ Erwin had said. Couldn’t imagine wanting to leave him? Why?

Levi shook his head accusatorily at his spaghetti-o’s. And then when Erwin had asked if his feelings were reciprocated . . . why the fuck had he answered? Why the fuck had he said yes? He should have just lied. Should have just let the moment die. What was he thinking?

Levi knew the answer to the last question, at least. He hadn’t been thinking. He had used up all his energy for suppressing his fucking irrational feelings for the past few months, and he was sick of it. Absolutely sick of it. And Erwin was right in front of him, telling him in no uncertain terms that he liked him, and Levi hadn’t been able to take it anymore. Telling the truth was terrifying, but at least this frustration and struggle would be over. So the simple answer had pushed through all his barriers to give one soft, dangerous, infuriating answer. Yeah, they were reciprocated. They were entirely reciprocated.

Levi couldn’t pinpoint the moment when his feelings about Erwin moving to his neighborhood had shifted from irritation to desire. Perhaps the desire had always been there. Perhaps, despite what he had told himself for years, he had never gotten over Erwin after all.

But when Erwin started to describe exactly how much he cared for Levi, that was a little too much to handle. He had thought that if he asked Erwin why, (because _why?_ Why would anyone . . .) he would be able to catch Erwin in an awkward spot, or perhaps even a lie. But when Erwin started to list reasons . . . Levi felt as though he was going to explode. He wanted to jump out the window and never have to deal with this. He wanted to fuck Erwin right then and there. A part of him had wanted to cry.

Levi picked up his bowl of fake pasta and grabbed the fork he had vigorously scrubbed earlier that night out of the sink. He stabbed the spaghetti-o’s as though he were trying to kill them and shoveled them into his mouth.

So when Erwin had put the icing on the cake by saying “I care about you,” (who actually _says_ sappy shit like that?) Levi had thought, well, Erwin clearly wants it. And he had wanted it. And, hell, he hadn’t gotten laid in a very long time, so why not tonight? So, with a soft voice in his head constantly screaming _no_ at him, Levi approached Erwin and did what he wanted to. And Erwin had just leaned into every touch, spurring Levi on with how pliant he was. The feeling of Erwin’s lips parting under him made the air around them seem electric, charged with energy and excitement and _damn_ whatever happened in the future, perhaps this night would make it worth it.

Levi had seemed to be thinking outside of himself as he climbed onto Erwin’s lap to get a better angle. Spread across Erwin’s lap, he felt even more energized. Erwin made no move to protest but instead wrapped his arms around Levi’s waist to keep him in place. Every little move, every little breath even, shook Levi, and Levi hated Erwin for it.

It wasn’t until Erwin refused to sleep with him that Levi started to feel afraid again. His previous relationships had all followed a pattern—primarily that they were not relationships at all. He enjoyed boys, and he enjoyed sex, and so he got those on a regular basis. But he had never, ever, allowed himself to be taken out on a date before. There was something much more personal and intentional about date. With casual sex, he could just kick people out the following morning (and usually did). With a date, he had to deal with someone for an indefinite amount of time. He had to open himself up to a certain extent. And there was no way Levi was prepared to do that.

Sex was good for avoiding emotions. When you’re fucking someone, you’re not really thinking about what they mean to you. And that was exactly how Levi liked it.

Levi knew allowing Erwin to come back and visit him was almost like a date. But it wasn’t public, and it didn’t necessitate putting a name on the relationship. If there even was a relationship. And there was a better chance of turning it into a one night stand. If he had really wanted to protect himself, of course, he would not have allowed Erwin to come and see him at all. But, apparently, Levi was losing all his senses of self-preservation.

He had felt pretty good about that decision earlier. While Erwin was pulling Levi close and moaning in the back of his throat as Levi kissed his neck down to his collarbone, the decision to let Erwin return had felt pretty good.

Now, however, in the empty apartment, it felt terrifying. Tomorrow night, just like tonight, Erwin was going to come for a couple hours and then leave. It would just be a rehearsal for the final exit that would inevitably happen.

Levi knew this. He also knew, however, that he did not have the strength to turn back and tell Erwin no.

And so, the next afternoon found him standing in front of his closet, wondering what exactly one wore to a date that wasn’t actually a date but might feel like a date.

The previous evening had gone decently, considering that he had been in pajamas and had looked like a complete slob. But that was excusable because he wasn’t expecting Erwin. Now that he knew that Erwin was coming over, he couldn’t dress like that . . . but he shouldn’t dress too nicely because that would make it feel more date-like . . . but he still needed something that looked good on him . . . but he shouldn’t look like he was trying too hard . . .

Levi shook his head, realizing what he was doing and feeling momentarily horrified. “I’m turning into a fucking teenager,” he whispered in dismay.

He quickly grabbed a pair of jeans and a green sweater out of his closet. They looked casual but also fit him well. Levi changed from the clothes he wore to work and then checked how he looked in the mirror. Then, again, he realized what he was doing, shook his head, and pulled himself away from the mirror.

 _If this is a short-term thing,_ Levi mentally told himself, _You really don’t need to impress him. And it_ is _a short-term thing_.

Levi went out to the living room and glanced at the clock on his bookshelf. It was 5:45, and Erwin hadn’t actually said when he would be coming. For all he knew, Erwin could come in the next five minutes or the next five hours. Levi mentally berated himself for not getting a specific time out of Erwin the previous night. Then again, he had been pretty distracted then.

Levi scanned his eye around his living room. There must be _something_ in the pristine apartment that needed to be cleaned.

The buzz of his doorbell startled Levi out of his thoughts. He quickly went to his door and buzzed Erwin in. Then he waited stupidly in the middle of his living room, not knowing what else to do with himself. A minute later, the knock came on his door. Strangely, it came from lower on the door, as if Erwin had kicked it.

Levi opened the door and quickly saw why. In both arms, Erwin held two stuffed paper bags. From his perspective, all Levi could see were Erwin’s eyes, bushy eyebrows rising in a smile. “Hi,” Erwin said.

“What the fuck is in those bags?” Levi asked. He stepped back and Erwin squeezed his load into the apartment.

“Food,” Erwin said. “I’m going to make you dinner.”

“. . . _What?_ ”

Erwin hurried past him into the kitchen area so he could drop the bags on Levi’s counter. Then he turned around to face Levi, a big, dumb smile on his face. “I saw yesterday that you were eating a frozen dinner. There’s nothing really wrong with that, but I thought it’d be nice to have a home-cooked meal for a change.”

Levi’s stomach flipped a little. What on earth was this idiot doing? A _home-cooked meal_? Who did that? Who even used words like that? Levi thought back to the stupid Christmas cookies and his stomach flipped a little more. He did not deserve Erwin Smith.

“You just . . . went out and bought stuff for me?” Levi asked.

“Yeah.” Erwin started unpacking the food supplies he had purchased. “Do you mind if I use your cooking supplies?”

“Uh . . . yeah. I mean no, I don’t mind.” Levi crossed the front room so that he was also standing in the kitchen area, looking at what Erwin pulled out of the bags. “This is exceptionally nice of you,” Levi said. He meant it in a questioning way, or an accusing way. He had trouble believing Erwin was doing this without an ulterior motive. Normally, Levi would assume that Erwin was trying to get in his pants. But Erwin had proven he wasn’t interested in that the previous night. So Levi waited for some excuse, or for Erwin to try to explain it away.

Instead, all Erwin said was, “Thanks.”

Levi gave up trying to figure him out. “So. What are we having?”

“Pasta.” Erwin caught Levi’s eye and smiled apologetically. “I can’t cook very much. Pasta’s difficult to mess up.”

“It works for me.”

“I got meatballs as well,” Erwin said, pulling out the package of frozen meat. “Oh, and garlic bread.” Erwin quickly grabbed a loaf of garlic bread out of the bag and grinned.

Did that mean that Erwin remembered . . . no, there was no way Erwin would remember little details like Levi’s favorite food all these years later.

But apparently he did. “I remember that time we went out with our friends in college,” Erwin said, “And you ate all my garlic bread.”

“It wasn’t _your_ garlic bread. It was for the table.”

“And you ate all of it.”

Levi shrugged. “If you wanted it you should have moved faster.”

Erwin laughed and shook his head. “Ok, show me where you keep your pots.”

Under Levi’s guidance, Erwin set the water to boil and microwaved the meatballs to speed up the defrosting. For the next half hour, all their conversation was about pasta and sauce and garlic bread. Erwin attempted to prevent Levi from doing anything, but Levi managed to keep himself busy anyway. He wasn’t going to just sit back and let Erwin do everything. It was his kitchen.

So they worked side-by-side, and to Levi’s surprise, any awkwardness dissipated within the first few minutes of working together. It felt natural to work in partnership with Erwin. They seemed to cycle around each other instinctively, knowing what the other wanted to do with little communication. Granted, it was only cooking dinner, not anything complicated. Still, as they silent worked around each other, throwing smiles over the spaghetti pot and the salad bowl, Levi couldn’t help but wonder how they could go from awkward avoidance to borderline domestic in such a short amount of time. It was almost like they were meant to work together.

In record time, dinner was on the table. A bowl of spaghetti and meatballs, covered in store-bought sauce (Erwin had apologetically said that he didn’t know how to make sauce, Levi had scoffed in return that no one but Italian grandmas knew how to make sauce) graced the center of the table. A bowl of freshly made salad sat next to it, and a plate piled high with garlic bread finished off the spread. They had even set the table with Levi’s barely used dinner set.

“Looks good,” Levi said with an approving nod.

Erwin smiled down at him. “You ended up doing half the work. It’s not quite the present I was hoping for.”

“It’s not my birthday. And it’s my kitchen. I’m not giving anyone free reign in my kitchen.”

The smile didn’t leave Erwin’s face. Levi didn’t like it when he smiled like that. It made him feel nervous and giddy and like he could maybe be truly happy if only Erwin could keep smiling at him like that—which was dumb and pointless and not the way Levi usually thought.

“I suppose that’s fair,” Erwin said. Then he gestured toward the table. “Shall we?”

Levi approached the table and found that, to his alarm, Erwin followed behind him and pulled out his chair.

Levi glared up at Erwin. “What am I, a damsel?”

“I suppose not. But I am, nevertheless, a gentleman,” Erwin said. Then he nodded toward the chair, indicating that Levi should sit down. Levi rolled his eyes but humored Erwin. Erwin completed the gentleman act by pushing the chair in as he sat down, which made Levi roll his eyes again and did not at all make him feel even more happy and giddy.

Erwin sat down across from him and nodded toward the food. “Dig in,” he said.

As soon as he did, Levi’s eyes dropped to the plate of garlic bread. So did Erwin’s. For a moment, time froze. They glanced from the garlic bread to each other, sizing each other up and preparing for battle.

At the same time, both of them pounced. They snatched at the plate, pulling away as many slices as they could in a mad rush to obtain the most garlic bread possible. In only a matter of seconds, just one piece remained. Both Erwin and Levi grabbed it at the same time. Their eyes met, and they stared each other down over the warm, buttery slice of heaven.

This was a battle in which Levi had to risk everything. He kicked Erwin’s shin under the table, and Erwin gasped and let go.

“You cheating little . . .” Erwin growled.

Stone-faced, Levi maintained eye contact with Erwin as he took a long, savoring bite of the last piece of bread.

Erwin sighed and shook his head, and he was definitely trying not to laugh. He was pretty good at keeping a straight face, but the corners of his mouth were twitching up. “Fine, fine. I admit defeat.”

“Good.”

Erwin started to help himself to pasta and salad as Levi continued to savor the garlic bread. “Oh, I forgot the salad dressing,” Erwin said. “It’s on the counter. Can you grab it?”

“Sure.” Levi got up and turned around to grab the bottle.

When he turned back to the table, his plate was empty but for the half-eaten slice.

“You fucking asshole!”

Erwin threw his head back and laughed. The big, booming sound filled Levi’s apartment as Erwin laughed with abandon. Erwin’s expression of delight gave Levi a bit of the same emotion, and he wanted to watch that laughing face forever.

But he also wanted his fucking bread.

Levi jumped at Erwin, reaching for the plate piled high with bread. Still laughing, Erwin pushed his plate away from Levi’s reach and shielded it with his body. The plate was now against the wall, and Erwin’s giant bulk prevented Levi from getting to it.

“Give me my fucking bread!” Erwin only laughed in response.

The next minute was a mad wrestling match as Levi struggled to reach over Erwin’s bulk for his food.. At one point, Levi ended up on Erwin’s lap to get a better angle. The position reminded Levi of the previous night, and he got an idea.

Without warning, Levi lowered his head and placed a kiss on Erwin’s lips.

The ulterior motive quickly left Levi’s mind when their lips met. Erwin’s lips were soft and warm, closed in surprise at first and then parting welcomingly. Erwin wrapped his arms around Levi’s waist and sighed into the touch. Levi responded by moving his lips gently across Erwin’s, lingering in the kiss until he remembered his initial goal.

Slowly, with their lips still locked, Levi reached behind him and picked up three slices of bread in his fist.

As soon as he was sure of his prize, Levi jumped off Erwin’s lap and darted to the other side of the kitchen.

“You fucking cheater!” Erwin roared. Before he could do anything, Levi licked each slice of bread to claim them as his own. “I can’t believe you!” Erwin spat across the table.

Levi sat down across from him and started to eat the bread.

It tasted like victory.

Levi greatly wanted to keep a straight, gloating face, but he couldn’t help himself. He laughed. He laughed into each bite he took, his body shaking with mirth. He laughed so hard that he doubled over. He laughed harder than he remembered laughing in years.

“I should eat the rest of my bread before I’m seduced into giving that up, too,” Erwin said accusatorily. That just made Levi laugh harder and, in spite of himself, Erwin joined in. Soon both of them were laughing uncontrollably, wheezing over their plates of bread and unable to eat anything. Levi felt as though he was going to fall on the floor, he was laughing so hard. He couldn’t remember the last time he had lost control of himself like this. He wasn’t sure if he ever had.

“I’m going to get you back,” Erwin said. “Someday I’m going to get you back for that.”

“Hey, I was just retaliating for what you did,” Levi breathed out between laughs.

“My trick wasn’t nearly as cruel as yours.”

“That’s what you get for cheating.”

“Excuse me, I believe you started it _by kicking me_.”

“Grip wasn’t tight enough, Smith. Not my fault a little kick made you let go.”

“You’re incorrigible.”

In response, Levi took a bite of his bread with one hand while flipping Erwin off with the other. This made both of them laugh again and, Levi realized amid bursts of laughter, that this felt . . . right. It felt easy and natural. The realization made him feel strangely light and giddy.

The rest of the meal contained an equal amount of banter and laughter—though, thankfully, less tricks. Erwin handed over a few extra pieces of garlic bread (creating a truce) and insisted on serving the rest of the food to Levi himself. And despite the generic, store-bought nature of the food, Levi couldn’t remember the last time he had something so delcious. After the meal Erwin insisted on helping clean-up, which ended up involving Levi giving him strict instructions on exactly how to clean. Erwin didn’t seem to mind it, nodding every time Levi gave him a direction and following it without protest. Most of the time, if Levi did the same thing to others, he put himself in danger of being snapped at. Levi didn’t know why Erwin was being so relaxed about it, but it definitely made the cleaning up easier.

After everything was cleaned up and put away, Erwin had to leave. Levi followed him as he crossed the apartment to the door and shrugged on his coat. “Well, thank you for having me over,” Erwin said politely.

Erwin was thanking _him_? Levi was tempted to laugh. “Well, thank you for dinner,” he said in response, hoping it sounded as smooth and polite as Erwin did.

“Well, they say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach,” Erwin said.

What was that supposed to mean? Erwin wanted to get to his heart? Had dinner been some sort of seduction?

Didn’t Erwin realize he was already in Levi’s heart?

Levi didn’t know how to respond to that comment, and so they fell into an awkward silence for a moment that seemed to stretch on indefinitely. After a little while, Erwin said, “By the way, could I have your phone number?”

“Oh. Sure.”

Erwin took out his phone and tapped a few buttons before handing it over to Levi. He punched in his phone number while Erwin watched. Erwin looked down at him with much more focus than necessary for the simple task, and Levi felt the air around him getting surprisingly hot. He made a typo and had to erase half the number and start over. Hopefully Erwin didn’t notice that.

“Thank you,” Erwin said as Levi handed it back over. Silence fell over the room again, a silence born of tension in the air. After a few seconds, Levi realized they had both been staring at each other.

“Levi . . .” Erwin began to say something but trailed off. Instead, he placed a hand under Levi’s chin and gently pressed it up so that Levi’s face was angled toward his. Surprised, Levi allowed Erwin to move him. The place where Erwin’s fingers rested tingled.

Levi was ready when Erwin placed a soft, tender kiss on his lips.

When Erwin eventually pulled away, Levi felt cold without him there.

“Goodnight, Levi,” Erwin said.

“Goodnight.”

Erwin stepped out of the apartment, closing the door behind him. Levi wrapped his arms around him, as if trying to retain some of the warmth Erwin brought into the apartment. He sank down onto the couch and wondered what could be wrong with him that he had allowed Erwin Smith to impact him this much.

*****

Erwin stepped outside and into the biting winter air. He walked in a brisk, business-like manner with his head down to protect his face with the cold.

Then he turned a corner, stopped, looked up, and whispered, “Yes!” to the streetlights. Erwin practically skipped back home.

He didn’t notice the cold. He barely realized where he was going. Erwin felt like he was walking on air. No, he was flying. He was soaring through the air on the wings of love and he didn’t give a fuck how cheesy that was.

Erwin jumped up his stairs two at a time. He let himself into his apartment (Mike was at his parent’s house, and he was dreading breaking the news to him that he was dating Levi again, but that was a problem for another day). He turned on the light and slipped off his shoes and then, in the privacy of his living room, Erwin threw his hands up and shouted “Yes!” to the ceiling light

Then he collapsed onto his couch, lying on his back and staring at the ceiling. His coat was still on. He didn’t really notice.

Instead of the ceiling, Erwin saw glimpses of Levi as he had looked that evening. Levi standing over a pot of pasta, brow furrowed as he concentrated and cheeks a little red with the heat. Levi’s humorously focused face during their garlic bread battle. Levi laughing, face softened by an open-mouthed grin he hardly ever wore, head thrown back a little, eyes bright instead of the usual harshness. Levi looking at him as he was about to leave, eyes dazed, lips slightly parted, face a little pink.

The way Levi had felt when they kissed.

Erwin closed his eyes and smiled widely. “I did good,” he whispered to himself. He had been a little nervous bringing food over. After all, Levi could always reject the gift, scoff at him, tell him he was acting too much like a date. But it had ended up working perfectly, and he congratulated himself on his romantic prowess.

Erwin suddenly snapped his eyes open and pulled his phone out of his coat pocket. He unlocked it and found that it was still on the new contacts page where Levi had input his number.

Erwin stared at the name for a second before starting a new text.

“Hey, this is Erwin,” he typed. He thought for a second about the perfect phrasing before writing, “Thank you for a lovely evening.”

And sent it. Erwin rested the phone on his chest again and closed his eyes, remembering more of the evening, memories of Levi floating through his memory. His mind’s eye wandered over every detail and contour of Levi’s face before his phone vibrated against his chest, snapping him out of his daze.

Levi had simply sent back, “Thank you.”

Erwin thought of a hundred sweet things he wanted to say, but he knew that anything too romantic would spook Levi, so he simply wrote, “Goodnight. Sweet dreams.”

And it didn’t take long for Levi to reply, “You too.”

*****

 _“You can stay here if you want_. _”_

_Erwin froze in the act of putting on his shoes and looked up. Levi wasn’t looking at him. He was sitting on his bed and looking out the window of his dorm room, clad only in boxers._

_“I mean, it’s cold out and it’s pretty late for the walk of shame. I don’t mind if you stay here tonight.” He spoke in his usual deadpan, but Erwin couldn’t help but feel a little thrill at the words._

_“But where will I sleep?” Erwin asked. “I don’t think I’d fit comfortably on your bed.” He didn’t really want to protest, but he felt almost as if he should. And a part of him was truly curious how much Levi actually wanted him to stay there._

_“There weren’t any problems for the past hour,” Levi said, still not looking at him. “I don’t take up much space when I sleep.” Without waiting for an answer, Levi pulled open a drawer of the bureau that was within reach from his bed. He shrugged on a t-shirt, still not looking at Erwin and then lay down. While Erwin watched, he scooted so that he was on the edge of the bed closest to the wall._

_Erwin stepped out of his shoes. He also stripped himself of his sweatshirt and his jeans so that he too was only wearing a t-shirt and boxers. Levi hadn’t moved._

_“Thank you,” Erwin whispered. Levi didn’t respond, and he wondered if Levi had already fallen asleep._

_Carefully, he lay down in Levi’s bed, trying not to jostle it too much. Just when he was certain Levi had fallen asleep, he heard Levi mutter, “G’night.”_

_“Goodnight,” Erwin whispered. Then he felt compelled to add, “Sweet dreams.”_

_Levi made just the slightest movement to adjust himself before going to sleep. In just the slightest amount, Levi’s body was closer to Erwin’s. Erwin’s fell asleep with their bodies almost touching and surrounded by the smell of Levi._

_“You too,” Levi whispered into his pillow before they both drifted off._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I mean I would betray those dear to me over garlic bread so I assume everyone else would as well.
> 
> This chapter was so much fun for me to write you have no idea.


	7. Cuddles and Confessions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And some more fluff.

Erwin woke up the next day feeling like singing. He danced to work. He floated through the work day. It got to the point where his coworkers gave him uncomfortable glances before he realized that he was maybe smiling more than usual. He hadn’t felt this joyful, this ridiculously love-sick, for ages.

The first thing he did upon coming home from work was whip out his phone. He’d had the self-control to not text Levi during the work day, but now that he was home all the things he had wanted to say to Levi flooded his mind.

Most of those things were too cheesy and romantic to actually say, so he settled on something simple.

“Hey. How was your day? I was wondering when you would like to hang out next.”

Erwin sent it and stared down at his phone for a second until the wait became agonizingly tedious. He lowered himself onto his couch and flipped through other apps on his phone, checking the news and the weather and even Facebook (and Erwin hated Facebook) before the phone vibrated in his grip.

Levi had responded with, “Hi. It was fine. I don’t care, whenever.”

That was a little terser than he’d like, but that was Levi.

Erwin paused to think before replying. He didn’t want to suggest they hang out immediately lest he overwhelm Levi. However, he didn’t think he could go very long without seeing him either.

“What are you doing the day after tomorrow?” he typed out. That would be a Friday, so it was hopefully a good night to do something. “Mike’s out of town, so you can come to my place if you want.”

It was a full five minutes before Levi replied, and when he did his response was remarkably short.

“Sure.”

Erwin grinned. Short or not, it was exactly what he wanted. “Great. Want to come around six?”

Again, “Sure.”

Then Erwin typed out, “I’m looking forward to seeing you.”

Levi’s response made his grin even bigger. “Me too.”

*****

Getting through Friday’s work day was agony. Each hour lasted five billion years.When the day finally did end, Erwin practically sprinted home.

He cleaned up his apartment the best he could, knowing Levi’s preference for neatness. Then he changed out of his work clothes and into jeans and a v-neck t-shirt. He stared at the mirror for several minutes after that, wondering if he looked too casual. If he dressed up, would it look like he was trying to hard? If he stayed like this, would it look like he wasn’t trying at all? Before he could make a decision, a knock sounded at the door. Erwin nervously straightened his hair, took a deep breath, and went to open it.

Levi looked up at him with a controlled expression. His eyes were wide and a little darker than usual, and his hair was tussled from the wind. Levi’s body was swaddled in his coat and a green scarf that went over his mouth, and Erwin found the sight adorable.

“Hi,” Erwin said.

Levi unzipped his coat a little and peeled the scarf off of his face, slowly pulling himself out of his layers. “Hi,” he said in response.

“It’s good to see you.”

“Yeah,” Levi said, and he left it at that.

Erwin wondered why he didn’t return the sentiment, but he tried not to think too much about it. Instead, he stepped back to allow Levi room to enter. “Come in,” he said. “Make yourself at home. Can I offer you anything?”

“No thanks.” Levi started to shuck off his coat, so Erwin helped slide it off his shoulders. He noticed that Levi wore a navy blue sweater that looked very similar to the green one he had on the other day. For some inexplicable reason, he found the similarity comforting and cute.

Levi stopped moving as Erwin took the coat from his shoulders and hung it up on a coatrack near the door. He held himself in an awkwardly rigid posture, and his small eyes darted around the room to take everything in. Levi appeared completely tense, and Erwin wondered if suggesting his place had been a bad idea.

“Please, have a seat,” Erwin said, trying to help Levi feel at home. He gestured towards the couch in his living room. Levi followed his request by perching on the edge of the couch but keeping his posture utterly straight.

“Have you eaten yet?” Erwin asked. Levi shook his head. “I would offer to cook again, but truth is the only thing I really know how to cook is pasta.” Erwin gave him a self-depreciating smile. He could also cook breakfast really well, and he almost said as much before realizing just how that would come across. Erwin cleared his throat and continued. “I was thinking we could either order in or go out. Is that okay with you?”

Levi nodded. “Fine. Let’s order in.”

Erwin had expected that response. He had wanted to go out somewhere because it would be more of a date, but he also knew Levi would reject that option for the same reason. He smiled at Levi’s response, intent on not letting his disappointment show. “Pizza or Chinese?”

Very subtly, Levi slouched down on the couch a little, a small hint that he was getting used to the environment. “I’d prefer Chinese.”

“I was hoping you’d say that. Let me get a menu.”

Erwin got up and went into the kitchen where the take-out menus were stored. On his way, he quickly glanced over his shoulder. Levi was looking around the room as if studying everything in it. His posture was a little more relaxed, with one arm balancing on the arm of the couch and his right ankle balancing on his left knee. He didn’t look _too_ unhappy to be there, Erwin told himself.

He quickly returned with a menu to his favorite Chinese place. As he came back, he noticed Levi pushing the sleeves of his sweater up past his elbows.

“Are you hot?” Erwin asked.

Levi glanced up at him as he took the menu. “Huh? No, it’s fine.” But now Erwin noticed that his face looked a little flushed.

“I can turn the heat down,” Erwin said.

“No, don’t bother. It’s my fault for wearing a heavy sweater. I have a shirt on under it, I can just take it off if I need to.”

“Are you sure?”

Levi rolled his eyes at Erwin. “Stop fucking fretting. I’m sure.” Then he buried his face in the menu, so Erwin sat down beside him and waited patiently for him to finish.

Erwin always got the same thing from this place, so he didn’t bother to look at the menu. After Levi read off what he wanted, Erwin pulled out his phone and said, “I’ll treat.”

“Fuck that,” Levi protested, “you made dinner last time.”

“Actually we both ended up making dinner.”

“Okay, you _bought_ dinner.”

“And it was my pleasure. Besides, you’re my guest.”

Levi glared at him. “I knew you’d be one of those guys who wants to pay for everything.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m paying for this.”

Erwin put his phone down to look Levi in the eye and, with a calm and authoritative tone said, “No.”

Levi stared at him for a second before collapsing back onto the couch in frustration. “Oh my fucking god, Erwin. We’ll split it, okay? Call the damn restaurant.”

Erwin smiled to himself and decided he would concede to that. After a minute the order was placed, and Erwin turned back to Levi. “So,” he said, “I don’t know if you want to watch a movie, or just relax for the night . . .”

“A movie would be nice,” Levi said. He didn’t make eye contact with Erwin as he did.

Erwin grinned. He had been hoping Levi would say that. He had high hopes for cuddling. “Do you have a movie preference?” he asked.

Levi shrugged. “What do you have?”

Erwin crossed to his DVD shelf and motioned for Levi to follow him. Together, the browsed through the movie collection Erwin shared with Mike, turning down some and debating others. They ended up settling for a political thriller just as their dinner arrived.

Levi arranged the food on the coffee table while Erwin put in the DVD. When he settled back on the couch, he noticed that eating off the coffee table necessitated them sitting much closer than they had been previously. Levi didn’t seem concerned by this, and Erwin took that as a good sign.

“Ready to start it?” Erwin asked.

Levi picked up his carton of noodles and nodded. Erwin pressed play, letting the room be filled with the sounds of a chase sequence and the dramatic movie soundtrack.

A few minutes into the movie, Levi put his meal back down and started squirming beside Erwin. Erwin looked over just in time to see Levi’s sweater pass over his head, revealing a plain white t-shirt.

“I could always turn the heat down,” Erwin said.

“Calm down, it’s not like I hurt myself taking my shirt off.” Levi looked sideways at Erwin, but quickly turned his gaze away again. Instead, he leaned over to pick up his food and turned his attention back to the movie. Levi’s face was definitely pink from the heat. Erwin regretted that he hadn’t noticed how bad it was earlier.

Levi’s eyes became firmly fixed on the movie, but Erwin found himself unable to pay attention. The t-shirt was actually more of an undershirt, and it clung to Levi a lot more tightly than he had expected. It also revealed a little more than he had expected—the hollow of Levi’s throat, the lines of his collarbones . . .

He mentally berated himself but still couldn’t help stealing occasional glances. Fortunately, Levi didn’t seem to notice. He was looking everywhere but at Erwin. Erwin also noticed that the pink flush in Levi’s cheeks took an oddly long time to go away.

The movie played on as the two of them ate and watched in silence. The sounds provided background noise, but that’s all the movie seemed to be to Erwin. He wasn’t really keeping up with the plot. Instead, he focused on every slight movement of Levi’s, trying to read his comfort level and enjoyment. Erwin studied his posture, his facial expression, even the way he ate. When Erwin did manage to keep his eyes forward, he found himself unconsciously listening to Levi’s breathing.

Erwin finished eating a couple minutes before Levi. Once Levi carefully put his empty carton down on the coffee table (and closed the lid and slid the chopsticks back into their plastic wrapping), he settled back onto the couch and drew his legs up to his chest. He was definitely closer to Erwin in that position, but that was probably just a coincidence. Still, Levi clearly appeared more comfortable now. Erwin decided to test the waters.

Carefully, and making sure it appeared casual, he rested his arm across the back of the couch, right behind Levi’s head. If Levi noticed, he didn’t react.

Five minutes and one sequence of intense interrogations later, Erwin risked another move. He kept his upper arm firmly on top of the couch, but lowered his forearm just a little. Now, his fingers rested against Levi’s left shoulder.

In response, Levi leaned over so that his right shoulder touched Erwin’s chest. It was barely a touch, could have been done by accident, and indeed Levi’s expression remained blank. But Levi was always acutely aware of his personal space. Erwin knew it wasn’t an accident.

Erwin let out a sigh and dropped his arm so that it draped across Levi’s shoulders. Levi accepted the arm without protest. He briefly closed his eyes, focusing on the warmth and the weight of Levi’s body against him.   

Almost unconsciously, Erwin pulled Levi a little closer. To Erwin’s surprise, Levi responded by giving a satisfied hum and leaning into the embrace. He nestled his head against Erwin’s shoulder, squirming around until satisfied that Erwin made a decent pillow. Levi’s right hand dropped, seemingly unnoticed, to the top of Erwin’s thigh.  

Erwin stared down at that hand, overwhelmed by that casual intimacy. When he transferred his gaze back to Levi’s face, he saw that Levi’s eyes were fluttering closed.

At the sight, Erwin’s chest constricted and warmth spread throughout his stomach. Levi looked so peaceful, and content, and _gorgeous_. And it was him, Erwin, who Levi was allowing to see in such a vulnerable position. For some reason, Levi had decided to grant him this privilege.

The movie played on, but Erwin only noticed Levi’s breathing, the solidness of his body, the peacefulness of his expression. Eventually, Erwin heard the continuous music that indicated the end credits. Sure enough, he glanced up to see white words flashing against the black screen. As much as he didn’t want to, it was probably time to wake Levi up. Erwin leaned down and gently whispered, “Hey.”

Levi’s eyes opened and he tilted his head so that he could look up at Erwin. “What?”

“The movie’s over,” Erwin said, still speaking quietly even though there was no reason to. “Did you fall asleep?”

“No.” Levi sat up, and Erwin moved his arm away to give Levi more room. He watched Levi’s movements as he stretched and smoothed his hair back into place. “What time is it?” he mumbled, sleep still in his voice.

“I don’t know.”

Then they kissed.

It was the type of kiss that just happened, natural as breath, inevitable as gravity. One second their eyes locked, and the next their lips, and Erwin’s hands tangled themselves in Levi’s hair and Levi’s breath rushed into Erwin’s mouth. It was simple, and it was natural, and it was perfect.

Gently, Erwin pushed Levi back until his body stretched out underneath him on the couch. He paused for a minute, propping himself up with his hands on either side of Levi’s head, and looked at Levi. Levi looked back up, expectant and vulnerable and precious. And Erwin could do nothing but lean in for another kiss. He sank down onto his elbows, which in turn forced him to drop his stomach against Levi’s stomach, chest against Levi’s chest. Levi spread his legs apart to give Erwin more room, running his left leg up Erwin’s thigh. A soft hum sounded in the back of his throat, and Erwin could feel Levi’s lips twitch upwards a bit. Levi was _smiling_. The knowledge made him kiss deeper, dipping his tongue in between Levi’s lips. Levi just responded by running his hands up Erwin’s back, stretching himself out under Erwin and answering every movement of Erwin’s lips with his own.

Eventually, Erwin pulled away from Levi and gazed at him again. From this position, his nose was only an inch away from Levi’s, but it was just enough space to get a good look at him. “What are you doing?” Levi asked.

“I’m looking at you,” Erwin answered.

“I look the same as I always do,” Levi said.

“No, you don’t.” Erwin brushed his thumb over Levi’s forehead, smoothing away a mussed lock of hair. He brushed it again over Levi’s cheekbone and the hollow of his cheek. Levi’s skin was lovely, and he could touch it all day. “You don’t.” He stroked Levi with his thumb once again, this time gently down across Levi’s reddened, flushed lips. He really did look different like this. His mouth was slightly swollen from kissing, his hair a tangled mess, his eyes wide and dazed.

He was the most beautiful thing Erwin had ever seen.

Levi closed his eyes and turned his head, facing the back of Erwin’s couch. “What is it?” Erwin asked.

“I’m so pissed at you,” Levi muttered into the couch cushion.

“What? Why?”

“Because no one else . . .”

“No one else does what?” Erwin whispered in Levi’s ear.

“No one else does . . . this.”

Erwin smiled. For a second there, he had worried that Levi was actually pissed at him. However, it looked to be just the opposite. Levi had never been good with words, but Erwin knew that was a close to a statement of affection as Levi got.

“Does what?” Erwin asked, still whispering. “This?” He kissed Levi’s temple. “Or this?” He kissed Levi’s cheek, right at the edge of his lips. “Or maybe this?” He ran a trail of kisses down the length of Levi’s neck. At the touch, Levi breathed in sharply and squirmed under him. The reaction stirred something in Erwin’s gut and he kissed a little more fiercely.

“Fuck . . . stop,” Levi whispered.

“Okay.” Erwin sat up and scooted to the other end of the couch, leaving Levi to snap his eyes open and glare.

“What the fuck,” Levi said. It was more of an accusation than a question.

“You told me to stop,” Erwin said, feigning innocence.

“I forgot you liked to do this.”

“Do what?”

“Take things literally just to be an ass.” Levi also sat up and moved so that he was next to Erwin. “You know what I meant, so stop messing around and get back to it.”

Erwin couldn’t help but grin. He did do this often, but for some reason he hadn’t done it  much in the past four years. For some reason, he hadn’t had another partner who was as fun to mess with as Levi.

“Get back to what?” Erwin twined his arm around Levi’s thin waist so that his hand rested against Levi’s stomach. “This?” He placed a sweet, brief kiss on the back of Levi’s neck, just below the ear. “Was that what you meant?”

“Yes, you dumb fuck, that was what I meant.”

“Well, why didn’t you say so?” Erwin leaned forward and whispered into Levi’s ear, lips brushing against his earlobe. He felt Levi tense underneath him, just barely giving proof that he was affected by it. Holding onto Levi and feeling the press of his body, Erwin suddenly felt strangely protective. He didn’t want to ever let Levi go.

He placed another kiss under Levi’s ear, and yet another one on the top of Levi’s spine. The skin of Levi’s neck felt smooth and sweet under his touch, soft hairs brushing under his lips. With that kiss, Levi shuddered and sank into his grip. His posture relaxed just a little bit, back curving into Erwin’s chest. Erwin felt every slight movement of Levi’s body, and every hint of relaxation just made Levi feel sweeter. He put his other hand around Levi’s stomach and pulled him in. They were now sitting angled so that Levi was cradled up against Erwin’s chest. Erwin continued to pepper little kisses up and down the back of Levi’s neck, tracing a path under his ear and edges of his undercut.

At one point, Levi tensed up just a little bit, and a quiet “fuck” slipped through his lips.

Erwin stopped and straightened up. He looked down into Levi’s face to try to read what was wrong. Levi’s eyes were closed, but the lines of his face were tense.

“It’s nothing,” Levi whispered. But he had yet to open his eyes, and he turned away from Erwin.

Erwin, almost unconsciously started rubbing small circles on Levi’s stomach with his thumb. “What’s bothering you?” he asked.

“Nothing,” Levi said. “Don’t worry about it. Just get back to it.”

But it clearly wasn’t nothing, and Erwin didn’t feel comfortable letting the issue rest. He placed a sweet kiss on Levi’s temple, partly to obey Levi’s request but partially to give him some time to collect his thoughts. “Is there anything I can do?” Erwin asked.

Levi shook his head, his eyes still shut. “It’s nothing,” he said. “The same idiotic worries. Can’t get attached and all that. Don’t worry about it.”

But Erwin did worry. “I know this is hard,” Erwin said. “And I’d never want to make you uncomfortable. So if I ever do, please let me know.”

Levi didn’t respond, just shook his head almost imperceptibly.

“Everything’s ok. I’m just kissing you,” Erwin continued. “No big commitment, no significant act. We’ll take it as slowly as you want.”

Levi opened his eyes now and shook his head again. “You’re not just kissing me.” He leaned his head back so that it was on Erwin’s shoulder. Erwin looked down to try to meet Levi’s eyes, but they were closed again.

“The last guy I got with was some guy named Matt. Big blond. Kind of looked like you, actually.” Levi’s hands had been lying loosely by his sides. Now he raised them and rested them on top of Erwin’s. His slender fingers traced patterns across Erwin’s hands and knuckles in an apparently absent-minded movement. “Just a casual fuck, but he was good in bed. I saw him a few times.”

Erwin’s stomach tightened at these words. He tried to remind himself that he had no reason to be jealous, that this Matt meant nothing, but the tightness refused to go away.

“The first time he went home with me,” Levi continued, “He pushed me against the wall and we never ended up making it to the bedroom.” Levi sighed before continuing. “And there was a guy named Nick I saw a couple times . . . And there was a kid named Dennis, he was using me to get over his boyfriend. He never looked right at me, he was definitely seeing his other guy whenever we did anything. Which was fine . . .” Levi opened his eyes and glanced up at Erwin. “Something wrong?” he asked.

Erwin shook his head, but if anything his stomach felt even tighter. He couldn’t help but imagine these phantom men being with Levi, _sleeping_ with Levi, and the thought infuriated him. It wasn’t just the fact that other men had been with Levi. That was to be expected. It was the fact that these men hadn’t appreciated Levi, had treated him as nothing more than a body, and that enraged Erwin.

“Relax, there.” Levi pushed down on Erwin’s hands, and Erwin realized he had been unconsciously tightening his grip.

He relaxed his hands and muttered, “Sorry.”

Levi twisted his neck to get a better look at Erwin’s expression. “Did that bother you?”

“I . . . no, it didn’t.”

Levi narrowed his eyes as he examined Erwin’s face, but he decided to let it go. “Anyway,” he said, leaning back onto Erwin’s shoulder. “My point is that pretty much everything I’ve done has been purely physical. So . . . this is different. So this is going to be weird, no matter what.” After a brief pause, Levi added, “I’ve been with more guys than I can keep track of, but I’ve never dated anyone.”

Levi looked off in the distance, his head angled slightly down as he continued to run his fingers over Erwin’s hands. If he had any idea what impact that statement had on Erwin, he didn’t show it. But Erwin felt his gut aching with affection. He wanted to give this man everything, every dating experience he could. Erwin looked down at Levi and felt overwhelmed with the need to pull Levi closer and never let him go.

Suddenly, Levi pulled out of Erwin’s hold and shifted his body around to face Erwin. He drew his legs under him so get a little closer to Erwin’s eye level. Erwin’s hands had been broken out of their grasp, and he settled for resting them loosely against Levi’s thighs.

“Is this some sort of fucking charity case?” Levi asked.

“What?”

“Oh, Levi the former foster kid. Levi who’s lonely and filling the void with sex and shit. He just needs a big strong man to make everything better. Is that why you’re so interested in me? You want to be my fucking savior?”

Erwin gaped at Levi, thrown off by this sudden change. While Levi stared at him intently, harsh gray eyes scanning across his face for any betrayal of a response, Erwin’s mind struggled to understand where this question had come from. “What . . . what’s making you ask this?”

“I’ve been trying to figure out why you’re so damn interested, and that just occurred to me. After all, what I’ve just said probably makes me sound pretty pitiful.”

“Levi . . .” Levi’s expression remained utterly serious. He truly believed that he had figured out the truth. Erwin felt as though his mind was working past a wall as he tried to understand why Levi thought this. “It’s true that I want you to feel better, to be happier, and to feel loved. But . . . that’s not why I like you. I like _you_. Who you are. Wanting to help you is an offshoot of that. It’s not the other way around.”

Levi didn’t respond for what seemed like an agonizingly long time. Instead, he continued to stare at Erwin with an impassable, unreadable expression on his face. Eventually, he sighed and said, “Well don’t try to save me. I don’t want you helping me. My shit’s too deep for that.”

Erwin didn’t know how to respond, so he just said, “Okay.” After all, he had promised to do whatever made Levi comfortable.

Levi settled back into the couch. Erwin tentatively laid his arm across Levi’s shoulders again, and Levi allowed him to keep it there.

“There was a guy named Ben,” Levi said, “Who I, in a moment of stupidity, told that I was a former foster kid. This guy tried to start psychoanalyzing me. Asked me all sorts of questions about what I was really seeking from him. I had to kick him out. He was annoying as fuck.” Levi tilted his head to look up at Erwin. “Don’t be Ben.”

“I have no intention of being Ben,” Erwin assured him, smiling.

“Good.” Erwin tilted his head down, and Levi granted him a kiss.

Thankfully, that outburst seemed to take care of Levi’s hesitation, at least for that night. The rest of the evening passed lazily and calmly. Erwin didn’t let Levi leave his arms for a second. He smothered his with kisses, marked him with his lips everywhere he could reach. Levi merely responded by leaning into the touch, his expression stoic but soft noises and small movements of his body betraying his enjoyment. And Erwin drew out as many of those tiny signs as he could, losing himself to Levi’s scent and Levi’s weight and the comforting feel of Levi’s small body in his arms.

The atmosphere became a little awkward again when Levi finally mentioned that he needed to go home. The two of them stood up, and Erwin watched while Levi put his coat on. Levi’s hair had become mussed from lying on the couch so long.

“When will I see you again?” Erwin asked. The words floated in the silence for a bit, sounding much more desperate than he had intended.

“I don’t know,” Levi said. “I’ll text you.”

“Okay.”

Levi had zipped himself into his coat, and now they looked up at each other. It came more naturally than the other night—Erwin leaned down and Levi stretched up and Erwin placed one final kiss on Levi’s lips, something to tide him over until the next time.

“Goodnight,” Erwin said.

“Goodnight.”

As he stepped out Erwin’s door, Levi actually smiled at him.

*****

Levi’s mind remained on Erwin’s couch long after he left it.

Erwin’s lips on his, warm and gentle and firm and passionate.

Erwin’s arms around him, safe and strong, a protection against the world.

Erwin’s hands, exploratory, gentle but possessive, moving up and down his body.

Fuck, he had it bad.

Levi climbed the stairs to his apartment and closed the door. The place was still silent, still spotlessly clean, still looked pretty un-lived in. For a brief moment, before Levi could reign himself in, he wondered what it would look like if there was another person living there.

He tried to go through the motions of preparing for bed as normal. Tried to remind himself that one nice night meant nothing. But when he caught sight of himself in the bathroom mirror, he was smiling more than he ever did.

Levi still had that dumb smile on his face when he climbed into bed and turned out the light. He closed his eyes, and Erwin’s face floated in his vision. Unbidden, Levi’s mind started to play over every detail of the night.

A harsh noise jolted Levi out of his half-asleep remembrances. He opened his eyes and scowled, finding the culprit to be his vibrating phone.

With a sigh, Levi picked it up and looked at the screen. “Farlan Church.” Why did he have to call so late? Idiot must have forgotten the time difference between their respective ends of the country.

Levi slid to answer and held the phone to his ear. “Hey,” he said, lying back in bed. “Are you aware how fucking late it is over here?.”

“Levi.” Farlan’s voice sounded broken, as if it was a struggle to get the noise out of his mouth. Levi sat up, suddenly wide awake. “What is it?” he asked.

“Levi,” Farlan said again. “Isabel’s in the hospital.”


	8. Loss and Phone Calls

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember the fluff of the past two chapters? That was to lull you into a false sense of security. This is very much not fluff.
> 
> (tw for obsessive-compulsive thoughts, character death and panic attacks)

At the age of fourteen, Levi moved to his sixth foster home. He had rotated through the previous five pretty quickly. Being exceptionally sullen, disagreeable, and unpleasant, Levi didn’t tend to stay long at these foster homes. Somehow, things just always ended up “not working out.”

This one would be no different in that regard. Yet despite the short time Levi spent there, this home ended up being more significant than any of his others. It was in this home that Levi made his first long-term friends.

Farlan had anger issues and tended to keep to himself. If left to their own devices, he and Levi probably would have never gotten along. Isabel, however, was something else. She seemed untouched by the foster care system and whatever tragedy had landed her in it (which she never talked about).  She still played and laughed like any other nine-year-old kid, still asked a million questions and jumped on Levi’s back for a piggy back ride and learned the dance routines of her favorite boy band as every little kid is supposed to. Somehow, innocence had remained intact. For that reason, both Farlan and Levi were drawn to her. She reminded them what innocence looked like, and she reminded them what love felt like.

Isabel adopted them both as big brothers, going so far as to start calling them “big bro.” Farlan had vehemently protested the nickname, but Levi couldn’t be bothered to (and maybe actually like the nickname, anyway) and so for him, it stuck.

One year later, Levi was taken out of that home and, shortly after, adopted by Kenny Ackerman. Farlan moved on around the same time. He stayed in the system until he was old enough to be emancipated. Isabel stayed where she was and, not long after, was adopted into that family. That was the way it usually went—people who were your brothers and sisters one year went their separate ways and barely knew you the next. But this time was different. This time, the three of them stayed in touch. Levi worked to get his driver’s license as early as possible, and whenever he could he used that license to take the hour-long drive to where Farlan was staying, or drive even longer to Isabel’s house or, sometimes, pick up the two of them and spend the day together.

Levi hated getting close to people, but, he rationalized to himself, just two people couldn’t hurt. And besides, he hadn’t had much of a choice. Not with Isabel around.

If Isabel hadn’t been around, well . . . he probably would have ended  up even worse than he did. And if Isabel ever stopped being around . . . well, that wasn’t even a thought he’d entertain.

The first flight Levi could get to Isabel’s hometown left on Sunday morning, two days after Farlan called him. Afterwards, Levi wouldn’t be able to remember much of the time between Farlan’s phone call and his arrival. It would have made sense for him to feel upset, or anxious, or concerned, but he couldn’t remember feeling any of those things. He just remembered emptiness. Like someone had scooped out all his emotions and left him nothing.

Somehow, he ended up at a hotel he had booked near the hospital Isabel was in. The room had the same forced cheer of all cheap hotels, complete with the scratchy comforter and generic scenery paintings and a dim light that made everything seem artificial. The surroundings barely registered for Levi.

The first thing he did upon arriving was take out his phone to contact Farlan. He needed to get over to that hospital as soon as possible.

The screen of his phone snapped him, for just a moment, out of his numbness. White letters informed him that he had one new message from Erwin Smith. He dimly remembered that he was supposed to have texted Erwin.

Levi unlocked his phone and read the message. “Hey. Hope you’re doing well. What are you doing tomorrow night?” The words were as mundane and unassuming as possible, and yet they managed to carry with them a stream of vague memories—Erwin cooking for him, Erwin kissing him, Erwin holding him. And, for the first time in days, Levi felt a pang. He felt tempted to call Erwin up and tell him everything, tell him all about Isabel and how important she was and how he had been left empty. And that pang led to another, and another, and the emotions Levi had been keeping at bay threatened to bear down on him.

Levi took one breath—deep and shaky and anxious—and he was in control of himself again. He left the message unanswered.

After a quick call to Farlan, and about ten minutes of waiting, he found himself in Farlan’s car on the way to the hospital. Farlan said, “Thank you,”—for coming, or for being with him, or for something else Levi wasn’t really sure—and then the two of them drove to the hospital in silence. Speaking was too difficult.

Isabel had been hit by a car. A random, freak accident. A car popped a tire and skidded into where Isabel had been standing on the sidewalk, waiting to cross the street. She had sustained severe internal bleeding and a punctured lung. The doctor had described her situation as “critical.”

She was unconscious when Levi and Farlan entered the hospital room. Only the machines beeping out time behind her gave evidence that she still lived. Besides that, the room felt dead. The hospital décor seemed pale and washed-out, all blues and whites and the sickly tans of fake wood. Even the painting of flowers over her head looked tired.

The two of them forced themselves to walk into that lifeless room, one foot in front of the other. Dimly, Levi noticed that Farlan’s hand was on his shoulder. A bit of comfort for him, a bit of support for Farlan. Attached like that, they arrived at the side of Isabel’s bed.

Levi began to feel sick. Isabel’s skin was pale, her normally lively expression blank. Her red hair was splayed out behind her, looking like a bloodstain crowning her head.

He forced himself to look at that image and said, “Hey, little sis.”

From behind him, Farlan spoke as well. “Hey, look who’s here Isabel. I picked up this jerk just for you.”

Levi forced a smile, as though Isabel could see him. “It’s good to see you,” he said. “I’m sorry I haven’t been around much. But you don’t even need me, huh? You’re off at college, making friends with everyone you meet.”

“You’ll have to tell us about it all when you wake up,” Farlan whispered.

The door opened, and Isabel’s adoptive parents, Levi’s former foster parents, entered. They shook hands with Levi and Farlan, and the four of them arranged chairs around the bed, her parents on one side and Levi and Farlan on the other. The chairs were the kind with surprisingly hard padding, rigid backs that made Levi’s back straight and his bottom numb. They kept a vigil over Isabel for the rest of the day, but she didn’t wake up. Her mother cried, and her father spoke up every now and then to say “Do you remember . . .” Meanwhile, Levi and Farlan sat next to each other, chairs close enough that they were nearly touching, trying to derive some form of comfort from each other as they sat in silence.

They left around dinner time. Farlan drove Levi back to his hotel and asked to stay with him for a little bit. They turned on the TV, sat next to each other on the bed, and in the privacy of Levi’s company, Farlan sobbed. He buried his face in his hands while the pain and grief and fear shook his body. Levi remained silent, watched him as he cried and kept a hand on his shoulder to remind him he wasn’t alone. A couple hours later, Farlan left.

Levi hadn’t been able to feel anything yet.

Once Farlan had gone, Levi let himself stretch out across the lumpy comforter. He stared at the ceiling, trying to make a pattern out of the swirls of stucco. None emerged, so he stood up and got ready for bed.

Ten minutes later Levi climbed under the covers. It was still early, but there was nothing else to do that day. No point being awake longer than necessary.

He picked up his phone to set an alarm and found one more unread message from Erwin. It was just as simple, just as mundane as before. “If you’re around tomorrow or the day after, I’d be happy to make you dinner again.”

Oh. He should probably tell Erwin where he was. Levi hit reply and punched out a quick message. “Not in town. Sister in hospital. Staying with her for now.”

The phone buzzed again just a couple minutes later. “I’m so sorry to hear that. I hope she gets better. Let me know if you need anything.”

Levi read over that message a couple times. He closed his eyes and imagined Erwin saying it to him. He turned onto his side and curled into himself pictured Erwin being right there, next to him, saying something comforting. For the first time all weekend, a couple tears trailed out from under his eyelids.

*****

They arrived at the hospital the next day after a short, tasteless continental breakfast in the hotel lobby. Levi and Farlan trekked up to Isabel’s now-familiar hospital room. Her parents hadn’t arrived yet, so they were alone with the whirring of the machines and Isabel’s withered-looking body. Farlan greeted her good morning as they took up their seats again.

Five minutes in to their vigil, Levi turned to Farlan and said, “Hey, I’d like some time alone with her.” Farlan nodded, left mumbling something about getting a coffee. Then Levi moved his chair closer to the bed and, hesitantly, took Isabel’s hand in his. It was limp and slightly clammy.

“Hey, Isabel,” he said. “It’s me. Big bro.” The words started sticking in his throat, and he was dangerously close to the feelings and fears that had been waiting for him since he arrived. But he needed to talk to Isabel, so he’d risk it.

“Look, you gotta hang on, ok?” he said. “I need you around. I mean, look at me. I’ve become a bitter old man since I left.” He imagined Isabel laughing at that.

“It’s true,” Levi went on. “I’m old and angry and boring. Damn, I’m boring. You should see the shit job I’ve got. So when you wake up, you’ve got to teach me to be interesting again, ok? Teach me how to laugh again like you did when we were kids.”

Nothing changed. The monitors still beeped, Isabel still slept, the hospital still felt sterile and bare and lifeless. Levi kept going. “I’ve started seeing someone, did I tell you that?” he asked. This was the kind of stuff Isabel loved. If she was awake, she would have perked right up. She would have asked a million questions about how tall he was and what color his eyes were and whether or not he was a dog person. “He’s a tall blond dumbass. He’s kinda like you . . . I mean, he’s not actually anything like you. But he reminds me how to be a normal person. So, in that way, he’s kinda like you. I’ll introduce you two when you wake up.”

Levi squeezed her hand. “Alright, I’m gonna get Farlan back. But, uh . . . what I’m trying to say is, don’t go, okay? Farlan would be a wreck, and I’d be . . . even more of a wreck than I already am. You’re important, okay? Don’t you dare go.” Levi stood up, leaned down and briefly whispered in her ear, “I love you.”  

He went down to the cafeteria to get Farlan. When the two of them came back, Isabel had gone.

*****

Erwin locked his phone and set it down on his kitchen table. Looked down at the black screen. Unlocked it again, read over the series of texts he had sent Levi and the brief conversation from the night before.

He had sent one more that morning, asking Levi how things were going. Levi hadn’t responded. That had been nine hours ago.

He knew Levi needed space. Knew that he was worried about his sister (Erwin hadn’t even known he _had_ a sister) and maybe even was surrounded by his family. Erwin knew that Levi didn’t owe him any time.

But still. He worried. He worried far more than was necessary for someone he wasn’t technically in a relationship with. Erwin was usually able to keep a clear head, but all that seemed to go away where Levi was concerned.

Erwin decided it was worth a try. He gave Levi a phone call.

The phone ringed five times before going to Levi’s voicemail. Sighing, Erwin hung up.

*****

Levi cracked his eyes open, and for a moment everything felt hazy. His face was sticky, and his eyelids glued together. Levi couldn’t recognize the room, couldn’t understand what the lumpy texture underneath him was and couldn’t remember falling asleep. He pushed himself into a sitting position and, in doing so, felt a damp spot on the comforter where his face had been. It had come from crying, and then every part of the previous day rushed back to him.

Levi hung his legs over the side of his bed and stared emptily at the opposite wall. He felt cried out, as if all the tears had drained out of him the night before, but he didn’t know what else to do. So he stared dumbly ahead, feeling unable to think properly, his whole body weak and numb. Levi let his gaze travel downwards, looked blankly at his rumpled clothes from the day before. He must have fallen asleep in them.

That realization jolted him out of his drowsiness. At the sight of his clothes, a voice in Levi’s head whispered, _Dirty_ and, suddenly, Levi began to panic.

Because he was so dirty. So, so damn disgusting. And he needed to get clean immediately. How could he have slept in the clothes he had worn during the day? And he hadn’t even showered or brushed his teeth. And the comforter he had slept on top of was probably dirty too, how could he know how well the hotel cleaned the sheets?

Levi jumped off his bed and stripped out of his old clothes. He threw them into the corner, rushing into the bathroom. As he squeezed toothpaste onto his toothbrush, his hands shook. Levi brushed hard until his gums were swollen, but the sense of panic didn’t go away. His _body_ was dirty, the whole thing, sitting in dirt from the day before, and the voice in his head had started up a mantra, _dirty, dirty, dirty . . ._

He turned on the shower and got in before it was warm enough. Levi scrubbed his skin until it stung and let the water grow warmer and warmer until it nearly burned him. He scoured every inch, shampooed his hair four times, went to scrub again because he was so _dirty,_ he had dirt caked on from _the day before_ , from that disgusting hospital and this gross hotel room and the streets between, god, _so much dirt_. The dirt was everywhere, he could _see_ it on him, and he needed to get it off, off, _off,_ and—

Levi dropped the washcloth. He stared at it, watched the water swirl around the fabric—the fabric that was clean, that had always been clean, because he wasn’t dirty, after all—and sank down. He sat on the hard tile of the shower floor and buried his head in his hands because as hard as he scrubbed, no amount of cleaning could distract him from his grief.

*****

The day passed in a haze of funeral arrangements with Isabel’s parents. As far as anyone could tell, Levi was utterly unaffected. He didn’t shed a tear. No crack showed in his hard expression and business-like manner. No one knew he felt like he was drowning.

He ate dinner with Farlan. Levi didn’t feel like eating, but Farlan needed to eat something, and so he forced something down as well. They didn’t say much during dinner. Neither of them wanted to.

Finally, the day ended and Levi returned to the emptiness of his hotel room. Here, with no one around and nothing to distract him, Levi’s walls started crumbling down. He needed to find something to clean, quick, but those damn maids had cleaned everything in the room. But he needed to . . . if he wasn’t cleaning . . . if he wasn’t cleaning there was nothing to take his mind away from sadness and the emptiness and the _fear_.

Fear that this was nothing more than a continuation of a pattern. And the pattern included every foster parent, every fleeting friendship or suggestion of family, everything that had started when his own birth mother, barely remembered, relinquished Levi to the system.

And the pattern told him, clearly and obviously, that everyone left.

Something swelled up in Levi’s chest. It suddenly felt tight, as though his heart was working harder to beat and he couldn’t get enough air in. No, no this wasn’t happening. Levi collapsed onto the bed and struggled to breath. This wasn’t happening. He hadn’t had a panic attack for years. He couldn’t, couldn’t do it, but it was swallowing him from the inside out, and against his will Levi found himself doubled over and panting.

Levi gripped the comforter in his fists and tried to hang on. His stomach started churning, the room started spinning.  And he couldn’t fight this fight, couldn’t, didn’t want to, his whole body was shaking, he was going to throw up, and _god_. God. This was it. He wasn’t going to get through this. He was going to die, just like this, right here.

Somehow Levi wound up curled on top of the bed. He didn’t remember moving. Everything felt distant, detached, as though none of it was real. As though the only real thing was the tightness and pain in his chest and his stomach and the overwhelming knowledge that it wasn’t going to end.

And a voice in his head repeated over and over what he always had known in the back of his mind. _Alone. You’re alone. You’re alone._

 _Alone now_. _Alone in the future. Alone when you die._

And what if he died now, what if he collapsed here, and would he even mind . . . _Alone, alone, alone_.

His phone vibrated.

The phone was in his pants pocket. Levi fished it out, threw it on the bed next to him with trembling fingers. He didn’t mean to answer it, didn’t _want_ to answer it, but he did. Levi had to try multiple times to answer the phone, his hands shook so much. But he answered it, and then left it on the mattress next to his head while he waited anxiously for Erwin to speak. “Hello?” Erwin’s voice crackled over the receiver. Oh god, what was Erwin going to think after this . . . _Alone, alone, die alone . . ._

“Hello? Levi, are you there?” Levi tried to speak but only managed to achieve a few loud, wheezing breaths.  

“Levi, is that you?” Erwin asked. “Is something wrong?”

He should hang up. He needed to hang up, needed to hang up, before Erwin hung up himself. Levi hit the end call button.

 _Alone, alone, alone_ . . . Levi curled up on himself and pressed his face into the mattress, resigned himself to wait for everything to end.

The phone vibrated again.

Levi opened his eyes and watched it shake on the mattress. His stomach still pained him and his body still shook, but for a moment all his attention was on that phone. It buzzed once, twice, three times, four times, it was going to go to voicemail and that was probably for the best . . .

Levi answered it.

He swiped it correctly on the first try and held it in front of his face, listened to Erwin’s anxious voice.

“Levi, are you okay? What’s happening? Are you safe?”

Erwin was worried. Shit, Erwin was upset and it was all his fault. No wonder people left him. He needed to say something, get Erwin to stop worrying and go about his business. “P . . .” He fought to get the word out. “P . . . Panic,” he wheezed.

“What was that? Did you say panic? Are you ok?”

Levi could only pant in response. He shut his eyes and waited for Erwin to hang up.

“Levi, are . . . Levi, it’s ok. Whatever’s going on, it’s ok,” Erwin’s voice had changed. It lost the anxious edge, was almost soothing now. “This is going to pass. Just listen to my voice, okay? Listen to my voice. This will pass.”

Levi wanted to say something in response, to tell Erwin that it wasn’t going to pass, that it wasn’t worth it to worry about him, that Erwin should just go spend his time doing something better. But nothing came out, no words could come out no matter how hard he tried and he felt so fucking helpless.

Finally, after ages of trying to speak Levi spat out, “Talk.”

“Okay,” Erwin said. “Okay. I . . . Levi, you’re ok. You’re going to get through this. You’re ok. I . . . I care about you. Don’t forget that. I care about you. Whatever’s happening will pass. You’re going to be okay.”       

Levi just closed his eyes and clung to the words, not even fully registering what they were saying. He focused on that voice and used it as an anchor.

“Things will get better. This panic’s going to go away. Just listen to me. I’m here, and I care for you. I’m here. I’m here.”

_I’m here, I’m here . . ._

“And I’m thinking of you, and I will see you soon. You’re going to come home soon and things will be okay. I . . . I taught myself a new recipe this weekend so I can cook it for you, and when all this passes you’ll have that to look forward to. This will pass. Just hang on. Hang on and listen to my voice. You’re going to be okay.”

For the first time in what felt like a century, Levi took a real breath.

“This will all be okay. You’re safe. I’m here. It’s going to be alright. Okay? How are you doing?”

Levi breathed again, and again. Quiet, easy breaths that filled him up. The world seemed to come back into focus. He wasn’t going to die, after all.

Levi pressed the phone against his ear and said the only thing he could think to say. “Did you really learn a new recipe for me?” he asked. He tried to put his usual biting tone into the question, but it came out weak. He still trembled a little, and his stomach still churned. But he could breathe now, and the mantra of _alone_ had stopped, and those were the important things.

“I did,” Erwin said. “It’s a chicken recipe.”  

“You’re such a fucking old man.”

Erwin chuckled a little, and Levi managed a smile. “You’ll be grateful you know such an old man when you taste it,” Erwin said.

“Isabel’s gone,” Levi blurted out. He felt he needed to provide some sort of explanation for what Erwin had to witness. Remembering that Erwin didn’t know who Isabel was, Levi corrected, “My sister’s gone.” He didn’t say dead. He wasn’t ready to say dead.

“Oh, Levi, I’m so sorry.” The words were laden with compassion, and Levi didn’t know what to do with that.

“Sorry you heard me like that,” Levi said. Only Farlan and Hanji had ever seen him having a panic attack before. Erwin was probably the last person he wanted to know about his issues. “That doesn’t happen often.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Erwin said. “It’s okay.”

“I swear it’s not going to happen again, you won’t see that again . . . I have it under control most of the time. . .”

“Levi.” Erwin’s voice was firm and final. “It’s okay.”

Levi closed his eyes. He concentrated on the feeling of the bed beneath him and the phone in his hand and the faint static of Erwin on the other line, and that was just enough to keep the panic at bay. “Thanks,” he said softly.

“Of course,” Erwin replied.

“I . . . think I’m going to try to go to sleep,” Levi said.

“That sounds like a good idea. Sleep well, Levi. I’ll see you when you come home. I . . . I care for you.”

“Yeah,” Levi breathed out. “I . . . care for you, too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I talked about a lot of very sensitive issues in this chapter, issues that I have no personal experience with. I tried to handle these issues delicately, but I know it's very likely that I've gotten something wrong. If I've represented a certain experience poorly or offensively, please let me know and I'll do my best to fix it.


	9. Naps and Vulnerabilities

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been wayyyyy too long I'm sorry. This chapter was a little tricky for me. We're getting into the middle of the story, and I always struggle with middles. 
> 
> As always, thank you to everyone who leaves lovely comments. I don't reply to every one because I don't want to run the risk of missing someone, but I promise I read them and then roll around on the floor in delight for at least ten minutes. Longer when I get an especially long comment. You guys are lovely. 
> 
> (tw obsessive-compulsive behavior in this chapter)

Levi hung up. Erwin lowered the phone and stared at it. _Levi Ackerman. Call ended. Call duration 15:37._

Erwin had called in an attempt to get an answer and alleviate his worry. The answer hadn’t alleviated his worry after all, but at least now he knew what to worry about.

Erwin’s hand closed around his phone as if doing that would bring him closer to Levi. He wanted to be near Levi so much that his gut ached. It wasn’t right for Levi to have to suffer alone.

A knock sounded on his bedroom door. Erwin looked up, startled out of his thoughts, and told Mike to come in.

“What is it?” Erwin asked.

Mike sat down on the bed next to him. “Who were you talking with? It sounded pretty serious.”

“Oh . . .” Erwin considered how he could spin this to not upset Mike.

But Mike, as usual, was more perceptive than Erwin had prepared for. “When did you get back together with Levi?’

Erwin sighed in resignation. “About a week ago.”

“Why?”

“Because . . . well, it’s a little complicated.”

Mike leaned back, supported himself with his hands behind him, and crossed his legs, making a visible show of settling into his spot. “I’m not going anywhere,” he said.

Erwin didn’t want to talk to Mike about Levi, but there was no delicate way to avoid this conversation. And he did trust Mike. So he forced himself to tell Mike the entire story, starting from when he ran into Levi and spilled his drink all over him, and ending with their most recent kind-of-dates.

When he had finished, Mike sat up without saying anything, deep in thought. He gazed at a fixed point on the wall, and Erwin knew he was processing everything. Erwin watched him patiently, trying to get a read on his expression through the blond hair falling into his eyes.

“Why Levi?” Mike asked finally. “What do you like about him?”

“I . . .” Erwin sighed. “I don’t know. Why does anyone fall for anyone? It doesn’t often make sense. I like Levi because . . . because there’s so much more to him than I think most people see. And more than even he sees. He’s incredibly strong, emotionally, and sharp, quick-thinking. He’s had a rough life and had to grow a thick skin, and yet . . . there’s a goodness to him that hasn’t been destroyed by anything. Despite everything that’s happened to him. And I think he keeps it hidden, but he’s surprisingly sweet when you uncover all the layers. And . . . I just want to be the man who peels back those layers.”

Erwin carefully watched Mike for his reaction. He half expected Mike to try to talk him out of it, to tell him that those reasons were shallow and Levi would only hurt him again, but Mike just looked even more thoughtful. “On the phone,” Mike said. “You were going to say ‘I love you’, but you changed it to ‘I care for you.’ Why was that?”

“Because . . . I can’t say that I love him. It’s so early on,” Erwin said. “Our conversation was so emotional, it felt right for a second. But of course it wasn’t. We haven’t been together for nearly long enough to even begin thinking in that way.”

“So you don’t really love him?”

Erwin hesitated before saying, “I don’t know. In a way, no. It’s much too early, and any such claim would be extremely hasty. But in a way . . . I think I began falling in love with him four years ago.”

Mike just shook his head, but when he looked up Erwin saw that he was smiling. “Well, I know how impossible it is to stop you when you have your mind set on something.”

Erwin smiled in return. “Is this you giving your blessing?”

“I don’t know if I could ever give my blessing to the guy who broke your heart, but . . . more or less. It’s me promising that I won’t bother you about your dating choice.”

“Thank you, Mike,” Erwin said. “That means a lot.”

“Just be careful,” Mike said. “If it turns out he won’t let even you peel back his layers, I’m afraid you’ll be in for a big disappointment.”

“I’ll try,” Erwin said. And that was the most he could promise.

*****

Over the course of the next few days, Erwin kept his phone by his side at all times. It was his only connection to Levi.

He called Levi every night he was away. The conversations were usually short. Levi didn’t want to talk about what he was feeling, so Erwin didn’t make him. He asked about mundane things instead—the hotel, the food, the significantly warmer weather where Levi was—and he talked about his work, his clients, what he was learning to cook. He just needed to hear Levi’s voice, and he had to at least hope that Levi got something out of those conversations, too.

Levi was scheduled to fly home Friday, the day after Isabel’s funeral. It was a week after he had come over to Erwin’s, a week after they had made out on the couch. Erwin had asked Levi to tell him when he landed. He wanted to be sure Levi had made it home safe.

The text he received came a few hours after he had expected one. By that point, he felt incredibly anxious and had been checking his phone every few minutes, so he was watching his phone when the text arrived.

It simply said, “Are you home right now?”

Erwin sent his response a moment after. “Yes, I am. Why?”

The next message said, “Is Mike home?”

“No,” Erwin typed. “He’s meeting with friends for dinner. Why?”

Levi never told him why. He merely showed him by arriving at his door ten minutes later. Without question, Erwin let him in.

Levi didn’t fully look at him when he entered. Instead, he sat down on Erwin’s couch and said in a monotone, “Put on a movie. Make sure it’s boring.”

Erwin obliged. He put in the dullest movie he could find in the apartment and then sat down next to Levi. Levi stared ahead with an empty expression, and Erwin knew the emptiness was intentional. Levi didn’t want to show anything, so Erwin didn’t make him. He simply pressed play and settled back on the couch.

As soon as the movie started, Levi leaned into Erwin’s side. The sudden touch startled Erwin just a little, but he was able to suppress it. Instead, he shifted his weight so Levi could nestle on him more comfortably. When he glanced down, he saw that Levi’s expression hadn’t changed. It was still stiff, still blank. His arms were even still crossed. The only thing that changed, the only hint of vulnerability, was the direction in which he was leaning.

Erwin’s heart twisted in sympathy, but he tried not to show anything. He knew Levi wouldn’t appreciate that. Levi was seeking the greatest amount of help he could handle, and Erwin would give him exactly what he asked for. He wrapped his arm around Levi’s shoulders, holding him close in the protective circle of his embrace.

The movie droned on, and neither Levi nor Erwin took in any of it. Instead, Erwin focused all his attention on the weight of Levi’s body, the steadiness of Levi’s breath. Erwin felt it when Levi relaxed the tiniest amounts. His posture became less rigid, his arms dropped just a little so that they draped over his stomach. Erwin didn’t move, only looked down regularly to make sure Levi was doing okay. That was how he noticed Levi’s expression change from hardened to sad. To weary. To empty in a very, very different way than before. And that was also how Erwin saw when, finally, Levi’s eyes dropped closed.

He knew Levi had fallen asleep when his breathing grew slow and his expression became peaceful. Erwin whispered Levi’s name once, just to be sure, before turning off the movie. He briefly considered what to do, pressing a kiss into Levi’s hair. Then, as slowly and gently as possible, Erwin slipped a hand under Levi’s knees. He stood up carefully, attentive to just how much he jostled Levi, before carrying him off to somewhere more comfortable.

*****

Levi returned to consciousness slowly, drifting in and out. He didn’t feel much need to move. The hollow, aching feeling sat in the pit of his stomach, as it had for the past several days. But where he was felt warm and comfortable, and he had the vague sense that someone was with him.

Eventually, Levi opened his eyes and started to register his surroundings. He wasn’t in his own room, so he must still be in the hotel. Levi rolled over, expecting to see the dull-colored walls of his hotel room.

But the walls he saw were completely unfamiliar.

Levi started into a sitting position and looked around him. He was in a bed, a full-sized bed with dark blue bedding. There was a bedside table next to him, a bookcase against the nearby wall and a bureau across from him, all of the same dark wood. Levi stared at the bedside table. A digital clock, a book, a pair of reading glasses, a stuffed folder with the name of a law firm emblazoned on it . . .

The clues fit together as Levi began to remember what had happened before he had fallen asleep. He had come to Erwin’s apartment, so he must still be there . . . he must have fallen asleep . . . He must be in Erwin’s bedroom.

That would mean he was in Erwin’s _bed_.

Erwin must have carried him there when he fell asleep. Levi sank back down into the bed, and his mind was thankfully distracted from his grief by a hundred questions about his situation. For example, how had Erwin carried him? Oh god, Erwin had _carried_ him?

Levi wanted to feel indignant at the thought, but he very much didn’t.

Levi turned his head back into Erwin’s pillow. It smelled like Erwin. He remembered feeling as though someone was with him, and he realized now that the feeling was probably caused by being surrounded by Erwin’s smell. Levi closed his eyes and breathed deep.

The door opened.

Levi kept his eyes closed and turned that deep breath into a long exhale. Erwin was not going to know what he was just doing.

He could hear Erwin’s footsteps approaching him, and he could sense Erwin’s presence leaning over him. He continued to work to make his breathing deep and even.

“Levi.” Erwin whispered his name carefully.

Levi rubbed his eyes and looked up. “What is it?” He hoped he still sounded like he had just woken up.

Erwin only smiled at him. “How are you feeling?” he asked.

Levi grimaced. “Don’t worry about that.” He sat up. “What am I doing in your bed?”

“I wanted to move you somewhere a little more comfortable. I thought the couch may not be the best place, especially since Mike was due to come home.”

“So Mike’s here now?”

“Yes.”

Great. The last thing Levi needed was that guy glaring at him. “Why didn’t you wake me up?”

“I wanted to let you sleep in peace.”

Levi shook his head. “You should have woken me up.”

“I’m sorry.” The words were genuinely apologetic, and Levi immediately wanted to take his back. The truth was, a nap in Erwin’s bed was exactly what he had needed. A part of him wanted to lie back down and go back to sleep.

“No, I . . . appreciate it,” Levi said awkwardly. “It was, uh, really nice of you. You’re too nice.”

Erwin smiled, a smile that was more in his eyes than his mouth. More tender than happy. He sat down on the edge of the bed, and Levi swung his legs over the side so that they were next to each other. “No one else has ever accused me of that before,” he said.

“Well, they’re wrong.”

“I think you’re just the only person I’m too nice to.”

Levi swallowed and looked away. His body tensed, ready for a touch or perhaps another word. None came, though, and when Levi looked back at Erwin he realized that he hadn’t been flirting. He had just been making an observation, stating a fact. None of what he had done that day had been intentionally romantic. It had merely been what Erwin thought was the best course of action at the time. And that made it even worse. It made it harder to understand.

Levi stood up. “Well,” he said, “I should probably get out of your room.”

“Are you feeling ok?” Erwin asked.

Levi shook his head. “I’m sorry,” he said. “Sorry you saw me like this today, sorry you heard me have a panic attack over the phone. You shouldn’t have to deal with that.”

Erwin only asked, again, “Are you feeling ok?”

Fucking idiot. Levi was just reaching the point where he could start bottling it up again, where he could stop needing to lean on anyone. Erwin needed to leave him alone. Levi refused to look at Erwin because he knew something might spill out if he did.

Something about how Isabel was part of the only family he ever had, or about how she had represented the innocence that he had lost, and if she was gone there really couldn’t be any hope for him. About his fucking separation anxiety, and how yet another person had left him.

Erwin definitely didn’t need to hear any of that.

So Levi kept looking at the door to Erwin’s bedroom, and he said, “I’m fine.”

Erwin’s footsteps, soft on the bedroom carpet, came up behind him. He rested one large hand on Levi’s left shoulder, and Levi reached up to hold on to it. The hand felt warm and solid, and Levi clung to it like an anchor.

“I care about you, Levi,” Erwin said.

“Yeah,” Levi said. And then he surprised himself by adding, “I care about you, too.”

*****

Erwin didn’t hear from Levi for several days.

He had to fight himself to not send ten texts a day, but he knew Levi wanted some space. So he waited, and he was patient, and he may have sent several texts to Hanji to see what they knew.

They, however, only knew a little more than he did. They had dropped in on Levi a couple times. According to them, Levi had returned to work, had returned to his normal routine, and his conversation revealed nothing amiss. To anyone who didn’t know him, he would have appeared to be his usual self. Hanji could tell, though, that he was still grieving.

The next Friday, after a week of not hearing from Levi, Erwin couldn’t hold back any longer. He sent Levi a text that he was hoping to come over that evening. Despite the lack of response, Erwin went grocery shopping right after work. He wanted to have the ingredients for the chicken recipe, just in case.

He showed up a little before six and rang Levi’s doorbell. Levi could always turn him away if necessary, but Erwin desperately wanted to see him.

Levi buzzed him in to the building only a few seconds after. With one grocery bag in each arm, Erwin climbed up the narrow stairs to Levi’s apartment. He kicked lightly at the door in place of a knock and waited. While he did, he imagined how this night could go. Would it be best if he treated the evening like a normal night, or should he try to comfort Levi? Would Levi be angry that he had shown up uninvited?

Out of all the scenarios that Erwin thought through, he did not quite expect what he found. Levi opened the door wearing an old t-shirt and a bandana to protect his hair. A cleaning rag draped from his hand, and the acrid smell of cleaning solution assaulted Erwin’s senses.

“You can come in if you want,” Levi said. “The apartment’s not in very good shape, though.”

He turned away from Erwin and retreated back into his living room. Erwin stepped inside, pushing the door closed behind him with his foot. His eyes followed Levi as he knelt in front of his coffee table and poured some cleaning product on his rag.

The apartment looked in very good shape to him. In fact, it looked even more pristine than usual, if that was possible. The carpet still had tracks in it from being freshly vacuumed, the windows were so clear they looked as though they were open, and the coffee table Levi knelt before practically reflected Levi’s face.

“You can get started with dinner if you want to,” Levi said. “There’s a spot on this table that I want to get out first.”

And, without looking at Erwin, Levi started to scrub. He scrubbed quickly and roughly, putting his whole body weight into removing the phantom spot. The sight of Levi like that—face twisted in concentration, exertion making him pant a little—unnerved Erwin. He knew Levi’s tendencies toward cleanliness, but he had never seen Levi clean up dirt that wasn’t there. Cautiously, Erwin put his shopping bags on the floor and approached Levi.

Levi hadn’t looked up, and he hadn’t stopped scrubbing. There was a strange, hyper-focused look in his eye.

“Levi,” Erwin said. Levi didn’t respond. Carefully, as though to not startle Levi, Erwin took two steps closer. He sank down on his knees so that he could be on the same level. “Levi,” he said again.

“It’s almost out,” Levi panted.

“Levi, it’s ok.” Erwin reached out a hand and took ahold of Levi’s shoulder.

Levi responded by smacking it away. The blow was wild and uncontrolled, almost connecting with Erwin’s face. It made Erwin recoil for just a bit before gathering his wits and trying again.

“Levi, it’s clean,” he said, as gently as he could manage. “There is no spot. The table is clean.”

“No, it’s not . . .”

“Yes, it is. It’s clean. There was never a spot.”

“Yes, there is.”

“No, there isn’t.”

Levi’s strokes slowed. He blinked and his eyes widened as though he was looking at the table for the first time.

“You’re ok. There’s no spot,” Erwin said softly.

Erwin expected Levi to return to his normal self, and he breathed a sigh of relief. The sigh was quickly cut short as Levi whipped his cleaning rag at Erwin. “What do you know?” he spat. “What do you know? How do you know what’s there and what’s not?”

“Levi . . .”

“No, shut up!” Levi’s voice was rising out of its usual monotone, the change frightening. “What are you even doing here, anyway? No one asked you to be here. Get out.”

Erwin opened his mouth to say something, but a look at Levi’s face prevented him. Levi’s eyes were wide and wild, his mouth a grimace. This wasn’t Levi. This was a twisted mockery of the man Erwin cared for.

“Get out!” Levi spat again. “Get out.”

“Okay,” Erwin said. He stood and backed away, keeping his eyes on Levi as though he was watching a wild animal. “Okay. I’ll go.” He took a few more steps back. Levi only watched him, glaring. Erwin’s heart felt like it was constricting, hollow fear in the pit of his stomach. He couldn’t understand what was happening or how to get the Levi he knew back.

But Levi was beyond reason today, and so when he felt that he was at a safe distance, Erwin turned around and opened the door. He stepped out into the hallway, resigned to leave.

“Wait.”

The voice sounded strangled, as though it fought to get the word out.

“Wait,” Levi said again. “I’m . . . sorry.”

Erwin turned around to face Levi again. In a matter of seconds, a complete transformation had occurred. Levi now looked tired, his whole body collapsed in on itself. “I’m sorry. You can stay if you want to.”

Erwin re-entered the apartment, returned to Levi’s side. He knelt down again, leaving some space between them, just in case. And he watched, wary and concerned, to see what Levi would do.

Levi didn’t look up when he knelt down. “Of course I doubt you want to.”

“It’s okay,” Erwin said. “I want to.”

Levi continued facing away. “I get like that . . . on bad days. Panic makes me clean and . . . I can get mean. Well, meaner,” he said. Then, derisively, “Still care about me?”

“Yes.”

Levi didn’t speak for almost a full minute. Erwin anxiously watched Levi’s still face and the breaths that caused his back to move slightly up and down until, eventually, Levi said, “Then you’re a fucking idiot.”

“Then I suppose I am.”

Slowly, Levi turned to face Erwin again. “You almost left your groceries here.”

Erwin glanced over at his grocery bags, jutting up awkwardly from the clean white carpet. “I had forgotten about them.”

“Well that would have been dumb.” Levi stood up and walked over to the bags. “You would lose all the money you spent on that old fart chicken recipe.”

Erwin stood up as well and went to stand next to Levi. “Well, I guess we should make sure that doesn’t happen and cook that old fart chicken recipe.”

Levi merely bent down to pick up a bag, so Erwin followed his lead. The two of them processed into the kitchen and rested the bags on the countertop. They worked in silence as they emptied out the ingredients.

“That’s why I didn’t want you around,” Levi said, suddenly, breaking the silent air. “Well, a part of it. I didn’t want you to see that.”

Erwin watched Levi carefully. His eyes travelled downward, his face was expressionless, and Erwin could tell from Levi’s methodical movements that the truth was difficult for him to express. “And I saw it,” Erwin said softly.

“Yeah. Sorry about that.”

“And I’m still here.”

Levi’s hand froze just a moment before plunging back into the brown paper bag and continuing to unload the groceries. “That’s because you’re a fucking idiot.”

“If that’s what a fucking idiot is, then yes.”

They continued to unload the bags in silence. Erwin’s eyes were cast down to make sure he had gotten everything, so he was taken by surprise at the quick, soft peck on his cheek.

Erwin looked up, but Levi had already gone. He approached the oven as though nothing was out of the ordinary, asking, “So what do I heat the oven to?” Bright red cheeks were the only hint that Erwin hadn’t been imagining it.

Erwin smiled as he told him the temperature, relieved to see Levi returning back to normal.

*****

Levi felt that he was the fucking idiot.

He had been holding out pretty well that week, and had even been going to work. Getting through the work day was even shittier than usual, but Levi was nothing if not strong. Levi was nothing if not stoic and emotionless. So he went to work, even to just prove to himself that he could.

Things had started to get bad on Friday when Hanji called him at work. Levi saw their name in the caller ID and frowned, contemplated not taking it.

He certainly appreciated Hanji checking in on him, but he was trying very hard to not feel anything. Hanji asking every day how he was feeling did not do much to help his attempts.

“What?” Levi snarled into the receiver.

“How are things going today?”

“Don’t you have other things to do than call me every day and ask the same question?” A bit harsh. Levi didn’t allow himself to feel bad.

There was silence from the other end of the line for a beat. Then Hanji said, “I’m carving out time. For my friend. Answer the question.”

“Fine. Everything’s fine.”

“Levi . . .”

“What?”

“I know what you’re doing, and you need to stop pushing me away and avoiding your problems.”

Levi’s heart rate increased a little, and his stomach tightened into a knot. “I’m not pushing you away,” he lied.

“You’ve been acting angrier and angrier towards me every time I call.”

“Then maybe you shouldn’t keep calling me.” Levi ended the call without waiting for a response.

And then stared at the phone, realizing what he had done to a member of the small group of people who actually gave a damn about him. A group that had recently become permanently smaller.

Farlan, Hanji, Erwin. That was it. That was all he had left in the world. He had just been an ass Hanji; Erwin would probably leave him soon; Farlan lived on the other side of the country.

Well, it was bound to happen eventually.

Still, that knowledge didn’t keep the raging anxiety at bay. He got through the day, but he felt high-strung and unsteady, and the bad parts of himself raged up against his will.

The worst part was the feeling of losing control of himself. Levi _knew_ his apartment was clean. He had cleaned the whole thing the day before. He knew there was no extra dirt, and he knew that even if there was, a little bit of dust it wouldn’t hurt him.

But at the same time, a little voice in his head whispered the insistent mantra of _dirty, dirty, dirty._

And, frankly, it was between cleaning and a panic attack. If he didn’t give the anxiety some form of release, he would break down. And breaking down just wasn’t an option. So he cleaned.

The more he cleaned, the worse it got. If was as if demon took up shop in his head, and whenever he thought he might be done, that maybe he should move on and do something else, the demon said, _No. You’re still dirty._

So Levi scrubbed until his hands were raw from the chemicals of his cleaning supplies, and his back hurt, and his arms ached, and he felt on the verge of breaking down but the only way to avoid doing that was to keep cleaning.

And then Erwin arrived.

The little voice had gone wild at that point. Erwin’s arrival gave a whole new level to the panic. Now Erwin was seeing him like this . . . seeing him when he wasn’t _him_ , and there was no fucking way Erwin would stick around afterwards.

A million different possibilities flashed through Levi’s mind—he could turn Erwin away, he could just make out with him and hope the anxiety disappeared, he could maybe, _maybe_ tell Erwin what was going on.

But in the end he went back to cleaning, because he didn’t have the heart to turn Erwin away and he didn’t have the will to stop.

And, to his surprise, Erwin sat with him. Even tried to comfort him. But it was terrifying. The knowledge that Erwin was seeing him like this ultimately caused Levi to snap at him, to raise his voice and force him to get out because he was so fucking _scared_.

And it wasn’t until he saw Erwin stepping out the door that Levi realized what he had done. And so he forced himself to ask Erwin to stay.

Levi felt himself breaking apart from the feelings of vulnerability. But Erwin had stayed.

The minutes following had been a desperate attempt to cover what he had just been doing, to clean up his own mess. He wanted to explain and he wanted to pretend it hadn’t happened and a stupid, _stupid_ part of him wanted Erwin to comfort him a little.

The first time Erwin confirmed that he would willing be “a fucking idiot” for him, Levi assumed Erwin had misunderstood. The second time he did, Levi assumed he was imagining things.

Levi had watched Erwin as he unloaded the grocery bag, casually preparing to cook as though he hadn’t confessed to the most illogical decision in the world. As if he hadn’t changed everything Levi knew about life.

Because here’s the thing: no one stays. Ever. Levi’s birth parents didn’t stay, and his six different foster families didn’t stay. His slew of foster siblings and friends from all the different schools didn’t stay—sure, Farlan and Isabel had stayed in touch, but it was different from having someone by your side. None of his past lovers had stayed and most of his college friends had gotten frustrated with his negativity and left. Even Hanji seemed at the end of their rope recently.

No one. Fucking. Stayed.

Especially not someone like Erwin Smith, who was charming and intelligent and successful and hot and could have handpicked any man or woman he wanted.

But there he was, in Levi’s kitchen, having seen Levi break down and yell at him and deciding he still wanted to make Levi dinner.

Levi wanted to say something to Erwin, but all the words caught in his throat. He wanted to demonstrate his gratefulness in some way, but he felt frozen. And so he had done the only thing he physically could do, and immediately regretted it.

Out of every way he could say thank you, he just had to do it in the cutesiest way possible.

Levi felt himself grow red, so he quickly walked away from Erwin and faced the oven. Under Erwin’s instruction, Levi pre-heated it to 350 degrees (his face felt twice that warm) and then stayed there because he could not let Erwin see his stupid blush.

“Levi, can you put on some water for rice? I don’t quite know where all your pots are.”

Levi hesitantly turned around. His cheeks had cooled down a little, but not really. Erwin, thankfully, was smiling like an idiot. It may have been his imagination, but he could have sworn that Erwin’s cheeks were also a little pink.

Levi swallowed and said, as casually as he could, “Yeah, sure.” Erwin caught his eye and smiled gently, and Levi may have, maybe, smiled a little in return.

The night passed really well, all things considered. Working together to prepare the dinner meant an excuse to talk about boring things. They discussed breading the chicken and chopping the veggies and it gradually began to feel . . . natural. Like they had fallen into roles that they were meant for. Under the normalcy of preparing dinner, the tension of that evening dissipated until it was just a bad dream.

The dinner itself was delicious—lame and something a grandma would serve, but absolutely delicious regardless. Later, while Levi was washing the dishes, Erwin confessed that he had gotten the recipe from his mother.

“You learned this from your mom?” Levi asked. Then he added, “Well, that explains things I guess.”

“She’s a great cook,” Erwin said. “I wanted to be certain to impress.”

“Tch.” Levi plunged his hands into the soapy water and worked at the tray they had baked the chicken on. He considered saying that Erwin would always impress, but was able to hold that back. “How’d you make that request?”

“I told her I wanted to learn to cook from the best,” Erwin said with a grin. “It wasn’t hard to convince her when I put it that way.”

Levi smiled to himself while he rinsed off the tray. He was about to ask if Erwin was going to learn to cook anything else when his words were cut off by a sudden warmth on the back of his neck.

“What are you doing?” Levi asked.

Instead of answering, Erwin continued brushing his fingers through the ends of Levi’s hair, almost as though he was petting him. He pressed a kiss onto the top of Levi’s head. Under the warmth of his touch, Levi started to relax for the first time in a week.

“I need to finish the dishes, don’t rush me,” Levi protested without any conviction.

“No need to rush,” Erwin said. “I’ll just be right here. Would you like me to help?” His fingers continued playing with Levi’s hair.

Levi tried very, very hard to appear unaffected. “No, don’t help,” he said. Then he added, “Jeez, stop bothering me.”  

Erwin just responded by kissing his cheek. Levi felt the smile behind his kiss, knew exactly why he chose that spot.  

“Okay,” Erwin said.

Levi turned to face Erwin with the intention of glaring, or telling him to fuck off. But he did neither. Instead, he just looked at Erwin.

Erwin had kept his hand on the back of Levi’s neck, and just the slightest change of pressure pushed Levi’s head forward. Levi allowed it to happen. Or maybe he was the only one moving. It was difficult to tell. But regardless of who initiated it, their lips locked together and didn’t let go.

Levi dropped the pan he had been scrubbing with a metallic thud. His still-wet hands clenched Erwin’s shirt, suddenly seeking an anchor he could hold on to. Under his touch he could feel the firmness of Erwin’s chest, the rhythm of his breathing. Erwin’s lips moved gently against his, his tongue ran across Levi’s bottom lip, and for the first time in two weeks, Levi felt ok.

Somehow, he ended up being carried by Erwin. One minute he was on his feet, the next his legs left the ground and clung to Erwin’s hips for support, his hands gripping Erwin’s shoulders. One of Erwin’s arms cradled his back, the other rested under his butt (Levi tried—and failed—to not think about that too much). Levi wanted to protest being picked up, but it did give him a better kiss angle, so his attention was distracted from any protests.

As Levi continued to kiss Erwin’s lips, his jaw, his temple, Erwin crossed the apartment to Levi’s couch. There was still a hint of cleaning detergent in the air here, but the smell of chicken was just enough to cover up its potency. Erwin gently sat on the couch, lying Levi down lengthwise. But Levi kept his legs around Erwin’s hips, and Erwin kept his hand firmly on Levi’s ass.

Erwin drew one leg up on the couch to get a better angle before leaning over Levi and giving him another kiss. This one lingered longer than the others. Levi felt Erwin’s hand squeeze his ass, and the feeling made Levi sigh and stretch out under Erwin’s body. Erwin’s hand was big enough that it covered most of Levi’s ass, and that knowledge turned Levi on more than he would ever dare to admit.

Erwin’s hand traveled after that. It moved up, fingers brushing against his hip, and then sneaking underneath his shirt. Levi jerked up at the feeling of Erwin’s hand against the small of his back. It was unexpected, to say the least. It was nothing especially new—after all, Erwin had seen him naked before—but it felt new nevertheless. It was intimate. It was a sign that Erwin was taking more of him, physically. When he dipped his fingers under the waistband of Levi’s jeans and hummed in the back of his throat, Levi nearly melted. It wasn’t just that it was hot—though it definitely was. It was the pure, obvious enjoyment of _him_. Something about making out with Erwin was completely different from making out with anyone else. Erwin seemed to savor each touch and kiss more than anyone else he had ever been with. It was hard to describe, difficult to understand why, but Erwin just felt . . . different.

Every touch of Erwin’s felt so much better.

And, when Erwin eventually left for the evening, Levi realized that Erwin had managed to distract him from cleaning the dishes. And he couldn’t bring himself to care.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You should totally go read my other eruri fics, the [Communication](http://archiveofourown.org/series/154895) series. It's like 10x fluffier than this one and guaranteed to make you aww at least once.


	10. Chocolates and Candlelight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Valentine's Day! . . . in December . . . I should have timed these chapters a little better.
> 
> As always, thank you so much to everyone who leaves lovely comments and kudos. Some of the comments from the last chapter had me rolling around and flailing. You guys are so nice wow.

Time passed, and the pain dulled just a little. Grief was rather different than Levi expected. It was much more unpredictable. One day he’d be a mess, panic attacks barely staved off by obsessive cleaning, which often became a form of panic attack itself. But other days he would be . . . ok. Kind of ok. Relatively ok. Some days Levi could even think about Isabel without breaking down.

Hanji helped. Levi called them a couple days later and choked out an awkward but sincere apology. They promptly came over to his apartment and stayed. They sat in silence or talked about other things and, after two weeks, Levi was eventually able to talk about Isabel. He poured out everything. And Hanji, usually so talkative, listened silently until he was done.      

Erwin helped, too. Levi never talked about Isabel with him. He wasn’t ready for that kind of vulnerability. But Erwin helped, regardless. Even just as a distraction.

Almost four weeks had passed since Isabel’s death, and things were starting to feel a little more normal. The pain had faded into the background, a dull throb instead of a piercing ache. Hanji visited, and they brought over ice cream. Thankfully, they were talking on light-hearted subjects instead of opening up and examining his wounds. It felt pleasant, and Levi had the luxury of forgetting his grief for a few hours.

“So, then,” Hanji was saying, “Petra actually had the patience to teach me to skate.” Levi scooped ice cream into his bowl as he listened absent-mindedly. This was probably the fifth story they had told about Petra, but it was pleasant and amusing, and Hanji’s rambling was doing its job of distracting him.

“I must have fallen fifteen billion times, and she just did her cute little giggle and helped me up each time. Mmm I love this flavor.” Hanji stuck their spoon in the carton and took a big lick off their scoop. “Anyway. And she held my hand the _whole_ time, even after I got the hang of it. And we ended up skating for, like, four hours. So. Ice skating. Good date idea. Take note.” Hanji pointed their spoon at Levi definitively. A drop of ice cream flew off of it and landed squarely on Levi’s nose.

“I don’t know how to skate,” Levi said flatly as he wiped his face off with a napkin.

“Even better, especially if Erwin knows how to skate.” Hanji sticks their spoon in for yet another scoop. The ice cream is called Cookie Monster, and it’s blue. Trust Hanji. “You could even, like, pretend you’re worse than you are and fall on him. Erwin would eat that up and you know it.”

“We’re not going ice skating.”

“No fun,” Hanji said, shaking their head as if they were actually surprised.

“Hanji, I’m not _dating_ Erwin. We’re not going out on dates. Ice skating would be weird.”

“Mmm, you’re not dating you’re just making each other dinner frequently, hmm?”

“Making dinner isn’t necessarily romantic.”

“It is when you make out after.”

Levi scowled down at the ice cream carton. “I never said anything about making out.”

“I suspected it. Aaaand that face is confirmed my suspicions.”

Scowl plastered on his face, Levi stabbed the ice cream with his spoon and wondered for the hundredth time why he kept them around.

“But you bring up a good point,” Hanji continued, now talking around a mouthful of ice cream. “You haven’t given me the details of your relationship. Come on. I don’t want to just talk about mine all the time.”

“Hanji, I’m not talking about myself and Erwin. Also, it’s not a relationship.”

“Come onnnn. Please?” Hanji tried to make a cute face by widening their eyes and sticking out their bottom lip in a pout. They ended up just looking kind of deranged.

“Hanji, you’re not cute.”

They dropped the face, accepting it as a lost cause, and tried a more direct route. “When was the last time you saw him?”

“. . . yesterday,” Levi conceded.

“Ohhhh, but didn’t you two have dinner two days before that?”

“So?”

“And what’d you do yesterday?”

Yesterday had been Saturday. They had ended up marathoning old action movies, making fun of the bad special effects and the cheesy one-liners. “We . . . watched a movie,” Levi conceded.

“Nice, nice. Was there cuddling involved?”

The second Levi had sat on the couch, Erwin had wrapped his arm around Levi’s waist. They spent the whole afternoon like that, with Levi curled up against Erwin’s chest. “I don’t know.”

“You don’t _know_? What, you didn’t notice?”

“No, I . . . don’t know.”

“So there _was_ cuddling involved!”

Levi glared across the table and wished death on them.

“What are you going to do for Valentine’s Day?” Hanji asked, completely unperturbed by Levi’s murderous expression. 

Levi blinked. “Valentine’s Day?”

“Yeah, it’s a week from today.”        

“Oh.” Levi had honestly forgotten. Valentine’s Day had never mattered to him, so he never paid attention to its coming. But now, at the thought of Valentine’s Day, Levi’s stomach squirmed a little. “I don’t think we’re doing anything for Valentine’s Day,” he said, careful to not betray how uneasy the thought made him.

Hanji cocked an eyebrow. “Honestly, knowing Erwin, he’s already planning what you two are doing.”

Levi’s stomach squirmed a little more. “But . . . we’re not technically a couple.”

“Technical or not, I think that’s how Erwin likes to think of you.”

Levi directed his eyes squarely at the table. The shiny, fake wood grain was suddenly very interesting.

“Do you disagree?” Hanji asked.

Levi opened his mouth to speak, then thought better of it and closed it. He moved his eyes from the plastic wood just long enough to shove his spoon into his ice cream. “I don’t know,” he said. “What are you and Petra doing?”

“Ok, that’s fine,” Hanji said sympathetically. “I see what you’re doing, and I’ll go with it. Besides.” Then their eyes widened, and they grinned. “I can talk about Petra all day.”

*****

Levi probably would have gone the whole week without thinking about Valentine’s Day if it wasn’t for Hanji. As it was, he ended up thinking about Valentine’s Day a little too much.

He knew it was approaching, of course, in the same way that he noticed the change of seasons. There were outward signs—he had seen the obnoxious decorations in the grocery store, after all—but it never really registered because it didn’t have a significant impact on his life. And because it was a fucking stupid holiday anyway. Besides, his mind had been elsewhere for the past several weeks.

But now . . . did seeing someone for a month mean they had to do Valentine’s Day things? What even _were_ Valentine’ Day things? Did he get Erwin chocolates? Flowers? Were they at the flowers stage yet?

For the most part, Levi hoped they wouldn’t do anything for Valentine’s Day. It would be much too awkward. And it would define them as a couple, something Levi wanted to avoid at all costs (even if, as Hanji seemed to insinuate, that’s what they already were). On the other hand . . . if they didn’t do anything, Levi might be a tiny bit disappointed.

*****

Erwin placed the platter of steak, his final touch, on the table before Mike.

“What do you think?” he asked.

“I think I’m regretting not setting you up with a boyfriend a long time ago.” Mike served himself two large slices of steak, completely ignoring the mashed potatoes and mixed vegetables that were also part of the meal.

“You also need to eat the rest of the food,” Erwin said. “You need to test all of it.”

“Yup, don’t worry,” Mike gave a non-committal fork-wave before digging in to his steak.

Erwin sat down across from his roommate and began to serve himself. The food certainly smelled good. This was a recipe he had gotten from the Internet, so he was pleased it had turned out well. He was giving the meal a test-run before serving it to Levi, as he had been doing for the past several dinners he cooked for him. There was no point in serving Levi anything he wasn’t completely confident in making it. Mike wholeheartedly supported this practice.

“I also need something from you. A little favor,” Erwin said.

Mike looked up from his plate and propped his cheek up on his knuckles, head cocked curiously to one side. “Oh?”

“I need you to go to your parent’s for the night next Sunday.”

“Ohhhhh.” Mike sat back to look Erwin over, his mouth still open in a small O.

“No, it’s not like that,” Erwin protested. “I just want to be able to surprise him, and that’ll be easier to do from here. I have no plans to sleep with him.”

“I understand. No sex. Just a fancy, romantic atmosphere and an empty apartment . . .”

“No, I swear to god, I’m not going to sleep with Levi next week.”

Mike just shrugged and went back to eating. “You’re an intelligent adult, Erwin,” he said. “You can put your dick wherever you want to put it.”

“I’m not putting my— _god_ , Mike.”

“I’ll go to my parents,” Mike said. “Don’t worry. Just . . . make sure you’re being smart, okay?”

“Yes. I will be.”

“Because you’re pretty head over heels, but this guy doesn’t have the best track record.”

“Yes, I know. You remind me of that very frequently.”

Mike shrugged. “I just want to make sure you’re looking at this clearly. You do have a tendency to get obsessive.”

“Obsessive?”

“Yes.”

“And what do you mean by that?”

Mike piled two huge spoonfuls of mashed potatoes on his plate and took a bite. “This is really buttery. Good job.”

“Mike.”

“You know exactly what I mean by obsessive,” Mike said. “Remember the big research project in college our junior year? I couldn’t sleep at night for a month because you were so many all-nighters.”           

“I don’t see what that has to do with Levi.”

“Ok, I’ll try a different example. Remember Marie?”

“Don’t remind me.”

“You were convinced you were going to marry her.”

“I was young and stupid.”

“You had the relationship planned out by the day. You decided exactly when you were going to take her to what types of dates weeks ahead of time. Planned out how you would round the bases. Starting talking about proposing a couple years down the road and when the wedding would be.”

“Yes, and that was a big mistake of mine. I didn’t realize that she didn’t feel the same way about me. I’ve learned from that.”

“But you’re still planning in the same way. How long have you been planning what you’d do for Valentine’s Day? And when are you planning to take him out on a real date? By what time do you hope to be using the boyfriend word?”

Erwin glared at Mike but refused to say anything, as part of what Mike said hit home. He had been thinking about those things. Every time he had spent a day or an evening with Levi, a part of him had been thinking ahead, plotting out what needed to happen next in order to help Levi feel more comfortable with him. Mike, as usual, was right.

“Levi’s another one of your missions. I know that you really do care about him, for whatever reason. I’m not saying you don’t have the best intentions. But you’re also getting wrapped up in this relationship. And I don’t want you to get too caught up in it until you can’t see the warning signs. Again.”

Erwin sighed. “I’ll try to be more careful,” he said, partially just to end the conversation. He didn’t think he could be careful if he tried when it came to Levi. “I just need to know that I can have the apartment on Sunday.”

Mike nodded. “You can have the apartment on Sunday.”

*****

“Can you come by tomorrow at seven?”

Not a very dramatic text message. But it made Levi feel jittery all the same. “Tomorrow” meant Valentine’s Day.

His hands hovered over the phone’s keyboard. Two messages were begun and quickly deleted as he tried to decide what to type.

What eventually came out was, “You know what tomorrow is?”

Levi pressed send. And then wanted to smack himself. Would have done so if he wasn’t in the frozen foods aisle of the grocery store. Couldn’t he have thought of some way to ask that question that didn’t sound so _suggestive_?

The return text made Levi want to throw his phone across the store.

“Yes. I definitely do. ;)”

Erwin Smith, serious, mature Erwin Smith, had sent a winky face in a text message. Levi was going to kill him.

Levi didn’t respond until he had returned home from the grocery store. And when he did, he just sent a quick, “Sure, I’ll come.”

Such a brief text message shouldn’t have left his face so red, Levi thought to himself as he put away the small box of chocolates he had purchased.

*****

The following evening found Levi standing outside Erwin’s door and pretending there weren’t any butterflies in his stomach. This was pathetic. He was like a pathetic teenager, and just because it was a stupid holiday did not mean that—

Erwin opened the door, and all thought ceased.

Levi stared at Erwin’s face, his smile and his eyes and gold hair. Erwin met his gaze. Behind Erwin, a warm and rich scent that made his mouth water wafted out of the apartment. Levi thought he could hear soft music, too, but that may have been coming from next door.

“Hey,” Levi mutters. He eventually manages to tear his eyes away from Erwin’s face and notices Erwin’s outfit, a white dress shirt and a simple red tie. Levi sees the outfit and suddenly feels very, very uneasy.

“Good evening,” Erwin says. “I’m glad you could come.”

Levi steps inside. The apartment looks just as it had the last time he came. Clean and classy and spacious. Definitely suited to Erwin.

Except this time, the lights were a little dimmer. And now that he was inside, he could definitely tell the music was coming from nearby.

“Where’s Mike?” Levi asked.

“With his parents,” Erwin said.

“He seems to visit them a lot.”

“They’re very close. May I take your coat?”

Levi hunched his shoulders forward, as if to keep his coat on. “I, actually, I just remembered that I left something at home. I’m going to have to run back and get it.”

“What did you leave?”

“Um . . .”

“Levi, what’s that in your hand?”

Levi looked down at the small box of chocolates in his hand and glared at it as though it was an enemy. “I . . . it’s just . . . a thing.”

“A thing for me?”

Erwin smiled, and he looked so earnestly excited that Levi felt a little less embarrassed about handing the box over.

It’s the smallest one he could find, and also the only one that wasn’t red or pink or heart-shaped. But he had wanted to get Erwin something. He started with the hopes of finding a card, but all the cards he found were so mushy that Levi had ended up leaving the Hallmark aisle in disgust.

Erwin, however, was holding the little gold box delicately and looking down at it as though he held a treasure. “Thank you,” he said softly.

“Yeah, well, it’s not anything big . . .”

Erwin cupped his hand beneath Levi’s chin and kissed him. “Thank you,” he said again.

Levi looked down and swallowed. The damn butterflies in his stomach felt like they were having a party.

“Now, let me take your coat,” Erwin said when he straightened up. “Dinner’s waiting in the kitchen.”

“Uhhhh.”

“What’s wrong?” Erwin examined his face, trying to figure out what the problem was. “Levi, it’s okay if you dressed casual. I don’t care what you’re wearing.”

 “It’s not that . . .”

“Then what is it?”

“I . . . don’t say a word, ok?”

“Ok.”

Levi turned away to face Erwin’s coat rack and slid off his jacket. When it was neatly hung up, Levi turned back around so Erwin could see his white dress shirt and simple red tie. His outfit matched Erwin’s down to the last detail.

Levi followed the movements of Erwin’s face as his eyes widened in surprise and his mouth opened into a grin. A soft, pleased chuckle escaped.

“Not a word,” Levi hissed.

“I think you have great taste in fashion,” Erwin said.

“Yeah, fuck off.”

“I really do, though.” He bent down and took hold of Levi’s tie to pull him in for a kiss. The action made Levi dizzy. All his attention seemed drawn to the strong hand on his tie. “You look very handsome,” Erwin said quietly. “I like seeing you dressed up.”

“I dress like this every day for work.”

“Maybe I’ll have to visit you at work, then,” Erwin murmured. His face was only inches away from Levi’s.

“I . . . don’t think that’ll be a good idea.” Levi still felt dizzy. He wasn’t totally sure where he was or what Erwin was talking about, but he suddenly had visions of Erwin in his office that he was at least coherent enough to know weren’t appropriate.

“No?” Erwin had straightened up and let his hand wander to Levi’s shoulder. “I wouldn’t do anything scandalous . . . or at least I’d be very careful about it.” With his other hand, he gestured toward the kitchen and the rich smell coming from it. “Shall we eat?”

Walking into the kitchen and seeing Erwin’s table completely laid out with a full meal finally snapped Levi out of his dizziness. “Hey,” he spat. “You cheated.”

“Cheated?”

“We cook together. That’s how it works. I can’t believe you.”

“I wanted to give you a present,” Erwin said smoothly.

“You didn’t tell me you’d already made dinner. If I knew I would have come earlier.”

“I can’t tell you what your present is. It ruins the surprise.”

Levi shook his head as his eyes scanned over the table. Motherfucking steak. Actual, real candles. The idiot even had _flowers_ on the table. Red and white, some type that Levi couldn’t name. All of this spread out on a white tablecloth. The whole set up was ridiculous, pretentious, cheesy . . . and kind of nice, actually. But mostly stupid

“Do you like it?” Erwin asked.

Levi considered the options he had for a response, searching for something that would hide how impressed he was without being too mean. “I’ll see when I taste it,” he said.

“Fair enough.”

Levi sat down before Erwin could pull of the chair for him (because he could tell that was a very real danger tonight). From the kitchen counter, an iPod speaker played soft instrumental music. It was all so cliché that Levi would have found it disgusting in literally every setting, except when Erwin was doing it.

Erwin sat down across the table and picked up a bottle of wine. “Would you like any?” he asked.

Of course he had fucking red wine. Levi snorted quietly and shook his head in disbelief.

“Is something wrong?” Erwin asked. Then, hesitantly, “Is this all a bit much?”

Erwin watched him carefully, the wine bottle poised in mid-air as though forgotten. His gaze on Levi was controlled, concerned . . . god, was he actually worried what Levi was going to say?

Levi laughed again. Probably the worst possible reaction he could have, but he couldn’t help it. “Did you know that you are the cheesiest, most romantic bastard I’ve ever met? Everyone thinks you’re so serious, but you’re really just a big sap, aren’t you?” Erwin started to put the bottle down, seemingly a little dejected, so Levi hurried to clarify. “But it’s . . . it’s good.”

Suddenly, all his words seemed to be sticking in his throat. He could talk easily when insulting Erwin, but apparently saying something nice was too damn hard. Levi swallowed and tried again. “It’s . . . nice. I . . . shit, I’m not good with this. I like it, ok? I like it. A lot.”

Erwin was still watching him carefully, and Levi could tell he was trying to figure out what to make of that. Dumbass actually cared what Levi thought. He should have never said anything.

Levi pushed his glass towards Erwin, because continuing to try to talk would get him nowhere. “And yes, I’ll have some wine. Thank you.”

At that, Erwin seemed to understand. He smiled and poured the liquid into Levi’s glass. Generous portions were served onto Levi’s dish, and they managed to relax into their normal rhythm of conversation. The food tasted delicious; Erwin had outdone himself this time, and Levi kind of communicated that while trying to make sure he didn’t sound too impressed. Erwin seemed to get the message, judging by his delighted smile.

But the thing that surprised Levi a little—and pleased him a little—was that, despite the fanciness of the dinner, despite the music and the candles and the wine and the just dress shirts, when they settled into conversation, it felt the same as always. The atmosphere was nice, but they could have eaten at a McDonald’s and still enjoyed each other’s company as much. Erwin described the case he was working on, Levi complained about the guy in the cubicle next to him, Erwin tried to convince Levi that he needed to watch Game of Thrones. The wine made him feel warm and comfortable, and for some reason Erwin’s eyes looked brighter than usual. Levi found himself unable to look away.

Levi had completely lost track of time when Erwin asked, “Are you finished?”

“What?” Levi tore his eyes away from Erwin’s and looked down at his plate as if to check. His left hand was lying across the middle of the table. So was Erwin’s right.

“Are you done eating?” Erwin asked. Their fingers tangled together, the touch natural and absent-minded.

“Yeah, I think I am,” Levi said.

“Okay.” Erwin smiled at Levi. Levi found himself smiling back. “You know what it’s time for?”

Levi’s heartbeat quickened. They were done eating. Their past several dinners had been followed by intense make-out sessions.

Erwin grinned. “Dessert,” he said.

Levi blinked. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

Erwin got up from the table and crossed over to his fridge. Out of it, he pulled two glass cups of chocolate mousse.

“How much fucking food did you make?” Levi moved to stand next to Erwin, who was pulling two spoons out of a drawer.

“I wanted to make sure we were both satisfied.” He held out the mousse and a spoon for Levi to take. “The best meals end with dessert.”

Levi rolled his eyes, but he took the dessert and had a taste. It was pretty fantastic. Not nearly as good as making out, but it would do.

“What do you think?” Erwin asked.

Levi ate another spoonful. He closed his eyes and licked at the spoon to savor the taste. He felt like that communicated his enjoyment enough, so he just said to Erwin, “This makes my shitty chocolates look pretty pathetic.”

“No,” Erwin said. “They’re wonderful.”

“You haven’t even had any yet.”

“But I know they’re wonderful. They came from you.”

“That is the cheesiest bullshit I’ve ever heart.”

Erwin just smiled fondly. “That is, apparently, what I’m good at.”

“Mm, apparently.” Levi took another spoonful into his mouth and slowly sucked it off. Shit, the stuff was good.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Erwin asked. He had eaten some of his dessert, though apparently not as much as Levi.

“Eating my dessert. What are you talking about?”

“And does eating your dessert really require that much sucking and licking?”

Levi froze with the spoon still in his mouth. He felt his cheeks grow alarmingly warm. That sort of thought hadn’t even crossed his mind. Now, of course, it did. Now he was pulled between the horrifying realization of what he had done and the distracting mental images of what it would be like to suck Erwin’s dick.

Erwin laughed. “Don’t worry,” he said. A hand came up to play with Levi’s hair. “It was very attractive.”

“I wasn’t . . . I mean I didn’t . . . Fuck.” Levi turned away and quickly began shoveling mousse into his mouth in the least sexy way he could manage.

Behind him, Erwin continued to laugh. “I’m sorry, I actually thought you were doing it on purpose. You’re just that effortlessly sexy.”

“Fuck off,” Levi managed between bites.

“I never could.”

Levi glanced over his shoulder and glared at Erwin before setting his now-empty glass down on the counter with a definitive clank. “You need to wipe that smug smirk off you face.”

Erwin nonchalantly ate his dessert and smiled at Levi, nonplussed. “Do I have a smug smirk?”

“You always have a smug smirk.”

“Do I, now?”

Levi wanted to smack the asshole. But not nearly as much as he wanted to kiss him. “Yes, you do.” Erwin finished eating and put his glass down on the counter. The second he did, Levi grabbed his tie and pulled. “Come on,” Levi said. “We’re taking care of that.”

Erwin followed obediently. He was smiling, bemused but pleased. It occurred to Levi that this was the first time he’d taken control. The knowledge gave him a little thrill.

Levi positioned Erwin in front of his couch and pushed down. He was standing over Erwin now, and the smug smirk was already gone. Erwin appeared in awe of Levi, looking up with his eyes wide and mouth slightly parted. Levi took a moment to enjoy the sight before straddling Erwin’s thighs and kissing him.

Erwin tasted like chocolate. He sank down under the touch, pliant to Levi’s direction. When Levi pushed Erwin’s chin up, Erwin complied. When Levi pressed his tongue at Erwin’s lips, Erwin parted them obediently.

He felt sweet and beautiful. Levi ran his hands up Erwin’s chest and pulled him closer by the collar. Erwin’s only sighed contentedly, hands loose at his sides. It felt amazing. Erwin was beautiful, and he was _his_. Levi liked this reversal of roles, liked that he could take control just as well as Erwin could. After all, Erwin had been the one giving everything in this relationship. Maybe he should give Erwin something for a change.

Levi undid Erwin’s tie and whipped it off his throat. From there it didn’t take long for Levi to unbutton Erwin’s shirt, kissing the bared collarbone and chest. Erwin reached up to touch Levi’s hips and thighs, absent-mindedly running his hands up and down while Levi grasped the bottom of Erwin’s undershirt. He pulled up, and Erwin raised his arms so Levi could get it off. Now Erwin was exposed before him and looking up expectantly. In a way, he looked just as Levi remembered him from their college years—solid and muscular, with smooth skin that rose and fell at every breath. But now he was a little broader, a little more adult. A little sexier. Levi ran the tips of his fingers over Erwin’s chest, underneath his pecs and across the subtle ripples of his abs. The sight alone was enough to make him hard. He didn’t think just making out was going to cut it this time.

Levi placed his hands on Erwin’s shoulders and scooted his hips closer. His kissed along Erwin’s chest, savoring its firmness, and then, experimentally, thrust his hips forward.

Erwin groaned, and Levi felt it. He was as hard, too. They were both ready, and Erwin felt so exquisite underneath him. He thrust again, and Erwin’s groan was even louder.

Levi’s hands dropped, trailing a path down Erwin’s torso. They reached the line of Erwin’s pants, and Levi pulled at his belt. Erwin had done so much for him that night, and now it was time for Levi to return the favor. He was going to give Erwin the best blow of his life, and then . . . well, hopefully there’d be more after that, too.

Levi managed to unbuckle Erwin’s belt before a big hand cupped over both of his, stopping his motion. “No,” Erwin panted. “Don’t. This . . . this is enough.”

Levi stared at him. Erwin certainly looked turned on, and he certainly _felt_ turned on, so Levi could not understand why Erwin would stop him. He ran his left hand down Erwin’s torso again, trying to find a line between soothing and sexy. “Shhh,” he said. “It’s ok. Let me.”

With his right hand, Levi tried to undo the button of Erwin’s trousers, but Erwin pushed his hand away. It was more forceful this time.

“No,” Erwin said again. “Not now.”

And, just like that, the mood was gone. Levi felt like he’d been slapped. He tried to look back at Erwin and recapture how hot he had been just a second before, but the feeling of Erwin’s prohibiting hand on his was all he could think about.

Levi slid off Erwin’s lap and plopped down next to him on the couch. His arms crossed over his chest. Rage and irritation swelled up inside him.

“Let’s just be together,” Erwin said. He curled his arm around Levi’s back and tried to kiss him on the cheek, but Levi turned his head so Erwin just got a mouthful of hair.

“Being together is pretty much what I was suggesting,” Levi said.

He didn’t watch, but he could feel Erwin pulling away. His grip around Levi’s back loosened. "Levi, I’m sorry,” he said. “I just didn’t want . . .”

“Yeah, whatever. I should get home anyway.”

“It’s still early,” Erwin protested.

“Yeah, well, I need to get up early tomorrow morning.” He suddenly had no desire to be there. The sooner he got home and he could just forget about the night, the better.   

“Levi, wait.”

Levi got up and crossed over to the coatrack. He refused to turn around, but he listened carefully to Erwin’s footsteps following him.

“I’m sorry,” Erwin said. “Let me explain.”

“I’m not in the mood right now,” Levi said, shrugging his coat on. “Explain later.”

“I’ll text you tomorrow.”

Levi shrugged. He didn’t really want Erwin to talk to him any time soon. Not until he figured out why he was so infuriated. Maybe not even then.

“Have a good night,” Erwin said. It sounded like a plea.

“Yeah.” Levi briefly glanced up at him, hand on the doorknob. “Thanks for dinner.”

Then he slipped out before Erwin could kiss him goodnight.


	11. Conversations and Reconciliations

Erwin woke up the next day to the sound of Mike shouting, “Erwin, I’m home! And I’m coming in.” The unnaturally raised voice was one of the least subtle things Erwin had ever heard.

He yawned and sighed. “Mike, there’s no one but me in here,” he called.

Footsteps stopped outside his bedroom, and then the door was tapped open. “Oh,” Mike said, looking a little disappointed. “But then why did you sleep in?”

Sleep in? Erwin never slept in. He glanced at the clock by his bed. 8:15. He was supposed to already be at the office.

“Shit.” He jumped out of bed and stormed past Mike to the bathroom.

“Just take the day,” Mike said. “I called in sick. You should too.”

“I can’t call in sick,” Erwin said between frantic splashes of water to his face. He washed his face in record time and started scrubbing at his teeth. “Too much to do.”

“Well, it was worth a try,” Mike said to himself.

Erwin managed to finish with his teeth in less than a minute. He then slapped on some shaving cream and grabbing his razor.

“So were you up late last night?”

“What? Shit.” Erwin cut himself right on the jawline. He scowled at his reflection as he pressed a tissue to the cut and searched the medicine cabinet for a band-aid. “Nothing happened, Mike,” he said.

“Oh.”

“I’ll talk about this when I get home, okay?”

Erwin managed to finish shaving, complete a two-minute shower, and shove some clothes on in a grand total of fifteen minutes. It was pretty impressive, all things considered. Unfortunately, his commute to the office took over twenty.

He stumbled into the office almost an hour late, which was completely unlike him. If anything, he tended to arrive early. People stared at him as he passed by. To make matters worse, he ran into his boss.

“Ah, Erwin,” Mr. Pixis said. “I’ve been looking for you.”

“I’m so sorry I’m late,” Erwin said as earnestly as he could.

“As you should be. Some complications came up with the Anderson case, and I didn’t have my family law associate to work on it.”

“I’m sorry--”

“But now you’re here.” And, out of nowhere, Pixis shoved a thick manila folder into Erwin’s hands. “So now you can work on it. See? Everything works out.” He smiled as he walked away, and Erwin was left confused as to just how upset Pixis actually was. He sank into his desk chair and resisted the urge to put his head in his hands while he booted up his computer.

He had been up kind of late the night before. After all, he had to clean up a very elaborate dinner. But still, that was no excuse for not setting his alarm. How could he have forgotten that . . .?

He knew how. His mind had been on other things. But it was silly, and he shouldn’t have let it distract him.

After all, Levi was . . . well, to be quite honest, Levi was unpredictable. Erwin knew he had reasons for that, real issues he couldn’t even guess at, but that didn’t change the fact. One second they’re having an intimate moment, the next Levi’s shut off. One day they’re basically dating, the next Levi is dumping him for four years without explanation. He cared deeply about Levi, but god, that man was frustrating.

And this fight was all for what? Not wanting sex? Why on earth would that upset Levi so much?

It wasn’t that Erwin hadn’t _wanted_ sex—damn, he had wanted. Everything about Levi, from the way he looked at Erwin to the way he undressed him, had been the hottest thing Erwin had experienced in years. Levi was lovely, and willing, and everything in Erwin had been screaming to take him right there.

But Erwin had already decided he would wait. He wanted their first time to be perfect. He wanted it to be planned out and precious, not just something that happened on a whim. This relationship was fragile and needed to be handled with care. He couldn’t help but feel that a night of spontaneous sex would shatter it.

Perhaps he merely needed to explain this motivation to Levi. Perhaps Levi thought he didn’t want him, when nothing could be further from the truth. Erwin sent a text off to Levi asking him if they could see each other that evening to talk. Perhaps when Erwin explained just how precious he considered Levi, their relationship would be fine.

But Levi didn’t respond.

*****

The next day, Erwin tried again. Still no response.

He sent a text to Hanji that evening, asking if Levi was okay.

“Yeah,” they typed back, “I saw him just last night and he seemed fine. Why?”

Erwin frowned. The fact that Levi had seen Hanji confirmed his suspicions that Levi was not busy or somehow unable to text, but simply ignoring Erwin.

The next day Erwin was ringing Levi’s doorbell. It was a bit silly, but coming unexpectedly to Levi’s door had worked before, right? He waited in the cold, shivering, until he heard his phone buzz.

When he finished it out of his coat pocket, he read the simple message, “I don’t feel like talking tonight.”

It was starting to snow, the kind of snow that falls in late winter and has lost any iota of charm. It soaked through his hair and turned to slush underfoot so that when Erwin returned home he was soaking wet. Mike commented that he looked like a sad puppy. Erwin refused to acknowledge him.

The next morning he sent Levi the message, “Do you feel like talking tonight?”

Levi responded five hours later with, “Fine.”

So Erwin ended up at Levi’s apartment that evening with a small bouquet of flowers in his hand and the hope that, if he just spoke well enough, everything would be alright.

Levi buzzed him in through the front door and waited for him at the top of the stairs, leaning against his doorframe and looking down. He still wore his work clothes, the sleeves of his shirt rolled up to his elbows. As Erwin climbed the stairs, Levi watched with his arms crossed and his gaze disapproving.

Erwin mounted the landing and held the bouquet out to Levi. “Thank you for seeing me,” he said with as much charm as he could muster.

Levi scowled at the bouquet, shook his head, and disappeared inside. Erwin could do nothing but follow.

“Have a seat,” Levi said. The words were detached and cold, but Erwin had worked through that much before. He sank down on the couch. The bouquet was still uselessly in his hand, so he placed it the coffee table.

Rather than join him on the couch, Levi sat down in an armchair facing him. He crossed his legs, leaned back and looked at Erwin expectantly. So Erwin took his cue to begin.

“Levi, I’m so sorry that I upset you the other night,” Erwin said. “Truly. Upsetting you is the last thing I want to do, and I’d like to opportunity to explain my actions.

“I don’t want to do anything this early on, not because I don’t want to sleep with you, but because this relationship means so much to me that I want to be sure I’m doing everything right. I want to build up this relationship so that when we do sleep together it’ll be making love, not just having sex.” Erwin paused, both to judge how Levi was taking this and for a bit of effect (because while everything he was saying was completely earnest, the mode of delivery went a long way). And then he added the grand finish of, “You’re precious to me, Levi. And I want to treat you that way.”

Erwin expected Levi to look away, or make the _tch_ sound he always made. Levi did neither. Levi merely laughed.

Well, he was certainly unpredictable.

“I don’t understand what’s funny,” Erwin said.

“So, did you write that one down before you came here?” Levi asked.

“What?”

“How many times did you practice that in your head to get it perfect?”

Several. But Erwin had thought he had hidden it pretty well.

“I’ve seen you earnest, Erwin,” Levi said. “That wasn’t it.”

“I was earnest,” Erwin protested. “Every word is true, I swear--”

“I know it was _true_ ,” Levi said. “But it wasn’t earnest. It was practiced and planned, just like those fucking flowers.” Levi nodded to the coffee table. “You came here planning to win me over with cheesy romance and calling me precious.”

“I didn’t . . .”

“Yeah, you did.”

Erwin looked down at the flowers. He didn’t understand what was wrong with them, and that made him profoundly uncomfortable. Erwin didn’t involve himself in many situations where he didn’t understand something.

“Look,” Levi said. “I was pissed off at you then, and I’m even more pissed off at you now because your head’s still up your fucking ass. Now when were you planning on asking me why I’m pissed off?”

“I thought I knew.”

“And why’s that?”

“Because I didn’t want to have sex.”

“So you think I’m so shallow that I would storm out of the apartment just because you didn’t want to have sex?”

Well. When he put it that way, Erwin certainly saw what was wrong with the assumption.  

“Erwin, I stormed out of your apartment because you swatted my hand away and said no like I was a fucking child instead of talking to me like a damned adult.”

“I’m sorry.”

“So I see you’ve decided that we’re going to wait to have sex, and that’s all good for you,” Levi went on. “Were you planning on asking me about that decision, or are you now authorized to make choices for the both of us?”

Oh. And now it all started to click for Erwin, and he was starting to realize how profoundly stupid be had been.

“Do I get a say in when we have sex?” Levi said. “I mean, it does kind of concern me.”

“I . . . I’m sorry,” Erwin said. “I didn’t think . . .”

“You didn’t think of shit,” Levi said. “You just want to act like the big strong man. The flowers, the speech, the whole dinner last weekend. You just want to act like the hero of some cliché romance movie. I’m the heroine. And the big, strong man always makes the decisions too, apparently.”

“I’m so sorry. I wasn’t trying to make decisions for you.”

“Well you did.”  

“I’m sorry,” Erwin said again. It felt like much too little of an apology.

Levi sighed. “Look, I know you see me as fucked up beyond repair,” he said. “And all the shit you’ve seen me do, I know that’s made me look pretty weak. But fucked up or not I do pretty well for myself with or without you. Just because I have a screwy mental state doesn’t mean I need you thinking for me.”

“Is that . . . Is that really how you think I see you?”

Levi shrugged. “Is it not?”

“No. No, oh my god no,” Erwin insisted. “I see you as . . . amazing.” Levi just snorted at that. Erwin continued on, because he had fucked up so royally, and he really, really needed to fix it. “Levi, I don’t see you as weak. At all. To live with what you live with, I consider you one of the strongest people I know. I promise that any time I’ve been thinking for you has not been because I thought you were incapable. It’s only because I was being a fool. Only because I was being selfish and not even thinking that you might want something different.”

Levi’s lip twitches up at that, just barely a hint of a smile. “Glad you’re admitting that.”

“I can’t believe I made you think that I looked down on you. I don’t. I don’t at all.”

“You’re just always . . .” Levi waved his hand in a vague gesture. “Doing shit for me.”

“Because I care for you.”

“Okay, but it makes me feel like you think I’m helpless. So  stop that. Or cut it down a little.”

“I . . .” Erwin sighed and conceded. “I’ll try. I may need you to tell me when I cross the line between thoughtful and insulting. I’m not sure I would notice.”

Levi nodded. “I can do that. If you promise you won’t get insulted, I’ll tell you.”

“Ok. I promise.”  

“Good. Now about last Sunday.”

“I thought we had been talking about Sunday?”

“No, we were talking about the broader issue. Now be quiet.”

“Sorry.”

“So on Sunday you had this big, fancy thing all ready. Nice dinner and candles and wine. It must have taken a lot of effort. And all I got you was a tiny box of chocolates. See where this is going?”

“I think so,” Erwin said.

“It was really uneven. So I thought, hey, I’ll give Erwin something back. I was going to give you a nice thank-you blow job. So when you pushed me away after I tried to make things more even, you weren’t just treating me like a child, you were also keeping me from evening out the score a little.”

“I see,” Erwin said. “I hadn’t thought of it like that.”

“Of course not.”

“But, Levi, I hope you understand that you don’t need to even out the score,” Erwin insisted.

“I know I don’t need to. That’s why I want to,” Levi said.

“I’m afraid I don’t understand.”

“Fuck.” Levi looked off to the side for second. “You say you do stuff for me because you care about me, right?”

“Yes, absolutely.”

“Well.” Levi shrugged.

“Ah.” And then it all made sense, and Erwin felt incredibly overwhelmed. Both with his sense of guilt and with the knowledge that Levi, definitely and truly, cared about him. And he had wanted to show it. “I’m sorry, Levi. I had no idea.”

Levi just shrugged. “It’s okay. I get it. I guess I could have . . . said something.”

“But I should have asked you what you wanted instead of assuming.”

“Yeah. You should have.”

“I’m so sorry,” Erwin said. “Can you forgive me?”

Levi shrugged. “Yeah, I can.”

That was a little too vague for Erwin. “Really?”

“Yes,” Levi said, a little more firmly. “Yes, I forgive you.”

“Thank you.”

Levi just nodded. “Well, I guess I should expect you to be a dumbass every now and then. You were dumb enough to choose me, after all.” And as he spoke, he got up from his chair and plopped down on the couch next to Erwin.

“Does this mean we’re ok?” Erwin asked.

Levi shrugged again. “Yeah, we’re ok,” he said.

Tentatively, Erwin reached out to touch him. It may have been rushing things a little, but Levi was right there and Erwin couldn’t resist. He trailed his fingers through Levi’s hair, and Levi didn’t protest.

“Thanks for, you know . . . listening and not being an ass about it,” Levi said.

“Of course.”

He continued running his fingers through Levi’s hair. Levi closed his eyes, and Erwin knew all was well.

“So about the sex thing,” Levi said, eyes still closed.

“About the sex thing,” Erwin agreed.

“Explain exactly why you don’t want to do anything yet.”

“Because . . .” Erwin considered what the best was to put it would be. “Because I see you as more than a body, and I want to be with you in a way that’s more than just physical.”

“Hm. How poetic,” Levi said.

“Thanks.”

“Let’s do a compromise.”

“A compromise?”

Levi nodded. He turned his head to face Erwin, and Erwin’s hand had to drop out of his hair. “How about this: we’ll wait to go all the way, dick in ass, until you feel ready, but anything else is fine. How’s that?”

Erwin thought for a moment. He would have rather continued to wait before doing anything. But at the same time, images of what “anything else” could mean began popping up in his mind, and he wanted that. He really, really wanted that. And it would make Levi feel better without ruining his perfect, planned out first night of making love. “Okay,” he said. “I think that’s fair.”

“Great.” Levi sighed. “That went better than I thought it would.”

“How’s that?”

He shrugged. “I kind of thought we’d end up breaking up again.”

“Levi Ackerman,” Erwin said, “I will always do whatever I can to ensure that another break up doesn’t happen. And I will always be willing to listen to you.”

“You don’t have to get so dramatic about it,” Levi said.  He craned his head up, and Erwin instantly understood what he was being asked for. He leaned his own down, and they kissed at the halfway point.

The moment they did, Erwin drank in Levi like scorched land drinking in water. He pulled him in closer, memorizing the press of his body and the shape of his sweet, soft lips. Four days that had been far too long to not kiss Levi. Erwin wondered how he had ever lasted four years.

Levi responded with equal fervor. He wrapped his arms around Erwin’s neck and scrambled up to kneel on the couch and get a better angle. Erwin ran his hands up and down Levi’s back, savoring each tiny movement of his body.

“Thank you,” Erwin murmurs when they break for air.

“Hmm?”

“For forgiving me so quickly. And for being honest about how you feel. I know that’s difficult for you.”

“Not when I’m angry.” Levi kissed him again, light and brief and sweet. “Just with other things.”

“Still.” Erwin knew Levi was trying to downplay it, to brush over how many emotions had actually come up that night.

“Oh, shut up.” And then Levi made him shut up.

Erwin couldn’t really complain about that. He closed his eyes and let Levi do what he wanted. Levi’s delicate fingers trailed up into his hair, his lips massaged Erwin’s. Erwin vaguely noticed Levi crawl onto his lap, straddling him. It made him feel as though Levi were everywhere, his heat pressing in from all sides as they surged up against each other.

Levi’s fingers danced across Erwin’s cheeks and down his neck, sweet and affectionate. He paused to look down at Erwin, and there was more tenderness in his gaze than Erwin had ever seen on him. “Fucking dumbass, I swear.” Erwin smiled under the brush of his lips as Levi leaned down to kiss him again.

When Levi broke away, several minutes later, he looked down at Erwin with the same gaze and said, “Let’s pick up where we left off.”

It took Erwin a second to catch on, but when he did he began to feel nervous and jittery and, against his will, he began to feel himself getting hard. “Right now?” he asked.

“Yeah. Well, I guess not _right_ now. That’s a little too sudden, isn’t it?” Levi’s eyes flickered away from Erwin’s face, and Erwin could tell he was starting to feel unsure.

Erwin hesitated. He hadn’t gotten used to the idea of being intimate yet, and he didn’t feel quite satisfied with the idea of Levi servicing him. If anything, he thought he would be servicing Levi at some point. But then again, that was the attitude that had caused this disagreement. And damn, he’d be lying if he were to say he didn’t want it.

“No, it’s not too sudden,” Erwin said. “I’d like that.”

“Good.” Levi looked at Erwin for a moment, hands still resting on his shoulders. His gaze traveled over Erwin’s face, as if memorizing the image. Then, in a quick, fluid motion, he slid off Erwin’s lap and settled onto the floor.            

Levi glanced up at Erwin and seemed to hesitate, as though second-guessing himself. Erwin was about to say something to encourage him, but before he could Levi began. He cupped Erwin through his pants and stroked a couple times, and anything Erwin was about to say flew out of his mind.

“Oh . . .” Erwin stared as Levi worked, delicate fingers creating tingling waves of pleasure. He looked so intent and focused, and Erwin felt a surge of affection only enhanced by his arousal. He couldn’t believe that this was what Levi had wanted. He couldn’t believe how lucky he was to be with Levi like this.

Levi continued for a couple minutes, and then he looked up when Erwin felt hard. Their eyes met, and Levi held eye contact as he undid Erwin’s belt buckle and unzipped his pants.

Erwin was exposed to his underwear now. Levi mouthed at the bulge that pressed against the fabric, surrounding Erwin with the heat of his breath and the tiny, tickling brush of his lips. Erwin closed his eyes and moaned, losing himself in the feeling.

“How’s it going?” Levi asked. The heat lips on his cock stopped. The absence was jarring.  

“It’s . . . what? . . . good. It’s good.” Erwin felt as though his mind was pushing through fog. He just needed Levi’s mouth back on him.

“Good?” Levi asked.

“Yes.” Erwin felt the urge to squirm and just barely suppressed it.   

“Not great? I must not be doing enough.”

“No, I . . .” Erwin watched as Levi pushed down his underwear to reveal his cock. In tiny licks, Levi started lapping up precome and kissing the tip. Erwin watched, mesmerized, as the thin lips worked up and down in sweet caresses. “I . . . _oh._ ”

Erwin didn’t miss the little, satisfied smile on Levi’s face in between kisses. He looked at Erwin, again holding eye contact, and dragged his tongue across the slit. The heat of his tongue, combined with the heat in Levi’s gaze, made Erwin shudder.

“Thank you, Levi,” Erwin murmured.

Levi rested his hands at the top of Erwin’s thighs, delicate fingers grazing hipbones. “I haven’t even done anything yet,” he said. His breath tickled Erwin’s skin.

“You’ve . . . ah . . .” Erwin’s words were halted when Levi began working down his shaft, kissing the underside until he reached the base and moved on to Erwin’s balls. His fingers dug into Erwin’s hips as his warm tongue traveled across Erwin’s most sensitive skin. Again, Erwin shuddered. “Levi . . .”

Levi pulled away and looked up at him, licking his lips. To Erwin’s embarrassment, another spring of precome dripped out of his cock.

“Is it better than good yet?”

“Yes, _yes._ ”

Levi smiled. He took just the tip of Erwin’s cock in his mouth, keeping eye contact as he did. Slowly, he traced his tongue around Erwin’s tip a few times before beginning to bob up and down. He moved ever so slightly, only taking in a tiny bit, teasing Erwin and making every inch of him tingle with the need for more.

“Levi . . . Levi, please,” Erwin gasped.

Levi drew away with a soft pop. The spit he had left behind made Erwin cold, and the sudden contrast in temperature caused him to gasp. “Be patient,” Levi said. He dotted Erwin’s tip with quick, teasing kisses.

Levi licked his lips once before parting them enough to take in more of Erwin. His mouth slid slowly down his length before moving back up. Slick heat surrounded Erwin’s cock, causing him to lean back and moan loudly. Levi felt so beautiful, he could not stop himself from thrusting up a little.

His tip bumped against the back of Levi’s throat, and Levi gagged a little. He didn’t stop, though. He only seemed to increase his pace, giving Erwin more and more warmth and friction. Levi added his right hand, massaging Erwin’s base in time with the movement of his mouth.

Erwin pushed himself down on the couch cushions, trying to keep himself from thrusting up again. Levi felt so perfect and sweet and loving, and again Erwin could barely believe how lucky he was. The movements of Levi’s tongue and mouth touched and satisfied every nerve.

Levi’s left hand dropped away from his thigh. Erwin craned his head to see where it had gone. His hip was cold without it. As he watched, Levi reached down to palm himself through his jeans. He moaned, mouth still around Erwin, causing little vibrations to go through his cock. Erwin gasped at the new sensation.

Levi’s head had stilled, but now he started up again. He pulled his lips off Erwin’s tip, kissing it as he continued to massage Erwin’s base. The hand returned to Erwin’s leg rather reluctantly.

“Go on,” Erwin breathed.

“Hmm?” Levi kissed the underside of his cock and looked up at him quizzically.

Erwin’s breath was heavy, and his face felt flushed. He could barely string a sentence together. A little speck of precome just underneath the corner of Levi’s mouth drew all his attention.

“Ah—touch yourself. Go on.” Erwin pulled his gaze up to Levi’s eyes and said, “Touch yourself for me.”

Any last bit of composure dropped from Levi’s face. His mouth went slack for a minute, and then he he quickly unbuttoned his pants and pulled them down with his left hand, still massaging Erwin with his right. Erwin leaned over to see Levi’s cock, sweet and hard and just as beautiful as he remembered, before Levi blocked the view by again wrapping his lips around Erwin.

Erwin couldn’t see Levi touch himself, but the knowledge that he was proved to be enough. Levi’s breath around him came in warmer, heavier pants, and the occasional moan set Erwin trembling. Levi’s shoulders heaved under Erwin’s gaze, and his head began to move faster and faster.

“Levi . . .” Erwin moaned. He reached up one hand and tangled his fingers in Levi’s hair. “Mmm Levi . . . Levi, I’m going to . . .”

Levi steadied his head but kept working his hand, massaging Erwin in firm, steady strokes until Erwin was pushed over the edge.

He came in Levi’s mouth, watching with awe as Levi throat bobbed while he swallowed it all down. When Levi pulled off, he did so slowly, licking off any mess that was left. Then he collapsed backwards, sitting on his feet, and pumped his fist up and down his own length. Erwin watched, entranced, as Levi came with a shout, head back and come spilling all over his fingers.

The moment froze. Levi remained collapsed on the carpet, panting, messy hand still hovering over his cock. His eyelids fluttered closed and he seemed to sink in on himself. Erwin found himself mesmerized by the sight, just as enchanted as he had been when Levi had been blowing him.

Barely knowing what he was doing, Erwin leaned forward and took Levi’s collar in his fist. He pulled him forward, causing Levi to give a cry of protest and brace his clean hand against Erwin’s knee. The dirty hand remained carefully out of the way. Erwin crashed into a heated, messy kiss. He slipped his tongue inside Levi’s mouth and tasted himself there.

“Thank you,” he breathed when he finally pulled away. “Thank you so much.”  

“You’re welcome.” Levi smiled. “Now let go of me, you’re going to ruin my shirt.”

Erwin smiled as Levi stood up. Once standing, he leaned down again and gave Erwin a quick kiss on the lips. His clean right hand cupped Erwin’s cheek and jaw. “See what you almost missed?” he said.

“I was such a fool,” Erwin murmured. “I don’t remember you being . . . I think that was the first time we did that.”

“Hm? No, I thought we did that once.”

“Really? I think I would have remembered something like that.”

“Yeah? It was that memorable?”

“Mmm. Definitely.”

“Maybe I’ve gotten better in my old age.” Levi kissed him again. “I need to clean up,” he said.

“Of course.”

“Do you need to . . .?”           

“I think you got most of it.”

“Ah.” Levi glanced down and, just barely, blushed.

“But I should be going home, regardless. It’s getting late.”

“See you tomorrow?”

And, despite everything that had happened that night, Erwin’s heart fluttered a little when Levi asked that. It was just another confirmation that Levi had decided to give him another chance. And that was a greater gift than any blow job could ever be. “Yes. I’ll come see you tomorrow.”

“Good.”   

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy first bit of porn! Also happy healthy resolution of the couple's first fight. I hope you enjoyed it :)
> 
> As always, a big big big big thank you to anyone and everyone who comments on this fic. Especially those of you who have commented multiple times and who I now like to think of as my "fans" because I'm a vain piece of shit. (Extra special shout-out to Selva, who has commented on literally every chapter in this fic. Thank you friend.)


	12. Dates and Exes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'VE FINALLY FINISHED THIS CHAPTER OH MY GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE IT TOOK MY THREE MONTHS. 
> 
> Seriously I have been fighting with this chapter so much. That, combined with getting my first full-time, Real Adult Job has made writing progress super slow. It shouldn't be nearly as bad in the future, though. I've gotten used to budgeting my time around the Real Adult Job and the next chapter should be much easier to edit. 
> 
> Anyway, I have been writing and re-writing this chapter so much that I can no longer tell if it's good or not. Now that I've instilled you with excitement and confidence, I hope you enjoy it.

From that point on things were . . . good.

Things were actually good.

Levi couldn’t believe it at first. He kept expecting Erwin to do . . . something. Something that proved he wasn’t everything he appeared to be. Or he expected Erwin to leave. To one day sigh and say Levi was too much to handle— too grumpy, too clean, not kind enough, not attractive enough. But he didn’t do any of that. And things were really, really good.

It was an odd thing, learning to be in a relationship – because that’s what this was, even if Levi refused to say so out loud. And now that they had gotten used to being with each other, Levi felt like he was learning who Erwin was all over again – learning Erwin’s quirks, his annoying habits, how he drank too much coffee and sneezed really loudly and told too many stories about his niece Sarah. As the weeks passed, Levi learned about the man under the infatuation, about Erwin’s life outside of the relationship and what he looked like when his defenses were down. It was as if Levi uncovered a new part of Erwin every day.

He knew Erwin was doing the same with him, too, and that thought terrified him. But for whatever reason, Erwin always came back. Somehow, Levi never grew to be too much for him. And, much to Levi’s surprise, the next bump in the road was Erwin’s fault, not his.                       

Or, more specifically, it was the fault of Erwin’s ridiculous levels of workaholism. The guy did not know how to take a break. Day after day, Erwin would cancel a dinner with Levi because he had to stay at the office late, because he had to take work home, or because he had pulled an all-nighter the day before and was too exhausted. At one point, this went on for about two weeks straight and Levi was certain that Erwin had finally given up on him.

But Erwin had just been caught up in a couple of complex cases, and when the cases wrapped up, he appeared at Levi’s door with an apology bouquet and the hope that everything was alright between them. Levi was so angry that he took those flowers and used them to whack Erwin across the face.

After that, Erwin had explained his absences in a little more detail. It wasn’t just that work had been busy; his work had also involved some very real stakes. Erwin worked for a family lawyer, and many of the cases he saw involved issues related to child care and child custody. Erwin, apparently, was too devoted to his young clients to tear himself away from the work.  Trust Erwin to be too fucking selfless.  

But after that evening, Erwin did promise to try to make more time for Levi. And he fulfilled his promise in the sense that he really did try. But succeeding was another matter. It seemed almost as though Erwin was pathologically selfless, as though he couldn’t help but work himself to exhaustion. But he did make an effort, and he apologized profusely every time his work once again drew his attention away from Levi for any length of time.

And his effort was good enough for Levi. He didn’t mind coming second in Erwin’s life – in a way, that felt better. Safer. And whenever they went a week or longer without seeing each other, Levi just needed to send an annoyed text to claim Erwin’s attention again.

*****

Erwin found one of those texts while taking a quick lunch break at work one day. It simply said, in Levi’s usual blunt manner, “Way too long again.” He glanced at the message’s time stamp and saw that it had been sent at nine o’clock the night before. Erwin winced at the scowl he knew Levi would be wearing the next time they met.

Erwin understood that his work habits were a problem, he really did. But he couldn’t seem to shake himself from them. There were children relying on the work he performed, real lives that could be made or ruined by the cases he helped to build. It was hard to relax under those circumstances.

Even now, it was hard to pull his mind away from his cases and focus on crafting a response for Levi. He considered the best thing to say. On the one hand, Levi was right. It had been almost a week since they had seen each other in person. Not good for building an official relationship (which Erwin still wanted). But that night wouldn’t work. He wanted to get a head start on a new case, finish up research an older one, do a few errands . . . and maybe go to bed on time if he could manage that luxury.

The logical course of action would be to suggest a time a couple days from now. But after Erwin thought through all his options, he decided to take a small risk.

“I’m so, so sorry, Levi. It’s been much too long since I’ve seen you, and I miss you terribly,” he typed out. “But sadly, I can’t have a dinner today or tomorrow. Do you think we could meet for coffee this afternoon after work? I’m going to need a cup anyway, and it’ll be nice to see you.”

That was a bit of a white lie. Erwin initially hadn’t had any intention of getting coffee after work. But it would be quicker than their usual dinner dates were. And, more importantly, it would mean going outside Levi’s apartment. That was something Levi still refused to do and something Erwin still desperately wished for. But, Erwin reason, Levi couldn’t refuse something as simple as getting coffee. It wasn’t nearly as serious as going out on a date. (But perhaps if Levi got used to being out with him, they could graduate to a real date . . .)

Levi didn’t respond until nearly the end of the work day. The reply text merely said, “Sure.”

*****

It was early April, and as Erwin stood outside his favorite coffee shop he felt the sun for the first time in what seemed like ages. The weather had warmed up and spring had come, but work had consumed him so much that he barely noticed.

He felt slightly guilty about taking time to do something enjoyable instead of attending to his many obligations. Weeks of work stress tended to do that to him – he grew so used to always being busy that relaxing felt almost like a sin. But he knew the guilt was irrational, and he tried to tuck it away.

Besides, Levi was an obligation too.

So while he waited, he focused his attention on the nice weather and the pedestrians passing on the street. Just the presence spring seemed to relax him and ease him of his guilt. He closed his eyes and turned his face up to the sun to enjoy its warmth.  

“What are you doing, photosynthesizing?”

The sun may have felt good, but it didn’t even come close to how he felt at the sound of that voice.

Erwin turned away from the sun to face Levi. “Hi.”

“Hi.”

“Thanks for coming.”

The sunlight gave a lovely glow to Levi’s pale skin. Erwin realized that he’d rarely seen Levi outside of the light of their apartments. He wanted see Levi lit up by every light in the world.

Erwin held the door open for Levi as they entered the coffee shop. It was a nice place – Erwin had picked it carefully. There were light blue walls that gave it a homey feeling and dark wood furniture that suggested rusticity even in the middle of the city. The warm smell of baking and of fresh coffee filled the air.

“Nice place,” Levi commented.

Erwin smiled, knowing he had done well. “One of my favorites. I often come here after work.”  They approached the counter and gave their orders to a college-aged boy with an odd-looking undercut. Then Erwin let Levi choose a table towards the back corner of the shop.

Once they settled at their table, Levi looked at Erwin expectantly, as if demanding that Erwin start the conversation. Well, he could easily oblige. “How was your day?”

“Boring,” Levi replied, his usual response to that question. “Yours?”

“It was decent. I think I got some good leads I can work with on a couple cases.”

“Good.” Levi took a sip of his coffee and leaned back in his chair. “Going to be out of work hell any time soon?”

“I believe things should calm down within the next week or so.”

“Good.”

“Thank you for being so patient with me.”

Levi shrugged. “Well, you’re being annoying as hell, but I guess your dedication is admirable.”

Erwin didn’t quite know how to respond to that. Thankfully, he didn’t have to. Levi had turned away and, apparently, had seen something that warranted his interest. “Look at those two,” he said, nodding towards the counter. “Young, painfully awkward love.”

Erwin turned to look. At the counter, a freckled boy spoke with the barista. Erwin turned just in time to see a blush spread across his cheeks. He couldn’t hear what the two boys were saying, but their body language spoke loudly enough. The boys alternated between looking away and stealing glances that ended up lingering. They leaned towards each other slightly, and Erwin could tell what they were thinking by the way their fingers fidgeted and their cheeks flushed.

“Disgusting. Glad I never looked like that,” Levi said.

“I think it’s very sweet.”

“That’s because you’re a romantic sap,” Levi said. “They look like idiots.”

Erwin glanced back again. The barista had rushed away to make an order, and the freckled boy turned around and shook his head, apparently exasperated with himself.

“But it’s sweet nevertheless,” Erwin asserted.

He turned back around to Levi, who still watched the young and awkward lovers with his usual bored expression.

“I hesitate to say this,” Erwin said without any hesitation, “But you’ve most certainly looked like that before.”

Levi gave Erwin a glare so intense it’d make a lesser man tremble in fear.  

“Perhaps not in public, but I’ve seen those faces on you all the same.”

“I have never looked that bad,” Levi said.

“You’re just better at looking stoic. But I could name a few examples . . .”

“Name examples and I will murder you,” Levi said calmly, “Slowly, and then leave your body to be picked at by vultures.”

“Ooh.”

“I’m not joking.”

“The vultures are a very creative touch.”

“Oh god, look what weird-ass hair just did.”

Erwin glanced to the side and saw the barista, chattering in a panic, run out from behind the counter. He dabbed frantically at some coffee that had splattered all across the freckled boy’s shirt.

“Oh my,” Erwin said.

“Well, he’s not getting a date.”

As they watched, the barista awkwardly grabbed the boy’s shirt to wipe it, saying something (probably repeated apologies) the whole time. The other boy seemed to speak, too, but the barista made no reaction until his hand was pushed away. He ended up with it cupped between the freckled boy’s palms, and the two of them froze, staring at each other.

“He may yet,” Erwin said.

“Oh my fucking god.”

Erwin smiled and turned back to Levi. “Perhaps I should spill something on you. It looks very romantic.”

“You’ve already done that, asshole, and it’s never happening again.”  

It took a moment for Erwin to remember what Levi was talking about. Their first reunion all those month ago seemed like another life. But he laughed when he did, and Levi rolled his eyes, and somehow it ended up with the two of them leaning a little closer to each other.

Erwin noticed how the light of the coffee shop mingled with the outside sunlight to brighten Levi’s face. It seemed to accent his features, highlight the cut of his cheekbones and the line of his jaw. Erwin stared, and the moment stretched on in contented silence.  

“It’s nice to be out with you,” Erwin said eventually. “I’d like to take you out to dinner some time, if you’re comfortable with that.”

“Don’t see what makes being out so nice,” Levi said. “I can’t make out with you, and there are awkward kids.”

“The kids are cute. And I owe you a make-out session.”

“Hmm.” Levi glanced to the side and seemed to consider the idea. “No,” he said eventually. Erwin expected as much, though it was still disappointing. But then Levi surprised him by saying, “I’ll take you out instead.”

Erwin simply raised his eyebrows in confusion and allowed Levi to explain.

“If you take me out, it’s going to be all romantic bullshit. Some classy restaurant with live violins and waiters in suits and food that’s all in French. You’re going to try to pull out my chair and insist on paying for everything. Don’t try to deny it.”

Well, none of what Levi described sounded particularly bad to Erwin, so he was probably right. Erwin shrugged in concession.

“I don’t want that. I’ll take you out.”

“Even if I promise there’ll be no French food or violins?”

“I want to pay.”

Well, that went against all of Erwin’s instinct. He opened his mouth, ready to voice a protests.  

“No. No protests. I’m going to pay for you, and you’re going to get over it.”

Erwin sighed, but he couldn’t help smiling at Levi’s authoritative tone. After all, he couldn’t be too disappointed. He was getting more from Levi than he had expected today. “If you insist.”

“I do.”

And that was how the two of them set up their first real date.

*****

Levi supposed this was the way most teenagers felt on their first dates. He’d never had that experience, so he wouldn’t know. But his stomach felt a little queasy, and his palms stayed sweaty no matter how many times he wiped them on his pants.

It was complete bullshit. He and Erwin had already been spending a ton of time together for almost three months. And now they were finally going on their first date. They were doing everything backwards, but because it was backwards, Levi should have nothing to fear. They already knew that they got along well, so the date would probably go fine. So why the hell did he feel as flustered as those idiot kids from the coffee shop?

Not that Levi was nervous about how the date would go, at least not much. It was Erwin, and talking to Erwin was easy. He felt more uncomfortable with the idea of dating itself. Because if they went on a nice date, that meant their relationship was real. And if it was real, Erwin could hurt him.

That being said, by this point Erwin could hurt him whether the relationship was “real” or not. Might as well put the nail in the fucking coffin.

That was Levi’s thought as he knocked on Erwin’s door the following Friday night. Levi heard footsteps approaching and Erwin’s voice saying something to Mike, and he had just enough time to wipe his palms once again before the door opened.

Erwin wore a navy blue blazer that made him look surprisingly sophisticated. His hair had been freshly parted, and Levi could smell a faint, musky scent that had to have been cologne.

“Good evening,” Erwin said. “You look lovely.” A gentle smile lit up his features, and something fluttered in Levi’s chest.

“You . . .” Levi’s voice faltered. He swallowed and tried again. “You look pretty ok yourself.”

“Thank you.” Erwin bent down for a gentle peck on the lips. It was no different than the kiss he got every time Levi saw him, but for some reason this one made Levi’s heart jolt. It didn’t help that Erwin smiled more than usual, something like adoration in his gaze.  “Shall we?” Erwin asked.

“Uh, sure.”

They exited onto the street and into a clear night, the first spring night warm enough to walk outside without a jacket. Being out tonight felt beautiful. Levi glanced up at Erwin and his heart jolted again – from nerves or happiness, he couldn’t really tell.  

Erwin’s hand bumped against Levi’s. He thought it was an accident until their hands bumped again, and then Levi understood the unsaid question. Dating was one thing, but holding hands on the way to that date may be going a little too far.

Levi looked around. Satisfied that there weren’t many onlookers, he conceded to Erwin’s request. Their fingers locked together and his hand practically disappeared inside Erwin’s. It felt pretty ok. But Levi still pulled away when they stepped out of the residential area and onto the busy main street.

“It’s about three blocks away,” Levi said. “Close enough to walk.”

“Good. It’s a lovely night for a walk.”

The sidewalks were crowded, much more so than they had been during the cold winter months. Light poured out of shop windows, bathing the sidewalk in a cheerful yellow glow. Bursts of laughter traveled out of restaurants and floated across the street. Levi had rarely seen this city in such a happy state. Maybe it was the warmer weather. Or maybe the person next to him just made everything seem more positive. But Erwin was right. It certainly was a lovely night for a walk.          

“Where are we going?” Erwin asked.

“You’ll see.” 

“Are you surprising me?”

“Yup.”

“Wonderful.”

Levi had humbled himself enough to ask Hanji for suggestions. That was literally the only source on date-worthy restaurants that he could think of short of combing through Yelp. Luckily, Hanji went on dates with Petra all the time and seemed to know every restaurant in the area. With their help, he narrowed it down to a nearby seafood restaurant. He figured that would make Erwin happy; Erwin loved fish, but Levi refused to cook it for their dinners because he didn’t want the smell in his apartment.

As they walked, Levi tried to ignore the stupid fear that still sat in his chest. Erwin, whenever Levi stole a glance at him, had the most obnoxiously endearing expression of contentment on his face. He almost looked sleepy. Levi had to turn away quickly to keep himself from staring.

The restaurant, thankfully, was a nice as Hanji had promised. It wasn’t too fancy, but it was good date material nevertheless, with cream-colored walls, blue accents and paintings of the ocean scattered throughout. They were seated at a small corner table overlooked by one of these paintings. The light was dim here, and Levi could hear soft classical music playing through the speakers.  

The whole setting – the music, the lighting, the fact that they were _on a fucking date_ – had a dreamlike quality. But that, in a way, made it better. It didn’t feel real, and so Levi didn’t have to acknowledge that it was.

And the weirdness did fade, eventually. Once they had made their orders and settled in, the two of them began talking just as they always did, sharing stories from their days in between trading joking insults. Their conversation felt comfortable and natural. Just as right as it did when they were alone in Levi’s apartment.

Afterwards, Levi could never say what, exactly, they talked about. But all the physical details of the night stayed permanently in his memory. Years later, he would remember the way the dim light highlighted Erwin’s features and the soothing, low sound of his voice. He would be able to see the colors in the painting and the exact shape of their glasses and plates, and he even remembered what the food tasted like. Years later, he would remember every beautiful detail.

Of course, the night was so beautiful that it just had to be fucked up somehow.

Levi noticed Nile Dawk entering the restaurant, but Erwin sat with his back to the door. He considered mentioning something to Erwin, but that consideration was brief. He didn’t care nearly enough, and he definitely didn’t want Erwin to do the polite thing and say hi. Their conversation was going well, and Levi had no intention of interrupting it. 

Nile had a woman with him, but she didn’t stand out much to Levi. She had brown hair and green eyes and was kind of pretty, but in a conventional sort of way. Levi had already forgotten about her when she spoke in a loud voice that cut right through their conversation.

“Erwin? Erwin Smith is that you?”

Erwin stopped speaking mid-sentence. He froze, his mouth gaping open. Levi thought he almost looked afraid.

But he turned around and looked up at Nile’s date and said in voice that sounded pleasantly surprised, “Marie?”

“Oh my goodness, I can’t believe it’s you,” the woman said. She, clearly, had none of the trepidation that Erwin seemed to feel.

“It’s quite a surprise to see you here, too,” Erwin replied politely.

“Wait,” Nile jut in. “You two know each other?”

“Oh, yes,” the woman—Marie—said. “We, um, we actually dated for a few years.”

_Dated for a few years._

Levi suddenly felt a little dizzy. Sure, he had guessed that Erwin probably dated during their four years apart. But it was one thing to have that theory and another thing altogether to have it confirmed.

Now he looked at Marie a little more intently. She certainly was attractive – she had pretty eyes and a nice smile, and curves that would probably be really great if you were into that sort of thing. But it was a very boring type of pretty, and the longer Levi looked at her, the uglier she seemed.

She and Erwin were having some sort of polite conversation, but Levi was too busy sizing her up to listen. He watched as she smiled and laughed and made easy conversation – she seemed so pleasant. It made Levi sick.

He was so focused on studying her that he started when Erwin said his name. “This is Levi. My . . .” he hesitated, unsure what to call Levi. “. . . my date. Levi, this is my friend Nile, who you might remember, and Marie, his date.”

 _Your former date and your ex-girlfriend,_ Levi thought. He nodded at them briefly and said, “Hi.” That was about all the politeness he could manage.

“Oh, nice to meet you,” Marie said. But Levi noticed the two of them giving him a close look. Marie pursed her lips a little as she completed her inspection.

“Well, we’ll leave you alone to enjoy your dinner,” Marie was saying. “But I’m glad we ran into you. Nice to see you’re doing well.”

Erwin said something equally polite, and then Erwin’s two exes walked away together. Once they were gone, Erwin sank back into his seat and his polite mask dropped. In its place was a blank, somewhat tired look.

“Well,” Levi said. “That was awkward.” His meal suddenly lost its appeal. He didn’t feel like he had much of an appetite left.

“Levi I’m so, so sorry that happened,” Erwin said.

“Why are you sorry? It’s their fault for interrupting us.”

“Still, I’m so sorry you had to be subjected to that.”

Levi shrugged. “It’s not a big deal. It was probably much worse for you than me,” he said, and he hoped it was convincing. In reality, he was starting to feel weird and jittery and, oddly, angry.

They tried to start up their conversation again, but the anger was growing and Levi needed to get away from the table, at least until he stopped feeling so weird. So he made excuses about needing to use the bathroom and left before Erwin could suspect what was wrong.

It was stupid, but the encounter with Marie kept replaying in his mind. A few years, Marie had said. That was a long time. That meant a serious relationship. But how on earth could Erwin be serious with her? She seemed so vapid. And unpleasant. And just generally shitty. (How dare she purse her lips at him like that?)

Levi tried to imagine the two of them together, but that just made him angrier. He was angry that Erwin had wasted his time with her. Angry that she had wasted Erwin’s time. Angry that someone so annoying had gotten years of Erwin’s life. (And really fucking angry about those pursed lips.)

The bathroom was empty, thankfully, and, since Levi didn’t actually have to go, he stopped in front of the mirror. He wasn’t the type to spend a lot of time looking at himself, but now he paused to consider his appearance. His narrow nose, thin lips, small and bland-colored eyes, tiny chin, pale skin. And the undercut that he’d had since college—should he change that? Get his hair in a shorter, more normal cut?

Whatever he did with his hair, it wouldn’t change the primary feature of his appearance—scrawniness. Every bit of him was scrawny. Not like Marie’s curves or Nile’s tall, masculine figure.

(Sure, Erwin was with him now, but realistically, given the kinds of people Erwin had experience with, how long could that last?)

The door opened, so Levi straightened up and started washing his hands to make it look like he was doing something normal. It was a good thing he did – Erwin walked through that door and came to stand behind him. Levi watched in the mirror as he approached.

“Is everything okay? You got up kind of suddenly.”

“I’m not getting sick, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“No, I didn’t think you were.” Levi kept his eyes on the mirror, but he saw Erwin smile. He quickly turned away from that smile, grabbing a paper towel from the dispenser in the wall. For some reason, Levi didn’t feel as delighted by that smile as he had earlier in the night.

“How are you feeling?” Erwin asked.

“Fine. I just needed to piss.”

“I don’t mean physically.”

“Fucking hell.” Levi rolled his eyes. “I’m fine, Erwin. I don’t even care about your exes. But now I guess I know not to piss during potentially emotional moments or you’ll start to read too much into it.” He tossed the paper towel in the trash and finally turned to face Erwin.

“I’m sorry,” Erwin said. “Perhaps I do read too much into things.”

Levi gave a shrug that he hoped looked indifferent. “Doesn’t matter. Ready to go back to the table?”

In response, Erwin closed the distance between them and cradled Levi’s cheek in his hand. The touch comforted Levi against his will. “That’s not how I wanted you learn about Marie,” Erwin said. “But I can tell you about her now, if you’d like.”

Levi glanced at their reflection in the mirror. Erwin’s hand dwarfed his face, and his stature towered over Levi’s. Next to Erwin, Levi’s scrawniness was emphasized. 

“No. I think she’s already taken up enough of our time,” Levi said.

“She really has, hasn’t she?” Erwin said. “And I would like to focus on just you for the rest of the night. Perhaps later, then.”

“Whatever,” Levi said.  

And Erwin bent down to kiss him, quick but sweet.

“A kiss in a bathroom,” Levi said. “How romantic.”

 “I could kiss you anywhere,” Erwin said.

Sweet words. But for some reason, Levi had trouble believing them.

*****

Erwin tried to resume their conversation where they had left off, but it was awkward, and Levi felt distant. The thought of Marie kept encroaching on his mind. It was stupid, he knew. Erwin clearly hadn’t been excited to see her, so he was clearly not still interested in her. But still. Perhaps it was his broken mind, but Levi couldn’t imagine Erwin staying long with someone like him when he had attractive people like Marie to choose from.

If they had kept this relationship casual, Levi would never have had to worry about this. He should have known better than to go out on a date.

Their walk back after the dinner felt distinctly different from the walk there. The crowds had thinned out and the warm store lights had all turned off, leaving the street empty and cold. They walked without speaking, and Levi refused Erwin’s silent request to hold hands.

Levi’s street came up before Erwin’s. They stopped there, and Levi expected Erwin to say goodnight. But instead Erwin nodded towards Levi’s street and asked, “Would you like to spend more time together?”

Levi shrugged. He wasn’t sure he wanted any more Erwin this night. He already felt anxious, and he kind of wanted to be alone and consider whether or not it was time for another sudden break-up. “Would you?” he asked.

Erwin nodded. “I would, if you’re comfortable with it.”

Levi opened his mouth to say no, but instead heard himself say, “Sure.”

It looked like he wasn’t quite ready to end it, after all.  

When they arrived, Levi tried to see his apartment as Erwin might see it. It was immaculately clean, but it was also small and cramped. The decor was unimpressive; Levi had mostly gone with the cheapest stuff that matched. That meant lots second-hand furniture in bland grays and whites, and for the most part Levi had skipped putting up decorations. It looked awful. He wondered what Marie’s apartment looked like.

Erwin sat down while Levi got out a bottle of white wine that was left over from their last dinner together. He accepted it gratefully when Levi poured him a glass.

“How did you know I wanted some? You’re starting to be able to read my mind.”

“I got the wine because I wanted it. Not everything’s about you,” Levi replied. He poured himself a glass and then sat down next to Erwin.

“Well, then our desires are starting to align.” Erwin held the wine in his left hand and wrapped his right around Levi’s middle, pulling him closer. Levi instinctively moved into the hold, but he couldn’t quite relax, and when Erwin gave him a kiss and he couldn’t return the enthusiasm.

And, unfortunately, Erwin noticed. “Is something wrong?”        

Levi took a sip of his wine while he considered what to say. He wasn’t about to say yes, but it’d be a lie if he said no. So instead of answering, Levi said, “Tell me about Marie.”

Erwin looked at him with concern. He gave Levi a kiss on the temple and said, “Are you sure? You seemed very against the idea earlier.”

Levi nodded. “I’m sure. Just give me a summary. Maybe spend a lot of time on the break-up.”

Erwin laughed quietly. “Levi, she means absolutely nothing to me now.”

“Yeah, tell me all about that.”

So Erwin gave him another kiss, and then he obliged.

“Well, I met her the summer after our graduation. I took an internship in a courthouse for that summer, and she was the other intern there.” He smiled a little at the memory. Levi felt some of that evening’s anger starting to return.

“She was also interested in law school, though she intended to take a year off to work first. She was bright and enthusiastic, and at the time, I thought she was exactly what I was looking for. We were together for three years, but it was never exactly an easy relationship. She never ended up going to law school. She found a position at a marketing firm and stayed there. I think watching me struggle through dissuaded her. The workload was certainly intense, and I tended to overachieve.”

“What a surprise,” Levi said, and Erwin chuckled.

“Anyway, it was tricky finding time for us among my studies. Whenever we did, our dynamic was great. We talked easily and enjoyed many of the same things. I promised her that once I got my law degree, I’d be all hers. I was even considering proposing after I graduated.”

 _Proposing_. “Why’d you dump her?”

“I didn’t. She dumped me.”

That startled Levi, and then the anger flared up again. He couldn’t believe it – how could she dump Erwin? How dare she? But it also made the anxiety flare up a little as well. If she had been the one to end it, then maybe Erwin didn’t agree with that decision. Maybe he still wanted her in some way. “What happened?”

“She was angry that I wasn’t giving her enough attention. My overachieving and my dedication to my work was too much for her to handle. See, she would often demand my time and drag me away from my work, and she threatened to leave if I refused her. Close to the end of law school, I took a stronger stand against her demands. She responded by making good on her threats. She broke up with me a couple days before my graduation.”

“She couldn’t even wait?”

“She couldn’t even wait.” 

“What a bitch.” Then, after a second, Levi added, “Though I guess I can’t talk.”

Erwin laughed, and he pulled Levi a little closer. “It seems I’ve had some pretty bad break-ups, haven’t I? But, thankfully, it all turned out for the best.”

“Did it?” Levi felt pathetic for even asking, but the question was out before he could stop himself.

“Certainly. The first one, it turns out, wasn’t permanent. And the second, well, Marie and I would have never worked out in the long run. I’m better without her.”

“You wouldn’t consider getting back with her?”

“No, I don’t believe I would. Levi.” Erwin absent-mindedly ran his hand up and down Levi’s side in a loving touch. “What I have now is ten times better than anything I ever had with Marie.”

Levi sighed. He drained his glass and then leaned his head against Erwin’s chest. It was a much more vulnerable position than he would normally choose to be in, but the wine made him sleepy and Erwin just felt so solid. “Marie was probably mentally stable, though,” he said, so quietly that he could barely be heard.

“You’ve been doing pretty well recently,” Erwin said. “But even if you hadn’t, I’d rather have you. I’d rather have you and all your struggles than anyone else in the world. Levi, I care for you. And for no one else.”

Levi almost scoffed at the sappy words, but when he looked up at Erwin, he couldn’t. Erwin’s gaze on him was so intense, so honest, so . . . so different than anything Levi had ever seen before. From anyone. And he had the distant realization that no one had ever to him like that before, either.   

They kissed, and Levi melted into Erwin’s touch, savored the comfort and reassurance in it. Tomorrow, the anxiety would probably set in again, and his broken brain would somehow manage to convince him that Erwin did not truly care for him. But tonight, Levi felt certain. He felt more certain than he had ever felt about anything in his life, and each brush of those lips reaffirmed that beautiful surety.

“Sleep with me,” Levi said when the parted. “Sleep with me. “Tonight. Right now. It’s . . . it’s the right time, first date and all. Please.”

Erwin met his gaze. His touch brushed against Levi’s cheek and jaw, came to rest light on the back of Levi’s necl. “Yes,” he said. Then he smiled and said again, “Yes. It is the right time.”

And he let Levi take his hand and lead him to the bedroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I dearly hope that everyone agrees that this was the best place to end the chapter. I just think that everything's just really been wrapped up and nothing else is really left to be anticipated. :D
> 
> Also I hope you enjoyed the cameo of my secondary snk otp! Fun trivia fact: This story is loosely inspired by the jeanmarco fic Wisteria. (Which is 100x better than this one and everyone needs to read it). So I thought I'd throw them in there. Just for fun.


	13. Kisses and Sweet Words

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, if your reading this right after the last chapter, you may notice that something funky is going on with the verb tenses. See, when I started this fic I wrote exclusively in past tense. Then in a couple one-shots I started experimenting with using the present tense because it seems like that's what all the cool kids are doing. And now I actually really prefer present tense. 
> 
> I had been trying really hard to keep this fic in past tense for the sake of consistency. But, well, for some reason it's especially hard for me to write . . . er, certain, um, types of . . . events . . . in the past tense. So when I wrote this chapter I kind of said "fuck it" (get it) and started writing in present tense. So from here to the end of the story, it'll be in present tense. Except for the flashbacks, which I kept in past tense in a desperate attempt to be artsy. 
> 
> As always, thank you very much to the copious amounts of lovely comments and the frankly overwhelming amount of kudos. 
> 
> Mild tw for hints of past abuse at the very end of the chapter. 
> 
> Other than that, enjoy some gross fluffy smut.

_The boy led Erwin to his dorm room, and Erwin followed in something of a daze. He didn’t do this too often – this spontaneous, one-night stand type of thing – but the boy was cute, and willing, and Erwin was a little drunk and perhaps not using his best judgment._

_The boy – Levi – started unlocking his room, but Erwin barely registered what was going on. He was mostly focused on Levi – Levi’s face and his silky hair and the cute butt that had been pacing before him._

_“Do you have a roommate?” Erwin asked, suddenly concerned._

_But Levi just said, “No,” and threw open the door._

_The next part got a little blurred. They didn’t bother to turn on the lights or walk to the bed. They were all over each other as soon as the door closed, a tangle of hands and tongues, shrugging off their own clothes and tearing off each other’s until, in a matter of less than a minute, they were both down to their boxers._

_Levi pulled away ten and headed to his bed. It was lofted up a few feet, so he had to do a little jump to get on it. Erwin watched that back arch and that butt wiggle as Levi pulled himself up._

_Erwin followed him easily. Levi was already pulling lube and a condom out of a dresser drawer next to his bed._

_“Isn’t it annoying to have your bed up so high?” Erwin asked._

_“The storage space is worth it,” he said. Then without warning, he reached over and pulled Erwin’s boxers down. Erwin gasped as cold air hit his half-hard penis. “Are we going to discuss my decorating, or are we going to do what we came here to do?”_

_Erwin smiled. He leaned over Levi, slowly moving forward until Levi was forced to lie back under him. Then he kissed him hard, running one hand up and down the smooth skin of his chest._

_“We’re going to do what we came here to do.”_

*****

Levi holds Erwin’s hand loosely as he leads the way to the bedroom, and Erwin follows in something of a daze. He can’t quite process that this is truly happening.

“My room looks kind of like a tomb. Sorry if it ruins your romantic mood,” Levi says as they enter his bedroom. Then he sits on the side of his bed and waits.

Erwin glances around him and smiles. If the living room is simple, it’s nothing compared to the bedroom. It holds a full-sized bed with gray bedding, a nightstand, and a bureau. The only decoration is one framed photograph of Levi and two people who Erwin assumes are Levi’s siblings. The room is sparse, but then again, he wouldn’t have expected anything else of Levi. And it’s very small, but in a cozy way, as though it’s their own little corner of the universe.

“I like it,” Erwin says.

“Well, you’re just weird.”

Erwin just sits down next to Levi, pulls him close with one arm, and kisses him. Levi’s thin lips brush against his, delicate as a flower. Whatever harshness Levi shows the world, Erwin knows by Levi’s kiss that he has gentleness in him.

They break apart. Erwin hovers over Levi, staring at those lips, waiting for a chance to kiss again.

“Well,” Levi says, “There’s condoms and lube in the nightstand.”

Erwin’s snapped out of his daze, and suddenly his heartbeat quickens as the importance of this finally hits him. “Okay.”

Levi scoots back on the bed and pulls his socks off. Erwin watches him from the corner of his eye as he reaches over to the nightstand drawer. A bottle of lube and a box of condoms are in the front corner of the drawer, as if waiting. Erwin swallows hard as he pulls them out and puts them on the side of the nightstand, within reach.

Levi’s lying down on his back now. His head is turned to watch Erwin’s movements, and his hair is splayed across the pillow. He must have noticed some small change in Erwin’s demeanor, because he asks, “What, are you nervous or something? You were never nervous when we did this before.”

Erwin pushes himself backwards on the bed and turns around to face Levi better. “Well, I suppose past times weren’t as important.”

“Important? Tch. You afraid you won’t impress me?”

Erwin rests one arm beside Levi’s opposite shoulder so that he’s now leaning over Levi, staring at that perfect face from just a few inches away. Levi returns his gaze, gray eyes as clear and sharp as ice. The varying shades of gray in Levi’s eyes are amazing, with dark shadows near his pupils and a gray so light it’s almost white around the edges. Specks of the dark gray fan out into the lighter part, creating exquisite patterns. Erwin could stare at those eyes forever.

After a moment those eyes narrow, and Erwin realizes Levi’s expecting him to say something. “I . . . what?”

Levi laughs. Levi rarely laughs, and Erwin treasures the sound. It’s a quiet chuckle, dark and even and surprisingly delicate. Understated, like all his expressions of emotion, but joyful all the same.

“Come on and fuck me before you forget what you’re doing again, old man,” Levi says.

“I was looking at your eyes,” Erwin explains before kissing Levi. He straddles Levi’s hips to get a better angle.

“What the fuck is in my eyes that you’re so interested in?”

“They’re beautiful.”

Levi makes a dismissive noise that’s stifled when he’s kissed again. Then Erwin cups Levi’s cheek with his right hand and winds his fingers through the splayed-out hair. With his thumb, he traces patterns over Levi’s temple and cheekbone, down the beautifully smooth cheek. Erwin sighs, and he feels Levi echo him in a satisfied sigh of his own.

Levi’s hands travel along Erwin’s back, delicate little brushes reaching down to his hipbones and below. Then he moves his hands to Erwin’s shoulders and pushes on the blazer that Erwin still wears.

Erwin hears the message. He sits up and shrugs out of his blazer, tossing it on the floor and letting it fall in a heap. Then he reaches down to undo Levi’s tie. Levi only watches, silent and entranced, as Erwin works the knot and pulls it off Levi’s neck. Delicate hands return to tracing patterns along Erwin’s hips and thighs.

Levi’s tie joins Erwin’s jacket on the floor. With that out of the way, Erwin works down the buttons of Levi’s shirt. He hasn’t seen Levi’s body in four years, and he’s eager to end that.

Shirt and undershirt get tossed aside in a matter of seconds. Erwin sits back and drinks in the sight of Levi. He relives the fascination felt during their first time together four years ago. Levi’s small, but his body is perfectly proportioned, lean and lithe. Elegant but strong. In the past four years, he’s broadened out just barely. But he still looks very young, younger than he really is. It’s the body of a dancer. It’s the body of a prince. Erwin runs his hands up and down the soft, soft skin before bending over to worship it with his mouth.

“Mmm.” Levi hums, raising his arms over his head and stretching as Erwin places kisses across his chest. He traces a path over Levi’s collarbones, across his shoulders, down over his heartbeat. Takes a nipple in his mouth and enjoys the soft moan and squirm it elicits. Then lifts his lips to the hollow of Levi’s throat and sucks, feeling Levi’s breath hitch underneath him. He knows it’ll leave a mark, and that knowledge stirs something in Erwin. He doesn’t move on until he’s sure it’ll stand out.

Once he’s satisfied, he turns his attention back to Levi’s torso, placing caressing kisses on Levi’s ribs and across his stomach. When he reaches the lower part of Levi’s belly, he hears that rare, precious laugh. It only grows stronger the more kisses Erwin leaves.

Erwin smiles. “I didn’t know you were ticklish,” he murmurs against Levi’s belly button, and then he returns to his administrations.

“I’m _not_ , that just . . . Christ, Erwin . . . that just feels weird . . . _stop_ ,” Levi gasps out between stifled laughter. Erwin, mercilessly, continues to brush his lips all across Levi’s tummy, down around his belly button and among the dark hairs that trail into his pants. Then he focuses on what appears to be the most sensitive area, right next to Levi’s belly button, and does all he can to make Levi squirm.

“Stooppppp,” Levi says, whining for what may be the first time in his life.

Erwin picks his head up just enough to meet Levi’s gaze. Levi’s already flushed, and he’s breathless from being tickled, and the sight makes Erwin’s heart warm. This is Levi with his defenses down, a version of Levi that the world doesn’t get to see. A version of Levi that’s his.

“You just have the cutest tummy.”

“Fucking hell, Erwin.”

Erwin gives Levi’s belly one last kiss and then sits back, ready to move on to undoing Levi’s belt.

“First, your shirt off,” Levi says. “Let’s make this fair.”              

Erwin keeps one hand on Levi’s belt buckle while he runs the other up Levi’s leg to squeeze at his thigh. “Very well,” he says.

Levi’s eyes stay on him, as if watching a show, while Erwin undoes his tie and unbuttons his shirt. They go to join the pile of clothes on the floor. When Erwin strips his undershirt off, Levi makes a soft noise of approval in the back of his throat, and his eyes travel slowly down Erwin’s torso. The look causes Erwin to shiver, and for a moment he’s too overwhelmed to continue. But the more Levi looks at him, the more Erwin wants to touch him, and he leans over to kiss Levi hard.

Levi moans softly and passes his hands over Erwin’s shoulders and back, fingers exploring every inch they can reach. In response, Erwin pushes his kiss deeper.

They separate with a loud smack, and Erwin moves to finish his work on Levi’s belt buckle. The belt gets thrown aside, and the pants pushed down. Erwin moves backwards to pull them off fully, and then they, too, are in the heap. When he turns around he finds that Levi’s still watching him hungrily.

Now Levi’s exposed but for his boxers. Tiny goosebumps perk up on the bare legs, and Erwin works to warm them. He runs his hands up and down Levi’s thighs, enjoying the soft skin and the suppleness when he squeezes them. Then he picks up Levi’s left leg and kisses it, starting at his calf and working his way up.

“Fuck, are you going to kiss every inch of me tonight?”

Erwin lays his leg back down on the bed. “I’d certainly like to,” he says.

“God—ah,” Levi breathes as Erwin leans down and mouths at the inside of his thigh. He gently holds Levi’s hips while he presses his lips into every inch of the sweet skin there. Then he chooses one spot and sucks while Levi squirms.

“Jesus—unnn.” Levi tries to pull his leg away, but Erwin moves his hand to stay him. He wraps his palm around Levi’s outer thigh and digs his fingers in, keeping Levi in his place.When Erwin finally finishes with Levi’s thigh, the skin is already dark and red. He pushes himself up a little to hover over Levi’s boxers, the fabric bulging around Levi’s erection. The sight causes a warmth to pool in the pit of his stomach, and Erwin’s tempted to just take Levi right then. But more than that, he wants to drag this night out as long as possible. Erwin mouths over the clothed erection, breathing to cover it with his heat.

“Fucking hell,” Levi gasps. “Just _fuck_ me already.”

Erwin slides Levi’s boxers off, the hard cock popping out. It’s already dripping from the tip. Erwin continues working on his goal of kissing every inch of Levi—he nuzzles Levi’s balls and leaves a trail of soft kisses up his shaft.

“Fuck . . . _fuck_ ,” Levi cries, and the sound makes Erwin’s cock twitch. Erwin kisses Levi’s tip and licks up a tiny bit of pre-come before allowing himself to sit back and look at Levi properly.

Levi’s face in flushed, mouth gaping open as he pants and eyelids drooping so low they’re nearly closed. His hair is a tangled mess above his head.

“So beautiful,” Erwin murmurs, running his hand up and down Levi’s leg.

“Shut up and fuck me,” Levi says. The slur of his arousal takes some of the bite off his words.

“As you wish.” Erwin slides his hand down and gives Levi’s ass a little squeeze before quickly taking his own pants off. The underwear follows, and Levi’s eyes travel downwards.

“I forgot how unnecessarily big you were,” Levi says.

Erwin flushes a little, but it also makes the heat in his stomach grow stronger. “Thank you.”

Levi makes a dismissive noise, but he accepts it when Erwin leans down to kiss him again. Then Erwin grabs the lube and the condom that wait on the nightstand. When he sits up, Levi is watching him eagerly. His gaze remains intent as Erwin dips his fingers into the lube.

“Ready? I’m going to open you up.”

Levi spreads his legs apart, knees up and bent. Erwin can see Levi’s opening and finds himself staring.

“Just hurry up with it. I want you inside me,” Levi says.

“I don’t intend to hurry up with anything tonight,” Erwin says. And he slides one finger into Levi.

Levi’s moaning as soon as he touches the entrance, and his reaction spurs Erwin on. He circles his finger around Levi’s hole, pushing in as far as he can while Levi’s slender body wriggles and his cock drips. He’s so unbelievably gorgeous. Erwin inserts a second finger and watches Levi’s back arch and his mouth drop open.

“You’re so beautiful,” Erwin says again. He presses his fingers against Levi’s walls and makes Levi gasp when he scissors them. “So beautiful.”

“Ah . . . shut up,” Levi pants.

“Why? It’s true.”

“Less talking . . . more fucking.”

Erwin pulls his fingers out to add a little more lube. He sees Levi’s hole clench at the loss. “Why can’t we do a little of both?” Then he slides three fingers into Levi.

“Fuck, I don’t need . . . these many . . . fingers. God damn, Erwin.”

“I just want to be sure you’re ready.”

“I’m not a fucking virgin.”

“But I am, apparently, unnecessarily big.”

“Don’t let . . . hnggg . . . don’t let it go to your head.”

Erwin chuckles. “Oh, no. I completely understand that it’s not the size, but how you use it.”

“Then show me how you fucking use it.”

Erwin spreads his fingers inside Levi once more before obeying.

He tears open the condom packet and hurries to roll it on and lather it in lube. Then he slides his knees closer so that they’re under Levi’s thighs. With his left hand, he lifts Levi’s ass a little higher, and he holds Levi’s hip with his right. Levi is watching him again, more intently than ever, as he lines up his cock with Levi’s entrance.

“Ready?”

“Very.”

Erwin pushes slightly against Levi’s hole, and already Levi’s head is thrown back and his eyes are shut. Stirred by Levi’s reaction, Erwin pushes in just a little further. Now it’s Erwin’s turn to moan as the pressure and heat of Levi close in around him.

Still moving slowly, Erwin pushes in a few inches more. Levi surrounds Erwin in the most exquisite way, and he feels himself flush all over. He’s sighing as he thrusts in a second time, then moaning at how Levi feels around him. Levi moans as well, and their voices mingle in a duet of pleasure.

“Oh, Levi,” Erwin murmurs in response. Levi’s hips wriggle in Erwin’s hold, the soft skin and sharp bone shifting beautifully under his fingers. “So . . . lovely,” Erwin pants.

“Hnng, just . . . ah . . . be quiet.” Levi’s delicate fingers clench the bed sheets, long neck and narrow shoulders bared as his back arches.

“No,” Erwin says, and he begins running his hands up and down Levi’s sides, across his hips and down his thighs. Savoring every inch. “No, I think I want to talk. I think I want to tell you just how perfect you are.” He begins thrusting a little more steadily, developing a rhythm, though he’s still moving slowly. He wants to drag this out as long as possible.

Levi says nothing, only moans again as Erwin thrusts in still deeper. His hips role in time to Erwin’s every movement.

“You can’t imagine . . . mm . . . you can’t imagine how good you look right now,” Erwin says between moans. “Your skin, and . . . your face, and, oh . . .” Erwin runs his fingers up the length of Levi’s shaft. “Your sweet cock.”

“Even in . .. _god_ . . . even in bed you’re a disgusting sap.”

“And what about you?” Erwin murmurs. He picks up his pace a little, just enough to keep Levi satisfied. “Even … mm … even in bed, can you spare no sweet words for?”

“You’re uh . . . hnng, shit . . . well, you’re pretty good in bed.”

“And what else?” Erwin again drags his fingers across Levi’s cock, pausing at the slit and teasing him with his touch.

“Ah, you’re . . . oh my _god_ , stop that . . . you’re pretty . . .”

“Pretty what?” Now Erwin moves to Levi’s balls, cupping them and massaging them between his fingers.

“ _Oh my god_ . . . pretty infuriating.”

“And if I’m only . . . mm . . . if I’m only infuriating, why are you enjoying this so much?” Erwin returns his hand to Levi’s cock, pumping it up and down around it in slow, even strokes that compliment his thrusts. “I must be something more than infuriating.”

“Yeah, good in bed.”

Erwin drops his hand away and slows his motions to almost a stop. Levi gasps at the sudden absence. “Nothing more?”

Levi glares at Erwin. “What the fuck?”

“No more sweetness for you until you give a little sweetness to me,” Erwin teases.

“Fucking hell. I shouldn’t have to say it.” He closes his eyes again and turns his head slightly to the side. “Anyone can see how fucking beautiful you are.” Then Levi opens his eyes again, turning his head just enough to see Erwin’s reaction. Erwin smiles, and then he picks up the pace.

He returns to stroking Levi’s cock, causing Levi to shout. Each thrust, and each movement of Levi underneath him, unravels Erwin just a little more until he’s shouting, too. Their voices twine together above them while their bodies twine together below. Erwin bends down to hold Levi, peppers kisses along his neck and collarbone. With both hands, he feels Levi’s every movement. He can feel Levi’s breath, every shift of his body. Erwin drinks in every detail until, with one final shout, Levi comes.

He tenses around Erwin through the orgasm, and that’s enough to push Erwin over the edge, too. He feels himself spill into Levi and hears himself crying out as if from a distance as one final, incomprehensible wave of bliss washes over him.

Then a moment passes, and then another, the two of them collapsed against each other. Erwin can feel Levi’s heartbeat, and he listens to it slow in time with his.

When he opens his eyes, Levi’s watching him through heavy lids. That gaze stays on him as Erwin sits up.

The world feels unfocused, but Levi’s crystal clear. Levi has a dazed, fucked-out expression and tangled hair. Levi’s face is still red. Levi is perfect.

Erwin kisses Levi’s raised knee, wrapping one hand around his calf. “Thank you,” he murmurs.

“Why are you thanking me? You did all the work.”

Erwin just looks at Levi and smiles. He can’t remember the last time he felt so perfectly happy.

“I’ll get a towel to clean you off,” he says.

“Mm. Okay.” Levi says. He’s smiling, too.

Erwin crosses the hall to the bathroom, where he throws out his condom and grabs a towel. Levi’s still in the same position when he returns, and he stays still while Erwin wipes him up.

“So,” Levi says. “Was that having ‘making love’ like you said you wanted it to be?”

Erwin wipes up the last bit of come from Levi’s stomach. Then he leans down to kiss him. “That was making love,” he murmurs before another quick kiss. “Definitely making love.”

“I thought so, too.” Levi closes his eyes and stretches out on the bed, curling his arms above his head and pointing his toes. Erwin watches the lean body, mesmerized. “I’m gonna take a shower,” he says.

“Okay.”

Levi stands. He’s more composed now, face no longer flushed, but his hair’s still a gorgeous mess. “Are you going to join?” he asks.

“Of course.”

*****

_Levi woke up pressed against the concrete wall of his dorm room. Erwin had initiallt kept to the far edge of the small twin bed, but it seemed that couldn’t last. The asshole slept on his back, apparently, and now his broad shoulders took up the entire bed._

_Levi somehow managed to wriggle out from under his massive bulk and sit up. He looked down at the boy next to him and vaguely wondered why he had invited Erwin to stay the night. He usually didn’t do that with the people he slept with. Then again, he also usually didn’t sleep with the same person several times in a row._

_It was an odd thing, seeing this guy sleep.  He was usually so composed. But no one looks composed while sleeping. His neat blond hair was disheveled against Levi’s pillow, and he wheezed a little as he breathed in and out through an open mouth. It was kind of . . . endearing, in a way. Levi wanted to touch him. He held himself back._

_It was weird. They shared a bed, shared their bodies in the most intimate way possible, but when Erwin woke up, he’d be gone again._

_For the first time, Levi found himself wishing he wouldn’t be._

*****

Levi wakes up the next morning, and he feels warm. At first, he doesn’t remember why. But it’s a warmth that seems to come from the inside out, and he wakes up already inexplicably happy.

Then the memories come back, a stream of lovely pictures and even lovelier feelings. He sits up and looks at Erwin, still sound asleep. Tufts of hair stick up on the pillow, and he breathes loudly through an open mouth. Levi runs a finger lightly down Erwin’s cheek.

He slides out of bed then, careful not to wake Erwin, and crosses the hall to the bathroom. He’s still naked—neither of them bothered to get dressed last night. Now, after relieving himself, Levi surveys his reflection in the mirror. His hair looks awful, and he tries to tame it with his fingers while his eyes scan the rest of his body. Levi’s always thought of himself as scrawny and physically average. But Erwin, for some odd reason, likes him like that. And he has a dark red mark on the hollow of his throat to prove it.

There’s another one, so light it’s hard to see, on his stomach, right next to his belly button. Levi remembers Erwin’s lips tickling him there and sighs.

Another one, darker than the other two combined, on the inside of his left thigh. Levi props his leg up on the toilet to look at it. He brushes his fingers over the mark and smiles.

Erwin’s still asleep when he returns to the bedroom. He climbs in bed carefully and curls up facing Erwin, allowing himself to doze.

Levi’s almost asleep again when an arm wraps around his back and pulls him close. The sudden touch doesn’t startle him, though. It feels expected, natural.

“Good morning,” Erwin mumbles into Levi’s hair.

“Morning,” Levi mutters. He presses his face against Erwin’s chest and breathes in the scent of him.

“How’d you sleep?” Erwin rubs his hand up and down Levi’s back in a soothing motion that nearly lulls Levi back to sleep again.

“Good.” With one hand, Levi traces patters over Erwin’s broad chest and the muscles of his stomach. “You?”

“Like a dream,” Erwin says.

“Mm. That’s good.”

Erwin kisses the top of his head. “It is,” he says softly.

“You sticking around today?” Levi asks. His hand drops to Erwin’s hipbone and rests there.

“I think I am, yes,” Erwin says. “I don’t think very much could convince me to go.”

Levi positions himself just a little bit closer to Erwin’s body. “Good.”

*****

Isabel’s looking up at Levi with big, quizzical eyes. “You’re not letting him go again, are you?” she asks.

“What?”

But instead of responding, Isabel returns to feeding her pet bird.

“You’re . . . you can’t be here. You’re dead,” Levi says.

Isabel giggles. “I know that, silly.”

“Then what are you doing here?”

She finishes her task and bounds over to Levi, slinging an arm around his shoulders. “I’m just telling you that you shouldn’t let him go. But you know that, right?”

Tires screech, and something smells like burning. Isabel’s eyes go wide with fear, and she’s wrenched away. Her body is thrown through the air while Levi watches. Then she’s lying on the pavement, a pool of blood like a halo around her head.

“Isabel!” Levi screams. “Isabel!” But she’s already gone. In her place is nothing but an empty flower pot in a cold, blue room.      

“You don’t get shit,” someone says behind him. Levi whirls around to see Kenny Ackerman lounging on a chair.

“You don’t get shit,” he says again. He’s smiling. Kenny Ackerman only smiles when something terrible is about to happen. Levi starts backing away, but he never gets any further from his adoptive father.

“You think someone’s just going to take you in and love you?” he continues, and now he’s saying words Levi knows well. Words he’s heard before. “You think someone’s going to show you affection just for the hell of it? You’re a parentless brat, a scrawny nobody, and no one could care about you if they tried. You should be thankful I was kind enough to give you a home.”

Kenny stands up, and Levi tries to run. But he can’t move. Kenny’s coming towards him, his hand raised, and Levi can’t move, can’t run, can’t –

Darkness. Levi sits up, panting, his heart beating fast.  He looks around him, but there’s no Kenny. No Isabel, either. Only the lights from under his curtains and the shadowy shapes of his bedroom.

Dream. It was just a dream. He’s in his bed, it’s nighttime, and Erwin is sleeping over tonight.

Levi reaches a hand out to where Erwin should be, but the spot next to him is empty.

“Erwin?” He can barely see in the dark, so he pats the bed next to him, hoping to feel Erwin’s sleeping form. “Erwin?” A hollow fear spreads through his gut. He’s gone. Erwin’s somehow gone, left in the middle of the night. Levi feels his breathing get shorter. He sees his adoptive father leering at him from his memory. “Erwin!”  

Across the hall, the toilet flushes. Levi stops his frantic search, takes deep breaths as his fear subsides. He could smack himself for being so stupid. But in his confused, half-asleep state, the fact that Erwin could just be in the bathroom hadn’t occurred to him.

Levi lies back down. His heart rate is still going crazy, but the panic, at least, is gone. Levi closes his eyes, but he only sees Kenny Ackerman’s face when he does so, or Isabel lying in a pool of blood. He keeps them open.

Erwin returns to the bedroom, and Levi watches his shadowy form as he crosses to the other side of the bed and lies back down. Levi turns to face him as he settles under the covers.

“Levi? Are you up? Is something wrong?” Erwin asks in the darkness.

“No, nothing,” Levi lies. “Just a nightmare.”

Erwin pulls him close and kisses his temple. Levi wants to relax into the hold, but he keeps hearing Kenny’s words.

“It was just a dream,” Erwin says. “It’s alright.”

“I know, I’m not some kid you need to comfort,” Levi says.

Erwin kisses him again before letting go. “Kid or not, nightmares are awful.”

“You’re right about that.”

“Just a dream,” Erwin says again. “None of it’s real.”

“None of it’s real,” Levi repeats quietly to himself. He moves a little closer to Erwin. “Goodnight.”

“Sleep well, beautiful.”

And Levi does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Awwwww they're so gross <3
> 
> Ok so, we're actually getting into the homestretch with this fic, believe it or not. There will probably be four more chapters, and they're all already drafted. If all goes according to plan, there should be an update every week/two weeks, and this will be done in two months tops.
> 
> Because I'm a pathetic nerd who is literally always thinking about eruri, and because my brain is basically a headcanon factory, I have like 5019283190274839 ideas for my next novel-length eruri fic. I've narrowed it down to three. But I cannot narrow it down any more than that. 
> 
> Sooooo I was kind of thinking that it might be fun to do a poll? Like I can describe the three ideas and then you guys can vote for which one you want to read most? Would people be interested in that? Do I have enough readers that people would actually vote?? Am I just overestimating how much people actually care what I write?


	14. Cookouts and a few words

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks as always for the lovely nice comments and the frankly ridiculous amount of kudos. You guys are my favorites. Enjoy the chapter <3

Erwin used to measure the passing of time by the days of the week. Now, he measures it by Levi.

On Fridays, he falls asleep by Levi’s side. Saturdays he wakes up next to him, and they lie awake together, listening to each other’s breathing and feeling each other’s skin. Saturday nights they’re in bed with to each other again, and Sunday mornings they make each other breakfast. Then with Monday comes a break from Levi and a blur of days overwhelmed by the demands of his work. But even these days are broken up by text conversations and occasional dinners, little points of clarity in the blur that help him keep track of the passage of time. And eventually Friday comes, and the cycle begins again.

Erwin starts keeping a spare toothbrush and some clothes at Levi’s apartment. Dates in public gradually grow more comfortable. They have yet to become official, but that’s more of a matter of semantics than anything. In everything but name only, they’re a couple.

The relationship stretches into the peaceful days of summer - days Levi apparently hates because of the sun and the warmth. He’s complaining about the heat as they make dinner together one night in late June, grouching over how the additional warmth from the stove makes it all too much to bear.

“Summer is disgusting,” Levi says, glaring at the pot he’s stirring as if it’s personally offending him. “Everything about it is disgusting.”

“I don’t mind it too much. I have to say, I’d rather be hot than cold,” Erwin says.             

“No. I need to be cold. Like my cold heart,” Levi deadpans. Erwin has to laugh at that. He wraps an arm around Levi’s waist and pulls him close, kissing the top of his head.

“Not true. You have a warm heart, you can’t fool me.”

 “Stop that, stop that.” Levi squirms to get away from him. “My spoon’s dripping all over the floor.”

Erwin lets him go out of respect for Levi’s cleanliness, though the cheese sauce that was apparently getting “all over” has only left two tiny drops on the kitchen tile.

Levi quickly wipes it up with a paper towel and then returns to stirring his sauce. Meanwhile, Erwin checks on a pot of pasta cooking on the other burner. They’re making homemade macaroni and cheese. It’s a recipe they’ve done many times before, and one that’s become a favorite of theirs.

“It looks like the pasta’s done,” Erwin says. He reaches to turn the heat off.

“And the cheese sauce is almost done.”

“Look at that. We’re becoming pros at timing this.”

“Apparently.”

Erwin drains the pasta and puts it in a casserole dish. By the time he brings it back to the counter, the cheese sauce is ready to pour on. Perfect timing.

As Erwin stirs in the cheese sauce, Levi begins browning breadcrumbs in a skillet. They work in an easy silence for a while until Erwin eventually breaks it with a question.

“Levi, are you doing anything for the Fourth of July?”

“Do I look patriotic to you?”

Erwin chuckles. “Well, how would you feel about coming to my family’s Fourth of July cookout?”

Levi just stares at him, affronted that he’d even be asked that question.

“Not as my date, if you don’t feel ready for that. We can say you’re a friend,” Erwin says, though it pains him to say it. He’s still anxiously awaiting the day they officially proclaim their relationship. “It’s a very casual affair. People tend to bring friends.”

Levi looks back at the breadcrumbs. “This is ready. Is the pasta?”

“Yes, it is.”

Erwin steps away and lets Levi sprinkle the breadcrumbs onto the mac and cheese. When it’s ready, he opens the oven door so Levi can slide the casserole dish inside.

“So why do you want me to go?” Levi asks.

Erwin sets the oven timer before answering. “To put it simply, because I like spending time with you.”

“Put it complicatedly.”

“It will be fun and I want you to meet my family.”

Levi sits down at the kitchen table, and Erwin sits across from him. There’s a fan next to Levi’s seat angled so that it blows directly onto Levi’s face, black bangs fluttering in the breeze. “Erwin, you know me pretty well,” he says. “So what the hell makes you think I’d have fun meeting a bunch of crusty old relatives over burgers and patriotism?”

It’s a good question, though put in a very colorful way. Erwin is fully aware that a family cookout is not Levi’s scene, and he’s mostly certain that Levi’s going to say no. But his family means a lot to him, and Levi means a lot to him, and he wants the two to meet. (And it’s just one step closer to an “official” relationship).

“The burgers are delicious,” Erwin replies. “And don’t worry, there isn’t really much patriotism.”

“We are far from the ‘meeting the parents’ stage.”

“You’re right, we’re are,” Erwin says. “And I would never want to push you into something that doesn’t feel right or comfortable with the kind of relationship we have. I will understand if you don’t want to go.”

Levi leans his head on his hand, putting the side of his face in full blast of the fan. His hair streams out to the side as if in a strong wind, and Erwin’s tempted to laugh at the image. Levi says something, but Erwin can’t hear it over the roar of the fan.

“What was that?”

Levi raises his voice. “I said I do owe you for the beach trip.”        

The previous weekend, Erwin had one of the most disastrous ideas of their relationship: going to the beach. Levi had initially said he didn’t like the beach, but he hadn’t been in years and Erwin convinced him to give it shot. After arriving and setting up, Levi began the futile task of getting the sand out of all of their belongings. Upon realizing that the sand would not go away no matter how hard he tried, Levi resigned himself to sitting firmly in the middle of the blanket (far away from the sand), constantly lathering himself in sunscreen  (he burned easily) and glaring at the noisy crowds around them. “If anything, I owe you for dragging you there,” Erwin assures him.

 “At least there won’t be any sand at your cookout,” Levi says. Then he looks off to the side, thinking. After a moment, he just shrugs. “I guess I can go,” he says. “But for no more than an hour, and I’m going to be introduced as your friend.”

And that’s how Levi ends up at the Smith Family Cookout.

*****

They arrive together at small house on the outskirts of the city. It’s white with black shutters, a very typical suburban home, with hedges around the yard and a garden gnome out front. The sound of chattering voices and laughter comes from behind the house. It’s the sound of socializing. Not one of Levi’s favorite sounds.                

“Are you still feeling okay about coming?” Erwin asks.

That question implies that Levi felt okay about coming in the first place. He never did. He only agreed to come to make Erwin happy. “I came all the way here, didn’t I?” he says. “Come on. Let’s see the weirdos you come from.”

“I think you’ll like them,” Erwin says as he leads Levi around to the back of the house. Levi highly doubts it.

They come into view of a crowded yard with at least a couple dozen people in it, most of them blond. The first person to notice Erwin does so with an ear-splitting scream. Then, a tiny creature hurtles through the crowd and straight at them.

“Uncle Erwin, Uncle Erwin!” she screams.

Without a word, Erwin hands Levi the dessert he brought. And it’s a good thing he did, because the little blonde torpedo crashes right into him. He crouches down just in time to take her into his arms. Then he’s lifting her up, throwing her into the air just high enough for her to scream in pleasure and swinging her around in circles.

“Wheeeeee! Again, again!” she shouts. Levi watches the whole thing with alarm. The sheer energy of this little person is enough to make him cringe. But Erwin seems to take it all in stride, seems actually happy to be spinning around with this little child. He looks like some kind of wholesome dad from a Hallmark commercial.

Eventually, Erwin finishes swinging her around and holds her still in his arms. “Levi, this little monkey is my niece, Sarah. Sarah, this is my friend, Levi.”

“Swing me again, swing me again!” Sarah, clearly, has more important things on her mind.

“Sarah, don’t torture your poor uncle,” a woman says from behind them. She walks up to Erwin’s side, a tall blonde with a slightly pinched face. There’s a clear family resemblance, though. She has the same chin and the same blue eyes as Erwin. “Uncle Erwin’s going to keep playing with you in a bit, okay? He has to do some boring adult stuff like talking to people.”

Erwin crouches down to set Sarah on the ground. Then he stays at Sarah’s eye level as he says, “I’ll take a rain check on that next swing, okay, Sarah-bear?”

Levi watches her run off to where two other children are playing. She’s wearing red and white striped tights, a fluffy pink skirt and a yellow shirt covered in teddy bears. It’s so mismatched it actually makes Levi a little nervous.

“Levi, this is my sister, Ingrid,” Erwin’s saying. Levi turns to accept her handshake.

“You must be the friend Erwin mentioned,” she says. A couple days ago, Erwin had called his mother and told her he’d be bringing over a friend. That would hopefully lessen the chance that Levi would be mistaken for . . . well, for what he actually was.

“Nice to meet you,” Levi says stiffly.

“Nice to meet you, too,” Ingrid says, significantly less awkwardly. “I’m glad you could make it. Come on over and meet the whole family.”

Levi tenses. Erwin, thankfully, notices. “Actually,” he says, “I wanted to talk to mom about something. We can do the grand introductions later.”

“Sounds good. Help yourself to any of the food. We have plenty. Plenty of beer in the cooler, too.”

“Thanks, Ingrid. We will,” Erwin says before leading the way to the opposite side of the yard.

As they’re walking, Levi can’t resist asking under his breath, “Erwin and Ingrid?”

“They’re family names,” Erwin replies.

“They’re names that get you beaten up in high school.” Levi’s given a well-deserved shove for that.

They make their way through the crowd until they arrive at a long picnic table at the far end of the yard. Behind it, a woman with a silver bun takes saran wrap off large plates of food. She’s wearing a simple but elegant navy blue dress that, while much too nice for the casual occasion, clearly identifies her as the best dressed in the family. Levi can see where Erwin got his class.

She looks up as they approach and smiles broadly, hurrying out from behind the table. “Erwin! Oh I’m so happy you’ve arrived. It’s been how long since I’ve seen you? And the office is keeping you so busy that you can’t even see your own mother?”

“Hi, mom,” Erwin says. He makes no effort to defend himself, but only leans down so she can give him a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

“Visit more in the future,” she says after their embrace. “And this must be Levi, the friend you told me about. I’m Beryl, it’s a pleasure. I’m glad we could give you a little home on the fourth.” She holds out a hand for Levi to shake.

“Nice to meet you,” Levi says. He tries to make the statement less awkward than it was with Ingrid and probably makes it more awkward instead.

“Well, feel free to eat anything and everything. I made most of this myself, and I’m an excellent cook, as I believe Erwin will attest.”

She winks at Erwin, to which Erwin clears his throat and says, “Mother . . .”

Beryl leans toward Levi and mock-whispers, “He’s been learning to cook a lot of my best recipes lately. He says it’s just so he can cook for himself, but I think he has a new lady friend. I’ve been trying to get him to tell me the truth for weeks now.” And she looks pointedly at Levi, clearly hoping for some kind of hint as to whether or not she’s right. Levi keeps his face blank.

“Mother, please,” Erwin says. “He just got here. You don’t want him to think the Smith family is crazy.”

“Well, I don’t think it’s crazy to want to see my son settled down with a nice girl, do you?”

Levi’s throat constricts. He can’t think of a single thing to say. Thankfully, he’s saved by a call from the corner of the yard announcing that the burgers and hot dogs were ready. Beryl hurries over to organize the distribution of food, giving Erwin and Levi the chance to hang back as the crowd rushes to the grill.

“Are you out to your mother?” Levi asks out of the corner of his mouth.

“Yes,” Erwin mutters back. “I’m out to my whole family. But I think most of the old folks like to conveniently forget, especially since I was with a girl for a few years.”

The two of them hang back, waiting for the crowd to clear before getting their own food. Levi watches the Smith family mill about - aunts and uncles and little kids running at their feet, big smiles and warm laughter and steaming plates of fresh barbeque. It’s such a stereotype of what a Fourth of July cookout should look like. Levi’s surprised these kinds of people actually exist.

“This is all very . . .” He searches for a word that expresses what he’s thinking without being offensive. “. . . wholesome.”

Erwin glances at the crowd, as though trying to see what Levi’s seeing. Then he leans down and whispers, “That man in the green shirt has a drinking problem. And Mary, that’s the woman in the pink shorts, has been fighting with her husband. We suspect extra-marital affairs and a possible divorce in the future.”

Levi raises his eyebrows in a question, to which Erwin responds, “No family is perfect.”

“Point taken. Thanks for letting me in on all the juicy family gossip.”

“My pleasure.”

The crowd thins, and they step up to get pile their paper plates with food. Conversation has already sprung up around the picnic table when they take their seats, and it’s easy for Levi to eat without needing to contribute. Most questions directed towards them are fielded by Erwin, with Levi only having to answer briefly about his work and where he’s from. Levi’s actually starting to feel somewhat comfortable when an older relative has to ruin it.

Levi doesn’t remember how he’s related to Erwin, but he’s very clearly a patriarch type - old, stubborn, and speaking whatever’s on his mind with the assumption that everyone wants to hear it. And this is exactly what he does when he asks, loudly enough for the whole table to hear, “Hey Erwin, when are you going to get another girl? You haven’t been with anyone since that Marie chick.”

Levi watches Erwin carefully. It’s subtle, but he knows Erwin well enough to see him tense before answering. “I don’t know. I guess I’m just waiting to find the right girl or boy.”        

“Or boy?” the old fart responds. He’s apparently deaf, because everything he says is much louder than it needs to be. “You’re not still going on with that half-gay nonsense, are you?”

Now Levi tenses, too, grips his fork a little more tightly as though getting ready to stab this man with it. He really wants to put his hand on Erwin’s right now, but any physical contact would only make things worse.

“It’s not ‘half-gay’. It’s bisexual.” Erwin is speaking very precisely, holding his anger back by slowing down the pace of his words. “And yes, I am still ‘going on’ with it. It’s not something that changes.”

“Ah, you just haven’t found the right girl yet.”

Now the whole table’s tense. The entire family looks back and forth between Erwin and the old man, waiting to see what happens next. Only the little kids sitting at a miniature table a few feet away have continued chattering as normal.

“That’s not how this works,” Erwin says, still speaking with his dangerous slowness.        

“Now listen here. I’m gonna tell you a thing or two,” the old man starts to say, and Levi’s had enough.

“Oh, shut up, Gramps.”

The words are out before he can stop himself, and he realizes what he’s done just as the entire Smith family turns to stare at him. People who couldn’t give him a second glance before are fascinated with him now.

Well, what a nice way to get to know the family.

Levi’s trying to think of something slightly more diplomatic to say when he feels movement against his leg. He glances down to see what it is—was there a dog here?—and finds two bright eyes staring up at him from under the table.

“Jesus,” Levi gasps, and a shocked murmur runs through the family at his choice language. While he watches, two little hands settle on his thighs and a tiny body follows. Sarah places herself on his lap like he’s her own personal chair and asks, “What’s your name?”

Now, not only is the whole family staring at him, but he has a tiny creature sitting on him, too. Levi briefly considers throwing her off and making a run for it before reminding himself that he wants to make things better for Erwin, not worse.

“Levi,” he says.

“Mine’s Sarah.”

“I know.”

“My shirt has teddy bears on it.”

Levi has not had to deal with young children since he was ten years old and had young foster siblings. He barely remembers that. This tiny child and her non-sequiturs are a complete enigma to him. “I can see that,” he says.

“What’s your favorite animal?” she asks.

Favorite animal? Levi doesn’t have a favorite animal. He glances at Erwin for help, only to find that Erwin’s holding back laughter. That traitor.

“Uh, a cat,” Levi says. At least they’re clean.

“I like horses because they’re pretty. And bears because the can stomp on people!”

This, Levi has no response to. The child is, apparently, a bloodthirsty demon child.

The Smith family, though, seems to have no problem with it. Laughter bursts out all around the table, and the tension eases away.

“Come here, Sarah-bear,” Erwin says. Thankfully, he lifts Sarah off Levi’s lap and moves her onto his own. Levi breathes again.

And with that, the table falls back into its normal conversation. A few people ask Sarah innocuous questions while someone at the far end of the table makes a polite comment about the food. In a matter of a few minutes, everyone has settled into small talk, eager to move past the awkwardness of a moment ago.

Sarah stays on Erwin’s lap and takes a potato chip off his plate. Erwin doesn’t seem to mind. In fact, he seems perfectly happy to have a little person on top of him, and even enthusiastically leans down to make conversation with her. Levi had plenty of foster parents on the nicer side, but none of them had ever shown as much interest in him as Erwin now shows to Sarah. Watching the two together feels strange, as though he’s watching something that can’t be real. This is a side of Erwin Levi didn’t know was there, and he’s not quite how he feels about it.  

Sarah says something, and Erwin laughs. Before he can respond to her, Sarah turns to Levi and says, “Are you?”

“Am I what?”

“My aunt?”

Well, this day is just becoming one awkward moment after another. Levi glances around to make sure no one else heard the question.

“Levi is my friend,” Erwin explains. “An aunt is someone who is married to your uncle, but Levi isn’t married to me.”

Sarah continues chattering as if she didn’t hear him. “Uncle Larry started coming places with Aunt Mary, but then she was just Mary. But now she’s Aunt Mary. Are you going to be Aunt Levi?”

Levi suddenly feels very warm, and the hot July air grows oppressive. He’s starting to think that it’s time to leave.

“No, no, Levi’s just a friend,” Erwin says. “Aunt Mary got married to Uncle Larry, and that’s how she became an aunt. But Levi and I won’t get married because you don’t marry your friends.”

“Oh.”

“I think I need to go now,” Levi says, standing. He’s finished his meal and he’s had quite enough of the family.

“Right. I’ll walk you out. Sarah-bear, go finish your food.”

Sarah scurries off his lap and runs to the children’s table. Then Erwin makes some polite excuses before leading Levi to the front yard where, thankfully, it’s quiet.

“Well, that went a lot worse than I expected,” Erwin says. “I’m sorry, Levi. I don’t know what I was thinking when I invited you here.”

Levi just shrugs. “It could have been worse.”

“And I apologize for Sarah, too. She can be a bit much.”

“She reminded me of Isabel. A little. I mean I never knew Isabel when she was that young, but she probably would have been like that.”

“I understand.” Levi nods, putting an end to the topic. “But thank you for coming, and thank you for standing up for me earlier,” Erwin finishes.

“What, with the old guy? Your family must think I’m a charmer now.”

“You are a charmer.”

“Shut up.”

“But you are. And it was really sweet. And I really want to kiss you right now.”

“Hm. That’d be nice.”

“No one will see.” Erwin takes both of Levi’s hands and pulls him a little closer.

“We’re on the sidewalk in front of the whole neighborhood.”

“But no one in my family will see,” Erwin says.

Levi looks up at Erwin, at this man who’s giving him a goofy smile that makes him forget the whole awkward afternoon. He’s tempted to just go for it when a voice interrupts them. “Oh, I’m so glad you haven’t left yet! I wanted to give you some . . . oh.”

Levi drops Erwin’s hands and takes a hasty step backwards. Erwin does the same, but it’s too late. Erwin’s mother has already put it together.

“Oh, I see,” she says. She comes a little closer, heels clacking on the driveway. “You don’t have to worry, whatever your reasons for wanting to keep it secret, I respect that. Though I do hope you make it public soon. It’s been so long since Erwin’s been in a relationship.”

“Mother, please.”

“Anyway.” Beryl approaches Levi and holds out a tinfoil-covered plate she’s carrying. Levi can barely believe how casually she’s taking this, but he’s definitely grateful. He’s had enough awkward moments for one day. “I wanted to give you some desserts for the road, since you left before dessert time. And I want to apologize on behalf of my brother. He’s just a grumpy old coot.”

Levi takes the plate. “Thanks.”

“Oh, and I’m sorry for all that lady friend nonsense from earlier. Goodness, you must have felt so uncomfortable. A gentleman friend is just as good, of course. Anyway, it was a pleasure to meet you.” She holds out her hand for Levi to shake again. “Keep my boy out of trouble.”

“I’ll try,” Levi says, relieved that some part of this day, finally, went right.

*****

Erwin schedules their next dinner date for two days later. It’s a little quick, but Erwin’s very eager to see Levi again. He’s afraid there might be some damage control to do after the disaster that was the family cookout.

He enters Levi’s building behind a resident who unlocks for him. Then he hurries up to Levi’s apartment and knocks on the door, calling, “Levi, I’m here!”

There’s no answer, so he knocks a little louder. Still nothing. Levi had texted him just ten minutes ago to say that he was home and to come right up. So where could he be now?

“Levi?” Erwin bangs on the door again, and when he doesn’t get an answer he checks the doorknob. It’s unlocked.

“Levi, I’m coming in,” Erwin calls. Still no response. And the main room of the apartment, with the living room and the kitchen area, is empty.

Now Erwin begins to feel nervous. He cannot think of a single explanation that doesn’t involve illness or injury, though he tries to keep himself from jumping to conclusions. Erwin hurries into the apartment, checks the bathroom and still finds no sign of him.

Then there’s a strangled gasp from across the hall, and Erwin understands. He darts into Levi’s bedroom to find Levi sitting on the floor, knees drawn up to his chest, having a panic attack.

Erwin kneels next to Levi, trying to keep his movements steady and not reveal the concern he feels. “Levi, it’s okay,” he says. “I’m here. You’re going to be alright.”

Levi looks up at Erwin. Normally, his face is almost expressionless. Normally, his eyes are calm and his mouth is a line and his skin is pale. And that is part of what makes the panic attacks so frightening for Erwin. Because during a panic attack, all those hallmarks of Levi disappear. Levi’s face is red now, and a few stray tears run down his cheeks. He looks at Erwin with wide, frightened eyes and frantically gasps for breath.

Erwin’s seen this a couple times, and each time it’s terrifying. But he’s careful to push aside the fear, careful to keep his voice free from alarm as he speaks to Levi. Right now, Levi needs him to be calm.

“You’re going to be okay,” he says. “I’m right here with you. This is all going to pass. Let’s just focus on your breathing, okay? Breath in.” Levi takes a long gasp interrupted by shudders. “Good. That’s good. Now breath out. Good. I’m here. You’re sitting in your bedroom, it’s Tuesday, July sixth, and in a few minutes we’re going to make a nice salmon dish and eat it together. This is going to pass. You’ll be okay.”

Levi has told Erwin what to do during a panic attack—keep talking, give him simple things to concentrate on, help him to breath. He grows a little hopeful when Levi takes a couple normal breaths, but the even breathing doesn’t last long. A strangled gasp comes next, loud and broken.

“You’re doing really well. Breath in. Good. Now breath out. Good job. Breath in. Focus on the floor beneath you. Breath out. Listen to the traffic outside. You’re in your bedroom, I’m here, and you’re safe. Breath in. Good. You’re okay. This will pass. You’re okay.”

Very gradually, Levi’s breathing steadies. It’s heavy and quick now, but the breaths are full and even. A couple more tears drop down Levi’s face, and then, slowly, he relaxes. He allows his arms to drop to the floor, and his posture goes slack as his breathing quiets.

“There you go. You’re okay. You’re okay.” Erwin wants to touch him, just to hold his hand or rub his back. But Levi has made it clear to never, ever touch him when he’s like this.

“Keep breathing. You’re okay. Everything’s okay.”

Levi’s takes one last, deep breath. He seems to have collapsed in on himself, limbs weak and back slumped. Erwin watches him carefully, giving him time to collect himself before either of them speaks. Then Levi looks up at Erwin, their eyes meeting briefly before he stands.

“Jesus fucking Christ,” Levi mutters, and then he storms into the bathroom.

Erwin’s stays put for a moment, kneeling alone on the bedroom floor. He takes a breath to steady himself before getting up.

He can’t say why Levi’s in the bathroom, but whatever the reason, the only thing to do now is wait for him to come out. Erwin methodically makes himself at home, returning to the living room to slip off his shoes and set down his briefcase near the entrance. Then he sits on the couch and waits, scrolling through the news on his phone to pass the time.

Levi eventually comes out more than ten minutes later. He goes straight to the kitchen, saying, “Want to start cooking?”

“Sure.” Erwin enters the kitchen and Levi’s taking the ingredients out of the fridge. “How are you feeling?”

“Fine. Totally better.”

“Did anything bring that on?”

Levi waves his hand as if shooing the problem away and says, “Let’s talk about it after dinner. I’m hungry.”

Erwin concedes. He doesn’t want to - he’s still shaken, still deeply worried about Levi, and every instinct aches to try to solve the problem now. But if Levi wants to have a calm meal, Erwin has no right to prevent that. So Erwin puts on a pleasant face and waits to broach the topic until a few hours later, when they’re curled up on Levi’s couch finishing off a bottle of wine.

“Would you like to tell me what was bothering you today?” Erwin asks him then. He has one arm draped around Levi’s shoulders, and Levi’s knees are resting on Erwin’s thigh. They fit together comfortably, naturally.

“No,” Levi says. And he takes a sip of his wine, nonchalant. Well, at least he’s blunt about what he’s hiding.

“Why not?” Perhaps by asking that much, Erwin could get something out of him.

“Because it’s not your problem.”

“I know it’s not, but I still care about you and want to help in any way I can.”

“Trust me, you can’t help with this.”

Erwin doesn’t want to hear that, as much as he knows it’s Levi’s right to say. He doesn’t want to accept that Levi’s hiding a part of his life from him, and he certainly doesn’t want to accept that there’s a problem he can’t solve.”                   

“Try me,” Erwin says.

“No.”

Erwin sighs. “Okay,” he says. And he kisses Levi on the head to show that he’s okay with everything. Or, maybe, to convince himself that he is.

Levi closes his eyes at the touch, but he seems a little more withdrawn than before. He hasn’t moved, but his body is rigid instead of curving into Erwin’s. He takes a sip of his drink, and Erwin does as well, and for a minute there’s a tense silence.

Then Levi asks, out of the blue, “Do you ever want to have kids?”

“What?”

“Kids. Do you want any?”

“What brings this on?”

Levi shrugs. “You were good with Sarah. It surprised me.”

Erwin answers carefully, not sure where this is going and not wanting to say anything that would upset Levi further. “She’s my niece, and I care for her a lot. But I feel I’m too young and not financially secure enough to consider having kids of my own.”

“I don’t mean right now. Just at some point. In the future.”

“Well . . .” Erwin considers lying, but he doesn’t know what Levi actually wants to hear, so he goes with the truth. “I did always assume I would have children at some point, yes.”

“Thought so,” Levi says.

“What does this have to do with?”

“Nothing. Just curious.”

It’s not unlike Levi to be a little random, but rarely about anything serious. Erwin doesn’t believe him for a second.

“Well, have you seen kids in your future?”

Levi snorts. “Me? A parent? I would fuck up those kids in an instant.”

“I don’t necessarily think that’s true.”

“I’m the least touchy-feely person in the world.”

“Well, that is true. Unless we’re to take that term literally.” And Erwin adds a wink to make his point.

“You’re disgusting.”

“But in all seriousness, you did fine with Sarah.”                         

“Are you kidding me?”

“You answered her questions, and you didn’t discourage her. That’s more than most adults would do.”

Levi shrugs. “What else could I do with your whole family staring at me?”

“Still. I think Sarah likes you.”

“Thrilling.”

Erwin smiles and runs his hand up and down Levi’s far arm, pulling him a little closer. Levi lets him, but he doesn’t respond to the touch. Instead, he drains his glass and says, “I think I’m going to bed early tonight.”        

Erwin glances at his watch. It’s eight-thirty, and he usually stays at Levi’s until around ten. “How early?”

“Like right now.”

“Levi, please tell me what’s wrong.”

Levi sighs, closes his eyes. “I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“You won’t like it.”

“Levi, I promise I won’t get mad at you.”

“That’s not what I said.”

Erwin looks carefully at Levi, but his expression betrays nothing but a hint of discomfort in the way Levi avoids his gaze.

“Well, I appreciate you trying to spare me upset feelings from something I won’t like. But I also dislike being left in the dark, especially when it might impact our relationship.”

Levi sets his glass down on the coffee table very slowly and deliberately. He also takes his time in sitting up properly, unfurling his legs and pulling away from Erwin’s grasp. Erwin obliges by dropping his arm, instinctually understanding that doing so will make Levi feel more comfortable in revealing his feelings.

Levi sits still, his arms and legs crossed, and hesitates before speaking. Then he says, “It was just seeing your family.”

“Did they upset you?”

“No,. Well I mean, yes, obviously. But no, that’s not what I meant. I mean, they’re just so . . . normal.”

“You mean typical?”

“Yes. And there’s kids and . . . wholesome shit . . . and I could never . . . it’s not my kind of place.”

Erwin’s had enough practice reading between Levi’s lines, and he’s beginning to guess what’s going on. “Are you afraid that you don’t fit in my life?”

“Yes . . . well, no . . . kind of.”

“How am I right and how am I wrong?”

“Yes I don’t think I fit, no because that’s not exactly it. I just . . . can’t give you what you want.”

“You mean kids? Do you really think I might break up with you just because I want a traditional family with kids? ” Erwin asks.

“I told you you wouldn’t like it.”

And he doesn’t, it’s true. Erwin can’t understand how Levi could think that such vague future desires were more than he was. And he also can’t fathom how such an unfounded worry could have given Levi a panic attack. “Levi, what I want is you.”

“Yeah, don’t give me that romantic crap,” Levi says. “Maybe that’s true. Maybe it’s true now, anyway. You’re twenty-six and we’ve only been together a couple months. But at some point, you’re going to want something more. Sitting around with a basket case who’s always going to be a bachelor is going to get really old really soon, and I don’t think you can deny that.”

“You don’t give yourself enough credit—or me, for that matter. I am more interested in you than anything else. If you don’t want marriage or kids, we can work with that. We can make some sort of compromise. But we don’t need to talk about this for years.”

“What, so we can have this argument in a few years?”

“We’re not having an argument.”

Levi snorts, and it just makes Erwin more frustrated. “Levi you’re . . . you’re getting concerned about something that isn’t going to be a problem for a very long time.”

“But it will be a problem eventually.”

“But by the time this is an appropriate conversation to have, years will have passed. We’ll be coming at it from completely different perspectives.”

“Well I don’t know if I feel like waiting for then. And I still want to go to bed.”

“Levi, what are you saying?”

“That I want to sleep.”

“No, Levi.”

Levi sighs. “I’m saying that this isn’t going to last forever. You and I want completely different things and at some point we won’t be able to compromise anymore. And I don’t want to be around when you reach the breaking point.”

Each word feels like a slap, and when Levi’s done, Erwin’s left gaping. He struggles to wrap his mind around what Levi’s just said, and he finds himself growing afraid of what Levi’s implying.

“As I said, I knew you wouldn’t like it,” Levi says. Then, before Erwin can respond, he stands and walks toward his bedroom, clearly ending the conversation.

“Levi . . . please, wait . . .” Erwin says. Levi doesn’t make any sign of having heard him. “Levi, I . . .I understand what you’re worried about. You’re worried that there’s no certainty, that there’s a chance that what’s between us could end at any time.” Erwin stands and takes a step towards him, praying that he’ll stop walking. “Problems arise, and that’s inevitable, but we’ll work it out. Even if we do want different things, we can think of ways to balance that when the time comes.”

Now Levi stops, waiting to hear the end of what Erwin has to say. He hasn’t turned around yet. Erwin risks approaching him.

“Look, I understand there’s a lot of uncertainty, and I know that we’re coming at this from very different places. But I love you too much to give up.”

Levi tenses, and Erwin realizes too late what he’s said.

But it can’t be taken back now. The words float in the air between them, heavy and waiting to touch down. Erwin feels like he should say something, like he should qualify or apologize or try to explain. But there’s really nothing else to say. There’s nothing he can add to that simple truth.

When Levi finally does speak, he just says, “Damn,” and Erwin knows the words have landed.

“I’m sorry I said that so suddenly.”

“But it’s true.”

“Yes. It’s true,”

“Well.” Levi takes a breath that sounds almost shaky. “Fuck.”

“Levi, I’m sorry . . .”

“You don’t . . .” Levi shakes his head. He still hasn’t turned around. “You don’t need to apologize.”

“Okay.” And now Erwin has no idea what to do. He wants to touch Levi, but he doesn’t think that would be welcome. Wants to say something else, but isn’t sure what to say. So the two of them stand like that, separated by the impenetrable distance of a few feet and a few words.

When the silence becomes almost too much to bear, Erwin says, “Well, I guess I’ll let you get to bed, then.”

“Yeah, I uh . . . I, you know, return the sentiments.”

“What do you mean?”

Now, finally, Levi turns around. “Are you really going to make me say it?”

Another silence stretches between them as Erwin hesitates. He’s afraid to say yes, afraid to push Levi too far. But he really, really doesn’t want to say no.

It turns out he doesn’t need to say anything. Levi takes a breath, as though bracing himself, before looking Erwin in the eye. “I love you, too.”

And that’s all Erwin will ever need to hear. His arms embrace Levi and their lips press together, and he just savors what Levi feels like at this moment. Levi’s heart beats against his chest, and each beat is a reaffirmation of what Erwin has just heard. Levi loves him.

They part, though they continue holding each other. Levi mutters, “That’s what makes it hard, you know.”

Erwin cups Levi’s face with his hand, and Levi returns the gesture. His small thumb brushes across Erwin’s cheekbone with a level of tenderness he rarely shows.

“I understand,” Erwin says. “But that’s what’s going to make this work, too.”

“I really fucking hope you’re right,” Levi says before letting himself be kissed again.

Erwin really hopes so, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We've had so many chapters that have ended really happily . . . have I lulled you into a false sense of security yet?
> 
> So at the end of the last update, I mentioned I was considering putting up a poll where you can choose what eruri au I'll write once Four Years Later is over. I got a decent response to that idea, so I've gone ahead and made it.
> 
> If you're interested in choosing exactly which au you'll be enjoying next, first go [ here ](http://levismushroomcut.tumblr.com/private/118412551062/tumblr_no0f83pVHX1qit7ep) to read a synopsis of each au. The link to the poll itself is at the bottom of that page. 
> 
> Happy voting!


	15. Workloads and Conflicts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *stares at kudos number* Holy shit. Holy fucking shit. I'm at 498 at the moment of posting and I promise you I will be refreshing this page tonight until I reach 500 holy shIT
> 
> Lots of thanks to everyone who's left kudos, and for all the sweet people who have commented. 
> 
> I spend a little more time with Erwin's job in this one, and I can promise you I pretty much made up what he does. I know nothing about being a lawyer. Researching law would have taken too much effort for the brief amount of time this fic focuses on it. Any readers who actually know anything about law will probably be offended and I apologize. 
> 
> Warnings for vague mentions of past abuse/neglect.

And for the next couple months, their relationship does work. It grows easier with each day, though some points of contention do remain. Levi still refuses to tell anyone about their relationship or to do anything to make them official. Erwin can’t figure out why, and it frustrates him. But he doesn’t bring it up out of fear of upsetting the happy balance they currently have.

That balance becomes especially important when another point of contention starts to come up – Erwin’s work. He had been trying to not let it get so busy that it encroached on his relationship with Levi, and for the most part, his efforts had worked. He still occasionally gets annoyed texts from Levi when they go too long without seeing each other, but he generally manages to reserve at least one night a week and all of his weekends for their relationship.

That success is threatened, though, when Pixis calls Erwin into his office one day in early August. He doesn’t give any word of greeting as Erwin sits down across from his desk. Instead, he simply takes two large stacks of documents and dumps them in front of Erwin with a loud thud.

“These are yours now,” he says with a smile.

Erwin stares at the stacks and tries to decipher what they could be. “Excuse me?”

“Shadis seems to be getting burnt out. I’m transferring some of his work to you.”

Shadis is a fellow junior lawyer with several more years of experience than Erwin. Generally, tasks get assigned to him first. Erwin eyes the stack. It seems like a lot more than “some” of Shadis’s work.

“You’ve impressed a lot of people with your work, Erwin,” Pixis continues. “Everything you produce is exemplary. Your arguments are clever. Your attention to detail is admirable. Everything you touch turns out great, so we want you to touch more stuff.”

“Well, thank you very much.”

“You care about this job a lot, don’t you?”

Erwin nods. He does, and it’s that care that keeps him going when the work gets stressful. He cares about the families he works for, the kids sends to the right homes. He cares that he’s doing something good with his law degree, some small thing to help humanity instead of merely helping himself, as most lawyers do. “Yes,” he says.

“We need more people in here like you,” Pixis says. “Most people in this firm only care about their paycheck.” He pushes the stack a couple inches closer to Erwin. “In here are the details of a couple cases Shadis was working on. You might want to get started ASAP. There’s a lot to get through in here.”

When Erwin returns to his office and begins looking through the stack, he sees that ‘a lot’ may have been something of an understatement. There is a couple days’ worth of work buried within the documents, and much of it time-sensitive.

Erwin sighs. He’s supposed to have dinner with Levi that night. With a feeling of resignation, he picks up his phone to cancel.

*****

Erwin cancels once. Twice. Three times. As the month of August goes on, their long evenings together turn into quick dinners, which then turn into hasty coffee dates.

Levi decided long ago that he doesn’t mind being second to Erwin’s work. Now, he struggles to remind himself of that with each cancellation. He understands that Erwin’s dedicated to his job, that he sees it as something of a mission. And that’s something Levi can respect. It just scares him a little, knowing that he can be so easily forgotten.

And, almost just as troubling, Levi begins to notice that it’s not just him that’s being neglected in favor of Erwin’s work. Erwin’s neglecting himself as well.

When Levi first notices the bags under Erwin’s eyes, he doesn’t think much of it. Erwin’s been working hard, so it makes sense that he’s tired. But then other subtle changes come over him. He becomes uncharacteristically distracted, his eyes not quite focusing during their conversations. Levi notices his posture slump a little, his normally pleasant expression looking haggard.

Then, a few weeks after this heavy workload starts, Erwin doesn’t even bother to cancel. He just doesn’t show up. Levi sits in his kitchen, watching the seconds tick by and growing angrier with each one.

He calls Erwin. There’s no answer. He waits fifteen minutes and calls again. Still no answer.

There’s a feeling of panic that starts to creep up on him, and he fights to keep it at bay long enough to find out what’s really going on – if Erwin really has forgotten all about him, or if there’s something else keeping him. After calling a third time and leaving an angry voicemail, Levi sets off on the walk that will take him to Erwin’s building.

He’s jamming Erwin’s doorbell repeatedly when someone behind him says his name. Levi whirls around to see Mike standing at the bottom of the front steps.

He and Mike haven’t seen each other often, and when they do they don’t talk much. Mike knows about Levi’s relationship with Erwin, and his attitude towards Levi has gotten a little better than the outright disdain he used to have. But Levi still has the feeling that Mike doesn’t quite trust him.

“Your damn roommate isn’t answering his phone,” Levi says in answer the question on Mike’s face.

Mike furrows his brow a little, glancing up at his apartment as if he’ll see some kind of an explanation. “That’s not like him,” he says.

He passes Levi and, after a moment of hesitation, holds the door open behind him in a wordless invitation for Levi to follow. They climb together, Levi trailing Mike until they reach the apartment. When they arrive, Mike opens the door and calls Erwin’s name. There’s no answer. He leads the way to Erwin’s bedroom, knocking briefly on the door before opening it.

“I’ll eat later,” Erwin says without looking up.

The room feels very different from the last time Levi was in it. The shades are drawn, giving it a closed-off feel, and the only light in the room is Erwin’s dim desk lamp. Erwin sits with his back to them, thick legal books and stacks of paper closing him in on either side of his desk.

“You were supposed to eat with someone else,” Mike says, and that’s when Erwin finally turns around. His eyes fall on Levi, and Levi can see the exact moment when Erwin remembers his missed obligation.  

“Levi.” The word’s almost a gasp.

“Hey, asshole.”

“I . . . I completely forgot.”

“No shit.”

“I’m so sorry.”

It has to partly be the fault of the weird lighting in the room, but Erwin looks off. His skin seems pale, and the bags under his eyes are bigger than usual. The normally neat hair is falling loosely over his forehead.

“You fucking better be,” Levi says.

“I am. I . . .” Erwin looks from Levi to Mike. “Why did you bring him in?”

“He was worried. Wanted to know why you weren’t answering your phone. I was a little worried, too. You usually at least keep your phone on.”

“Right. Of course. Levi, I’m so sorry to cause you worry. I can’t believe I was so absent-minded. Would you like to get a quick bite of something now?”

Levi rolls his eyes. “Don’t strain yourself.”

“No, I-”

Levi holds up his hand. Turns to Mike and says, “Can you give us a minute?” He has a couple things he wants to say to Erwin, and he’s not interested in having Mike around to hear them. Mike gives them both a long look before nodding and backing out the door.

Levi sits down on the foot of Erwin’s bed. “You look like shit,” he says.

Erwin gives a half shrug. “I guess I haven’t been sleeping well.”

“You look like you haven’t been sleeping at all.” Levi gestures towards the piles on Erwin’s desk. “What’s all this crap?”

“My work.”

“Your work is an entire forest’s worth of paper?”

“Apparently,” Erwin says with a weak smile.

“Aren’t you supposed to do your work, you know, _at work_?”

“I did.”

“Then why the fuck do you still have a forest sitting on your desk?”

Erwin sighs. “My boss has been giving me additional work. One of my coworkers moved on to another job recently. I’m doing his caseload as well as mine until his replacement has been hired.”

“He’s giving you a double workload?”

“Essentially, yes.”

“What a shitty, disgusting-”

“No, it’s actually okay,” Erwin insists. “I like knowing that I can have an influence in more cases. It’s tiring, but it’s worth it.”

“Worth it? You look like shit, you’re working from when you get up in the morning until you go to bed at night, but it’s worth it.”

“Yes.”

“You’ve got some fucked up priorities, Erwin.”

“My priorities are the clients that I help.”

“Yeah I can see that.”

“No, Levi, I didn’t mean it that way.”

“Yeah, whatever.” Levi sighs. “Well, I just came here to make sure you weren’t dying or some shit. Now that I know you’re not, I can go.” The conversation’s getting frustrating, and he doesn’t think it’s going anywhere. Better to just drop it before it becomes a full-blown argument.  

“Could we meet up tomorrow? Perhaps for a coffee?”

Levi’s almost says no just to spite Erwin. But then again, leaving Erwin alone to drown in his job is probably not going to help anything. Maybe if they meet up when Erwin’s not surrounded by work on either side, he’ll be less infuriating. “Yeah. Sure,” Levi says as walks out the door. Then he spits over his shoulder, “If you don’t forget.”

*****

They meet in the same little shop they had their very first public date in. Levi’s already there when Erwin arrives, and he’s scarcely sat down when Levi says, “You need to think about changing careers.”

Erwin sighs. He expected Levi to say something like that, though an entire career change seems a little drastic. He had thought that maybe Levi would recommend changing firms or standing up to his boss more. The more extreme suggestion, and the definitiveness with which Levi said it, tells Erwin that this will be a very difficult conversation to get through.

“I’m not going to change careers,” Erwin says calmly.

“What you’ve got now is terrible,” Levi says. “You’re not sleeping and you’re always stressed and you don’t see anyone. It’s more of a pain than it’s worth.”

“It may be a bit of a pain, but it’s a very important job that I’m happy to make some sacrifices for,” Erwin’s careful to keep his voice calm and level. The last thing they need is for this to turn into a full-blown argument. “I am in a position where I can use my area of expertise to help people, and I consider that an important opportunity.”

 “By the way you’re talking you’d think you were in the fucking Peace Corps or something,” Levi says. “You’re a lawyer, Erwin, not humanity’s savior. You’re there to argue the case you’re paid to argue and go home.” 

“That may be what other lawyers are there for, but it’s not what I’m there for."

“Well maybe if it was, you would be able to relax once in a while instead of taking on fucking double workloads.”

“Relaxing is not how I want to spend my life.”  

Erwin can see by how Levi’s eyes narrow that that was the wrong thing to say. “Alright, then, how do you want to spend your life?” Levi puts his coffee down on the table a little harder than he needs to. “Right now you don’t even _have_ a life. You just work all the time, and it’s a miracle if you have time to eat or shit. Let alone maybe enjoy something.”

“If it means I’m helping people-”

“Well. Aren’t you fucking selfless.” And Erwin can hear by the bite in his tone that it’s not a compliment.

“Levi, I’ll always find a way to make time for you.”

“Erwin fucking Smith. For once in your life think about yourself. I’m not just mad at you. I’m worried about you, too.”

That startles Erwin, so much so that he’s left speechless for a moment. Levi rarely expresses those kinds of sentiments. Erwin knows that Levi cares about him, but it’s a whole different matter to hear him say it so bluntly.

“You don’t need to worry about me,” Erwin says eventually. 

“I didn’t ask for your permission.”

A tense silence stretches out after that. Erwin’s frustrated with Levi, but the expression of concern has given a whole new level of difficulty – and meaning – to this debate.

Before Erwin can speak again, Levi cuts him off. “Whatever,” he says. “I thought you might be able to be reasonable, but you’re not.”

“Levi, wait,” Erwin says as Levi stands up. “Let’s try to talk this out.”

“Talk out what? You’re just going to explain that what you do is important and stubbornly refuse to change anything.”

“When the new junior lawyer is hired I won’t be as busy. Things will get better then.”

“I really hope so.” And he starts walking past Erwin towards the door. Clearly, the conversation is over. “I need to get home. I’ll see you at Hanji’s party.”

“What?”

Levi glances over his shoulder. “Hanji’s birthday party. I assume you’re coming. Unless you work on Friday nights, now, too.”

 The truth is that Erwin had forgotten about it. But he had been invited, and Friday nights, at least, hadn’t yet been encroached upon by his work.

“No, I’ll be going,” Erwin says. “I’ll see you then.”

“Good.” And Levi walks away from Erwin, leaving him with a deep sense of unease and the knowledge that this conflict is far from over. 

*****

Levi doesn’t like parties, but he has to concede that Petra knows how to throw one. Her apartment has been completely redecorated for the occasion; she’s moved the furniture, covered the place in streamers, and turned the walls into a giant collage of pictures of Hanji.

The cake is shaped like some kind of molecule. The drinks are all chemistry themed. Hanji is on top of the fucking world.

Levi takes a “chemist’s cocktail” (which is, thankfully, a lot less terrifying than it sounds) and weaves his way through the crowd. It’s mostly people from Hanji’s grad school that he doesn’t know, so he moves to a relatively quiet spot along the wall to stand and watch for someone he maybe does know. Hanji and Petra are occupied, milling around the room to chat with every guest they see.

Erwin steps through the door, and the two hosts rush to greet him. Hanji gives him an enthusiastic hug that ends with them dangling off his neck. Then, Petra gives him a more subdued hug once Hanji’s safely back on the ground. They chat for a while until Erwin catches Levi’s eye from across the room and excuses himself.

He goes to stand next to Levi, settling in by his side as though he belongs there. There isn’t any more to his greeting besides a quick exchange of hellos. Since Levi isn’t willing to go public with their relationship, they try not to act too affectionate in social settings.

“What’s that?” Erwin asks, nodding to the drink.

“Chemistry cocktail.” Levi feels stupid just saying it.  

“Nice name.”

“You would think so.”

Erwin smiles a little, but his face quickly grows serious again. He steps closer to Levi to be heard over the noise of the crowd and says, “Is everything alright between us?”

They hadn’t seen each other, or really talked at all, since the difficult conversation in the coffee shop. Levi feels a little sick when he thinks about it. He’s still annoyed, but then again, Erwin doesn’t seem to be willing to change. It’s just something they’ll have to work around. Something they’ll have to try to ignore. “Sure,” Levi says.

“Are you sure?”

“Jesus, Erwin, we’re at party. Let’s not go there.”

“Right. Okay.” Erwin steps back a little, as if to signify that he’s stepping away from the topic. He glances around the room for something else to comment on. “This is quite a party,” he says.

“Petra knows what she’s doing.”

“I’m impressed with all the pictures she’s managed to put up.” Erwin steps to their left, towards a more cluttered area of the wall, and turns to look at some of the display. Levi follows.

They stand side-by-side, wordlessly examining the pictures. Hanji’s grinning their trademark manic grin in all of them, but the situations range from them accepting an award for their graduate research to sitting in a small box with pride.

“I wonder what the story behind the box one is,” Erwin says.

“I don’t think there is a story. I think Hanji just wanted to see if they could fit.”

Erwin laughs. “Our lives would be so dull without Hanji,” he says. He turns to look over some of the other photographs. “These are very sweet,” he says, and he points to a cluster of photos showcasing Petra and Hanji’s relationship. The pair is doing typical couple-y things in each – taking selfies, kissing and the like. They both look extremely happy in all of them.

“Sure,” Levi says.

“We don’t have any pictures of us,” Erwin says. “Why is that?”

Levi had never even thought about it. He usually doesn’t think to take pictures, and he has a hard time making himself look decent in them anyway. All the pictures he owns had been taken at the insistence of either Hanji or Isabel.

Levi shrugs. “I don’t know.”

“We should fix that.”

“I don’t photograph well.”

“I’m sure that’s not true.”

“Trust me, it is.”

“I will find you beautiful nonetheless.”

“Well, isn’t that cute!” a loud voice from behind them exclaims. Hanji. Of course.

They try to throw their arms around both Erwin and Levi’s shoulders, but the height difference prohibits them from doing so gracefully. So instead, they hang off of Erwin and just place their hand on Levi’s opposite shoulder.

“Hello, Hanji,” Erwin says. “We were just admiring the pictures.”

“Thanks! I’m glad my favorite couple – besides me and the girl, of course – can be at my party.”

“Hanji,” Levi hisses. “Keep your voice down.”

“Oh.” They glance from one to the other, mouth in a small “o” of surprise. “You’re still keeping that a secret?”

“Yes.”

“Whoopsie.” Then they add in a stage whisper, “But you guys are really cute.”

“Shut up.”

“Thank you,” Erwin says. “You and Petra are very cute as well.”

“I know!” They give up on trying to lean on Erwin and Levi’s shoulders and let go to stand a little more normally between them. “Anyway, I’m making the rounds to let everyone know that we’re going to be playing periodic table pong soon. I strongly encourage you guys to join in. Even you, Levi. We’re going to make you have fun.”

“I am having fun,” Levi says in his usual bored deadpan.

“Uh-huh. Ok, I’m gonna go help Petra set up for the game, but I will hang out with you more later in the night. See ya!”

And with that, they bound away. Levi glances up at Erwin and notices that he looks vaguely uncomfortable. It would have been impossible to tell if he didn’t know Erwin so well, but Erwin’s standing a little more stiffly than usual, and his gaze is unfocused.

“Hey. Everything ok?”

“Hm? Oh, yes, perfectly ok. Actually, I think I’m going to have one of those drinks you’re having. I’ll be right back.”

He weaves through the crowd toward the kitchen, and Levi’s left trying to figure out what just happened.

*****

Levi doesn’t end up playing the game, but watching Erwin lose a couple rounds is probably more fun than actually playing would have ever been.  

They don’t leave until late. As they’re walking back towards their neighborhood, Levi notices that Erwin once again seems bothered by something.

“Oi. What’s wrong?”

“Hm? Why do you think something’s wrong?”

“You have that distracted look and your shoulders are tense. And you’re not telling any bad jokes.”

“I don’t always tell bad jokes.”

“Well you definitely don’t tell good ones.” Levi glances up to see Erwin’s reaction. He’s smiling, but his gaze is still unfocused. “Seriously, what’s going on?”

“Nothing. Work stress, mainly. Would you like me to walk you home?”

“Aren’t you staying over?”

“Would you like me to stay over?”

“It’s Friday night. You always stay over on Friday night.” Levi is not about to let Erwin’s work stress take that much away from him.  

“Well, then I better not upset my pattern.”

When they arrive at Levi’s apartment, Erwin sits down on the couch and says, “Come here.”

Levi, eager for what he assumes will be a make-out session, complies. But instead of kissing him, Erwin pulls his phone out of his pocket and says, “Smile.”

“What the fuck?”

“We’re taking a selfie. It’s time there were some pictures of us.” Erwin puts his other arm around Levi to pull him into view of the phone’s small camera.

This Levi will not stand for. He dislikes pictures in general, but selfies are a whole new level of awful. “No, we are not taking a fucking selfie,” Levi protests, and he tries to pull out of Erwin’s grasp.

“Just one,” Erwin pleads.  

“No.” He turns his head away from the camera and pushes against Erwin’s arm, which has gone from casual to restraining.

“Please? Just one selfie.” And Erwin leans his head towards Levi’s, apparently dedicated to taking the selfie whether Levi cooperates or not.

“Absolutely not.”

Erwin suddenly and inexplicably starts laughing, and Levi feels a growing sense of dread.

“What the fuck are you laughing at?”

Erwin, grinning, shows Levi the picture on his phone. In it, Erwin’s smiling and looking perfect, as always. Levi, on the other hand, is struggling to get away and has a terrible snarl on his face, apparently caught in the middle of speaking.

“Delete that.”

“But I feel like it sums up our dynamic so well.”

“Erwin Smith you better fucking delete that.”

“Once we take a normal one I’ll delete it. Ready?” And he holds the phone up again.

This time, Levi attempts to snatch the phone out of Erwin’s hand. But Erwin holds it just out of reach and takes the picture as Levi’s lunging for it. The resulting photo is even less flattering than the first.

“Delete. That. _Now_.”

But Erwin’s laughing too much to respond. He looks at the picture again and falls back into the couch cushions, sides shaking with delight.

So Levi takes advantage of this moment of weakness and snatches the phone away.

“Wait!” Erwin says, but he’s too late. Levi hastily moves to the other side of the couch and snaps three unflattering pictures of Erwin desperately trying to get his phone back.

Erwin’s hand closes around it just as Levi’s about to take a fourth. He anxiously opens it up to check the damage.

“Oh god,” he moans. Levi scoots closer to look over his shoulder at the pictures. In the first, Erwin’s startled, mouth open and face still red from laughing. The second has him looking increasingly alarmed, and in the third (and worst), he’s reaching for the phone while he grits his teeth. The camera caught him with a wild, almost feral look on his face, eyes wide and teeth bared.

“That’s your face in bed,” Levi says.

“Shut up.” Erwin gives Levi a shove.

“That’s what you get for trying to take a selfie.”

“But I really want a picture of us,” Erwin says, apparently not giving up. “Because you’re so handsome.” He wraps his arms around Levi’s middle and, amid Levi’s protests, gives him a series of kisses on his cheek.

“Nope, stop that. Flattery gets you nowhere.”

“Please?”

“I don’t photograph well.”

“That can’t be true, you’re so attractive.”

“Let go of me.” Erwin just squeezes tighter and speeds up the kisses. “Okay, okay, fine. One picture. Just one.”

Finally, Erwin releases Levi from that suffocating hold. “Thank you.”

“Just get it over with.”

 Erwin holds the phone horizontally out in front of them, and Levi positions himself so that they’re both in the frame. “Smile,” Erwin says, and he takes the picture.

They both lean over the phone screen to inspect it. All things considered, Levi thinks it came out pretty ok.

“You’re not smiling,” Erwin says.

“Yes I am.”

“No, you’re not.”

“That’s how I smile.”

“I want a big smile.”

“Now you’re just pushing it.”

“One more, with a bigger smile.”

Levi sighs and rolls his eyes. “Fine.”

They position themselves again, and this time Levi takes special care to smile.

“Oh my god,” Erwin says with horror when they look at the new picture.

“You wanted me to smile.”

Levi, out of spite, had given the biggest open-mouthed grin he could muster. It would have looked exaggerated on anyone; on Levi’s normally stoic face, it looked downright creepy.

“You look terrifying in this.”

“I’m offended.”

“I want a _real_ smile.”

“It’s a big smile. I don’t see what the problem is.”

Erwin’s already lifting the phone again. “A big, real smile.”

“You said one picture.”

“One _good_ picture.”

“So picky.”

Levi gets into position again, but he decides he’s had enough of picture taking. So, just before Erwin takes the shot, Levi distracts him in the most effective way he can think of – with a sudden kiss on the lips.

Erwin falls backwards in surprise, and Levi finds himself on top of him. He can feel Erwin laughing under him, and he can feel Erwin’s free hand sneak around his middle to hold him closer.

“I’m done with selfies,” Levi says when they part.

“Wait, I think I may have taken it,” Erwin says. He lifts the phone up and goes into his photos. Levi watches Erwin’s face as his eyes flick over the screen. “Oh my god,” he says. “Levi, look.”

He turns the phone around so Levi can see. Somehow, Erwin managed to accidentally take the picture right at the moment Levi kissed him. Levi’s eyes are closed, his cheek and temple in the foreground of the shot. Behind Levi’s face is Erwin’s, eyes wide open in surprise.

Levi looks at it, and something clenches in his heart. “Delete it,” he says, though he’s not sure he really wants Erwin to.

“No,” Erwin says, pocketing the phone. “I think I got my perfect picture.”

*****

They make love slowly that night, as though trying to make it last forever. Erwin peppers Levi with kisses along his chest and collarbone, leaves a trail of affection down the column of his neck. Levi runs his hands across Erwin’s shoulders and down his back, taking in every detail of how Erwin feels and how he moves. Of Erwin’s warmth and tenderness. It’s during these nights, and only these nights, that Levi feels truly happy.

When they finish, they collapse into each other, Erwin holding Levi close. Levi listens to the rhythm of their hearts, the evenness of their breathing. He hears Erwin say, “I love you,” into his ear.

Ever since Erwin’s confession a couple months ago, he’s been saying those words often. Usually after sex, or when they wake up together in the morning. But he’ll sometimes say them at random moments, too, like when they’re cooking dinner together or watching TV or, once, when Levi was brushing his teeth. But no matter how often Erwin says it, it continues to sound strange.

As for Levi, he’s only said it that once. He’ll respond when Erwin says it with a playful insult, or with the word “yeah,” or, if he’s feeling affectionate, “me too.” But those words . . . those words feel wrong in Levi’s mouth. As though they don’t quite fit. And whenever he tries to say them, his throat seems to close around them, preventing the words from getting out. So now Levi just says, “yeah,” and holds Erwin close, and he hopes it’s enough.

It feels bad. He wants to give Erwin the words he knows Erwin wants to hear. But he can’t. Even now, it scares him a little whenever Erwin says it. Affection he can understand, caring for each and enjoying each other’s company makes sense, but love . . . Levi’s not even sure what love is. He’s not sure he knows how to be loved. And he’s not sure he can truly give any love in return. Because even after all this time with Erwin, Levi is still convinced that he can’t be with anyone for any length of time.

But Erwin seems to accept the “yeah.” He gives Levi a kiss on the temple before the two of them drift off to sleep.

*****

When Levi wakes up, the warm, homey of cooking comes from the kitchen. He steps out of his room to see Erwin, dressed in a t-shirt and boxers, making pancakes.

“Good morning,” Erwin says.

“Pancakes. Good.” Levi’s not very eloquent first thing in the morning.

“Anything for you, my dear.”

“We talked about the pet names,” Levi says as he gets out plates and silverware. He hates pet names. He can’t see himself as anyone’s “dear” or “love” or “honey.” The words don’t fit him, and because of that they make him almost nervous. If Erwin sees him as “dear”, what’s he going to do when he finds out that Levi very much isn’t?

“I’m sorry. They slip out sometimes. Because you are very dear to me.”

“Mm. Stop with the smooth tongue.”

“You think I’m smooth?” Erwin says with a grin. Levi stops on his way to the table for a kiss.

“No, you’re a loser who thinks he’s smooth,” Levi says. He sets the table while Erwin piles the last of the pancakes onto a plate.

“Well, apparently it’s worked on at least one person.”

They sit down, loading up their plates with pancakes and syrup. Levi takes his first bite and it is, as usual, delicious. Erwin has a special talent for breakfast food.

“Levi, I want to talk to you about something,” Erwin says and the playful tone of earlier is gone.

Levi looks at Erwin and waits. This, he’s sure, is going to be about whatever was bothering Erwin the night before.

“I care for you more than anything, and this relationship is very important to me,” Erwin says. “I want to be public about how much I love you. I’d like this to finally be an official relationship.”

Levi stares down at his pancakes. Swallows. Erwin has tried to broach this topic before, but Levi had successfully shut him down each time he did. He just said he wasn’t ready, or they’d talk about it later. But he can already tell that Erwin won’t be shut down this time.

“And what exactly does being in an official relationship mean?” Levi asks. He knows the answer. He just wants to stall having to give Erwin his response.

“Not being a secret anymore Using the word ‘boyfriend.’ That’s what we are. It feels silly to not say it. And I want to be able to tell my sister, and my friends, and casually mention my boyfriend to co-workers. I want to hold your hand in public. I want to display pictures of us together. I want to be proud of what we have. ”

Levi shrugs. “I don’t see why any of those things are particularly special.” He uses the process of eating his breakfast as an excuse to stare at the plate instead of looking at Erwin.

“You don’t see why it’s special to be proud of what we have?”

Shit. That was not the right thing to say. “That’s . . . that’s not what I meant. I already am.”

“Then why hide it?”

Levi doesn’t have an answer for that. Or, rather, he has an answer, but not one Erwin will like. He wants to hide because taking the extra step, using the word “boyfriend” and being official, would mean more commitment. And Levi had never seen a commitment between two people that actually worked out in the long run. Every time someone promised a commitment to him, it had failed. Every foster family, every childhood friend, even his adoptive father. If he committed to Erwin, if he started saying “boyfriend” and making public demonstrations of love, that just seemed like the next step towards the inevitable end. And Levi wanted to drag out what they had for as long as possible.

But Erwin would never understand that. So Levi shrugs and says “I don’t want everyone to know our business.”

“It’s not like we’d be making out in public It’s perfectly normal to know that two people are together.”

“I just don’t want to.”

“Well I really do. So please try to help me understand why you don’t.”

“Because . . .” Levi feels his throat close, just like it does when he tries to say “I love you.” He fights to speak around it. “It’s just a lot of commitment.”

“You’re not already committed to me?”

That question hits Levi like a punch in the gut. Erwin looks at him steadily, trying to appear confrontational, but there’s hurt behind his eyes.

“No, that’s not what I meant,” Levi says. “I am.”

“But you’re not committed enough?”

“No. God, Erwin, I am. More committed than to anything else in my life. I just . . .”

“You just what?” His voice is soft and pleading.

“I don’t know. I just can’t. I’m sorry.”

Erwin sighs. He sits back in his chair, defeated.

“I’m just messed up,” Levi tries to explain. “It’s my fucking messed up brain. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Erwin says with a sigh. “I understand.” But Levi can tell he doesn’t.

Erwin takes a bite of his breakfast and chews slowly, and the look on his face is so crestfallen that Levi wants to take it all back just to make Erwin smile. He wants to fall to his knees and apologize and swear that he’ll be Erwin’s boyfriend and shout it from the rooftops.

But he can’t.

When Erwin speaks again, his tone is slow and thoughtful. “Levi, I want to suggest something to you. And I need you to know that I’m not just saying this because I want to be official. I have been thinking this for a while. And I’m saying this because I care about you, and not because I want something. But . . . Levi, have you ever considered going to therapy?”

Something twists in Levi’s gut. He no longer feels sorry for Erwin. His remorse is covered up by a sudden rush of anger. “No,” he says.

“I think it might be a good idea for you. It could help you be able to open up to people, not to mention getting the panic attacks under control. I know you’ve been through a lot of trauma that I don’t know the details of, and it may be helpful for you to have a place to-”

“No,” Levi says again.

“Can you tell me why not?”

“I don’t need it.”

Erwin hesitates at this. “Levi, you’re not happy. You’re not comfortable keeping people around, and I feel like we’re constantly on the verge of ending our relationship despite how much we love each other. You need help being vulnerable with others. And you also need help managing the panic attacks. Those aren’t things that can just get better on their own.”

Levi recognizes, objectively, that Erwin’s has something of a point. Erwin and Hanji are really the only people Levi hasn’t successfully pushed out of his life, and that’s mostly due to pure stubbornness on their parts. (He still cares deeply for Farlan, but he hasn’t called him for a long time. Calling him is too difficult. He makes Levi think of Isabel.)

And as for the panic attacks, well, Erwin’s even more right than he realizes. For every attack that Erwin sees and knows about, there are two that he doesn’t.

Erwin may be right about the problem, but his choice of a solution is very wrong. “I’m not talking to some shitty shrink about how to vulnerable.”

“Levi, be reasonable.”

“I am being reasonable. I don’t need a shrink. I’m doing fine without one.”

“But you could be doing better.”

“I am doing a thousand times better than most other people that grew up in my situation.”

“That’s true, but that doesn’t mean-”

“Look.” Levi cuts him off. Drops his fork and crosses his arms on the table, glaring at Erwin. “You think it’s easy to walk into a shrink’s office and start dredging up my feelings? It’s not. There’s a reason that shit’s bottled up. The stuff I’d have to talk about is stuff no one should ever have to think about. There are good reasons why I can’t connect to anyone, and it has a lot to do with spending most of my childhood getting abandoned, getting forgotten, and sometimes getting beaten. And talking about all that shit isn’t going to heal me. The only way I can get through the fucking day is by not thinking about it.”

Erwin looks almost horrified now. He knew that Levi had been in some bad situations, but it’s probably very different to hear it confirmed. Levi almost feels bad for upsetting him like this. Would be feeling bad if he didn’t already feel so pissed.

“So when you think about all the crap I lived through, I am doing fine,” Levi continues. “Fuck, I’m doing great. I got myself out of that situation. I’m holding down a job. I built myself a fucking life away from everything. And I did it on my own strength. So you can take your fucking notions of vulnerability and shove them up your ass.”

Erwin seems too shocked to reply. Levi gets up to wash the pancake griddle. He notices, distantly, that he’s shaking.

“Levi, I’m sorry,” Erwin says. “I didn’t realize.”

“Whatever.”

“Would . . . would you like me to go?”

“Probably a good idea.”

“Okay. I’ll call you tonight.”

“Sure.” He scrubs at some dried batter in the corner and keeps scrubbing once it’s gone. Vaguely, he hears Erwin enter the bedroom to get dressed. Hears him again when he comes out again. Hears him say, “I love you.”

Levi doesn’t respond.

He doesn’t hear the door opening and closing, but when he looks up, Erwin’s gone.

Levi feels his breath get shorter and his heartbeat quicken. He has just enough time to whisper, “Fuck,” before sinking to the floor and succumbing to the panic attack.

*****

Levi answers as briefly as possible when Erwin calls him that night, says he’s fine when Erwin can clearly tell he’s not. But Erwin knows better than to push Levi, at least not until he’s given him some space.

If anything, Levi’s response to his suggestion of therapy made Erwin even more certain Levi needed it. But he also understands why Levi doesn’t feel ready. Why he may never feel ready.

That night, Erwin goes to bed feeling awful, feeling equal parts guilty for upsetting Levi so much and worried about how Levi’s doing now. But the following day, when Erwin gives Levi a call, Levi doesn’t pick up.

So he gives Levi space. He can do that, as difficult as it is. Maybe Levi will be more willing to talk after they’ve both calmed down. (Probably not.)

As for the issue of becoming “official,” Erwin considers that conversation a failure. It probably can’t be comfortably brought up again for quite some time. And that realization pains him. Erwin doesn’t want to pressure Levi or make him do anything that he wouldn’t be comfortable with. But he’s also tired of waiting.

Because while it’s true that “boyfriend” is just a word, and that many couples less devoted than they are consider themselves “official,” Erwin can’t help but feel that’s something’s missing if they don’t. Until Levi starts using that word, until he feels ready to commit, it seems to Erwin as though they’re hanging in some kind of limbo, waiting to take the next step.

Erwin wants to stay with Levi, to continue building a relationship with the man he loves. But he’s getting very tired of waiting.

*****

The next few weeks are tense. When Erwin tries to discuss their argument, Levi shuts him down. He doesn’t want to go there, doesn’t want to have anything to do with it. But the argument’s still between them, still hanging in the air, and it seeps into their time together and taints what should have been sweet with something foul.

It doesn’t help that, once again, Erwin’s work picks up. The double workload stopped when his firm hired someone new, but now Pixis wants Erwin to be in charge of training the new hire. This is on top of other added responsibilities, new tasks that seem to compound on each other with each passing day. By this point he’s doing more to create cases and craft arguments than the senior lawyer he works under. When that lawyer stands in front of the judge, it’s Erwin’s words that come out of his mouth.

And they work. The cases Erwin builds work. Kids end up in the best custody situations, family disputes are settled. And the success only drives Erwin to dedicate himself to the job even more.

He goes a week without seeing Levi. Then two. Then, when they finally make time for a dinner together, Levi’s tense and quiet. He’s mad, and this time none of Erwin’s apologies work.

“Levi, I am sorry. I know I’ve been especially bad recently.” Levi doesn’t react. “I’ve just been given more responsibilities. But Levi, you come first, I swear.”

“You’re full of shit,” Levi says.

“No, really, you do. I’m bad at balancing my work with other things, I realize it, but I swear I love you before anything else. ”

“Yeah, whatever. Get the chicken out of the oven.” And he turns his back on Erwin, ending the conversation.

*****

The following day, Pixis asks Erwin into his office.

“I’ve never met a young junior lawyer as dedicated as you are,” he says.

“Thank you very much.”

“It’d be a shame to ever lose you.”

“Thank you.”

“That being said, it’d be a bigger shame to let you waste away as a junior lawyer when you’re clearly destined for something greater.”

 Erwin’s breath catches at those words. “What do you mean, sir?” Erwin asks.

“Our sister firm in New York has recently lost their star family lawyer. I’ve recommended you as her replacement, if you’re willing to take the position.”

Erwin’s immediately starts thinking through the possibilities. He always intended to seek a promotion eventually, but he had thought it would be at least another year before he’d have the opportunity. An early promotion meant more chances to do good through his work. It meant more power to choose cases that he thought were just, and more control over how those cases passed through the system. Not to mention a very comfortable salary, with room to perhaps save up enough to break away and start a practice of his own in a few years. This promotion, in short, would help him do everything he’d ever wanted to do.

“The head of the firm has requested a remote interview with you, but if you’re interested the position is virtually guaranteed. Of course, you’d have to relocate.”

“That would be fine,” Erwin says quickly. “I’m honored to be considered for this position, and I’d be happy to conduct an interview for it.”

Pixis smiles. “Excellent. I’ll instruct their HR department to contact you immediately.”

*****

Erwin’s birthday is only a couple weeks away. This, he thinks to himself, is an early birthday present.

The phone interview goes exceptionally well, and he receives the job offer a couple days after. Erwin cannot believe how well, or how quickly, everything is working out.

He waits until he’s accepted the job offer before telling anyone about it, just in case things fall through. But when he does, he contacts everyone he knows, growing more thrilled at the news with every phone conversation. He calls his family, his closest friends, even his more distant relatives.

He calls everyone except Levi.

Levi, Erwin knows, will be complicated, and that’s a conversation that needs to happen face-to-face. Long distance will mean a fundamental change in their relationship, and he’s not sure how Levi will react, especially given how tense the past few weeks had ben. But they’ll work through it, Erwin’s certain of that. They have to.

(Weeks later, Erwin would look back on this conversation and realize that he always knew how it would end. But he hoped.)

*****

One week to the day before Erwin’s twenty-seventh birthday, he and Levi have dinner together. It feels more like a formality than a real dinner. Levi’s quiet, standoffish. Erwin’s awkward, waiting for the right time to break the news. If he had the luxury, he would choose a day when Levi was in a better mood. But he doesn’t. He has to tell him as soon as possible, figure out the details of long distance before he begins the process of packing up for the move.

They have a stilted conversation at the beginning of the meal, and it quickly descends into awkward silence. Halfway through, Erwin can’t put it off any longer. He takes a deep breath and launches into the conversation he knows will be difficult.

“Levi, there’s something I need to tell you.”

Levi looks up at him. His gray eyes are steady, searching. If Erwin didn’t know him so well, he would say Levi was disinterested. But by now he can read even the tiniest subtleties of Levi’s expression. And he can see the spark of worry behind that carefully stoic mask.

“I . . . I know that things haven’t been easy between us recently. And they may become even more difficult. But I need you to know that I want you to be first in my life. And I’ll do whatever I can to make that happen.”

“Fuck, Erwin, spit it out.”

“I’ve been offered a new job. In New York City.”

Levi stares. Doesn’t say anything for an agonizing second. And then simply repeats, “New York City.”

“Yes.”

“What’s the job?”

“A position in our sister firm. Family law specialist.”

“Hm. Well. Are you going to take it?”

“I . . . already have.”

“Already have?”

“Yes.”

Levi turns his head to the side and he freezes, face utterly blank. Erwin wants to reach out to him, shake him out of that stony silence and beg him to say something.

But Levi doesn’t say anything. Instead, he laughs.

The laughter’s quiet, but it feels deafening. It’s not mirthful, not the rare treasure of a laugh that Erwin loves. It’s a laugh Erwin hasn’t heard before, something dark and bitter.

“Well,” Levi says. And he finally turns back to face Erwin. “That definitely makes this easier.”

“Makes what easier?”

“Erwin, it’s time for us to break up. For good.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> . . . Sorry. 
> 
> **Poll News:** I had initially planned to keep the poll up for the span of two updates in order to get the most responses possible. I had also expected twenty, maybe thirty responses. There is no way I could have planned for SEVENTY-ONE responses. 71. That's so many people invested in what I'm writing. And that's pretty darn overwhelming. 
> 
> That being said, I have no intention of announcing the winner until after this story's over. Build up the suspense a little, you know? So the poll is still open. If you have not yet voted for the au I'm going to write next, you can find descriptions of the three different options [ here ](http://levismushroomcut.tumblr.com/private/118412551062/tumblr_no0f83pVHX1qit7ep). The link to the poll itselfis at the bottom of the page. 
> 
> Thanks for reading! Don't hurt me!


	16. Emptiness and Loneliness

Erwin is falling.

The ground has lost its firmness, and his surroundings have grown blurry. Too late, Erwin realizes just what he’s done, and he feels sick.

He knows he needs to say something, but the words aren’t coming. All Erwin can do is choke out a desperate “No.” 

Levi doesn’t reply. But he’s meeting Erwin’s gaze, and his expression is firm.

“No. Levi, please.”

“It’s time to end it, Erwin.”

“Levi, please. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. It was stupid of me not to tell you before. But I did have my reasons. Please, let me explain. We can work this out.”  

“No, we can’t,” Levi snaps.

The words are a slap. Levi’s eyes are ice.

“We’ve been angry at each other for a month,” Levi says.

“We just need to talk-”

“We don’t fucking need to talk.” Levi swallows, the icy stare faltering, but in an instant it’s back. “We don’t work, Erwin.”

“That’s not true. Please, Levi.”

“You want something official. I can’t do that. And you want me to be fine with you disappearing for weeks on end.”

“I . . .” Erwin can’t say more. The words stick, choking him. He can’t breathe.

“And now you’ve taken a job in New York without telling me about it. And you expect me to just . . .” Levi shakes his head. “You have the fucking nerve to beg.”

“Levi, I know . . . I know it’s not fair to you . . .”

“So why do it?”

“Because . . . please, this is important to me. Let me explain.”

Levi gets up. Leaves his meal half-eaten on the table. Approaches the sink and begins washing the pans they cooked with. “This is what you want,” he says with his back to Erwin. “I won’t hold you back.”

“But . . . you won’t stay with me.” The words come out as barely a whisper. Erwin still can’t make himself breathe.

“You should probably leave,” Levi says, callous. “Not drag this out.”

“Please, talk to me.” Erwin feels a tear slipping down his face.

“I’ve said what I have to say.”

“No. Levi, please. Don’t do this. Don’t do this again.”

Levi stiffens, pauses his scrubbing. “Erwin, go,” he says.

“I love you.”

The moment stretches forever. And Erwin watches Levi’s still form and dares to hope.

But Levi doesn’t turn around. He merely sighs, his body seeming to deflate on the exhale. “Yeah,” he says. “But we want different things.”

“I . . .” Another tear traces a path across Erwin’s cheek. “I want _you_.”

“Then give up this job.”

Erwin hesitates.

“Yeah,” Levi says. “I thought so.”

He returns to cleaning. And Erwin, in a daze, gets up and walks to the door.

He feels dizzy. His head is foggy, and nothing seems totally real. Something has to happen, he thinks. Something has to happen before he steps out that door. But he reaches the door, and nothing’s happened yet.

Erwin opens the door, but he can’t step through. He turns around. He can still see Levi’s back, hunched over the kitchen sink.

“Levi,” he says.

Levi looks over his shoulder. Their eyes meet.

“We . . . we had something really good,” Erwin says.

“Yeah,” Levi says. “We did.”

And then he turns back to the sink. And Erwin, fighting against his every instinct and desire, steps out the door.

*****

_“Why, Levi?”_

_It was the eyes that really got to Levi. Levi loved those eyes, thought they were the deepest shade of blue he had ever seen. Now, those eyes were brimming with tears because of him._

_But Levi knew what he had to do. So as Erwin continued to ask him, “Why? Why?” Levi didn’t respond. He just closed his dorm room door. Put up a barricade between himself and Erwin and, at the same time, put up a wall between his mind and his emotions._

_Levi remained stoic as he walked away from the door. And he did the only thing he could think of doing – he sat at his desk and pulled homework out of his backpack. Looked out the window in front of him. Kept it together. It was for the best. He and Erwin could never have worked out in the long run. He didn’t want to date anyone anyway. It was for the best. It was for the best._

_Levi got up. Ran to his door and threw it open, ready to take it all back._

_But Erwin had already gone._

_So he closed it again and sank to the floor, all strength suddenly sapped out of him._

_That afternoon’s panic attack had been particularly bad._

*****

Levi hears the door close. He turns off the water. Waits. Counts his breaths and forces himself to keep it together.

Then he runs to the living room window. Throws it open. Leans out the window to look for that figure that he knows so well.

Erwin turns the corner just as Levi looks, and he covers his mouth to keep himself from yelling after him.

Then he drops to the floor. He knows what’s coming. Time to just ride it out.

But for some reason, Levi doesn’t panic that night. There’s no anxiety, no shortness of breath or racing heart. Instead, Levi is . . . blank. Terribly, soul-crushingly blank.

He buries his face in his hands, and his hands come away wet. He doesn’t know when he started to cry.

“It’s for the best,” he whispers to himself. His throat is raspy, and his words seem to come from a voice not his own. “It’s for the best.” Then he chokes back a sob. Stays under his living room window until the early hours of the morning, drifting in and out of a fitful sleep.

*****

Erwin’s birthday present arrives in the mail the following day, a cruel twist of irony.

Levi had ordered it before the most recent string of work-related absences. Back when their argument over commitment had been fresh in his mind. And he had decided that maybe, maybe he would be willing to take the next step for Erwin.

His resolve had faltered shortly after ordering the present, and it faltered even further when Erwin became even busier than before. When it became clear that Levi would always be second in Erwin’s life.

The decision to break up again came quickly after that, and once it came, Levi couldn’t stop thinking about it. Just like the first break-up, all those years ago, the fear and the need to separate himself from a relationship became so overwhelming that Levi could not escape it. So all-encompassing that Levi had no choice but to act on it. 

Erwin’s decision to take a job in another city wasn’t the primary reason for the break-up. Levi’s fear, his firm knowledge that Erwin wouldn’t stick around in the long run, was the reason. Erwin’s new job just gave him the right opportunity.

Now, the time when Levi had ordered this present seemed so distant. Another life, even though it was only a few weeks ago. He takes it out of the box with trembling hands.

It’s a nice watch, simple but elegant (not to mention expensive). The watch is one half of the present. And the other is an engraving on the underside of the watch face.

 _For my boyfriend_.

Levi puts the watch back in the box.

And he hurls the box against the wall.

*****

Mike gives Erwin a birthday party. A couple weeks after that, his family gives him a going away party.

Erwin barely notices.

Everything is blank. He still completes his work well. He finds housing in New York, packs up his belongings. If there’s one thing Erwin can do well, it’s keep himself together. Move on even though he feels like falling apart. Produce exemplary work even when the job he used to love now makes him sick.

He keeps himself together, but everything has a gray tint to it – his home, his office, every item he places in a neatly labeled box to be shipped out to his new apartment. Everything seems flat and lifeless. Pointless.

Mike notices. He tries to talk to Erwin. But it doesn’t help.

“Could you try talking to Levi again?”

“No,” Erwin says. “Levi can be very stubborn.” And he could not handle seeing those icy eyes again, did not want to once again hear that voice callously demand that he leave.

When Mike realizes talking to Levi won’t be an option, he says, “Maybe it’s for the best. You two clearly had some points where you couldn’t agree.”

Erwin doesn’t respond to that. He knows it’s not for the best.

“And hey,” Mike says, trying for encouragement. “You’ll get through this. Remember how broken up you were about Marie? But that passed. And this will too.”

Mike’s wrong, though Erwin doesn’t say anything. What he had with Marie doesn’t come close to comparing to what he had with Levi.

By the time he’s ready to move, he’s grateful. His home city holds too many ghosts of Levi that he’s eager to get away from. So it’s with a bleak form of optimism that he moves away, hoping that he’ll leave his love for Levi behind, too.

*****

Hanji visits Levi. It’s been one week since the break-up. Or maybe two. Levi’s stopped keeping track of the date.

“Hey, if he did something shitty like taking that job without telling you, maybe you were right.”

Levi doesn’t respond. He doesn’t take any of the ice cream Hanji offers, either. Instead, he absently balances the tip of the spoon on the kitchen table while looking out the window.

He doesn’t like sitting at the kitchen table. That’s where he and Erwin ate their dinners together. The whole kitchen is tainted with the memories of their home-cooked meals. But he can’t go into the living room, because that’s where he and Erwin made out and watched movies and curled up together on the couch. And his bedroom is where he and Erwin slept together during some of the most blissful nights of his life.

His whole apartment is filled with the ghosts of Erwin.

“But you clearly don’t feel that way,” Hanji says.

Levi doesn’t remember what Hanji’s talking about, so he stays quiet.

“Levi, you need to talk to Erwin. You still care for him.”

“Fuck off,” Levi says.

“I’m sure you two can work things out. You clearly still-”

“I said fuck off.”

“Levi, you need listen to me.”

“I don’t need to do shit.” He turns the spoon over in his fingers, around and around, something to focus on instead of the pain.

“Please. You need to talk this through with someone. I hate seeing you like this.”

“No.” Levi slams the spoon down on the table. “Let’s do something else fun, instead. How about you leave me the fuck alone?”

Hanji crosses their arms and sits back in their chair. “Levi, I know you’re in a lot of pain right now,” they say. “But that doesn’t give you an excuse to be a bitch.”

“Ouch. I’m hurt.”

“Levi, I want to help.”

“I don’t need your help.” He looks them dead in the eye and says, “I don’t need you at all. I don’t need anyone.” He’s not sure who he’s trying to convince.

Hanji meets his gaze and glares back. They’re stuck in a juvenile staring contest, seeing who can be fierce enough for long enough to convince the other that they’re right.

Eventually, Hanji takes a deep breath and says, “Levi, I understand this is hard for you.”

Levi snorts. He goes back to twirling the spoon. “Yeah, I’m sure you do. I’m sure you have lots that you can relate to, with that perfect little relationship of yours.”

“And I understand that you’re sorting through a lot of emotions.”

“What, are you a shrink now?”

“And I understand that you’re just using that bitterness as a mask to hide how broken you’re feeling, and it’s not working on me.”

Now Levi narrows his eyes, crosses his arms on the table. “Well, you think you understand everything, don’t you? Congratulations on being so fucking smart. You don’t understand shit. You don’t understand what’s going on with me and you have no fucking idea what will make it better.” He tries to think of what he can say that will effectively get Hanji out of his apartment. Once he does, the words come out before he can stop himself. “And I don’t need any ‘understanding’ from a crazy person who can’t even understand what fucking gender they are.”

 The look of shock on Hanji’s face gives him a feeling of vindictive satisfaction. A feeling that’s very, very short lived. Guilt quickly replaces it, but it’s too late to take anything back.

Hanji stands up slowly. They take their jacket off the back of their chair and slip it on, clearly intending to leave. Well, Levi got his wish.

“You know,” Hanji says, thoughtful. “I’ve known you for eight years. And for eight years, you’ve been nothing but accepting and supportive of my gender – which, as we both know, is something I have complete understanding of. So I know you don’t actually believe what you said. Which means that you only said that to hurt me.”  They lean their elbow on the table, bringing their face down close to Levi’s. “That’s something I fucking ‘understand.’ And guess what? It worked.”

Levi’s silent, careful to not give anything away in his expression.   

“If you want to push away every human being that’s ever cared about you, that’s your choice.” Levi stands up quickly, ready to dispute them. Hanji doesn’t falter. “Call me if you change your mind. If not, enjoy your lonely life.”

“I will,” Levi hisses.

Once Hanji’s gone, Levi sinks back down into his chair. The panic attack greets him like an old friend.

*****

_“I told you not to let him go,” Isabel says. She’s cleaning a birdcage, and there’s a little knowing smile on her face. As casual and cheerful as ever, as if she hadn’t ripped a hole in Levi’s heart with her passing._

_“You’re dead.”_

_“I know that, sil-”_

_“You left me!” Levi shouts at her. “You left me behind! Don’t you dare tell me what to do, you’re the one that left!”_

_“Big bro.” Isabel stares at him, offended. “I never left you.”_

*****

Levi wakes up the next day and manages to go to work without any grief or guilt plaguing him. Instead, he’s utterly blank. There’s no emotion at all, good or bad. And maybe that’s for the best. He can survive like this.

Farlan calls him that afternoon. Levi stares at the phone while it rings, hesitating, and eventually declines the call.

*****

The new apartment is nice. That’s what Erwin says to his mother, his relatives, his friends. It’s spacious, on a relatively quiet street (for New York). Nice. But it’s also empty.

“It’s in a good neighborhood,” Erwin says over the phone. “And everything I need is on the main road, just a block away. I got very lucky to find such a good place so quickly.”

“Glad to hear it,” Mike replies. “Hey, are you going to look up the friend I gave you the name of? I can let him know about you if you want.”

Erwin stares around his apartment. It’s nice, he thinks to himself for the hundredth time. He’ll make new memories here, good ones. “Maybe.”

“Make sure you make friends, man,” Mike says. “I don’t like idea of you living all alone over there.”

“I’ll be fine,” Erwin says.

“Okay. Just try not to plunge too far into your work,” Mike continues. “You’ve kind of been in too deep lately.”

“Of course not. I haven’t been pushing myself that hard,” Erwin lies.

“Hey, I know why you do this, man. I remember you telling me about your dad. Just . . . he’d want you to be happy first, right?”

His dad. It’s odd Mike should bring that up. Erwin usually doesn’t think about his dad. But recently, he’s been appearing in Erwin’s dreams.

“I don’t know what you mean,” Erwin says.

“Yeah, you do. Just take breaks from your work every now and then, okay?”

“Sure.” Erwin has no intention of doing anything of the sort. Focusing on his work helps him to not think about Levi.

*****

Life is a pattern, and the pattern keeps away the pain. Get up, go to work. Come home, do some final chores, go to bed. A process, a way to survive. Nothing more than that.

Levi’s effectively isolated now, and he’s stuck at a job he hates, but he’s surviving. The empty feeling persists, but it’s better than pain. Better than thinking about Erwin. And he’s secure without the worries that come from having other people around. It’s not much of a life, but it’s good enough.

Erwin plunges himself into the job. There’s no time to meet anyone in the new city, and very little time to even call his friends at home, but that doesn’t matter when he’s totally focused on his work. Erwin meets his first few clients shortly after starting, and it seems like a matter of minutes before he finds himself arguing, and winning, his first case in court. It’s great. Or, at least, the success is great. Erwin doesn’t feel great. Only empty.

*****

Erwin unpacks from the move slowly. He does as much as he can the first weekend he arrives, but after that he’s so occupied with his work that he can only unpack a little bit at a time. That’s why it takes him two weeks to get to the box with his pictures in it.

Erwin sorts through pictures of his family, of him and Mike, of some of his college friends. Some are framed, many are loose. He sorts them into piles to either be put on display or put in storage. Then Erwin gets close to the bottom of the box, and his heart stops.

Levi looks up at him.

He poses in the frame next to Erwin, their heads almost touching as they lean in for the selfie. Levi has his typical neutral expression, but there’s a light in his eyes that clearly shows he’s happy. With trembling fingers, Erwin picks it up.

He had printed out two of the pictures they had taken the night after Hanji’s party. Levi had been given his own copies as well. That seemed like ages ago, even though it had only been two months.

Erwin stares, and Levi stares back. In those beautiful eyes, Erwin sees ghosts of every beautiful memory. Of every conversation and every touch. They had been so happy that night. How could he have ruined it?

Slowly, as if afraid of what he’ll find, Erwin puts that picture to the side and looks at the one underneath it.

It’s the kiss picture. Erwin sees it and remembers every detail of that night. His arm around Levi, the surprise when Levi’s lips hit his, the delight of seeing what the picture had turned out to be. How they had made love after.

Erwin looks at it and feels tears form in his eyes. One lands on the picture, right on the back of Levi’s head.

He’ll never feel those lips again. Never hear that voice or see those eyes. He’ll never be with Levi again, and it’s all his fault.

“I’m sorry, Levi,” Erwin whispers to the photograph. “I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.” Each useless apology is punctuated by the sound of a fresh tear falling on the picture.

*****

Levi finds his copies while cleaning.

The apartment has never been more spotless. Each inch is scrubbed, and then scrubbed again, as Levi works to maintain his state of blankness. He’s cleaning away his pain and grief, scrubbing until there’s nothing left of him. Desperately trying to wipe the ghosts of Erwin away.

He just hasn’t cleaned the bottom drawer of his nightstand. But one day, in his fervor to clean every inch of the apartment, he forgets. He opens the drawer and the memories stare up at him.

Two days after the break-up, Levi had methodically collected everything that might possibly remind him of Erwin. These items were placed in this bottom drawer, out of sight. Erwin’s spare toothbrush, the boxers and t-shirts Erwin always kept at Levi’s place. A few kitchen utensils Erwin had bought to aid their cooking. The broken remnants of the watch that, for whatever reason, Levi hadn’t been able to bring himself to throw out.

And the pictures.

The normal one is on top. Erwin smiles at him. Levi stares back.

“You always had the most obnoxiously perfect smile,” he says. Erwin’s smile doesn’t falter, and it stirs something in Levi. Something that quickly gets pushed away again.

Levi knows what’s under that picture, and he doesn’t want to see it. He puts his hands on the drawer and pushes, ready to close it and walk away. But he stops and, driven by some unknown force, Levi reaches into the drawer to pull out the kiss.

He remembers that night, remembers the feel of those lips. Remembers kissing and being kissed, holding and being held. No one had ever held him like that before. And no one ever would again.

“All because you couldn’t stick around,” Levi spits, and then, acting on impulse, he rips the picture in two.

The halves of the photographs flutter to the ground, landing several feet away from each other. Now the two of them are separated by an expanse of carpet and a jagged line that runs right through where Levi’s face met Erwin’s.

Levi stands up and stares at the broken picture. And something snaps.

“I’m sorry,” he says, and he’s picking up the two halves. He hurries out to the kitchen and frantically searches for his tape. When he turns the broken photograph over and lines up the jagged edge, he realizes that his fingers are trembling.

“I’m sorry,” he says. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” He’s not quite sure who he’s apologizing to. With unsteady hands, Levi carefully tapes the photograph back together. When he turns it over, the rip is still clear, but at least it’s whole.

At least some part of that relationship still is.

Something breaks in Levi. He collapses onto a kitchen chair and begins to feel again.

*****

_“I told you not to let him go.”_

_“You left me.” Levi points his finger at Isabel, accusing. “You left me. And so did he. He fucking left. Had a job that was more important than me. I didn’t let him go. He left me.”_

_“You also let him go,” Isabel says. She’s feeding a pet bird, like she often does in Levi’s dreams. Levi’s really growing to hate that damn bird._

_“What the fuck does that mean? I can’t let him go if he decides to leave me.”_

_“Big bro,” Isabel says, “You know exactly what I mean.”_

*****

Erwin works. He works in the morning, through the afternoon, and into the night. Wakes up the next day to do it all again.

He doesn’t talk to anyone. Mike calls once a week; Erwin pretends to be ok. His mother calls every couple days; he pretends for her, too. Otherwise, Erwin does not talk. He doesn’t need anyone, he tells himself. He doesn’t need a social life to be a great lawyer. He doesn’t need people around him to accomplish his goals.

He doesn’t even need himself, not really. Erwin’s able smiles at clients and colleagues, create his cases and argue them. But he’s not really there underneath it all. He feels himself growing blank, unable to find joy in anything. And that’s okay. He’s already lost what’s most important to him for the sake of this job. He might as well lose everything else, too.

*****

Farlan calls once a week for the next month until, finally, Levi picks up.

When he speaks his throat feels dry and closed, and Levi realizes that this is the first time in weeks that he’s said a word that wasn’t essential to say. The first time in weeks that he’s talked to someone he genuinely likes.

“Levi. Oh my god. Where have you been?” Farlan asks. “I’ve been calling you for weeks. I’ve been freaking out. Why didn’t you reply to any of my messages?”

Levi’s not ready to answer that. “Everything ok?”

“I should be asking you that. Yeah, I’m fine. Just worried about you.”

Worried about him. Levi’s tempted to tell Farlan not to waste his time. “I’m sorry, I’ve been busy. What is it?”

“God, well don’t get that busy again, okay? Sometimes I want to hear from the last sibling I’ve got.”

Levi’s throat feels dry. “I’m sorry.”

“You sure you don’t want to tell me what’s wrong?”

Farlan knows him too well. Levi hesitates. “I really don’t.”

“Fine. But later, okay? Look, I was originally calling to see if you wanted to spend Thanksgiving out here with me. I used to . . . you know, I went to Isabel’s family and had Thanksgiving with them. But I wouldn’t want to . . . it just wouldn’t feel right, you know? Anyway, plane tickets are probably too expensive this close to the holiday, but if you can. Especially since we haven’t seen each other since . . . well, yeah.”

There’s a lump in Levi’s throat. He wants to say yes. But he’s in no shape to be around anyone. After methodically cutting out everyone else in his life, Farlan’s now the only one left. Levi’s not sure if that means he wants to keep Farlan close, or if he wants to treat Farlan just like he’s treated everyone else he loves.

“I’ll check ticket prices,” Levi says as a means of excuse. “I’ll let you know if it’ll work out.”

“Okay. Thanks. And Levi?”

“Yeah?”

“Let me know if you need anything, okay? I know we haven’t been talking much, but we’re still brothers, right?”

“Right,” Levi chokes out.

*****

Erwin dreams about his father almost every night.

They’re similar to the dreams he had when he was younger, and the sting of his father’s death was still strong. And they’re similar to the ones he had when he first began law school. But they’re not quite the same.

It starts with a memory, as the dreams usually do. Him and his father pushing through smoke, the sound of fire crackling on either side. But then it’ll change to something that never happened. His father with him in New York, looking around at the city and commenting that he’s unimpressed. The two of them relaxing with Mike at his old apartment. His father shaking hands with Levi before turning to Erwin and saying, “Keep this one around.”

But worst by far is the one that stays in the burning building. They’re moving through heavy smoke, practically swimming in it, and Erwin can hear everything he heard that day – the snap of the flames and the distant sirens and his father saying, over and over, “Keep going Erwin, we’re almost there.” Just like that day, his father moves in front of him to take the blow from a falling beam, ending his life in the process.

But this time, as the beam crashes into his father’s skull, he doesn’t die right away. Instead, looks at Erwin through the blood on his face. And he says, “I did this so you could be happy.”

Erwin wakes up in a cold sweat. He bolts out of his bedroom, frantically turns on all the lights in his apartment, and somehow finds himself staring into the bathroom mirror as if searching for something that can calm his heart. Instead he sees himself – red rims around his eyes and tousled hair and matted stubble across his chin. A man who is slowly falling apart.

Erwin usually doesn’t think about his dad. No, he usually just thinks about the guilt – the guilt of causing Erwin Smith, Sr., a star family lawyer, to give up his life.

And that guilt had driven him to an empty apartment in New York.

*****

_“You left me,” Levi tells Isabel, the same accusation every night._

_“No, I didn’t,” she says._

_“How can you say that? You’re not here anymore. You died. You’re gone.”_

_“I’m right here.”_

_“This is just a dream. It’s not enough.”_

_“Well, would you rather you never knew me at all?”_

*****

Levi wakes up with Isabel’s question still ringing in his memory. It follows him throughout the day, echoes in his ears as he tries to fall asleep. Haunts him until, eventually, he comes up with an answer.

The next day, he orders plane tickets to see Farlan for the Thanksgiving holiday.

*****

Erwin had, consciously and openly, decided to become a family lawyer to follow in his father’s footsteps. He had also, subconsciously and a lot less openly, decided that he would help as many people as possible to atone for causing his father’s death.

It took two heartbreaks and a nightmare, but Erwin is slowly beginning to come to his senses.

Mike calls that weekend. He asks Erwin how he is. Erwin tries to say fine like he always does. But his voice falters, and he’s silent.

“Erwin?” Mike’s asks. “Are you alright?”

“Honestly? No.”

“I know man,” Mike says. “I know.”

*****

Mike helps to snap him out of it. He practically forces Erwin to contact his friend. Texts Erwin daily with forceful reminders to put away his work and do something enjoyable. It’s hard to step away – after all, there’s about twenty years of guilt holding him back. But, very, very gradually, it happens.

And when he feels the need to work harder, he just thinks of Levi. The reminder of what he did to that relationship is more than enough motivation for him to change.  

*****

Staying at Farlan’s place is a gift. There are no ghosts of Erwin around every corner. There are no memories there, good or bad. He and Farlan make Thanksgiving dinner together, and it’s the first time Levi’s cooked without thinking about Erwin.

It’s during the meal that Farlan brings up Isabel. He mentions, off-handedly, how she used to hoard the mashed potatoes. And it’s the first time in almost a year that Levi’s been able to think about Isabel without pain. So he adds a memory of his own. Then they’re trading stories, unearthing old memories, and it almost feels as though Isabel is right there with them, laughing along.

“It’s like . . . most days it’s ok,” Farlan says towards the end of the meal. “But then the smallest thing will remind me of her and . . .”

“I dream about her,” Levi says. He doesn’t know why he says that, except that it’s been so long since he’s had a real conversation that a part of him wants to say everything. Everything he’s been keeping in during the weeks since the break-up.

“Yeah? What happens in your dreams?” Farlan asks.

Levi shrugs. “She mostly just . . . tells me to not let people go.”

“That sounds like Isabel,” Farlan says. “Always reminding us what’s important.”

“Yeah.”

*****

Levi waits until the Saturday after Thanksgiving to tell Farlan about Erwin. But he does, and he ends up telling him about so much more than he ever meant to tell anyone – everything about the happiness of the relationship, and the grief of the break-up, and all the moments in between.

Farlan listens. He doesn’t offer pity, and he doesn’t offer advice. He just listens. And when Levi’s finished, he feels, for the first time in months, almost okay.

*****

Erwin comes home to his family for Thanksgiving.

It’s a relief to see his family, to stay with his mother in the house he grew up in, to be able to enjoy the simple delight of playing with Sarah. During the Thanksgiving holiday, Erwin feels better than he’s felt in the two months since the break-up.

The only break in this happiness occurs when his mother asks him, off-hand, how things are going with his “boyfriend.”

She’s focusing on her cooking when she asks, so, thankfully, she doesn’t see Erwin’s expression. Erwin considers telling her the truth, comes very close to it. He’s always had a very open relationship with his mother. But now he knows that if he began to tell her about Levi, he would never be able to stop. And he’s not ready to begin that conversation, especially not on Thanksgiving Day.

So he just says, “Oh, things are fine.” The real conversation can wait for later.

*****

The Saturday after Thanksgiving, Erwin goes to Levi’s apartment. He stares up at the familiar building, the building that had been a second home to him for so long. Then he rings Levi’s doorbell.

There’s no answer. Erwin lets out a sigh and leaves.

*****

The moment Levi returns home and steps back into his apartment, he feels his mood drop. This is the place of his depression, of his emptiness, of his loneliness. And, already, he feels himself beginning to go blank again.

Levi unpacks methodically. Makes sure everything is folded or put away neatly. Does his laundry. And then he has nothing but the promise of his usual, empty routine ahead of him.

Levi sits down on his couch and stares into space, tries to ignore the ghosts of memories that the couch holds.

Then he takes out his phone and dials Hanji’s number.

“Levi?” Their voice is questioning, tentative, when they answer . It had been almost two months since Levi last heard from them.

“Yeah. I, uh, I think I owe you an apology,” Levi says.

“Honestly? I’m just really, really happy to hear from you.”

Hanji shows up an hour later (with ice cream), and their presence is like a breath of fresh air into Levi’s blank life.

*****

“I want to thank you for all you’ve done.”

Erwin’s startled out of concentration by that voice. When he looks up, a woman is at his office door. One of his clients.

“I’m sorry to bother you. I just wanted to thank you for all you’ve done for me and my son.”

Erwin stands. “The pleasure’s all mine, ma’am,” he says. It takes him a moment to remember which case she’s from, he has so many going at once.

“Thank you. It’s just . . . hard to find someone who will stand up for us, you know? There’s no evidence for what his father’s done but my testimony, and that’s hard to stand on . . .”

He rarely received any acknowledgement from a client when he was a junior lawyer. After all, back then no one knew just how much of his work went into the case. This is new, and her simple words are more gratifying than Erwin would have ever thought they would be. He gives her a genuine smile, and the expression feels almost awkward on his face.

“Anyway, I’m sorry to bother you,” the woman says. “I’m sure you have a lot to do.”

“No, I . . .” Erwin hesitates. He doesn’t want her to leave so quickly. “Do you have time to sit for a minute? I regret that I haven’t yet had the chance to get to know you outside the technicalities of the case.”

“I . . . I do, actually. For a couple minutes, at least. Thank you.”

“Of course.” Erwin motions for his client to sit in an armchair in the corner of his office, and he sits down across from her. He really doesn’t have time to stop work, and he recognizes this. But the woman before him is going through a lot, and she probably needs someone to talk to, so he does.

That day, he doesn’t get much work done. But he leaves the office feeling that he accomplished quite a lot.  

*****

“How may I help you, sir?”

“I’d like to . . .” Levi would like to hang up the phone and pretend this call never happened. But he looks up and Hanji, who nods at him encouragingly, and he rushes through the rest of the sentence. “I’d like to schedule an appointment.”

“Alright, I’ll just need some basic information first. Can I have your name?”

Levi allows himself to be talked through the process of setting up an appointment. In just a few short minutes, he has an hour-long session scheduled for January. The cheerful secretary hangs up, and Levi throws the phone down on the couch.

“Well, I fucking did it,” he says. “I hope you’re happy. It looks like I’ll be going to a shrink.”

“I am happy,” Hanji says. “I’m happy for you.”

“Hm.”

“Can I ask, what made you finally decide to do it?”

Levi shrugs. He turns so that he’s looking across the room, and he remembers the time Erwin tried to convince Levi to get help. If only he could see him now.

“I fucked up some things that were important to me,” he says. “I don’t want to do that again.”

Hanji nods, understanding exactly what Levi’s talking about. “You’ve made the right choice for yourself,” they say.

“Yeah, well, I hope you’re right.”

*****

That night, Levi opens the nightstand’s bottom drawer for the first time in a month.

“Well,” he says, addressing his words to Erwin’s smiling face. “I’m finally fixing my messed up brain. I hope you’re happy.”

Erwin smiles, and Levi knows he would be. There’s an ache in his chest that’s growing stronger with each second.

“Too bad it’s too late, but . . . hey, maybe in four years, right?” And, for just a second, Levi almost hopes.

His phone rings in his pocket, startling him out of his thought. For a fleeting, irrational second, Levi thinks that it must be Erwin. But of course it’s not. When Levi looks at the screen, he sees a number he doesn’t recognize. Figuring it’s a wrong number, Levi denies the call and leaves the phone on his nightstand.

When he returns to his room to go to bed, he sees the voicemail icon flashing on his phone screen. Curious, Levi sits on his bed and listens.

“Hi, Levi, this is Beryl Smith, Erwin’s mother. I found your number on his phone. I’m very sorry to bother you, but . . .” And here Beryl’s voice cracks a little before she goes on. “I thought you’d . . . I thought you’d want to know that Erwin’s been in a bad car accident. We’re not sure if he’ll be ok.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If it makes you feel better, I like to headcanon that Isabel and Erwin Sr. met in heaven, became friends, and then were like "Look at our boys. Our boys are making a mess out of things. Let's fucking haunt their dreams." And they just work together as unlikely haunting besties and it's really great. (If it's the author's headcanon, that means it's canon, right?)
> 
> Ok, two orders of business.
> 
> First of all, **the poll is now closed**. I want to thank all the _NINETY FUCKING THREE_ people who voted. You don't know what an ego boost it is for this tiny fic writer to know that 93 people care what she's going to write next. The winner will be announced after the grand finale, which will be posted some time in the next 1-2 weeks. So if I haven't given you enough of a reason to watch for the last chapter, there's another one!
> 
> Second of all, [I now have a twitter](https://twitter.com/allisshiny). I haven't really posted anything because, well, I don't have any followers yet and there really isn't any point in talking if I'm not talking to anyone. Unfortunately the fact that I haven't really posted anything means that I look boring as hell and no one wants to follow me. But you guys think I'm cool, right? Come follow me? Take one for the team? I'll be entertaining I promise.
> 
> That's all. Enjoy the anxiety I've hopefully give you.


	17. Changes and a Promise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp, here it is. The end. 
> 
> Damn.

Not again.

Those words run through Levi’s mind, escape from his lips in a whispered prayer. Not again. Not again, not again, not again.

He buys bus tickets online for the earliest bus to New York. But it doesn’t leave until morning, and he has to wait through the long, empty night. No sleep comes to him. Levi sits in the dark, and he remembers Erwin the last time he saw him. Remembers Isabel in her hospital bed, silent and half-dead by the time he arrived. Remembers what it felt like to realize Isabel was no longer in the world. Not Erwin, too. Not Erwin. God, please, not Erwin.

*****

Levi’s bus leaves at five the next morning. He dozes a little during the ride, and his dreams are confused. Fitful. He sees Isabel approaching him with a red halo around her head, and Erwin’s tear-streaked face from their last night together. The faces get blurred into one, until it’s Erwin who has the red halo. There are other images, too, disjointed pictures that don’t make sense. The broken photograph. Isabel trying to release a caged bird. There’s Kenny laughing at him, and Hanji looking worried, and then there’s Erwin. No matter what he sees, it always ends with Erwin.

A voice in a crackling loudspeaker announces that they’re entering the city, jerking Levi awake. He watches as the towering buildings rise above him, and as they crawl through the thick city traffic Levi wants to scream. Each minute lost is a minute closer to being too late.

The bus finally arrives at the heart of the city at noon. Levi practically runs through the seemingly endless tunnels of the bus station. Then he’s finally out on the crowded sidewalk, fighting with a hoard of people to hail a cab.

Levi had called Erwin’s mother just long enough to get the name of the hospital. At the time when he called, Erwin was unconscious. The doctors weren’t sure if he had suffered some kind of brain trauma on top of his other injuries. Levi tries to not think about what that could mean as he gives the name of the hospital to his cab driver.

The cab fare is outrageous. Levi pays it without a second thought. Then he’s finally inside the hospital, still carrying a duffle bag that he packed during his sleepless night.

“Erwin Smith,” Levi says to the girl at reception. She’s on the phone, and she holds up a finger to tell Levi to wait.

“Erwin Smith,” he says again, more urgently. She swivels her chair away from him to better concentrate on her phone conversation.

Levi reaches across the counter, snatches the phone out of her hand, and slams it back in the cradle. Now, he has her full attention.

“Erwin. Smith,” he says to the outraged face in front him.

“Excuse me,” she says. “That was an important phone call. You can’t just-”

“God dammit just give me the room where Erwin Smith is staying!”

The words are a strangled, desperate cry, so full of emotion that they leave the girl staring at him with shock as they echo through the lobby.

“Fine,” she says eventually, once she’s overcome her surprise, and she types something into her computer. Then she stares at the screen for what seems like an agonizingly long time before saying, “I’m sorry, you can’t see him.”

“What the fuck do you mean I can’t see him?”

“No visitors outside immediate family.”

“I am immediate family,” Levi lies.

“I’m sorry, but it says here that only Beryl Smith and Ingrid Smith can see him.”

No. He did not travel all the way here to be blocked from seeing Erwin. Levi reaches across the counter and grabs the girl by her shirt.

“Tell me. Where. Erwin Smith. Is.”

The girl’s paralyzed with shock as she looks up at Levi, but she’s not giving him what he wants and he’s on the verge of breaking down. There are tears in his eyes as he chokes out a desperate, “Please.”

“Levi!” a voice calls. Levi starts up, lets go of the girl, and backs away from the counter.

Beryl Smith is hurrying down a hallway towards him. Levi’s never felt more relieved to see anyone in his life.

“Levi, oh my god, I’m so happy you made it here so quickly.”

Levi just nods. Beryl’s eyes are red, and Levi’s afraid to find out why.

“I was just going to get some fresh air and maybe pick up something to eat. Would you like to come?”

“But . . . What about . . . I mean, how is Erwin?”

“He’s in surgery right now,” she says. “Will be for the next few hours.”

“What’s . . .”

“His arm. His right arm has to be amputated.”

The information cuts through Levi’s mind slowly, as though pushing through a fog. His arm. Erwin’s losing an arm.

But he doesn’t need an arm to live.

“Is he going . . . I mean, is he okay? Will he be okay?”

It takes Beryl a moment to understand his question. But then she smiles, and god, that smile brings the most pure relief Levi has ever felt.

“He’ll be okay,” she says. “He had a lot of injuries, some internal bleeding, and a bad concussion. And he’ll have to live with a prosthetic for the rest of his life. But yes, he’ll be okay.”

He’ll be okay. Levi clutches onto those words and repeats them to himself, holds them close as he follows Beryl out into the street. He’ll be okay.

He’ll be okay.

*****

Erwin first notices a feeling that’s something like dizziness, but not quite. He’s floating, or he’s wrapped in gauze, or something like that. There’s pain, too, but it’s distant and faded.

The doctors said they needed to cut off his arm. It had been crushed in his accident, the bones shattered beyond repair, and the doctors said it needed to go before the loose bone fragments could do any damage to the rest of his body. That was the last thing Erwin remembered. But they clearly hadn’t done it yet. He can still feel his arm on the bed. He remembers being given anesthesia, but it must have not worked. Erwin opens his eyes to look for a doctor and tell him that he’s still awake.

But there’s no doctor. Instead, when he opens his eyes, he sees Levi.

Ah, Erwin thinks. This is a dream. And of course Levi would appear in his dreams. Of course. Erwin thinks the words leave his lips, but he’s not sure. It doesn’t matter, anyway.

Levi’s blurry. Erwin wishes he wasn’t. He wishes he could see Levi clearly, even if this is only in his mind.

“I’m sorry,” he says. He reaches out to touch Levi, but his arm doesn’t move.

“Erwin, sweetie?” It’s his mother’s voice. She steps into his sight, also blurry. Levi and his mother. An odd combination for his sleeping brain to come up with. His mother bends down over his bed, almost blocking Levi from his sight, and says, “How are you feeling?”

“Hi, mother,” he says. But he keeps looking at Levi.

“Do you feel alright? Are you in any pain?”

“I . . . it’s distant,” he says. “They’re going to take my arm off. Might be cutting it off as we speak.”

“No, sweetie,” she says. “It’s all over now.”

“Over . . .” Erwin looks down at his arm.

It’s gone. It’s just a stump that ends halfway down his bicep, wrapped up in bandages. Erwin stares at it, horrified.

“Over,” he says again.

“Yes. You’re okay. It’s all over now.”

“No.” The arm has to be there. He can feel it. It’s on the bed. It’s painful. It’s _there_.

He knew he would wake up without it, but he would have liked to at least still have it for this dream.

There’s a hand on his face, slender fingers as familiar as childhood. “It’s okay, sweetie. You’re okay, and that’s all that matters.”

Erwin peels his eyes away from the hideous stump and looks up at his mother. She’s not blurry anymore. In fact, every detail of her face is clear down to the last wrinkle. And he can feel her hand on his cheek.

You can’t feel in dreams.

“This . . . Is this a dream?”

“No, dear. You’re awake now.”

Awake? “But . . . Levi?”

“Yes, I called Levi last night to tell him what happened. He came down here to see you.”

Erwin turns to look at Levi, but Levi says nothing.

“Are you feeling okay, honey? Painkillers doing their job, or do you need a little more?”

“What, I . . . yeah. I think. I think I’m alright.” The room’s coming into sharper focus, but his brain still feels foggy. Forming sentences, forming complete thoughts, is difficult. He knows Levi’s there, but he can’t understand how.

Suddenly, a sharp, high-pitched noise shocks the room. He starts, and he sees Levi start as well.

“Oh, I’m sorry about that,” his mother says, pulling her phone out of her purse. She checks the screen. “It’s Ingrid. Her bus must be getting in. I’ll be right back.” And she steps out of the room to take the call.

Then it’s just him and Levi. They watch each other, silence stretching out between them.

Eventually Erwin speaks, though he still can’t quite think straight. “You’re . . . you’re here,” he says.

“Yeah.” Levi nods. “I’m here.”

“I . . . I’m so sorry.”

“For what?”

“For . . . everything.”

Levi smirks. Erwin can even hear the quiet, scoffing laugh that he does sometimes. He starts to think that this really must be a dream, after all. “Yeah,” Levi says. “I am too.”

“What . . . why are you . . .?”

“You’re really doped up there, huh?”

“I don’t . . . I don’t know. Probably.”

Levi smiles. That beautiful smile. And at that sight, Erwin’s eyes fill up with tears.

Perhaps he would have been able to keep it together if he were a little more sober, but he can barely think to stop himself now. Levi’s _here_ , he’s actually right here, and he came out of his own free will. It’s not possible. And that, on top of everything else he’s been through – the accident, the lost arm, everything – it’s too much to process, and it all comes out in tears.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Levi asks.

“I . . . I don’t know.”

“Hm. Well everything’s okay now, alright?”

“Yes. Yes, everything’s okay now.” Erwin agrees.

“So you can cut that out.” Something’s pressed onto his face. A tissue. Levi’s wiping his eyes. Oh god, Levi’s fingers are so close, almost touching. Erwin thought he’d never feel that touch again.

With his remaining hand, he reaches up and grasps Levi’s wrist. It’s that touch that finally convinces him, with complete certainty, that he truly is awake. He would know the feel of Levi’s body anywhere.

“Don’t leave me,” he says.

“No,” Levi says. “I won’t leave you.”

“Levi, I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

“Quiet, you idiot. It’s okay now.”

“Levi.”

“Yeah?”

Erwin doesn’t know what he was going to say. He just wanted to say that name again. He clutches Levi’s wrist a little tighter. “Levi,” he says again.

Levi cups Erwin’s cheek with his other hand. His touch feels so warm and gentle. Erwin closes his eyes and, under that touch, falls asleep.

*****

When Erwin wakes again, he’s alone. Sunlight shines between the blinds of his hospital room window. Other than that, the room is gray, nothing but the whir and beep of the monitors to keep him company.

And his stump. Erwin looks down at it, gently prods it with his left hand. He can still feel the phantom limb, still feel his arm resting on the bed where it should be. The useless stump that’s there instead disgusts him.

It had come out of the blue, the crash that almost ended his life. He had been in a cab, crossing an intersection, when a drunk driver in a pick-up truck ran a red light. The truck collided with the back of his cab, throwing the car against the curb and crushing Erwin between it and a telephone pole. The next thing he knew he was in the hospital, his mother crying next to him and his body throbbing with pain.

Considering how bad the crash had been, he was doing well. The doctors had feared serious brain damage, but he had only a concussion instead. There was internal bleeding and a cracked rib, but those would heal. It was just the arm, really, that was serious.

All things considered, Erwin should be grateful. And he recognizes that. But this stump . . . this lack that he would have to live with for the rest of his life . . . he can’t help but hate it.

The door opens. Erwin looks up in surprise as his mother and sister file into the room.

“Look who’s finally awake,” Ingrid says. “Geez, Erwin, you couldn’t even wake up for your own sister?”

“Ingrid,” Erwin says with a smile.

She bends down to give him a hug. “It’s good to see you alive and well, baby brother.”

“Thank you for coming.”

She steps back and claims the chair next to Erwin’s bed. Now it’s his mother’s turn to hug him. “How are you feeling?” she asks.

Erwin considers. “Numb,” he says. “And it still feels like . . . I mean, I’m getting a lot of phantom limb.”

She nods. “That’s to be expected. But I’m glad it’s not any worse than that.”

And then Erwin turns his head, and there’s Levi.

He’s standing behind Erwin’s mother and sister, almost up against the wall, and he’s silent. But his eyes are fixed on Erwin, and when Erwin looks at him he gives a very small smile.

“Hi,” Erwin says.

“Hi,” Levi says back.

Ingrid and his mother make conversation, trying to be as pleasant as possible. They ask about the details of how he’s feeling and then transition to talking about their family back at home, with a special focus on funny stories about Sarah. The stories make Erwin smile, and he’s grateful for his family’s presence. But he can’t help but be preoccupied by Levi, who doesn’t say a word and doesn’t move from his spot the whole time.    

After a while, Erwin’s mother says that she’s going to get something to eat in the hospital cafeteria, and she invites Ingrid to come with her. She doesn’t invite Levi. Erwin can’t help but think that there’s a reason for that.

Then they’re alone, and the room falls silent. Strips of setting daylight from between the blinds fall across Levi’s face.

“So. Are you getting shitty hospital food for your dinner?”

“I’d assume,” Erwin says.

“Too bad. It sucks enough that you had to get your arm cut off, you’d think they’d give you some better treatment.”

“Well, it certainly won’t compare to your home cooking.”

“Hm.”

“Levi.”

Levi looks at him, and then he takes the two steps needed to close the distance between them. He rests his hands on the bed rail and looks down, waiting for Erwin to speak. God, he’s so beautiful. Erwin had almost forgotten just how beautiful Levi is.

“Why did you come?”

“Your mom called,” Levi says. “I guess she never knew that we had, you know.”

“But why did you come?”

“Because you were hurt. And I, well . . .” Levi shrugs. “I didn’t want this to be the end.”

“Thank you.”

“Yeah, well.”

“Levi.” Erwin reaches his left hand across the bed to where Levi stands on his right. Levi sees this and moves to the left of Erwin’s bed so Erwin can more comfortably reach. Their fingers twine together, and Erwin savors the feeling of that delicate hand in his. “Levi, I’m so sorry.”

“You keep saying that. You’ve said it enough, okay?”

“But I am.”

“Yeah, and so am I,” Levi says. “I’m sorry I’m too emotionally constipated to just talk when I’m mad, and I’m sorry I got so freaked out about losing you that I . . . lost you anyway. Okay? I’m sorry.”

“But I’m the one who-”

“God, I know.” Levi cuts him off. “I know. You decided to move without talking to me, and you spent more time with your work than with me, and that was really shitty. I know. And I know you’re sorry.”

Erwin stares down at their intertwined hands, lifts his eyes up to Levi’s face. That beautiful face that he never thought he would get to see again. And he asks, “So what does this mean?”

“This means . . .” Levi’s thumb brushes over Erwin’s knuckles, and he sighs. “This means that the last few months were hell for me.”

And at those words, Erwin feels something like relief. Because he had thought only he had suffered. That Levi was better off without him. But if that wasn’t the case . . . “It was hell for me, too,” he says.

“So . . . let’s both get our heads out of our asses.”

Erwin smiles. His eyes rest on the gentle movements of Levi’s thumb, which is still brushing across his knuckles in absent-minded strokes. “I think that’s a good idea,” he says.  

Levi nods. “Good,” he says. There’s a hint of a smile on Levi’s lips, and Erwin knows they’ll be okay.

*****

Levi visits Erwin every day, even after his sister and mother go back home. He sits down – always on Erwin’s left – and they talk. Or they don’t talk, just sit in silence holding hands and watching TV.

A couple days after the accident, Levi gives Erwin a small, white box. “It’s . . . it was going to be your birthday present,” Levi explains.

Erwin opens the box and, at first, all he sees are shattered pieces of metal. When he pulls out the largest piece, he recognizes the form of a watch chain.

“I threw it against the wall after the break-up,” Levi offers as an explanation.

“It looks like a very nice watch, regardless,” Erwin says. “Thank you.”

Levi nods. But he’s still watching Erwin, and Erwin gets the sense that there’s something else he’s supposed to see. So he keeps digging through the cogs and screws, pushing different parts aside in the hopes that what Levi wants him to find will be revealed. He doesn’t notice the inscription until he pushes the back of the watch face in just the right way for it to catch the light.

_For my boyfriend._

Erwin stares at those words. Pulls the piece of metal out of the box and holds it up, re-reading it because he’s sure he’s read it wrong. He turns to Levi, but he’s speechless, and only his look of awe can communicate what he’s feeling.

Levi just shrugs. “Yeah. So, you know, if you still want to . . .”

Erwin looks back at the inscription, and he reaches out for Levi’s hand. Once Levi’s palm is in his, he pulls it to his face, presses Levi’s hand against his cheek. “Of course,” he says. “Of course.”

Levi stands, and then he’s leaning over Erwin’s bed. Their lips meet, the first kiss they’ve enjoyed in months.

It’s the most beautiful kiss of Erwin’s life.

*****

They relearn each other, and every half-forgotten quirk or habit feels like coming home again. Sometimes, Levi will steal a glance at Erwin while they’re sitting together, and he’ll wonder how he ever got so lucky. He’ll wonder how it’s possible that someone like Erwin could ever choose to be in a relationship with someone like him.

But that’s the kind of thinking that started this whole mess in the first place, and Levi doesn’t want to ever think like that again.

One day, a week after the surgery, Levi climbs into bed with Erwin. He curls up into Erwin’s left side and lets Erwin wrap his remaining arm around his waist. It’s completely against the rules, and they get snapped at by more than one nurse that finds them like that. But once the nurse leaves, Levi just climbs in again.

It’s while they’re in bed together like this that Levi props himself up on an elbow, looks down at Erwin, and says, “Okay, let’s talk.”

Erwin doesn’t seem surprised at all. He just nods and says, “Okay.”

“So, I completely forgive you for the move and everything, but it was still shitty,” Levi says.  

“It was,” Erwin agrees. “I’m so sorry.”

“I realize that your job’s really important to you, but you kind of have to choose what’s more important. If we’re going to do this, I don’t think I want to be second in your life anymore.”

“You’re completely right. And I know . . . I know that so much of what I did was wrong. That I put my personal goals and ambitions before you, to the point of taking you for granted. And I am so sorry. Not a day goes by where I’m not sorry about how I treated you. I will never behave like that again.”

Levi smiles at the earnestness in his voice. “Good,” he says. “I’ll hold you to that.”           

“And I need to explain something to you. It’s true that the job is important to me, but . . .” Erwin pauses. “But not as important as I thought it was. And I wasn’t doing it for the reasons I thought I was doing it for.”

Erwin’s expression has grown more serious, and he’s looking beyond Levi as though focusing on something far away. Levi waits patiently for what he has to say.

“I’ve come to realize why I invested myself so heavily in the job,” he says. “It was almost subconscious but . . . See, my father performed the same job. He . . . he died when I was young. In a fire. While trying to get me out of the building.”

Something about the look on Erwin’s face makes everything click. He’s taking a breath to keep speaking, but Levi stops him, “You don’t have to keep going,” he says. “I think I get it.”

“You do?”

“You’re trying to . . . I don’t know atone for his death or something, aren’t you? Trying to save as many people as possible because you couldn’t save him.”

Erwin’s gaping at him now. It’s almost funny how surprised he is. Levi lifts one hand and tucks a stray lock of Erwin’s hair out of the way.

“How did you . . .?”

“Because that’s just how you are. You always want to give and you never want to take. And if someone does something to serve you, it freaks you out. Your father gave you all he could possibly give, and you just can’t handle it. Am I right?”

Erwin shakes his head and lets out a quiet laugh. “You’re completely right. It took me years to admit that much to myself, and yet you understood in less than a minute. It seems you know me better than I know myself.”

“Nah. I’m just not as dense as you are.”

“Well, I suppose I’m hard to beat.”

“You sure are. Look,” Levi says. “If you have shit to work through, I get it. Hell, no one gets that more than me.”

“Thank you,” Erwin says. “And I am trying to work through it. I’ve been working hard on not letting the job consume me as much. Taking breaks, focusing on other people, things like that. And Levi, I will never, ever let it get in the way of us again.”

 “I know,” Levi says, and he does. It surprises him how much he knows. How much he fully trusts Erwin to stick around.

“Thank you,” Erwin says again. “Thank you for your forgiveness, and thank you for being patient with me.”

Patient. No one had ever called Levi patient before. He smiles and lies his head back down on the pillow. “Well,” he says. “It’s the least I can do after all the times you’ve put up with my shit.” He scoots a little closer, presses his face into Erwin’s shoulder. Erwin’s hand comes up to brush through Levi’s hair.

“Speaking of my shit,” Levi says, “I . . . well, I made a therapy appointment.”

Erwin’s hand stops moving. “Really?”

“Yeah. It’s not until January, but yeah. So I guess that’s how I’m going to try to be better or whatever.”

“I’m really happy for you, Levi.”

“Yeah, well. I decided I was done with sending people away. So. Whatever that takes, I guess.”

Erwin kisses him on the forehead. In response, Levi lifts up his head to kiss Erwin on the lips. He holds Erwin’s face between his hands, feels the movements of Erwin’s jaw under his fingertips, and he wonders how he could have ever let this go.

When they part, Erwin whispers, “I love you.”

This time, those words don’t scare him. Levi’s not sure what’s happened, but the little thrill he feels when Erwin speaks those words is one of excitement, not fear. And this time, Levi doesn’t have any trouble saying, “I love you,” back.

He lies back down, face a few inches from Erwin’s head. Erwin turns so that they’re facing each other, and Levi again brushes the lock of hair off Erwin’s forehead. He keeps his fingers there, resting on the soft expanse of Erwin’s face.

“I’m so happy you’re here,” Erwin says.

“Yeah. Me too.” Levi moves his fingertips through Erwin’s hairline, and Erwin runs his hand up and down the small of Levi’s back. They settle into a calm silence, communicating only through their casual, loving touches.

“Levi?”

“Mm?”

“I wish I had my other arm to hold you properly.”

Levi gives him a kiss. “You’re holding me fine now.”

“Really, though. I’m sorry that you’re . . . stuck with a cripple.”

Levi’s eyelids had been drooping low. Now, he opens his eyes wide to glare at Erwin. “Really? That’s what you’re thinking?” He props himself up on one arm to look down at Erwin. “Erwin. I don’t give a fuck how many arms you have. I wouldn’t give a fuck if both your arms and legs had been chopped off and your eyes gauged out. I don’t care. And if you really think being stuck with a cripple is any kind of disappointment, I don’t know what to do with you.”

Erwin stares up at him, and then his face relaxes into something like relief. “Oh. Well . . . okay,” he says.

“Jeez, Erwin,” Levi continues. “After all the shit we’ve just said to each other and all the things we’re doing for each other, you think your arm is going to matter to me at all?”

“I suppose you do have a point,” Erwin says.

“Of course I do.” Satisfied that he’s told off his idiot boyfriend, Levi lets himself lie back down. His eyelids lower again as he positions himself closer to Erwin.

“I’m sorry for ever doubting you.” Levi can feel the warmth of Erwin’s breath against his forehead.

“Yeah, don’t do it again.”

Erwin kisses him again on the forehead. “I love you,” he says. Then another kiss, this time on an eyelid. “I love you.” On the nose. “I love you.” On the cheek. “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” Levi murmurs. He pulls himself closer until his face is tucked into Erwin’s shoulder. “I love you, too.”

Somewhere between all the “I love yous”, the two of them drift off to sleep.

*****

_Four years later_

It starts in a park.

It has been four years since Erwin’s accident, and four years since they’d gotten back together for good. And it had been three years since Levi had quit his shitty job, taken a finance position at Erwin’s law firm, and moved into Erwin’s apartment. They’d lived together ever since.

Sometimes, Levi can’t believe where he is, how different his life is from where he had been four years ago. He had thought he would never be able to sustain a long-term, committed relationship. Now, he can’t remember what it was like to be alone. He can’t imagine ever living life without Erwin.

It’s early October now, just a week before Erwin’s birthday. The leaves are changing, and the fall air is crisp without being too cold. Erwin loves this weather, Levi knows, and that’s part of the reason why he suggested taking a walk in their neighborhood park.

The two of them hold hands as they pass under the brightly-colored trees. On Erwin’s right side, his prosthetic hangs as naturally as though it were his real hand. It had taken Erwin a while to grow accustomed to the prosthetic, and to reconcile himself to the lost arm. But now both are simply a part of him. And during those first difficult months after the accident, Levi was always there to remind Erwin just how much he was loved, lost arm or not.

As they walk, Lev slips his other hand into his jacket pocket. He fiddles with an object in there, his fingers running again and again over the item’s edges.

Erwin takes a deep breath. “There’s something so beautiful about the fall air,” he says. He turns to look at Levi fondly and adds, “I’m glad you suggested this.”

“Yeah. Um, actually, let’s stop here,” Levi says. They’re under a particularly vibrant maple tree. It’s as good a place as any.

“Stop? Why?”

“Uh, I . . . have something to say.”

Erwin’s eyebrows furrow together a little in concern. “What is it?”

“Um . . .” Now that this is happening, Levi feels his heart start to speed up. Stupid. He shouldn’t be so nervous.

Levi swallows and begins again. “Ok, look. We’ve had . . . a pretty good few years. And, you know, we’re . . . in love.”

Erwin looks a little amused at this. “Yes, we certainly are,” he says.

“Okay, well, we should maybe . . . I mean I think we should, definitely . . . I mean, I think it’s time to, well . . . take the next step. Together.”

“Levi? What do you mean?”

“I mean . . .” Well, he can’t back out now. Levi pulls the box out of his pocket and sinks down onto one knee. “I mean, I want you to marry me,” he says, lifting the lid of the ring box.

Erwin gapes at him, speechless. And for a moment, the old fear comes back – because how could anyone ever choose to spend their entire life with someone like him? Levi’s chest grows tight, and the familiar nauseous feeling starts to settle in his stomach.

But then Erwin breathes out, “Yes,” and all the fear vanishes more quickly than it came. In its place is a beautiful surety, a surety that’s reaffirmed each time Erwin repeats, “Yes. Yes. Yes, oh my god, yes.”

Levi stands, brushes the dirt off his knee. (He would have much rather avoided getting dirty like that, but he knew Erwin would appreciate the romanticism, and he wanted to make this perfect for Erwin.) Then he takes ahold of Erwin’s hand and slips the ring onto it. His fingers tremble a little bit. So do Erwin’s.

Erwin holds his hand up to look more closely at the ring – a gold band with a thin row of diamonds set into the middle. His eyes begin to shine with tears.

“Levi . . . Oh my god. I never thought . . . Oh my god.” He presses his hand to Levi’s cheek, and Levi feels the metal band. A feeling that will now be there every time Erwin touches him, for the rest of their lives.

Erwin doesn’t have to say what he never thought. He never thought Levi would propose – and neither did Levi. But one day, Levi had woken up next to Erwin and realized he never wanted to wake up anywhere else. And now, as Erwin bends down to kiss him, Levi knows he made the right choice.

Erwin’s prosthetic wraps around Levi’s back, pulling him in closer, and Levi gladly moves with him. He rises into the kiss, stretching up on his tip-toes and draping his arms around Erwin’s shoulders. Erwin’s hand is still against Levi’s cheek. The ring is against Levi’s cheek. Levi keeps his eyes closed and soaks in every touch.

Distantly, Levi hears a strange noise, and he doesn’t realize what it is until they part. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees people applauding. He had completely forgotten that they were in a public park.

Erwin notices, too, and he lets out a laugh. “I think they’re clapping for us,” he says. His voice quiet and breathy and only meant for Levi.  

“Yeah?” Levi’s not really sure what he’s saying. He’s too focused on Erwin. “Why are they so excited about us?”

Erwin looks at Levi, and Levi looks back.  He memorizes just how Erwin looks in this moment, with a joyful tear falling down his left face and his mouth wide in a breathless smile. Levi doesn’t know how long they stand there, soaking in each other’s presence. But it’s not until long after the clapping dies down that Erwin says, “Because we did the most wonderful thing we could have ever done.”

They kiss again. And through that kiss, each gives the other a promise. A promise of love and of deep, unwavering devotion.

A promise for all the years to come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *deep breath* I did it! I finished a thing! Look at this thing I finished. So many words. Wow. 
> 
> Ok, so I wrote a little post about what this story means to me [ here ](http://levismushroomcut.tumblr.com/private/121437260322/tumblr_npw7k0KivQ1qit7ep), so if you're interested in seeing me get slightly dramatic and significantly verbose, feel free to read. 
> 
> I know I say this every time, but I'm really super thankful for everyone who leaves such nice comments. Those comments are the lifeblood of my writing, little reminders that I'm writing for a reason and people care about this story. Without everyone's comments, this story would have petered out a long time ago. So thank you. 
> 
> So. Let's talk about what's next. As many of you remember, I held a poll for the next eruri au I'll be writing. If you missed the poll or don't remember the three aus, you can take a look at them [ here. ](http://levismushroomcut.tumblr.com/private/118412551062/tumblr_no0f83pVHX1qit7ep) After three weeks of voting and 93 votes, the winner is . . . *drum roll* . . . 
> 
> OPTION 3 (The one with forbidden love and lots of smut).
> 
> Thank you so much to everyone who voted! I've had this story floating around in my head for a while and I'm really excited to start working on it. The new story will be title The Companion, and I hope to post the first chapter in early July. If you want updates on how it's going, or if you just can't go too long without hearing my witty comments (doubtful), then feel free to follow my [twitter](https://twitter.com/allisshiny) or [tumblr](levismushroomcut.tumblr.com). 
> 
> Thank you sososososoososo much for reading, and I'll see you around for my next story :)


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